CHAPTER 14
Harper bit her lip as she crested the top of the canyon and started down the winding road, keeping her eyes open for the campsite on the other side. As the sign for Big Pines came into view, she pulled in.
“Can you take out my Discovery Pass? That way we won’t have to pay to get in,” Harper asked Sterling as she pointed to her glove compartment.
Sterling sorted through the papers within and lifted the pass with a questioning expression.
“Yup, that’s the one.”
Harper took it from Sterling’s outstretched hand and hung it on her rearview mirror. There wasn’t a person stationed at the check-in, but that didn’t mean they wouldn’t be back to make sure all the visitors abided by the honor system.
And it was far cheaper to pay for the annual or day pass than to be given a ticket for trying to sneak in.
Sterling hadn’t engaged any further in their conversation, and Harper wondered what that meant. Was it good? Bad? Instinctively, she built up the walls around herself. If she closed off, then nothing could hurt.
And she had dealt with enough hurt for a lifetime. She didn’t need any more.
But what had Jasper said to him?
As she put the pickup in park, she turned to Sterling, keeping the engine running to let the A/C cool the cab.
“So?” she asked, her curiosity fighting against her will to remain uninvested.
Protected.
“So, you asked a good question, and Harper, you deserve a straight answer.”
Harper’s shoulders tensed, her hands flexing slightly as she waited for whatever Sterling was going to say.
Fleetingly, she thought how pathetic it was that she was expecting something bad, something that would hurt.
That was always her first instinct.
It wasn’t an expectation for good.
But for pain, for something that would hurt. And this was no different. Did she have any reason to think that Sterling was going to say something to hurt her? No, but that didn’t change the fact that it was a real reaction.
Not because of anything he’d ever done.
But because of her.
The issue was within, and that was what made it so damn difficult to conquer.
“You all right?” Sterling asked, his gray eyes narrowing as he studied her in the close confines of the cab.
Harper took a shallow breath.
It was too close—everything was just too close.
“I need some air,” she replied as she opened the door. After slamming the pickup door shut, she absentmindedly wrapped her arms around her middle and strode to the river, keeping her eyes on how it rippled across the canyon, lapping at the shore.
She heard his footsteps behind her then the jingle of her keys.
Hanging her head in irritation at herself for forgetting to turn off the truck, she hazarded a glance at Sterling, who was holding the dancing keys out to her. She gave him a tight smile and took them. “Thanks.”
“No problem. I’m assuming you didn’t want to keep the engine running?” he asked, but without sarcasm, just a gentle tone.
Harper relaxed slightly and shook her head. “No.”
As she waited for Sterling to ask about why she’d bolted again, she grew tense with the anticipation.
Nothing good came from silence.
Did it?
Just when she was about to speak up, break through the silent barrier, Sterling bent down, sifted through some stones and picked up a few.
“You ever skip rocks?” he asked, glancing up at her, squinting in the bright sunlight.
Harper felt her body relax in posture, and a smile cracked her lips. “Once or twice.”
“You any good?” Sterling asked, his grin widening.
Harper looked away, his expression causing butterflies to dance in her tummy. Damn, she both hated and loved the sensation. It had been a long time since she’d had that reaction.
It was innocent yet...not. That tingling sensation could lead to stupid choices.
And Sterling was a constant temptation to acting on those crazy impulses.
She took a deep breath of pine-scented air and cleared her head. “Good enough,” she finally answered.
“I won’t issue any challenges then. I’ve lost enough for one day,” Sterling replied as he stood back up, taking aim.
“Where’s your sense of adventure?” Harper asked, feeling more at ease. Teasing, sarcasm, even a little bit of flirting—those she could handle. Those didn’t freak her out.
They were just surface interaction.
But things got real when she felt the pressure build in her chest, constricting her lungs and stealing her breath.
Skipping rocks? Baiting the bear? Now that she could do.
She bent down and picked up a flat river rock. After taking aim, she let it sail over the river just as Sterling hurled his as well. Both skipped several times before disappearing under the rippling water.
“How many?” Sterling asked.
“I think it was a tie.”
“That sucks.”
Harper giggled. “I know, right? The most anticlimactic ending.”
“Round two?” Sterling offered her a flat rock.
Harper grinned, plucking the rock from his hand and flicking her wrist in anticipation.
“Ladies first.”
Harper flung the stone over the river, watching as it skipped once, twice, then disappeared under the clear water.
“That was not my best throw.” She winced.
