CHAPTER 9
Sterling couldn’t wipe the self-satisfied smile from his face as he handed a stack of notes to Harper.
“Stop grinning like that, or I’m going to make you pay for it next time you have therapy,” she told him.
He coughed to cover up his laughter.
“I heard that.”
Sterling gave up and chuckled. “Really I’m just replaying your facial expression when you ate your grilled cheese. I’m pretty sure your mouth had an orgasm.”
“I already said you won. I gave credit where credit is due. What else do you want from me?” Harper set down the pen and glared at him.
“Nothing, just enjoying my fifteen minutes of victory.”
“It’s been more than fifteen minutes.” She picked up the pen. Her phone buzzed on the table, and she eyed it warily.
Sterling studied the phone. Immediately, his thoughts targeted on the phone call she had received this morning, the one that had led to their later conversation about her past. He locked down his expression, even as his body reacted with a fierce drive to protect her. He’d known enough of her story to assume she’d had a rough go of it, but he hadn’t a clue to the severity. As she had unfolded her history, it had taken everything within him to contain his fury toward her ex. It wouldn’t help her to see him all bent out of shape and pissed, but it tore at him, ate him alive to think that she’d endured so much, so unnecessarily.
It was a hard transition. In combat you could shoot at the bad guys and rescue the people needing to be saved. In civilian life, the bad guys were just as bad, but you couldn’t exactly run after them with your gun.
As much as I want to.
Yet Sterling knew that if he allowed that more violent nature to bleed through his expression, Harper might misinterpret it. And it was more important to protect her than to unleash his aggression, however deserved it might be.
“Hello?” she answered the phone, her body relaxing as she listened.
As the tension left her shoulders, he assumed that it wasn’t a call like the one she received this morning, and he found that he calmed as well.
“Sure, what dairy?” She nodded once, her gaze flickering to the table as she listened. “Anything else?”
Sterling listened to see if he could determine who was on the other end. His money was on her brother, Jasper.
“I’ll be right there.” She ended the call and met his gaze.
Sterling raised his brows, curious.
“Jasper needs extra calcium. Dairy cow has milk fever. Let’s go.”
He watched as she rose from the wooden chair at the table and stacked the files into a neat pile. “So...cows.”
“Yup. Lots of them around here.” Harper gave him a sassy little smirk.
“Smartass. So, I’m tagging along?” Sterling asked as he followed her out the front door.
“Unless you want to keep Spartan company.” She nodded toward the barn as they walked by. “Hold up.” She ran into the barn and came back out with a small box and motioned her chin toward her pickup.
“Trying to pawn me off on your horse?”
“Yup.”
“Cows or horses, those are my options. Damn, I miss bullets and guns.”
Harper snorted, grinning in disbelief as she opened her pickup door. “Really? You’d rather be shot at?”
“Don’t knock it. I loved my job,” Sterling remarked as he got into the passenger side of the truck. He covered his feelings as he spoke, but his chest pinched at the honesty of his words. He really did miss it.
Harper started the engine then backed out, heading down the drive, her green gaze shifting to him then back to the road. A tiny furrow in her brow had him anticipating that some sort of question was forthcoming.
He was proven right as she glanced to him again. “What did you love the most? Or do you not want to talk about it?”
Sterling shifted his gaze to the sagebrush dotting the landscape as they pulled onto the main road. “I don’t mind talking about it. At least, I don’t mind much.” He gave her a sidelong glance then turned back to the passing terrain. “I miss having everything cut and dry. I miss knowing that I was making a difference, and doing it with my own two hands, my two feet.” He shrugged, taking a deep breath. “I miss that I knew my future, and the certainty it held.”
Harper sighed, and he turned to watch her. “I get that. Did you always want to be a marine?”
Sterling nodded once. “Pretty much. You can ask Laken, but I don’t ever remember a Christmas going by where I didn’t ask for some sort of military toy, and when I got older, I asked for gear.”
“So, getting injured...” She let the words linger in the air.
“Sucked balls,” Sterling emphasized, earning a slight chuckle from Harper.
“Sorry, I shouldn’t laugh.” She bit her lip, and he tore his gaze from the temptation it presented.
