Chapter Six

 

 

Kaiden

Emerson went to the kitchen while I headed to the basement to shed my snow gear and hang it up. It gave me a minute to process. I hadn’t intended to spill my problems to my brother. The whole Emma/Bradley mess had just been one more mistake on the shit pile of many. It’d been over a month, and I assumed it would have calmed down somewhat, but it hadn’t. Emma went from nice to threatening to angry and back to nice over the course of a day. Bradley never messaged, but I wasn’t stupid enough to think that meant he wasn’t pulling the ropes. He was his own kind of manipulative and worked through his sister much of the time.

I stripped out of my ski pants and jacket and hung them on a pair of free hooks that had been mounted to the bare bones support beams in the cold, dank basement. The cement floors were frigid against my sock feet, so I hustled to get upstairs again where it was warmer. I left my boots on a mat and dropped my gloves and tuque in a basket with other snow accessories. Avoiding the wet puddles I’d made, I ascended the stairs two at a time just as the microwave beeped.

As I emerged on the landing, Emerson pulled a plate of reheated food from within. Pizza, which looked like it’d been dissected and mutilated.

“Sit,” he said, nicking his chin to the small table as he found a fork in the cutlery drawer.

“I can make my own food. I’m not a kid.”

He didn’t flinch as he added salad to my plate, so I obediently moved to the table and sat. Even four years down the line, with past events still looming in an unspoken abyss, I followed his direction without question, same as I had growing up. Then, I cursed the warmth that surrounded me when a slight smile curved his lips.

“Judging by the state of your room, I wasn’t sure you’d remembered those basic skills anymore. Be careful,” he added as he set the plate in front of me. “She bought Hawaiian. I picked off the pineapple, but I might have missed some.”

I didn’t reward him with a response after he berated my room, and instead, stared at my food. Pineapple wouldn’t kill me, but if I ate it, I broke out in uncomfortable hives. It explained the state of my pizza, so I picked at it carefully, examining each area before taking a bite.

 “Does Mom know?” he asked after I’d finished my first piece and started on my salad.

“The truth? No fucking way. I don’t even think she knows I was dating Emma. Captain Oblivious, remember?”

“She pointed out you’d been in church recently. She must have had some idea.”

“It doesn’t matter. I’m sure it was hardly a blip in her radar.”

From my peripheral vision, I watched Emerson cross his arms over his chest and lean back in his chair.

“Did you ever bring Bradley here?”

I stabbed more lettuce onto my fork. “So what if I did? You looking for a detailed rundown of my sex life, Emerson? Does that turn your crank?”

Emerson’s jaw tightened, and he breathed deep a few times. It was his way of injecting himself with a sense of calm so he wouldn’t blow up. I’d seen him do it many times. “Your sex life is your concern. I’m just trying to judge if Mom might have seen anything and could inadvertently blow this wide open. She wouldn’t even have a clue what she was doing, and it would be explosive, Kaiden. Believe me. You think I had it bad. The reverend discovering his son is not only gay but that you, my brother, was sleeping with him… I’ll let you envision that for a minute. Let me know if you need help painting that picture.”

I stopped chewing and stared at him. The food turned to ash in my gut as the reality of that scenario played across my mind. Reverend Pierce was one nasty son of a bitch when provoked. “Mom was never here. She was at work every time.”

“Good thing.”

The intensity of Emerson’s glare was more than I could take. Not wishing to see his disappointment or anger as it bled from his penetrating gaze, I focused intently on my plate of food.

“How are you and Mom getting along?” he eventually asked.

“Like we always do.”

A pause. I picked apart my second slice of pizza. “Mom seems to think you are heading down some destructive path. Hanging out with the wrong people. Smoking. Being reckless. Doing drugs.”

I rolled my eyes. If I won a Nobel prize or brought home straight A’s when I’d been in school, she’d have never noticed, but interfere with her life somehow and make her look bad and I was on the shit list.

“She’s being dramatic.”

“So you aren’t throwing parties, doing drugs, stealing, vandalizing property, destroying her possessions, or winding up in jail overnight?”

