Lonely Pup in a Christmas Shop (Adam Faith)
December
“I’ve got it!” Lily exclaimed as she and Adam sat in their favourite coffee shop.
Adam pretended to get up. “Oh shit…is it contagious because if it is I’m fucking out of here.”
She pursed her lips and slapped his arm. “Oooh, aren’t we the funny one?”
“Ouch! Oy! Okay, what have you got exactly?” He was filled with trepidation. And there was no wonder considering the last great idea that Lily had saw him registered, unbeknownst to him until later, with a dating website.
“Instead of a woman…you need…a pet!” she announced with a dramatic flourish of her arms.
Adam laughed. “Are you fucking having a giraffe?”
“No…but you could! Well, not an actual giraffe obviously. Maybe something a bit smaller? A cat perhaps?”
He shook his head in disgust. “A cat? Seriously, Lil? I think you’ve had a temporary lapse in sanity. I’m allergic, remember?”
She scrunched her face. “Oh yeah, why do I keep forgetting that?”
He leaned towards her. “Erm…it’s obvious… Did you hear what I said about the temporary lapse in sanity?” He leaned back again. “Although I’m beginning to think it’s not so temporary,” he mumbled.
She narrowed her eyes and pointed at him. “You think you’re funny, Adders, but me and the rest of the world, we know differently.” She gestured around them.
“Gee thanks… Anyway, I couldn’t have a cat even if I wasn’t allergic.”
She cocked her head to one side. “Oh yeah? Why’s that?”
His turn to roll his eyes. “Because I’m not a lonely old woman.”
She snorted. “Ha! You could’ve fooled me.”
“Fuck off.”
“Honestly, Adders, you’re sometimes more like an old woman than any old woman I know.”
He shook his head and sneered. “Yeah…well… You’re…you…oh fuck off.”
She began to laugh hysterically. “Brilliant come back, Adders, as always so very quick witted.” She guffawed slapping her leg dramatically.
He folded his arms and sulked as she wiped at her eyes. It was actually good to see her laugh, even if it was at his expense. Again.
He rubbed his chin. “Yeah, I can just see it now… Kids running past my house not daring to slow down in case weirdo-stinky-cat-man comes out and chases them. Great idea, Lil. Great.” He couldn’t help but laugh at the image.
“I can just imagine you in your dirty string vest surrounded by cats and smelling of wee.” She threw her head back and howled again.
He held up his hands. “Right…right…I think we’ve established that me getting a cat is a bad idea, Lil.”
She calmed herself down and dabbed at her eyes with a paper napkin. “Okay, so not a cat then. What about a dog?”
He thought for a few moments and raised his eyebrows. “Dogs are really good company.” He spoke his thoughts aloud.
“They are. They love unconditionally. So even though I know your jokes are shit, it wouldn’t matter to Rover. He would love you in spite of that fact.”
“Again, Lil, fuck off…and who calls their dog Rover?”
She continued, ignoring his question. “I could imagine you with a dog, Adders. Let’s face it. You’re a teacher so you only work part-time. It’d be perfect.”
His mouth dropped wide open. “Part-time? You are having a giraffe! Have you seen how many hours I put into marking…and planning…and…and…marking?”
“You already said marking.”
He folded his arms across his chest. “Yeah well, I put a hell of a lot of hours in, thank you very much.” His tone was indignant even though he knew Lily was winding him up.
She laughed some more. “You’re sooo easy to wind up. It’s just like shooting fish in a barrel.”
“A fish! Now there’s a good pet,” he said matter-of-factly.
“A fish? Now who’s having a momentary lapse in sanity?”
“Yes but a fish doesn’t need walking or feeding expensive food or—”
“Or loving or cuddling. Fish are shit pets and you know it. A fish is a lazy-man’s pet. Fish have no feelings.”
“I beg to differ. My gran had a goldfish that used to know its name, and it used to come to the surface when it was feeding time.”
Lily shook her head and crossed her arms. “Adam, the fish was called Bob. Every fish thinks its name is Bob, you idiot. And you can’t train a fish.”
“But a dog is so tying. I mean, okay, so my mum would love to come around and look after a dog and walk it whilst I’m at work, seeing as Dad won’t have one at home, but…they’re tying.”
“And, pray tell, what would a dog be keeping you from exactly?”
He looked to the ceiling in the hope of finding the answers scrawled up there. Clearly he was losing this argument. In fact, he was actually considering this ridiculous idea.
“Stuff that I have loads going on…you know…in my life and shit.”
“Ahem…Adders, when you’re not…how did you put it? Oh yes, marking and planning and erm, marking a bit more and shit,” she mocked him in a fake deep voice. “You sit at home watching Monty Python, eating crisps, and annoying the hell out of me. You could do all of that with a dog. And more. You could go for nice long walks in the Cheviots. You could snuggle up on the sofa and cry into its fur when you watch Love Actually—”
“Hey, that film is sad! It’s got unrequited love and…and a guy who’s a widower like me…and…and that little kid who loves that little girl singer…it’s really sad, Lil.”
