CHAPTER 11
Sterling couldn’t sleep.
The damn leg was killing him, and it was crazy, but when the pain was constant, he could almost get his mind around it.
But when it was gone and then came back when the medication wore off, it drove him insane.
He couldn’t think around it.
He couldn’t think beyond it.
It was just there, gnawing at him, burning on the edges of his mind.
Never.
Stopping.
Ever.
He threw the sheets over and stood up, his leg protesting at the movement, and he bit back a low curse.
After limping to the bathroom, he opened the medicine cabinet and took out his prescription and swallowed two pills, closing his eyes and reminding himself that the pain would be gone.
Soon.
He leaned down and turned on the faucet, taking a drink and wiping his mouth. Tomorrow was going to be a long day, and he really needed to get some freaking rest.
But his mind was as restless as his body.
Tomorrow, Laken would be taking him to Seattle to see the therapy specialist. It was just a benchmark appointment, but that didn’t stop him from having concerns.
What if he wasn’t healing as fast as he should?
What if his leg wasn’t progressing in muscle development?
What if he never would get away from the pain?
He leaned over the sink, bracing himself with his arms as he took a deep breath.
No. He would. His body would heal; this wasn’t permanent.
But it sure as hell felt like it was.
He pushed from the sink and hobbled back to bed, hissing through his teeth when he almost tripped on a discarded shoe.
Lying back on the cool sheet, he closed his eyes—but his mind wasn’t willing to relax.
He thought back over the day, replaying certain aspects, his emotions in high gear as he remembered Harper’s words.
Her story.
Her pain.
And he’d be lying to himself if he didn’t consider that maybe Jasper was onto something.
That maybe he was a real threat to Harper’s heart.
Was he willing to risk that?
To hurt her?
He wasn’t. At all. And that really sucked.
Because with her, it was different.
Better.
And he didn’t want to give that up.
But at what cost?
He’d kissed her, implied that he wanted more.
And he’d had no right. Because he couldn’t offer her what she needed.
Stability.
He was off balance in the worst way, and not just because of his damn leg.
Sterling needed to get his shit together before he even thought about another person. He sighed heavily. Why did everything always look so miserable at night? He stared at the ceiling through the darkness of his room, focusing on his breathing, forcing a calm, just like he’d taught himself when he was in a war zone. Mortars and guns sounding in the distance, yet you had to catch some sleep when possible.
He gave a humorless laugh. Certainly, if he could sleep through that, he could get through this.
Yet sometimes, the thoughts inside were louder than bombs exploding outside.
And he wondered if maybe he had traded one battlefield for another.
One war for another.
He wasn’t dodging bullets.
But he was fighting a real enemy.
And it scared him shitless to think that the person he was fighting was himself.
Because how did you win?
Was it even possible?
He’d expected to experience some PTSD, but what he hadn’t expected was for it to take the form of learning how to deal with everyday life.
It was a special kind of messed up that he could deal with life and death, but couldn’t deal with the normal.
Sighing, he closed his eyes and focused on something good, anything good.
And the first thing that came to mind was Harper.
Her smile, her sassy-ass streak that both frustrated him and made him so damn aroused that sometimes he couldn’t think straight around her.
Her bravery, and the fact that she just wouldn’t give up.
On herself.
Or him.
He wouldn’t see her for a few days, and the thought struck a chord. He’d kind of grown used to seeing her regularly. But maybe this was good, healthy even.
Distance.
Then maybe he wouldn’t do anything stupid.
Like kiss her again.
And have the kiss only be the beginning.
Damn, now he was aroused and sleepless.
Fan-freaking-tastic.
He groaned as he rolled over in bed, trying to focus his thoughts away from Harper.
Yet the more he tried to not think of her, the more insistent his body became.
Her lips.
The way her green eyes squinted when she smiled.
That sexy round ass that always stole all his attention.
He tossed the covers off once more and stalked to the bathroom.
A cold shower wasn’t exactly relaxing, but it would get his mind off, well, everything.
He sucked in a breath when the cold water hit him and realized that his leg had stopped throbbing.
But he suspected he’d simply traded one sleepless reason for another.
One he couldn’t exactly medicate away.
Because the issue wasn’t with his leg. It was with his heart.
Hours later, Sterling blinked as his alarm clock sounded. His eyes were grainy from the lack of sleep, but at least he’d finally gotten a little bit of shuteye after his cold shower.
