CHAPTER 21
It had been a week of sheer hell.
When Laken had come home, Harper had kissed his cheek, said goodbye, and asked for time.
And who the hell was he to deny her anything?
It had all been Sterling’s fault, so he’d nodded, said a prayer, and watched the woman he loved walk out of his room, and possibly out of his life.
He’d wrestled with a broken heart, knowing he had no one to blame but himself, while also dealing with the withdrawal symptoms.
Laken had explained that it was opioid dependency and educated him on all the stages he’d encounter. As each day rolled into the next, one symptom would subside only to be replaced with a more powerful one. Yet after the first three days, he’d started to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Or maybe that was just the fact that he hadn’t slept in three days.
Another side effect—insomnia.
But throughout the whole process, Laken had been there, tag-teaming with Cyler, and Sterling’s respect for his brother-in-law had increased.
As the week wound down, he found he had more than enough time to think, process, and torture himself with his foolish choices.
I should have known.
I should have asked for help sooner.
I should have never taken the pain medication.
A thousand should haves and no excuses.
When Friday rolled around, he finally asked Laken if Harper had contacted her at all.
Laken took a seat on the bed, and Sterling tried to prepare himself.
“She asked me to text, so I have.”
He frowned, knowing he was missing something. “And?”
“And she hasn’t replied.” Laken reached out and touched his shoulder. “I’m sorry. That might not mean anything, or it could mean everything. Regardless, I think today you need to get out and get some fresh air. You’ve been cooped up in the house too long.” Laken shifted the conversation effectively, though Sterling’s thoughts still lingered on Harper.
As always.
And he vowed that if she’d give him even half a chance, he’d do everything in his power to earn her trust, no matter if it took him till his dying breath.
“C’mon. Let’s go.”
Laken offered her hand, and Sterling took it, using some of her strength to help him stand on his weakened legs. But thankfully, the joint pain had subsided and all that was left was a dull ache in his thigh that wasn’t overly bad.
“How’s the leg?” Laken asked when he was standing.
“Better than I expected.”
“That’s good. Can you manage from here?” Laken let go of his arm.
“Yeah.” Sterling nodded.
His sister walked out of the room, and he was about to follow when he glanced at his phone and, on a whim, grabbed it and put it in his pocket.
Laken turned from her path toward the kitchen and gave him a soft pat on the shoulder.
He crossed to the front door. As Sterling stepped out into the morning sunshine, he breathed in deeply, feeling like a prisoner who had just been granted a pardon, experiencing freedom for the first precious moments.
A smile slowly moved across his cracked but healing lips as he soaked in the warmth of the sunshine, the crisp fall air, and the scent of dry earth. He walked along the gravel drive toward the barn in a familiar limp, but rather than feeling weak, he was thankful for the slight pain and the feebleness he felt.
Hell, even the scars.
Each dull ache reminded him that there were no drugs blocking his senses.
Every limp reminded him of what he’d overcome.
The scars reminded him that he was healing.
Maybe not whole.
But whole enough.
As he walked into the barn, his gaze fell on Margaret, and he walked toward her, memories of Harper flooding him like heavy rain. He owed that woman more of an apology than what he’d been able to stammer out earlier. She deserved to ask him questions, throw punches, even run him over with her damn horse.
He pulled out his phone, snapped a picture of Margaret, and sent it as a peace offering to his friend.
Sterling wandered out from the barn and toward the fire-scarred hillside, remembering how he’d kissed Harper, remembering how he was terrified he’d break her heart.
As if somehow, deep inside, he’d known the truth.
His phone buzzed, and he glanced to the screen.
Making friends?
He grinned, thankful to have any response from Harper, let alone one that was full of her sexy sass that he missed so much.
Trying. I’ve been told that horses are good listeners.
He waited as Harper typed a response.
Cheaper than a therapist.
Sterling chuckled, then decided to take the risk.
I want to apologize. But if you can’t accept that right now, I understand. Because it’s not only about me. I’m learning that. Just because I need to apologize doesn’t mean that it’s more important than what you need. And if you still need time, it’s yours.
He wasn’t sure if that made total sense, but it was a shot. And it gave Harper the choice.
