Given to Fly (Pearl Jam)
October after Eve
“So, when are you going to be back, Lil?” Panic was thick in Adam’s voice and Lily’s heart lurched. He had been back at work for four weeks now, and she’d been assigned a story in the United States. It was a great opportunity and she couldn’t pass it up. She’d been asked to go out and report a piece on the differences between US and UK education. Okay, so she wasn’t going to be signed up as an anchor on some flashy US news show, but at least she would get to meet people. It would be good for her to network. Adam didn’t seem to get it though.
She squeezed his arm. “I should be back in a month so don’t worry. Anyway, you’re doing fine. Have a little faith, Adders.” She had left it until the day before she flew before calling around to tell him the news. He’d had enough on his plate, reacquainting himself with the normalities and routines of school life.
He slumped down onto his old sofa and huffed out a held breath. “A month… Lil…what will I do?”
She sat down beside him. “Adders, sweetie, I’m not your only friend. You have family, too. And Max is down the road. It’s a month. That’s all. And I have to go for my career.”
He rubbed his hands over his face and loosened his tie. “Yeah…I know you do… It’s just…well no one really gets me like you do. You know how to deal with all this grief shit.”
“Grief is shit, Adders, it really is, but I’m not a crutch. You need to learn to depend on yourself again. I know that sounds harsh but it’s true.”
A pained expression washed over his face and he winced at her words. “Is that what you think I’m doing? Using you as a crutch?”
She nodded. “I know you don’t mean to, but I’ve been here almost every day for the past month, and when I haven’t been here, I’ve been talking to you on the phone. I have to get back to my own life at some point.” She spoke as gently as she could, but knew her words stung.
He pursed his lips and glanced sideways at her. “You’re right. I’m a big boy. So I’ve lost the love of my life…so what…so I’m all alone…so what…so—”
“Adam, shut up,” she snapped. “Stop with the woe is me crap, will you please? I’ve been here for you throughout this. You know that. I’ve helped in every conceivable way. But at some point you have to start helping yourself. Stand up on your own two, huge bloody feet. Please?” She stroked his cheek. He flinched and pulled away.
She stood. “Right, well I’d better go. I have to be at the airport early and I need some sleep.”
Adam stood to face her. “Stay here.” He held onto her arms.
She had longed for those words to fall from his lips for so long. But the meaning behind them now wasn’t the one she’d hoped for. He was being selfish trying to cling onto her for as long as possible. Not because he loved her any differently than before. But because in some crazy part of his head he thought he needed her. He thought he couldn’t function without her and she’d enabled that. Yup, she was definitely a crutch. But she wouldn’t have it anymore.
“Adam, I’m not going to do that. My stuff is all packed and ready at home. My bed is at home. I’m going home.”
Adam slumped down again. “Fine.” He folded his arms like a sulky teenager once again.
She couldn’t help but snigger at his demeanour. “You’ve been taking too many lessons from those kids at school. I could balance my mug on that bottom lip.”
He looked up at her again as he bit his lip, trying to stifle a grin.
He clearly wanted to stay angry. “Fuck off.” He chuckled.
A smile spread across her face. “You fuck off.”
He stood up once more. “No, you. Now give me a hug and then fuck off to America.” He grabbed her arm and pulled her in.
She wrapped her arms around his middle and hugged him hard. “I’ll be back before you know it.”
She felt him shrug. “Don’t care.”
“Liar,” she mumbled into his chest.
“Cheesy head.”
She sniggered again. “Pee pants.”
He stepped back and gave her a playful shove. “Right, you can really fuck off now.”
She burst out laughing and made her way to the front door. “You’ll be fine, you know.”
♥♥♥
The flight was a long one. Lily arrived at a chilly New York City airport and climbed into a yellow cab. She gave the driver the address of her hotel and slumped into the seat.
“Business or pleasure?” the rotund driver asked over his shoulder.
She snapped out of her semi-conscious state. “Sorry?”
“Are you here on business or pleasure, ma’am?”
“Oh right, sorry. It’s been a long day. Business.”
“Huh. What line are you in?”
She didn’t feel like talking but didn’t want to appear rude. “I’m a journalist. I report for a pretty major news station in the UK.”