It wasn’t enough, but it was better than nothing.
He and Laken had to be gone by eight a.m. if they were to make it to Harbor View Medical Center before one. Traffic was always questionable in Seattle, and you never wanted to cut it close.
Damn, he hated the big city.
“You awake?” Laken knocked on his door, speaking from the other side.
“Yup.”
“Good. Coffee’s on.” He heard her walk away and down the hall.
Coffee, and lots of it, would be necessary today. His leg only protested slightly as he got up from bed. The pain medication still working, he was thankful for how it kept the edge off.
Sterling decided to forego a shower since he had taken a late one in the middle of the night. He threw on a gray T-shirt and carefully slid on some dark denim jeans.
As he went down the hall, the aroma of eggs and bacon greeted him.
He entered the kitchen with a smirk. “Cyler cooking again?”
His sister glared from her seat at the kitchen table. “Do you want me to cook breakfast?” She smiled sweetly. “I’ll do it....” She spoke the words as a threat.
And a threat they were.
“No, no I’m good.” Sterling quickly backpedaled. He loved his sister, and she was talented at many things.
Cooking was not one of those things.
Cyler chuckled from where he stood next to the stove. “Wise choice, my man.”
Sterling nodded, accepting a plate from him piled with several rashers of bacon and a few fried eggs. “You coming with, Cyler?” Sterling asked as he sat down across from his sister.
“Nope. I gotta head to Yakima to check on a few housing developments. We’re in the excavating phase, and I want to confirm a few details with the city.”
Cyler was the contractor of CC Homes in Yakima. He usually spent four days a week traveling back and forth, but Fridays were always a toss-up.
“So, I’m just stuck with you,” Sterling teased his sister.
“Yup. Rather, I’m just stuck with you. And you better be nice. I’m driving.” She pointed her fork at him.
“I’ll be on my best behavior.”
Laken snorted. “Sure.”
“So, since I did breakfast, you’re in charge of dishes.” Cyler rubbed his hands together as he addressed Sterling.
“Happily. Anything so that I don’t have to eat—”
“Watch yourself,” Laken interrupted.
“Happy to, man.” Sterling smirked as he answered Cyler.
“That’s what I thought,” Laken muttered under her breath.
“Yeah, well, you two have fun. I’ll see you when you get home tonight.” Cyler walked over to Laken and kissed her head, lingering against her hair and then kissing her again.
Laken’s eyes closed, and a small smile crept across her lips. “Now kiss me for real,” she remarked as he pulled away.
Cyler chuckled and leaned down, covering her lips with his.
Sterling purposefully studied his eggs, waiting for the two lovebirds to finish. “Bedroom activities stay in the bedroom,” he remarked as he studiously avoided looking at them.
“That’s what you think,” Cyler taunted as he pulled away from Laken.
“And we’re done. Remember, dude. She’s my sister. Let’s not cross those lines. Don’t make it weird. For the love of all that’s holy, don’t make it weird,” Sterling pleaded, chuckling.
“Not making it weird.” Cyler arched his eyebrow at Laken and left the kitchen.
“Finish up. We gotta go.” Laken lifted her coffee mug and took a sip.
“Demanding much? Make yourself useful and get me some of that.” Sterling gestured to her coffee mug.
“There’s something missing from that question....” Laken relaxed purposefully in the chair, implying she wasn’t about to move.
Sterling sighed. “Please?” he asked, giving her the puppy-dog eyes.
“Eh, sure.” Laken grinned and went to pour him a mug.
“Thank you,” Sterling was quick to say.
“Ah, look who is learning,” Laken said to him.
Sterling finished his breakfast, and it didn’t take long for him to stack all the dishes into the dishwasher and then meet Laken at the front door.
“Traffic looks pretty good so far. At least they aren’t blasting on Snoqualmie. Gah, that was miserable,” Laken said as she took her gaze from her smart phone and started toward her Honda.
“Yeah, but they need to make that pass wider. Damn thing has too much traffic, and it’s not enough lanes.”
“Yeah, but dynamiting through granite isn’t exactly easy and takes forever! They’re still not done. It’s been what, three years?” Laken complained as they got into the car.