“Fuck you.”

Irritation replaced any progress Emerson and I had made. I snapped up my plate and took it to the counter where I left it before turning to head down to my room. But the moment I spun, Emerson was up out of his chair and in my path. His solid hand met my chest, holding me back from escaping.

“Clean up after yourself. I’m not your maid.”

I stared him down, darkening my gaze. It had zero effect on him—never had.

“You just said you aren’t a kid anymore, Kai, so quit acting like one.”

“What the hell do you want from me?”

“Right now, I want that plate cleaned up, and then, I want you to talk to me. Brother to brother. No bullshit. I need your side of the story. I know how she is, and I’m giving you a chance to have your say, too.”

I studied the calm, placid look on his face. Dark eyes so near to my own, yet ones which carried an infinite amount more wisdom. Emerson had always been the golden child. He could do no wrong. Even if our mother never noticed or cared, teachers and neighbors had. They’d praised his good behavior and strength, knowing he’d shouldered most of the responsibility for my upbringing. He’d always acted years beyond his age whereas I’d floundered and consistently displayed myself as immature.

His was the face of my best friend and biggest advocate. There was never hatred nor disgust behind his eyes, only faith that I could succeed if I tried. I’d clung to that at one time, groveled for his praise and swam in any pride he’d shown when it encompassed me.

But, those kind eyes and unconditional loving heart had gone too far, and the strain on our once unbreakable bond was evident. There were cracks in our foundation. Everything had changed. We weren’t the same people, and I wasn’t sure we could be any longer.

My chest ached, and I missed the old days when I didn’t have such vivid memories of betrayal in my mind. I didn’t know if I could let it go.

He nicked his chin to my abandoned plate and waited patiently. Begrudgingly, I caved as I always had. I emptied the leftovers into the garbage and washed my plate. Once I’d dried it and put it back in the cupboard, I joined Emerson at the table.

He waited with all the patience in the world.

I squirmed and didn’t know where to start. My life was in shambles, and the more time that passed, the worse it became. Admitting truths out loud wasn’t easy.

“It’s not me… Well, not all me.” My voice was small and pathetic. “Yeah, I have people over. Yeah, shit gets fucked up. I don’t smoke around her or even all the time. Like I told you, I’ve messed around with some drugs, but I don’t partake regularly. The stealing and damage…” I shrugged. Even when I wasn’t directly responsible, it was because I’d invited those people into my home that it had happened. And I hadn’t given a shit about it or stopped it.

“And the vandalism in town?”

I could only shrug again as I cut my gaze to the table. He’d see the guilt behind my eyes regardless and have his answer.

“One time. Me and a few guys spray painted shit near a school downtown. We were all busted and fined.”

“Which Mom paid. You spent the night in jail?”

I scrubbed a hand over my face and shifted. “One fucking night, but not for the vandalism. It wasn’t a big deal.”

“Right, not a big deal. You’re hanging out with the McDonald boys, aren’t you?”

“Not just them. Raymond, Allan, Dante, and a few you don’t know.”

He cringed with each consecutive name. They’d all been targeted as trouble way back when I’d been in high school, and not one of them had changed. Neither had I. When Emerson had been around, he’d ensured I steered clear of them for the most part. Forced me on a different path. Integrated me among his group of friends.

“Why do you insist on hanging out with them? Not one of them gives a fuck about you, Kai. They’d be the first ones to throw you under the bus if shit got real. You’ll end up behind bars at this rate, and they won’t care. You are nothing to them.”

“I’m not you, Emery. People don’t automatically like me and call me friend.”

“They’re using you.”

So, who fucking cared?

“How many of those guys visited you in the hospital when you had your accident?” I didn’t respond and instead ground my teeth. “Not one, am I right? Did they call you? Hell, did even one person ask if you were okay?”

“Emery—”

“No one. Those aren’t friends, Kaiden.”

“Thanks,” I mumbled. “Thanks for pointing out that I’m a big fucking loser who no one cares about. Not even Mom gives a shit about me. I could off myself tomorrow, and no one would blink an eye, and don’t think I haven’t considered it.”