Sterling winked. “I think it’s safe to say I’ll win this round.”
Harper rolled her eyes but watched as he skipped the stone four times before it sunk to the bottom.
“Winner!” Sterling fist-pumped the air.
“All hail the champion.” Harper sighed, giving a small clap.
“So, why did I freak you out earlier? I mean, I know kissing you can have that reaction—and I haven’t figured out if that’s a good or bad thing.” He gave her a side grin. “But I guess the thing is...” He faced her, his gaze magnetic and stealing all her ability to run. “...I want you to run to me, not away. And I don’t know how to do that, but...a wise woman once told me that I need to lay it all out there. So, this is me, probably making an ass of myself.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I want to be the one you run to, not from. And I can’t promise that I won’t screw up, or that I won’t hurt you, but I want you to know that I think you’re worth the risk. Because all the things you’re scared of, I’m scared of too. And I know that this is a bigger step for you, so I’m putting the ball in your court, so to say. No guessing, no wondering. Here it is. You’re in control. Just tell me what you want...if anything. And I’ll do my best to be what you need.”
Sterling took a deep breath and stepped back, giving Harper some space.
She thought over his words, her body simultaneously trying to run both away and to him, and in the confusion, she was rooted to the ground. His words were everything she needed, yet everything that freaked the hell out of her.
Control.
He had said the magic word.
Did she want this? Want him?
Hell yes! But could she do this? Really?
If she had control...
If it was on her terms, her pace...
Would that be enough to combat the fear?
I want you to run to me, not away.
She breathed in, breathed out, repeating the words over and over in her head, thankful for the space, but also knowing that she needed to give him an answer.
He deserved one.
Could she be as brave as he? Lay it all out there, damn the consequences? Even if it hurt.
If it failed?
Even if it gave her a broken heart?
Control.
She lifted her gaze and studied Sterling. His broad shoulders were tense, even as he was trying to appear relaxed, accepting of her choice.
It took a brave man to risk his heart with someone as messed up as she. She didn’t just have baggage, she had a luggage factory. But it was also something that Sterling understood.
He was broken too.
Not in the same way, but broken was still broken.
And maybe, just maybe, two broken people didn’t make a mess.
Maybe they made a whole.
“Okay.” Harper breathed. Releasing the word into the air was both liberating and also terrifying—but didn’t give her the oppressive pressure she’d expected.
It set her free.
“Okay...” Sterling took a tentative step toward her.
Harper took a breath. “I don’t want to run away from you either. I’m scared as hell”—she shook her head—“but if you can be brave, so can I.”
Sterling’s face softened. “Can’t be outdone, can you?”
“You’re learning.” She gave a gentle laugh.
“Starting to. I think I have a long way to go, though.” Sterling took another step toward her.
“Eh, you’ll get there.” She shrugged, the familiar territory of teasing releasing some of the tension.
“I’m a quick learner.”
“Unless it’s on horseback.”
“Mean.” Sterling shook his head.
“At least you know what you’re getting into,” Harper challenged.
Sterling glanced to the rocky ground, a grin widening his full lips. He met her gaze again, his gray eyes dancing with amusement and...something else.
Hope.
“I’m pretty sure I’m at least marginally aware.”
“You still think it’s worth the risk?” Harper asked as he came toe to toe with her. Heart pounding, she couldn’t tear away from his gaze. She not only needed to hear his answer, she needed to see it reflected in his eyes.
Wow, she was an insecure mess.
“Absolutely,” Sterling replied immediately, his gaze warm, smoldering, as he lifted a hand and trailed a fingertip down her arm then laced her fingers within his own.
“I’m going to kiss you now. Is that okay?” he asked, murmuring the words, not breaking eye contact.
“Yeah.” Harper’s heart seized as she answered, fear and anticipation freezing her. She fluttered her lids closed when Sterling lowered his head, brushing his lips ever so softly against hers, then retreating.
She waited in anticipation, but when he didn’t kiss her again, she opened her eyes and furrowed her brow. “Is that all?”
Sterling chuckled. “Apparently not.” This time, he tugged her forward by their interlaced fingers, wrapped his other arm around her waist, and seared his lips across hers.
This wasn’t a gentle kiss. It was a possessive needful kiss, one that made Harper’s body temperature rise high enough to melt the freezing sensation of fear and awaken the long dormant desire she’d denied for so long. He took her lower lip in his mouth, caressing it with his tongue as his hand slid up her back, tangling in her hair gently, scattering her thoughts.