She reached across and patted his arm condescendingly. “Of course it is, Adders. Well, maybe the first three times you watch it. Then even you should know what to expect after that.”
He sat in quiet contemplation for a few minutes. “So I should get a dog then?”
“I think so. We could go and look at the weekend! They have to come and check your house over to make sure it’s big enough, and you have to show that you’re a responsible adult…” She pursed her lips. “Maybe I should be there when they come around…you know, so that there is a responsible adult there.”
“Ha ha…very droll.”
♥♥♥
Following Lily’s crazy, hair-brained suggestion and Adam’s subsequent acquiescence, a team from Animal Welfare came out to assess Adam’s home and living situation. After proving that a dog wouldn’t be left unattended for long periods of time and that he could take care of a pet, Adam received approval. He wasn’t sure who was the most excited about this situation, Lily or himself.
The day of reckoning arrived. Adam picked Lily up and they made their way to the kennels to choose a furry friend. She was acting like a teenager and he couldn’t help but smile.
“Oooh, I wonder who’ll pick you, Adders!” she said as she bounced up and down in the passenger seat.
He scrunched his face and eyed her cautiously as if she was some kind of escaped lunatic. “Erm…hang on… I’m picking it…not the other way around.”
She snorted. “Good grief, it’s obvious you’ve never owned a dog in your life.”
He chuckled and shook his head as he glanced over again at his hyperactive friend. “What are you on about, Lil?”
“Just wait and all will become clear, Adders.”
♥♥♥
They arrived to a cacophony of barks and yelps as the rescue home manager showed them through to where the animals were cared for. The greetings from the friendly canines became louder as they began to walk down the aisles.
A lump lodged in Adam’s throat as he looked at the dogs, all of which needed good, caring homes. “Oh God, Lil, how do I choose? I’m going to feel like such a shit not taking them all.” He ran a hand through his hair.
She squeezed his arm. “Don’t worry…you’ll know. Trust me.”
As they passed by each kennel, dogs lurched up vying for their attention, tails wagging frantically, each trying to bark the loudest. Suddenly, Adam stopped and stared down at a scrawny looking black dog with a big head. The dog sat there, tail swishing along the floor, head cocked to one side. He was what was known as a Heinz 57. Basically, no one knew what breed he was supposed to be. His ears were pricked up and his big brown eyes gazed up at Adam. He had a white patch of fur on his chest and was almost smiling, if that were possible for a dog.
Adam was besotted. He couldn’t tear his eyes away.
The manager came to stop beside Adam. “Ahhh, this is Monty. He hasn’t been with us long. His owner moved away to work on the oil rigs, and he couldn’t find anyone else to take care of him. He was heartbroken, poor guy. Monty’s been fretting a little and so he’s lost weight. We think he’s a Labrador-Staffy cross breed, but it’s hard to tell really.”
Adam nodded, swallowing past the lump in his throat, his eyes glassy. Lily squeezed his arm again, making him turn toward her. “Why don’t you take him out and say hello properly, Adders?”
He turned to the manager and gestured toward the dog. “Could I…”
“Sure. Go through the doors at the end and wait for me. I’ll bring him through.”
Walking through the door the manager pointed to, Adam and Lily found themselves in an enclosed grassed area.
Adam looked down at Lily. “I think you were right. The way he just looked at me as if he knew. He was so…sure of himself sitting there. He didn’t bark like the others. I…I think he picked me.” Adam said biting back the emotion that had sprung from nowhere.
♥♥♥
Lily bit her lip, seeing the effect the black mongrel had on him. “I’d say I told you so, but I’m not like that.” She winked.
Suddenly, the rescue centre manager brought the black dog through the door on an extender lead. Adam crouched down and the dog lurched forward to him, knocking him onto his back. The dog proceeded to bathe Adam in saliva as it greeted him like a long lost friend. Lily stood by and laughed hysterically as the adoring animal mauled him.
“Erm, I think we can safely say that he likes you, Mr. Langton.” The rescue home manager laughed.
“And, Adders, he’s called Monty! How cool is that? You being a humongous Monty Python fan and all. Quite apt, don’t you think?”
He somehow managed to get the giddy dog to calm down and roll on his back for a belly rub with his tongue hanging out—the dog that is, not Adam. Lily looked on with a smile on her face, which was mirrored in the one that beamed on her best friend’s face. It was a beautiful sight, Adam smiling. It took her breath away. This was far better than playing matchmaker to him and another woman. This was safer. Lily’s heart could share Adam with a dog. She could most certainly cope with this match.
Monty accompanied Adam to his new home. He was supposed to make the journey in the back of the car but after only five minutes of the journey had made his way onto Lily’s lap and proceeded to wag his tail in her face or lick her from chin to forehead. Adam laughed, as Lily struggled to keep the dog off of his lap whilst he drove.