Emerson flinched, and his brows drew together. “Don’t ever joke around about shit like that. Kaiden, you just need to pull yourself together. Get a job, move away from her. Stand on your own. You’ll make new friends and find people who do give a shit. I promise you. You’re in a rut.”

As Emerson sang his optimism, I slumped down in my seat. Our quaint little town had washed their hands of me. Even if people had finally forgotten the explosion Reverend Pierce had caused over my brother being gay, even if I never chose to disclose my own personal interest in men, I’d burned too many bridges being a rebellious teenager. I had a record and a reputation a mile long. People talked. Word spread. No one was willing to hire me. I was nothing more than a delinquent in their eyes. A train wreck whose own brother had given up on him.

No one knew the truth about Emerson’s leaving. Thank god. That would have ruined us both for good.

“Don’t you think I’ve tried. It’s not that easy getting a job. I don’t have anything more than a high school education, and in case you weren’t aware, not many people like me around here.”

“What about going to college?”

I winced, and Emerson waved the suggestion off. I’d struggled endlessly in school and had only successfully graduated because he’d helped every step of the way. I had no mind for book learning and did better with hands-on teaching.

“Maybe while I’m home we can look together. There has to be something in town. You’d do much better on your own.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose and reluctantly agreed. It was getting late, and I was tired of talking about my failures as an adult. As I considered moving the conversation to an end, a thought struck, which in turn, sent a shot of anxiety through me.

“Where are you sleeping?”

“Couch.” He averted his gaze at my panic but hid it behind checking the time above the stove. “It’s getting late. Why don’t we curb this and talk tomorrow, yes?”

I nodded and stared at the table, my own discomfort mounting. Would it ever go forgotten? I had a sinking suspicion neither of us would ever move past it. Would it be better if we talked? Should I ask why? Did I want to know?

No, I didn’t think I did.

After an awkward pause, I rose and said goodnight before slinking down to my room.

The house was silent as I lay on my bed in the darkness. The furnace kicked on and ran at a steady hum in the background, lulling me into the past. I wasn’t sure how I felt about Emerson walking back into my life. So many times over the past few years, I’d missed his steady, guiding hand. Then, I’d remember why he’d gone. It was still so clear in my mind.

The pungent smell of the lake was as vivid then as it’d been that night on the boat four years before. When I closed my eyes, I could almost feel the gentle rocking as the waves sloshed into the harbor.

I was a loser then, and I was a loser still. I’d only been invited because Emerson always tried to involve me and keep me out of trouble. It’d been one of his friend’s birthday celebrations, and I’d been thrilled to be a part of it. Mostly because Leo Murray had been on board.

Fucking Leo Murray.

Some days, I blamed him for what had happened. I’d worn rose-colored glasses when it came to him, and I’d had no clue just what kind of a slimeball he truly was until it was almost too late. If Leo hadn’t forced himself on me then Emerson wouldn’t have felt the need to step in, and if Emerson hadn’t stepped in—drunker than a fucking skunk—then maybe…maybe… Ugh!

At the root of my subconscious, I knew it was bullshit. It had nothing to do with Leo fucking Murray and everything to do with Emerson.

I washed a hand down my face and tried to shake free from the clutches of the past. He’d said to bury it, and I needed to fucking bury it before I went insane.

 

* * *

 

Emerson and I spent all weekend working together to build a resume that hopefully made me look desirable enough to hire. It was a joke. He stretched the truth at every turn and worked hard to encourage confidence where I had none.

On Monday morning, it wasn’t my mother’s obnoxious blender that drew me from sleep but rather an incessant pounding on my door, followed by the cheery calls from my brother.

“Rise and shine,” Emerson called before pushing the door open and poking his head inside. “I’m taking Mom to work in a few minutes, and when I get back, you and I are handing out those resumes, so get your ass up and showered. Dress nice.”

He closed the door before I could respond, probably knowing the answer he’d get. I glanced at the clock and groaned. It wasn’t even eight o’clock. Burying my head under the covers, I closed my eyes and tried to return to sleep.