His lips were smooth and urgent as his tongue caressed hers, engaging in the dance of give and take, nip and slide, advance and retreat. Her other hand slid up his arm, discovering the geography of his biceps and how they sloped into his shoulder. He felt hard, like a warm stone under her palm, and she reached up to touch his dusty blond hair, tousled by the wind. Its soft texture was thick through her fingers as she tugged on it with a little more force than was necessary, but she was losing herself in the kiss, in the sensations of his body pressed against hers.
Sterling simply groaned against her mouth before sliding a hand up her back, under her shirt.
“Ah-hem.”
Harper broke from the kiss and blinked in the bright sunlight. An old Indian fisherman walked past, his gaze flickering between the two of them, a grin on his wrinkled face. “Maybe not in public.” He winked and strode on.
Harper’s face heated till she was sure she resembled a tomato in color.
Sterling nodded to the old man then turned to Harper, bursting into laughter.
She covered her mouth as she started to giggle, then that amusement simply grew till she was doubled over. “So, that just happened.”
“We may have gotten a little carried away,” he replied as he tried to regain his composure.
“A little.” Harper lifted her fingers, making a small space between them.
Sterling grinned, holding out his hand to her, waiting.
With only a slight twinge of trepidation, Harper laced her fingers through his again.
“So, I kinda jumped the gun, but you asked a question in the car about your brother. Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, tugging her close.
“Yes and no. Am I going to be angry at Jasper?”
Sterling chuckled. “No. He was just doing his job.”
“So, that means yes.”
“It means he loves you. And he had some valid concerns...about me.”
Harper nodded.
He tugged on her hand and led them along the rocky beach.
“So? What did he say?”
Sterling gave her the rundown, mostly information she would have expected from her overbearing, overprotective bear of a big brother. But rather than be upset, she was again reminded of how much Jasper loved her.
And how much he knew.
Even when he didn’t ask her about it all the time, he knew.
The fear.
The insecurity.
The demons of her past that haunted her.
And he was just making sure that she moved forward, rather than backward.
She couldn’t be upset at him for doing that.
But it was a little out of character. She wondered what exactly had initiated it?
“Why do you think he even brought it up?” Harper asked as she kicked a few rocks into the shallow river.
Sterling shrugged; she could feel the movement through their connected hands. “I was with you, and honestly, I had no reason to be unless it was because I had a good reason. As a guy, he saw right through that.”
Harper glanced at him, giving a knowing grin. “So, you’re saying you’ve had the hots for me for a while.”
“Let’s just say that it’s been a constant struggle from the beginning,” Sterling replied unabashedly. “Is that such a bad thing?”
“Nope. That’s exactly how I’d prefer it.” She swung their hands, then a thought filtered through her mind. “But what about Kessed? I mean, at first it was a real thing for you, the struggle.” Doubt crept through her mind. If Sterling had been attracted to her from the beginning, how did that add up with Kessed? It didn’t.
“Hold on.” Sterling stopped walking and turned to face Harper. “I can see where you’re going, and I need you to backtrack.”
Harper nodded but kept her reservations as she waited for him to explain.
“It was authentic, the feelings I had for Kessed and the issue I had with the rejection. But it was also real, how I was fighting the attraction I had for you. One doesn’t negate the other. And I hate how it sounds like I’m a damn player, but it’s like this. While I was letting go of what happened with her, I was trying to fight my interest in you. Totally lost that battle, by the way.” He bumped her shoulder playfully.
“Why fight it?” Harper asked, her reservations slowly slipping away.
“Because I’m messed up. I’m not whole yet. I don’t know if I’m just being a selfish bastard, or if I’m just more stubborn than a mule, but I’m going to try and be what you need. And hope that I’m enough. That whatever it is that I am...” He released her hand and shrugged, his expression full of vulnerability. “...that it’s enough.”
Harper took a step toward him and cupped his cheek in her hand. “We’re all a little broken...some more than others.” She glanced down at her boots. “But sometimes that’s okay. I need to believe that it’s okay.” She took a deep breath.
“Broken, but not beyond repair.” Sterling wrapped his arms around her, pulling her in, hugging her in his strong embrace.
Closing her eyes, she melted into the secure feeling of being held. It had been so long, she’d almost forgotten what it felt like to have that safe, wanted, and cherished sensation saturate deep into the soul. It melted away the last of her reservations.
She knew that the battle wasn’t over.
It wasn’t won.
But maybe, just maybe, she’d won round one.
And that was enough for today.