“Not sure. I haven’t been around for most of it,” Sterling answered. As he moved to get into the car, he had to make a few quick adjustments for the lower situation of the vehicle. It was much easier getting into Harper’s or Cyler’s trucks than this little Honda, and Sterling almost wished he’d suggested taking Cyler’s vehicle.
But he made it in and slid the seat as far back as possible, stretching out his legs.
“You make this car seem so small.” Laken glanced at him. “You and your super-long legs. Seriously, why didn’t I get those genetics?”
Sterling grinned. “I’m sure Cyler thinks your short little legs are cute.”
Laken grinned mischievously. “He sure as hell does. Especially when they’re wrapped—”
“Okay! Done now, I totally walked into that one,” Sterling groused.
Laken laughed as they drove away from the ranch house. “Yeah, you did.”
They continued in silence for a few miles, Sterling’s attention drawn to the passing landscape and the changing colors of the trees.
“So, this might be a random question, but it’s been on my mind since Kessed and I had a girls’ night and went over wedding stuff.” Laken cast a furtive glance at Sterling, waiting for him to respond.
Sterling nodded once. “Okay, what’s up?”
“So...are you okay with going to the wedding?” Laken asked in a rush. “It’s just coming up here soon, and Kessed didn’t want to put you in a weird position by inviting or not inviting you...so I said I’d ask.”
“As usual, she has you doing her dirty work,” Sterling pestered, watching as his sister’s tense expression started to relax.
“Yeah well...some things never change.”
“Damn straight,” Sterling retorted. “And of course I want to be there. A week or so ago, I might not have been as okay as I am now, but...” He shrugged. “...seeing her and Jasper together, it makes sense. I get that. I honestly wish them the best.” His lips twitched as he had an errant thought.
“What are you thinking?” Laken narrowed her eyes at him then turned her attention back to the road as they merged onto the freeway toward Seattle.
Sterling shook his head. “It’s just that I was thinking...well, Kessed doesn’t have a big brother to put the fear of God into Jasper like I did with Cyler. It might be awkward, but I kinda want to do the same thing for her. Have that man-to-man talk with Jasper, threaten him a bit. You know?” Sterling chuckled. “After all, turnabout’s fair play.” He shook his head, amused.
That would certainly turn the tables. Not that Jasper had been out of line to talk to Sterling yesterday. No. He was doing exactly what he should do as a protective older brother. He was looking out for Harper.
But with Kessed, all she had were her aging grandparents in Seattle. It would be a fun twist of things for Sterling to step up and give Jasper the same talk.
“You wouldn’t,” Laken said, but her lips twitched in amusement.
“Maybe, maybe not. We’ll see.”
Laken regarded him. “What do you mean when you said turnabout’s fair play? Did Jasper talk with you?”
Sterling studied his sister.
Her lips weren’t relaxed, and her cheeks were tense.
“You know exactly what I’m talking about. Kessed can’t keep a secret to save her life, and you guys talk about everything. What do you know, Laken?”
Laken gave him a sheepish expression. “Not much, just that Jasper suspected that maybe you and Harper...” She let the words linger with implication.
“Me and Harper, what?” Sterling wasn’t giving anything away.
Laken glanced from him to the road, her lips twisting. “You know...might be interested in more than friendship.”
“Okay, and?”
“And...” She glared at him. “...and you’re the worst person in the world to talk to regarding this stuff! Gah! Tell me already! It’s killing me! Do you like her?”
“I’ve never understood that expression.” Sterling rolled his eyes.
“You know what I mean!” Laken smacked his leg.
“Hey, no need to resort to abuse.”
“Deal. Now...” She glanced to him, imploring him with her eyes.
Sterling sobered. “Maybe.”
“Way to commit.” Laken sighed. “That’s all you’re going to give me? ‘Maybe.’” She mimicked his lower tone on the last part.
“It’s complicated.”
“No. It’s simple,” Laken argued.
“For you maybe, but—”
“Shhh. Nope. You get to just listen for a second.” His sister lifted a finger and waited for Sterling.
Sterling motioned with his hand for her to continue.
“Pay attention.” She speared him with a glance. “Love is simple. People are complicated. Okay? It’s not love. It’s never love. It’s us. We are the ones that make it difficult.”
Sterling nodded once. “I get that. It makes sense, but that doesn’t make anything easier.”
“Nope. And if you listened, I never once said it was easy. I said it was simple.”
He tilted his head, thinking about what she had said.