Within seconds, another knock came to my door. “And if I get back and you are still in that bed, I will drag your fucking ass up and dress you myself. Try me.”

I threw back the covers and stared at the closed door with wide-eyed panic as a rush of anxiety prickled my skin. He wouldn’t. Would he?

I didn’t want to take that chance. As his footsteps disappeared down the hall, I flopped to my back and washed a hand over my face. The groggy remanence of sleep clung desperately to every inch of my body, and all I wanted to do was curl up in my blankets and not get up until noon.

When I heard the door close, and soon after, Emerson’s truck rev to life, I sat up and forced myself down the hall for a shower. I saw what Emerson was getting at and knew the only way to get my feet beneath me was to find work and try to build a life away from home, but it felt impossible. Too much fucking work. It was so much easier when people didn’t expect anything from me.

After a long hot shower, I stood in front of my closet with a towel slung around my neck, wearing only a pair of tight black briefs as I screwed up my nose at the choices of nice clothes I owned. There weren’t many. At least everything was clean and hanging neatly—thanks to Emerson’s insistence I do laundry.

I pulled out a few button-up shirts and held them to my chest as I peered down at myself, undecided. None of them caught my eye, so I returned them to hang and flipped through a couple of nicer sweaters instead. As I scrutinized a two-toned, gray knitted V-neck sweater I’d got a few years back, a voice at my bedroom door made me jump.

“I like that one. Pair it with dark jeans, and it will work well for where I plan to take you.”

I spun toward Emerson as heat prickled over my entire body and up my neck, accumulating in my face. His dark brown eyes studied me intently—too intently—or was I imagining it? No, his gaze was definitely lingering in places it shouldn’t.

“D-do you mind?” I sputtered. My awareness of just how exposed I was made me want to hide.

Our eyes locked in an unspoken challenge. Consuming heat simmered behind Emerson’s dark gaze. I didn’t miss his tight swallow or the way he wet his lips—although he tried to be subtle about it. I shifted, moved the sweater in front of my chest to block his view and struggled to find my voice.

“Emerson! Fuck off, I’m dressing.”

Whatever transpired between us vanished in an instant when Emerson rattled his head. He seemed perturbed and scanned my room instead of meeting my eyes again. “Wear the sweater with jeans. I’ll be in the kitchen.”

He closed the door, leaving me staring blankly at its wooden surface. My blood pulsed in my ears, and I was hot all over. How long had he been standing there? My palm sweat where I gripped the knitted sweater at my side, and I shifted my gaze to look down at myself and all he’d been not-so-subtly observing. My skin tingled. Static climbed over my limbs and raised the hairs on my body when I noticed the slight swelling in my underwear. Confusion and anger collided as I pinched my eyes shut, refusing to allow any of those fucked up emotions out.

Memories from the past slammed into me, and I spun, whipping my sweater onto the bed with a growl. Wrenching open a dresser drawer, I searched up a pair of jeans. I put them on with haste, zipping them up and hiding my body’s response to Emerson’s attention. Shame pummeled into me with a force great enough I wanted to collapse on my bed and never leave it, but I forced it and everything else I felt away. Instead, I drew on anger and hatred, knowing they would keep me safely in the right frame of mind.

Fuck you, Emerson. Fuck. You. What the hell have you done?

Once the internal tremors had subsided, and I was dressed, I took a few deep breaths and made my way down to the kitchen. The smell of freshly brewed coffee wafted through the air. Keeping my eyes averted, I found a mug and poured myself a cup. Emerson sat at the kitchen table on his phone, making notes on a pad of paper.

I didn’t want to be near him, so I hung awkwardly at the counter, sipping from my mug.

“I made a list of a few places in town that we could hit. They are mostly away from this neighborhood, so hopefully, your reputation won’t follow you.”

It was evident in the way he spoke that the discomfort was all one-sided. Maybe I’d imagined the way his eyes roamed my body. Maybe there wasn’t heat and longing behind them. The past clung mercilessly and could easily have skewered my perception of reality. My body’s reaction, however, wasn’t imagined.

Keeping up a front of animosity, I grumbled, “Where?”