The man chuckled. “Well, lar-dee-dar. Ain’t I the lucky guy today, huh? What brings you to New York?”
“I’m doing a piece on the education system in the States.”
He made a dismissive noise. “Ha…well, alls I can tell you is my boy, Deano, he’s a bright kid, but they don’t do squat to encourage him at school.”
She rubbed her eyes. All she wanted to do was get to the hotel, relax and doze. The cab journey was going to take an hour, and she would rather have silence than make small talk with some guy she’d never met before and who she was never likely to meet again.
“Is that so?”
He nodded fervently. “Yeah, yeah. He could be a doctor or a…what do you call it…news reporter like you. He could even sell real estate if he put his mind to it.”
She stifled a giggle at his career prioritising. “Well he sounds very bright indeed.”
“Yeah, the brightest. Anyways, you tell ‘em over in the UK that my boy needs more help.”
She cringed. “It’s not really my place—”
“Yeah, I mean so he took a knife to school one time. One damn time! It’s like they hold it against the kid. I mean, whaddya gonna do?”
“I really don’t—”
“Yeah well, me and the missus, we told ‘em, you gotta give the kid a chance here. He ain’t gonna use the damn thing. It’s just…you know…protection.” He shrugged as if his son carrying a knife was the most normal act in the world.
She gave up trying to interrupt the monologue that ensued from the front seat. She switched off and added a nod every so often. The man could really talk! They pulled up outside a beautiful old building.
“Anyways lady, you need anything, you call Pauly, okay? I can pick you up and take you wherever you need to go. It was real nice talking to you.”
She climbed out and handed him a wad of notes. He fumbled through them and tried to hand her change back. “No you keep it, Pauly.”
“Awww, lady you’re too kind, too kind. Thank you. You have a good stay in the Big Apple now.”
“I will certainly try, Pauly. Thanks again. Good luck with Deano.”
The yellow cab pulled away and as it did so the driver waved at her. The concierge opened the door and doffed his rather spiffy top hat as Lily nodded and smiled. Immediately a bellhop came over and took her bags, loading them onto a trolley. She checked in at the reception desk and made her way to her suite.
Once her bags had been deposited, she removed her coat and shoes and flopped onto the bed. She fumbled in her handbag and pulled out her mobile. When she turned the phone on, just as she expected, there were several messages from Adam.
A: I miss you already, Lil. Can you come home please?
A: Hi Lil, it’s me again, sorry about my last message, I know you can’t come home yet but I’m bored and sad.
A: Me again, what time do you land? You’re not answering me and I’m worried.
A: Hi again, please can you reply when you get this message? My mum is trying to get me to go stay over the half term break and I don’t want to. I need help with a good excuse.
A: Too late she has convinced me to go stay. My mum that is. She wants to feed me coz she says I’m getting too thin!
A: Lil, where the fuck are you? You should be there by now! TEXT ME!!
She threw her phone across the bed where it landed and bounced onto the floor. Oh shit. She scrambled to the end of the bed, expecting the phone to be in pieces. Thankfully it wasn’t. She glanced at the clock on the nightstand. It was eleven at night. Guilt washed over her, and with a groan she picked up the phone and dialled Adam’s number.
He answered after one ring. “Lily? Are you okay? I’ve been worried sick.”
“Adam, I’m fine. You have to stop worrying. The flight was delayed that’s all. Then I got in a cab with a sweet old guy who wouldn’t stop talking, and I’ve just collapsed onto my bed and found half a dozen messages from you.”
“Ah…yeah…sorry about that. I don’t like it when you don’t answer.” Silence took over the line for several moments. “I worry, Lily. I don’t know what I would do if anything happened—”
“I’m fine. Please stop worrying okay? I’m shattered and need to sleep. I have an early start in the morning.”
She heard a huff. “Okay…sorry…I just worry.”
Rubbing her eyes, she nodded as if he could see. “I know. It’s fine. I’ll talk to you later in the week okay?”
“Okay…night, Lil.”
“Night, Adam.”
“Lil?”
She sighed. “What now?”
“You keep calling me Adam. You only do that when you’re pissed off.”
She rolled her eyes. “Sorry. I’m not pissed off. Just tired.”
“Okay, night.”
“Night.” She hung up before the ridiculous conversation could carry on.