Laken continued. “Easy and simple are not the same thing. Sometimes the simplest things are the most difficult for us to get our heads around.” She shook her head. “But that’s part of the beauty of it. So, all this to say, if you like Harper, don’t let fear get in the way of going for something good. Love is simple, it’s worth it, and you have a chance at finding it, why in the hell would you not take it?”
Sterling considered her point. Why wouldn’t he take it? He’d be crazy not to jump at the chance, yet what if it didn’t work?
What if he got hurt, or worse, hurt her?
“You’re overthinking it. Don’t,” Laken asserted.
Sterling studied his sister. “You always were a smart one.”
“I know. You got the legs. I got the brains.” Laken glanced to his stretched-out legs and grinned, turning her eyes back to the road.
“Maybe I’ll talk with Harper when we get back,” he said, mostly to himself.
“Communication is pretty paramount,” Laken agreed. “Seriously. Don’t leave the poor girl guessing. We hate that.” She gave a sharp glare.
“I thought girls like the whole mysterious-man thing.”
“You think wrong. We like a little mystery, not obscurity. Be direct. If you like her, tell her. Be up front. Tell her she’s worth the risk and remind her to guard her own heart too.” She grinned. “Seriously though, this is gold. What I’m telling you here is gold. You should take notes.” She gave him a pointed stare then turned back to the road.
“Mental notes.”
“Sure, sure.”
“So be direct, straightforward, and go for it.”
“Basically, yes.”
Sterling frowned. “But, how much of Harper’s history do you know?”
Laken cast him a wary glance. “Enough.”
“Me too, and you still think that this is solid advice?” Sterling asked.
His sister bit her lip. She turned on her blinker and passed a semitruck. “That’s a valid question, and yes, I do. Because you’re being up front with her. Harper needs honesty. She needs to know where you stand.” Laken’s expression grew pensive. “You...you’ve always had this protector alpha thing going for you, and I have the feeling that you make her feel safe.” She frowned slightly. “Does that make sense? And if I were to guess, I’d think that safe is exactly what Harper needs, craves even. And honestly, Sterling, you need someone to protect.” She speared him with a glance that saw right through him.
“What?” he asked, startled by her insight.
Laken sighed thoughtfully as she studied the road ahead. “You’ve always been that guy, the one who stands up for the underdog on the playground, the one who looks out for everyone, the one who was willing to risk his life to make the world a better place. And since you don’t have that, you’re kinda aimless. Now”—she flickered her gaze to him, as if making sure she had his full attention—“that’s not to say you need to use Harper’s needing you as a crutch or a way to fill some misdirected need you have since you’re not in the Marine Corps. What I am saying is that what she needs and who you are is a compatible match that, when in a healthy relationship, meets both your requirements in a way that could be beautiful. But you should make sure you’re not looking for a crutch. She deserves more than that, and so do you. Am I making sense?”
Sterling nodded, slowly sifting over her words, evaluating himself. “Yeah, I agree. And I see that. But how”—his brows pinched—“how do you know I’m ready? That I won’t screw it up—”
“You don’t, but this is the best way to gauge things. Are you listening?”
Sterling nodded.
“When you stop thinking of her, and you’re thinking of you, then that’s when it’s wrong. Love is always putting the other person first. If you don’t do that, then you’re screwing up.”
Sterling nodded.
“Cyler and I, it’s not perfect because we are not perfect. But every day, every time, I’m always thinking of him first. It’s a habit as much as it’s a choice. But he does the same for me, and pretty soon, it’s a way of life. You can’t go wrong when you love each other that way.” Laken hitched a shoulder.
Sterling turned his gaze to the densely wooded Cascade Forest as they passed by Cle Elum. “Thanks.” He turned to Laken.
“Anytime.”
The rest of the trip passed quickly enough, with the exception of the Bellevue bypass—which was always a nightmare as far as traffic was concerned. Laken dropped Sterling off at the front of the therapy wing of Harbor View and went to park the car in the large concrete parking garage.
The pain medication was wearing off, just as he’d anticipated, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t a good thing. He wanted to have his body register the real pain during therapy so he could give the doctor an honest account.
He checked in at the front desk, and before Laken made it to the waiting room, the nurse called him back.