“Well,” he kicked his feet out and leaned back, eyeing his list, “There is an automotive shop that is looking for two apprentices. Excellent opportunity for some hands-on learning and tons of room to excel and move forward. Also, Delilah’s Bakery is looking for a cleaner to work nights. Not exciting work, but something. The city is hiring young men for minor maintenance work around town; snow removal in the winter and landscaping in the summer. It would pay well being a city job, but your record could be a problem with that one. And, the used sporting shop on Freeman Ave. is hiring as well. You speak sports, so that’s a plus. None of these positions require experience. There are a few more I marked which do, but we can start with these ones for now.”

I curled my nose at the options but knew better than to express myself. Apart from the sporting store, not a single one of those jobs sounded appealing.

“They are all at the other end of town,” he reiterated. “Well, except for the city job. Obviously.”

“Probably won’t matter.” I drank deep, draining my coffee. When I placed it in the sink and spun back to Emerson, he glared and shook his head. “What?”

“Mug.”

“For fuck’s sake.” I turned and washed the mug, leaving it in the dish drain to dry. I’d forgotten what a pain in the ass he could be.

“You’ll need to put a lid on your language or no one will want to hire you. Now, go grab your resumes and put on a nice jacket. Meet me outside.”

He scooped up his list and made his way down the stairs. I waited until he was outside before unclenching my jaw and returning to my room. Donning the only nice coat I owned, I went to the bathroom and checked myself out in the mirror. I fussed with my gelled hair and worked to focus on the day ahead of me. In less than a week, Emerson would head back up north, and life could resume without the constant rollercoaster ride of emotion I’d been on since he’d appeared. This disruption in my life had turned me inside out and backward. Emerson’s appearance had thrown my system out of whack.

South Bell was an old town with a population of just under ten thousand. Many of the houses and storefronts had been around for more than a century and had been restored numerous times over the years. Large windows and sculpted woodwork lined the streets in the downtown area. The cobblestone sidewalks, which were unfortunately buried under the snow, were one of the towns most beautiful features. It was elegant and quaint.

It didn’t take long to reach the other side of town where Emerson had focused his job searches. He parked along the main street and tossed a few coins in the parking meter as I got out and zipped my jacket against the cold wind. Pete’s auto shop sat across the street on the corner. The double garage doors were closed, but men beyond the windows were hard at work doing something to a vehicle which had been hoisted into the air. The whirring, muffled sound of machinery cut through the air.

“I don’t know the first thing about auto repair. Why on earth would they hire me?” I asked as I eyed the business.

“It’s an apprentice position. You learn and train under those men and maybe take a few night classes to fill in the blanks. It will work you toward a diploma in a different way than college. Then, who knows, there are all kinds of jobs in the field. A mechanic can do well for themselves.”

I shot daggers in Emerson’s direction. “I didn’t know that’s what it meant to apprentice. Emery, I don’t want to do school.”

“It’s not the same. Come on.”

He looked both ways before crossing toward the side entrance to the shop which led to the main service desk. When I couldn’t find an argument fast enough, I followed.

Emerson didn’t go inside but turned to me once he made it to the doors and eyed me up and down. When he reached out to fix my hair, I batted his hand away and snarled.

“Don’t!”

His gaze darkened, but he bit back a response. “Chin up. Shake with a firm hand. Speak clearly and don’t mumble your words. Make eye contact. No swearing. Be agreeable.”

I rolled my eyes as he yammered on.

“And do not roll your eyes,” he finished, pointing a finger in my face. I wanted to break it off.

“Anything else, oh wise brother?”

“You could watch the sarcasm, too.” He sighed and smiled for the first time all morning. “Be yourself, Kai. Have confidence. You are worth knowing and worth having around. Trust me.”

We held gazes for a minute more before he nodded to the door. “Go get ‘em.”

I blew out a breath, hugged my folder of resumes tight to my body, and headed inside. This was a huge fucking mistake.