Love is patient. Love is kind.
Is not self-seeking...thinks of others.
He remembered his grandma saying that often. He’d been so young when she passed and hadn’t fully grasped the depth of the words.
Their truth.
He loved Harper with every fiber of his being.
But loving her meant that he’d think of her and what she needed first.
Not him.
Her.
Even if that meant letting go.
His phone buzzed, and he breathed in deeply and then read the message.
You damn well do owe me an apology. If you’re in the barn, I’m assuming you’re well enough to have at it. Be ready in ten minutes.
Sterling re-read the message, a wide grin breaking across his face.
I’ll be waiting.
Sterling didn’t expect a response and made his way back toward the barn, a frown puckering his brow as he considered just how to apologize for so much. He didn’t even know where to begin.
He was still processing his thoughts when he heard a truck come up the drive.
Heart pounding, he leaned against a worn beam and waited.
Harper stomped into the barn, hands on hips and a pissed-off expression on her face.
He’d never seen anything more beautiful.
“Hey,” he greeted, drinking in the sight of her, just in case it was one of the last times.
“Well?” she asked, hitching a shoulder and cocking her head. Her green eyes flashed with hurt and anger as she approached him, daring him to try to fix the mess he’d made.
Worst of all, he had nothing.
An apology wasn’t enough.
It was the truth, so that’s where he started. “Harper.”
She paused about a yard from him, her blond hair pulled into a low ponytail that curled at the purple tips. Wide lips were set in a firm line as she waited, arching a brow in defiance.
Damn, he loved her.
He stood fully, not using the beam for support as he regarded her. “I hurt you, and I said I wouldn’t.”
She nodded.
“I said I wouldn’t lie, but instead I stole. When you should have been able to trust me utterly, I went behind your back. And all the ways I promised to be strong, I had no right to lead you to believe I was anything other than weak. You’ve seen me at rock bottom, and right now, I’m only hovering an inch or two above it, and that’s on me. All this...” He pounded his chest as he gave his head a slow shake. “...is on me. My fault. My weakness, my stupid, fucked-up mess. And you deserve more than an apology, but it is literally the only thing I have to offer you.”
He held his hands up in surrender, breathing in the sight of her as emotions flickered across her expression more rapidly than he could catch.
The air was thick with tension as he waited, surrendered, fully expecting to watch her beautiful ass walk away.
Her lips parted. “Was it all a lie?”
Sterling frowned. Shock followed by despair knifed him in the heart as he understood her question. “No, never. Even when I took those damn pills from your bathroom, I came clean. Harper, the person I lied to wasn’t you. It was me. I tricked myself into thinking I was strong enough, that I wasn’t dependent on the drugs, that I wasn’t dependent on you, on anyone, all the while promising you that I was able to be there for you, when I didn’t have my own shit together. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, but Harper, none of this...” He flicked his finger between the two of them. “...was fake. It was as real as it gets, and I’m the reason that now it’s broken. And I’d give anything to make that right again.” He studied her face, the curve of her cheek, the perfect shape of her nose, wanting her so badly, yet loving her enough to want something better for her than what he had to offer.
“It’s been a long week.” Harper sighed, but it wasn’t a relaxed sound. It was tense like her shoulders, and Sterling steeled himself for what was surely the setdown and breakup he deserved. She continued. “Did you ever wonder why my medication was still there? It had been almost two years since I was in the hospital, Sterling.” Her blond brows furrowed.
The thought hadn’t crossed his mind, yet as he pondered it, he started to wonder if Harper knew more about dependence than he’d thought.
Had maybe even experienced it.
The concept rocked him. “No, actually. I hadn’t considered it.”
Harper blew out a slow breath, causing her perfect lips to curve into an O shape. “I kept them on purpose. Because I liked how they made me feel, how the medication gave me a sense of stability, of knowing everything would work out in a time when I wasn’t so sure. I wasn’t dependent like you were, but I wasn’t able to fully let go either.”
He wanted to reach out and grasp her hand, to hold her tightly and smell her sun-kissed hair, to share that understanding with her, because he knew exactly what she meant. The drugs had made him feel powerful. They’d made him feel in control and...happy. And they had come at the time in his life when those very things had been in short supply.