The cream-colored halls and the scent of disinfectant added to the sterile feel of the therapy wing. The nurse led him to a patient room and directed him to sit. The older Asian woman took his vitals and then left him alone in the room, promising the therapist would soon be in.
Sterling pulled out his phone and scanned through his email account. Seeing nothing of interest, he searched for the solitaire app.
The door clicked open, and he glanced up and saw Laken. “Hey, what took you so long?” he teased.
“Concrete jungle has a whole new meaning. Seriously, it’s like a rat maze, and I couldn’t find a parking spot.” She rolled her eyes and took a seat in one of the red chairs beside the doctor’s swivel stool.
The door opened again, and Sterling gave a tight smile to his therapist, Dr. Hanson.
“Hey there, Captain Garlington. How are you?” The white-coated man held out his hand, and Sterling shook it.
“Fine,” Sterling answered simply.
“Nurse Myer.” The doctor extended the same greeting to Laken.
“Doctor.” Laken shook his hand.
“Well, Sterling, let’s get started.”
Over an hour later, Sterling was wiping the sweat from his forehead, his leg screaming at him in pain as he finished the last set of tests to benchmark his progress.
“Good, good. Go ahead and sit down.” Dr. Hanson motioned to the bench in the therapy room they were in.
Laken was standing beside the doctor as they spoke in lower tones.
“Guys, please?” Sterling gave his sister an irritated glare.
“Sorry, just asking a few questions,” Laken admitted.
“Your sister has some great insights. It’s an asset that she’s there to assist you,” Dr. Hanson started. “From what I can see, your leg is progressing exactly as predicted, and I see no reason for you to not make a marked improvement over the next month. I’m signing off that you’re safe to operate a vehicle as well. I agree that the horse therapy is helping with your agility and coordination, so continue that and...” He shrugged. “...I’ll see you two in a month. Do you have any other questions?”
A smile tipped his lips at the news that he’d be able to drive. Sterling paused. He had one question, but it wasn’t one he wanted to ask. It felt wrong; rather, it had a certain amount of shame attached to it. But he also needed to know. “I’ve been taking my pain medication, so is that something I need to refill or that I should start to wean myself from?”
Dr. Hanson took a deep breath, crossing his arms as he thought. He glanced at his notes. “I don’t like prescribing refills unless it’s absolutely necessary. You’re progressing well, and I don’t want you to become dependent on the medication, so at this point, no.” He studied Sterling, as if trying to deduce his reaction.
“Sounds good.” Sterling nodded, both terrified and relieved all at once. Terrified, because of the pain; relieved, because he didn’t want to have the temptation of more medication available.
He didn’t know what was the right course of action, so thankfully, the doctor had taken away the options.
He’d best start to learn to deal with the pain.
His leg throbbed in protest.
“Did you happen to bring your medication with you?” Dr. Hanson asked.
Laken studied Sterling.
“No, I took it last night but didn’t take it this morning. I wanted to be aware of my body’s pain levels during our appointment today.”
“Good. I’ll give you a small dose to take before you leave. Your leg has been through a lot, and I’m sure it is protesting.” He gave a small smile and then nodded to Laken. “I’ll have the nurse bring it into the patient room when she gives you the checkout form.” He extended his hand to Laken, shook it, then turned back to Sterling. “Keep up the good work.”
Sterling shook his hand and watched him signal back to the patient room.
“Thanks.”
The doctor gave a quick wave and disappeared down the hall.
Laken sat in the same seat as before, and Sterling took the one beside her.
As promised, the nurse came in with two small pills and a Dixie cup of water, along with the checkout form.
Soon they were on their way.
“Was that as bad as it looked?” Laken asked as they accelerated onto the freeway away from the skyscrapers of Seattle and back toward the sagebrush hills of Ellensburg.
Sterling sighed. “Yeah.” He hated admitting it.
“I’m sorry,” she answered softly.
“It’s okay. I’m doing better, according to the doctor.”
“Yeah, you really are, Sterling. Are...” She paused. “...are you being responsible with your pain meds?”
She speared him with a direct gaze.
“Yeah, I am,” he answered, but there was a lingering feeling of uneasiness that settled over him.
“Good. Hey, do me a favor?” Laken asked.
Sterling waited, wary.
“Call Cyler. I think we all need pizza tonight,” she added with a warm smile.
Sterling relaxed.
Sometimes the best thing after a hard day was good people.
Good beer.
And good pizza.