“It’s okay, I was trying to lighten things up,” he admitted. “But yeah, it sucked. It still sucks.”
“You couldn’t go back, even after you healed up?” Harper looked at his leg then back to his eyes before returning her attention to the road.
Sterling shrugged. “That was one of the first decisions I had to make even before I left the hospital.” He glanced down to his jean-clad legs. Through the denim they looked the same, but he could feel the definite difference in their strength, their power. And they sure as hell wouldn’t look the same if he were wearing shorts. “I asked the doctor and the therapist if I’d regain full strength. And neither of them could give me any positive news. In my gut, I had already known that, but it about killed me to hear them say it out loud. And in the field, you gotta run. You gotta move, be agile, and if I can’t do that, then I’m a threat to myself and my team out there. I can’t do that.” He met her gaze with a forthright one of his own.
“But, what about other...what do you call it...departments? Couldn’t you have done a different type of job rather than be out in the middle of it all?”
Sterling lifted a shoulder. “Yeah, I could have, but...I just couldn’t do it. It would slowly kill me to see but not be able to participate. You know? I realize my limits, and that’s just something that I didn’t think I could do, at least well. And I’m not going to do something where people’s lives might depend on me when I can only give a half-ass effort. I’m not made that way.”
“So...you resigned,” Harper stated. It was common knowledge, so it didn’t surprise him that it wasn’t a question.
“Yeah.”
“And do you regret that?” she asked.
“Some days.” He rubbed his hands down his jeans and turned to glance out the window.
“Some days are better than others,” Harper said simply, yet the words had such a deep meaning.
“Some are.”
The sound of the engine was the only noise in the cab as she turned off the main highway and down a dusty dirt road. Metal fencing lined the drive as Holstein cows plodded in their pasture, barely casting the truck a glance.
As she pulled up beside Jasper’s pickup, she killed the engine. “You coming?”
Harper’s brows were arched above her face in a challenging expression, and Sterling couldn’t resist. “Lead the way.”
She jumped from the cab and started toward the metal barn, and Sterling tucked his hands in his pockets, slightly uneasy at the prospect of Harper’s brother questioning just why Sterling was with his sister.
This could be interesting.
“Hey!” She lifted the box in her hands as she approached Jasper and Kessed.
Jasper waved in welcome, then as he caught sight of Sterling, his eyes narrowed into a wary confusion before he smoothed over his expression.
“Hey.” Sterling nodded, keeping his hands in his pockets and wishing he’d stayed in the pickup.
“Hi, Sterling. What brings you out here? I told you, cows kinda grow on ya.” Kessed winked and shoved Jasper with her shoulder, further shaking him from his study of Sterling.
“Yeah, you never said that, and nope, I’m actually being held captive so...” Sterling teased, thankful for how Kessed had broken the ice.
“He’s my bitch for the day.” Harper shrugged as she handed over the box to Jasper.
Sterling laughed then turned it into a cough when Harper glared at him. “Sure, sure,” he teased.
“Thanks for dropping this off. I swear I put enough in the truck this morning—”
“This was on the shelf beside the door. I think you probably took it out but somehow missed it.”
“Yeah, probably. Something...” Jasper turned to Kessed, arching a brow. “...must have distracted me.”
“Innocent.” Kessed lifted her hands.
“La, la, la.” Harper covered her ears. “Don’t want to know. And I’m sure that Sterling doesn’t either. You two, have fun.” She lifted her hands and turned around, heading back toward the pickup and disappearing out the door.
Sterling grinned, feeling a new kinship with Harper. He wasn’t exactly comfortable with this line of conversation either. But thankfully, it didn’t sting like he would have expected.
Which was both good and bad.
Good, because it meant he was moving on from Kessed.
Bad, because it meant he might be directing his attention elsewhere. And he was pretty sure Harper was the target of his own personal distraction.
“Hey, Sterling.” Jasper nodded to him then cast a glance to Kessed. He stepped toward Sterling as he returned his gaze.
Kessed bit her lip, her expression amused as Jasper approached Sterling.
“Yeah?” Sterling focused on Jasper, guessing what was coming.
“Take a little walk with me.” Jasper placed his hand on Sterling’s back, smacking it once as they fell into step together.