 

***

 

The day dragged. Emerson insisted I hand resumes out at far more places than he’d jotted on his stupid notepad. It was the same response everywhere. The sidelong looks and skepticism were blatantly obvious. The owner of the bakery told me flat-out she wasn’t hiring a troublemaker and shooed me out the door. In two other locations, I watched them file my resume under “G” the minute I headed for the door. Emerson was the only one not defeated.

By the afternoon, he dragged me back into our own neighborhood.

“This is the last copy I have,” I said as I peeked inside the folder where I’d carried my printed resumes.

“All right. How about the hardware store? Then we can grab lunch. On me.”

I chewed the inside of my cheek and nodded. I’d given up my fight over an hour ago and had obediently followed Emerson, doing exactly as I was told. Nothing sounded promising, but I smiled and spoke pleasantly at each location, following all his rules and biting back how I truly felt.

Emerson parked in front of a small diner across the street from the store and cut the engine.

“Take care of business and meet me inside. I’ll order us something to eat.”

When he disappeared inside the small diner, I crossed the road to the hardware shop, straightening my shoulders and finding the false charm I’d been using all day. Before entering, I cleared my throat and raised my chin as Emerson had instructed. It was all in vain. The moment I entered the shop, I came face to face with the one person I didn’t want to see.  

Reverend Pierce.

He chatted with the older man running the cash register, but the chimes above the door, which sounded at my entrance, drew both their attention’s. Their light conversation died on their tongues, and the steel gray eyes belonging to Emma’s father narrowed with his curled lip.

“Well speak of the devil himself,” he grumbled. “You’ve been guided astray again, child, and you’ve taken my daughter with you this time.”

I passed a look between the two men, and when the old man behind the counter adopted a look of scorn, I knew I should simply turn around and walk out. 

“Doesn’t surprise me in the least, Eddy. This boy has been nothing but a menace around here. I feared for your daughter when they took up a friendship.”

“I’d hoped to guide his way to the right path in life. Emma was determined to find the purity in this young man. But his influence was too great.”

What the ever-loving-fuck?!

It astounded me that everyone could look past Emma’s reputation and blame her defiance on me. That woman was anything but pure.

I didn’t wait for more and spun, bolting out of the store as fast as my feet could carry me. Fuck if I was sticking around for a lecture. No fucking way. I’d probably lose it and spit all Emma and Bradley’s fucking secrets out right then and there. And like Emerson said, that was what would condemn me.

I dashed into the road without looking, and a car horn blared as it flew past, bringing me to a sudden halt, inches before walking into it. Scanning the street, I blew out a breath and raced inside the diner where Emerson was waiting.

A look of concern crossed his face as I approached. My heart was in my throat and anger brewed under the surface of my skin.

“What the hell?” he said, jerking his gaze to the window. “You almost got run down.”

“Reverend Pierce was in the store running his goddamn mouth. Apparently, he’s spreading the word that I’ve corrupted his daughter.”

Movement from the corner of my eye made me turn my head. Reverend Pierce was crossing the road and squinting against the sun as he tried to look into the diner’s windows.

“Shit. He’s coming. When he sees you’re home, it’s just gonna fuel his fire.”

It wasn’t often I saw Emerson shaken or at a loss for words. I brushed a hand through my hair as we both watched Reverend Pierce approach. Emerson’s gaze darkened.

“Come on.” He pushed his way out of the booth and scanned the restaurant. “I’m canceling our order. I’m not sticking around here and making a scene.”

I scurried up after him as he went to the counter and exchanged words with our waitress. Before he was finished speaking, the door to the diner pulled open, and Reverend Pierce set his eyes on me. Only when he realized who I was with did his purposeful agenda shift.

The moment he spotted Emerson, he startled, paused, and shifted his gaze between us. Fuck! The look of disgust that crossed his face couldn’t have been missed. So much for swearing to the fact that I’d disowned my brother and sent him away. With Emerson back in town, he would be the new reason for my slip back onto the path of evil.

Emerson met Edward’s stares head on and didn’t flinch. There was a momentary pause where time hung suspended, and I wasn’t sure what would happen.

“Figures.” It was the only word spoken before the reverend flipped around and stormed out of the diner.