Damn, he wished he’d known it before he’d even taken the pills home.
“So, what I’m saying is that I understand. That doesn’t make what you did right.” She lifted a hand. “But it means...it’s not unforgiveable, Sterling.”
He gave a slow nod, beyond grateful to have her forgiveness, but knowing it fell so short of what he truly wanted.
Her love.
“Thank you, Harper. That’s more than I deserve,” he answered openly.
“Maybe, but that’s the best part about being forgiven. You don’t have to deserve it,” she answered.
“Regardless, thank you. And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry again, and again.” He ran his fingers through his hair.
“I learned something too this week.” Harper tapped the wooden floor with the toe of her boot.
“Oh?”
“When I saw you in bed shaking like a leaf...it was sobering. I mean, that could have been me. So easily. Yet, here I am, years later on the other side and still running scared.” She gave a frustrated snort. “Sterling, you taught me how to run to something, not away. And what I need to know is if you’re done running too.” She took a small step toward him, her green eyes darting down to the ground before meeting his once more. “I’ve never been more terrified than I have been in this past week, not for myself, but for you. Because you have some choices ahead of you, and each one affects your future, and as much as it freaks the hell out of me, it affects mine too. So, what is it going to be? What are you going to run to, Sterling? Because if it’s anything other than me, I swear I’ll—”
Sterling cut off her threat with a kiss, losing himself in her soft lips, the sweet and spicy scent of lemon and cinnamon clinging to her skin combining with the minty flavor of her mouth. Harper pressed into the kiss, her lips as eager as his as they danced together. Her tongue flicked against his, then retreated as she tugged on his lower lip playfully, eliciting a groan from deep within him.
If he didn’t stop now, they were going to give Margaret a show.
Easing back, he pressed his forehead against hers, inhaling every breath she let go, wanting every part of her mixed with his. “I love you so damn much. I swear, if I have to live without you, it might kill me,” he confessed. “But I’d let you go, Harper. I would, because I know you deserve someone so much better than—”
It was her turn to complete his words with a kiss, and after she seared her love over his mouth, she pulled away, confessing it with her voice. “I love you too. Don’t you ever scare me again like you did this past week. We clear?”
Sterling tenderly kissed her nose. “Understood.”
“Now, since that’s all settled...” She backed up and looked him over. “...what’s next?”
Sterling sucked in a calming breath, knowing they needed to talk. There was time for coming together later. Someone up above must have been looking out for him. “Cyler agreed to hire me, saying I needed to get my ass out of the house and do something so I didn’t wallow, though I think Laken might have added a few words in here or there.”
Harper giggled softly, the harsh edge to her expression long gone.
“And he has his crew members routinely drug tested. So, I’ll be held accountable with that. I’m not going to expect that I won’t be tempted, Harper. I’m going into this with eyes wide open.” He traced the line down her cheek to her chin.
“Good.”
“And I’m going to stay here for the next year or so, just to make sure I’m doing what I need to, and they’re going to routinely test me here as well.”
“So far the plan sounds solid.” Harper reached down and grasped his hands.
He grinned. “The best part is that in about eight months I’m going to be an uncle too.”
Harper’s face broke out into a huge grin. “No way! Does Kessed know?”
“Yeah, but I think everyone’s sworn to secrecy till she’s a little further along.”
“Is Cyler freaking out?”
Sterling chuckled. “He’s—what did you call it?—peacocking?”
“Ha! I bet he is. He has a reason to!” Harper laughed, the sound the most relaxing thing Sterling had ever heard.
“I think that’s all. It’s mostly just one day at a time.” He sobered, squeezing her hand.
“One day at a time. I think I can manage that.” Harper rose on her toes and brushed a featherlight kiss across his lips, driving him mad with wanting her. “As long as each day means we do this together.”
Sterling drew back, wanting her to read the sincerity in his gaze. “Together. That’s a future worth living for.”
Harper kissed him once again, and he reveled in the tenderness, thankful that this wasn’t a kiss that meant goodbye.
It was a kiss that was in a long list of many to come.