“Busted!” Kessed called out.
Sterling wanted to one-finger salute her but restrained himself. No need to add fuel to the fire.
“What’s up?” Sterling asked, waiting for Jasper to speak his mind.
Jasper slowed his steps and then stopped, facing Sterling. His gaze evaluated Sterling. “Quite honestly, I don’t know what to think of you, man. You toyed with Kessed’s heart for years before you finally pulled your head out of your ass, and I’m damn lucky you waited so long to grow the hell up. Because while you were growing up, I found her, and she’s everything to me. Everything. And now, I see you with my little sister...” Jasper worked his jaw slightly, his gaze narrowing. “Harper might come off a hardass and strong, but she’s not as tough as you think. And I swear that if you lead her on, hurt her, or if you do anything to make her life less than the safe place that we’ve fought to make it, things will not go well for you. Understand?” Having spoken his mind, he simply waited.
Sterling nodded once. What more could he say? Was he certain he was long-term interested in Harper? Was he at a place in life where he should even think about it? No. Jasper was doing what he should do.
And Sterling hated that he was everything that Jasper had said.
His head had been stuck up his ass for too long.
And he wasn’t totally convinced he had remedied the issue.
Didn’t Harper deserve more than that?
“Do you have anything to say?” Jasper asked, his stance relaxing slightly.
Sterling tilted his head, regarding his confronter. “You’re a good man, Jasper. And I’m...I’m really glad that Kess has you. I’m not going to lie. It sucked hard when I realized I was too little and too late, but it was for the best.”
Jasper nodded once, waiting for Sterling to continue.
“As for Harper, I don’t know what to tell you. I’d kick my own ass if I hurt her. She’s been through hell. She deserves that safe place to heal. All I can say is that I want that for her too. And I know you’re thinking I’m chasing her skirt, but as tempting as it is, I know I’m not ready...and maybe she isn’t either.”
Sterling’s chest constricted as he spoke the words, knowing the truth of them was a letdown. Because if he were honest with himself, he had wanted more from Harper than she was able to give.
And maybe more than he was able to give back.
Jasper reached out and placed a hand on Sterling’s shoulder. “Good to hear. I’m assuming that she’s opened up a bit about her past?” Jasper removed his hand.
Sterling nodded. “We talked earlier. Turns out we both have shit we’re dealing with.” He gave a humorless laugh.
Jasper blew out a breath. “Well, I’m glad she’s talking to someone. It’s easy for her to wrap herself up in her racing, in her thoughts, and just run away.”
Sterling shifted his weight, his leg starting to ache as the pain medication began to wear off.
Thankfully, it was still easy enough to ignore.
“Well, good talk.” Jasper turned and walked toward the barn, and Sterling followed.
Kessed was waiting, her hands in her pockets as her gaze flickered between Sterling and Jasper. “No blood?”
“No blood,” Jasper replied, his tone beleaguered.
“Disappointed?” Sterling teased.
“Eh, no. He could take you.” Kessed winked at Jasper as she directed the statement to Sterling.
“We’ll call it even.” Jasper chuckled, pulling Kessed in and kissing the top of her head. “Let’s take care of this cow.”
“Sweet nothings in my ear,” Kessed teased then turned to Sterling. “See ya.”
Sterling waved as he went to Harper waiting in the pickup, her focus on her phone. Sterling was half tempted to smack the window and scare her, but he thought better of it. No reason to freak her out; woman was already frightened enough for one lifetime.
As he opened the passenger door, he smiled.
She narrowed her eyes in response. “What did I miss?”
Sterling shrugged then decided to take a different route. Knowing Harper, she’d just get pissed at her brother for doing his job in protecting her. So rather, he just asked, “Do you think Jasper could take me in a fight?”
Harper blinked, a slow grin working across her face as she started the truck.
“Right now?” she asked, her hair spilling over her shoulder as she turned to back out.
“Yeah.” Sterling nodded, thankful she had taken the bait.
“Between the two of us...” she started.
“Yeah?”
“My money’s on you. But don’t tell Jasper.”
Sterling grinned. Even if it was hypothetical, it felt good to have someone bet on him.
Especially when he wasn’t sure he would bet on himself.