Finn: Can we meet tomorrow? You can name the time and place...
India: Okay. 3p.m. Maggie’s Diner. It’s a little place in Waltham.
Finn: I’ll be there.
* * *
I STARED AT the text from Finn for the millionth time. We’d swapped numbers at lunch one day when Gabe had insisted I get everyone’s cell number. It was really just an excuse for Gabe to get my number so he could send me silly Snapchats throughout the day. Although, recently, I was happy to note that he wasn’t sending me nearly so many, seeming focused on Charlotte these days.
This was my first text from Finn.
After I left him and Eloise, I had gone back into the party. Gabe had Charlotte cornered in the nook by the back stairwell, his hands braced on the wall above her head. They had seemed to be in deep discussion and not even aware of anyone else.
Bryce and Joshua had stopped me, though, asking curiously where Elle and Finn had gone. I made this “ugh” face and told them I’d accidentally walked in on them in the pool house together when I was looking for somewhere to get a breather.
Bryce had clapped her hands together like it was the juiciest thing she’d heard and I felt a moment of relief that Eloise’s secret was safer than ever.
When Finn did appear again at the party it was alone, and he told everyone that he’d put Eloise to bed because she’d had too much to drink.
“Oh, sure,” Bryce had teased, “after you two had fun in the pool house.”
Finn had shot me a questioning look.
“What?” I’d shrugged with an air of casualness I didn’t feel. “I just told them I found you two going at it out there. If you’d wanted it to be a secret I assume you wouldn’t have chosen a semipublic place.”
Grateful appreciation had lit his eyes and he’d smirked. “Not your business.”
I’d rolled my eyes, keeping up the pretense. “Lock the door next time.”
An hour or so later the party began to disperse. Finn left with the others before we could get a chance to grab a private moment together. When I finally dropped down on my bed, though, I found the text from him.
Now my alarm clock only read 5:43 a.m.
I hadn’t been able to sleep a wink thinking about Eloise. Thinking about Finn. My head hurt from all the thoughts crashing into one another up there. My stomach felt that queasy, empty way it did when I’d had little sleep, and that feeling was only compounded by my nerves.
I wanted to see Finn. I wanted to know what this all meant.
But more than that I really wanted to talk to Eloise. This was too big to just leave it hanging. We may not be close but that didn’t mean I wasn’t worried about her. I needed to know for certain she trusted I’d keep her secret. I didn’t want her agonizing over the concern that I might out her.
A sound in the distance drew me up from my pillow. It sounded like a door closing. Throwing myself out of bed I hurried over to my French doors and pulled the curtains aside.
My stomach fluttered with those aforementioned nerves at the sight of Eloise strolling by the pool. She had on jeans and a Tobias Rochester hoodie. A very casual look for her. I watched her as she disappeared into the tennis court.
I glanced back at the clock. Obviously she was finding it hard to sleep, too.
Well...if we were both up...
I dashed into my walk-in and grabbed the nearest pair of jeans and sweater I could find. After brushing my teeth, I threw on a pair of sneakers and hurried out of the house into the chill morning air.
I found Eloise sitting crossed-legged in the middle of the court. She startled at the sound of footsteps and her head whipped around.
Her pale skin looked stark in contrast to her deep auburn hair and she had dark circles under her eyes. It was the least put together I’d ever seen her and it was no wonder. I’d bet she was suffering a mad case of hangover blues.
Oh and of course there was the small matter that someone she barely knew had found out her deepest secret.
“What are you doing here?” she said wearily.
“I couldn’t sleep.” I sat down next to her, my legs stretched out, ankles crossed, my hands braced behind me. I hoped by appearing casual I could ease some of the tension between us. “Saw you come out here.”
“I came out here to be alone.”
“Okay. But I’m here now. You could talk to me.”
Eloise scowled at me. “What do you want from me? To hold this over my head as blackmail?”
I flinched at the suggestion. “Maybe you’ve been living in your world for too long.”
“Or maybe I just understand people and their motivations. I’m not stupid, India. I know all you want is to be popular and accepted. I know ambition when I see it, which is why you are the last person I’d ever want to find out about this.” Her lower lip trembled and she bit it to stop it.
“You’re right,” I said. “I want to be popular and accepted. I was the most popular girl in junior year back in California. I liked it. Life was better when I was popular.”
She narrowed her eyes on me. “Life was better? What does that mean? Has it got something to do with why you don’t call Hayley ‘Mom’?”
I let go of a long, shaky exhale. “You’re not the only one with secrets. I went through something a few years ago. My dad...he wasn’t a good man. Let’s just leave it at that.”
“Oh.” Some of her defensiveness melted into uncertainty. “I’m sorry.”
“It happens, right?” I shrugged it off with more nonchalance than I ever felt about it. “It made me stronger, though. It made me determined.”
“To be popular?” Eloise studied me carefully. “Because you think no one can hurt you when you’re at the top. You’re in control there. You’ve got power. You have people to notice if something were to happen to you.”
I flushed, embarrassed. Because she was partly right. “Yeah, that’s why.”
She kept staring at me, as if now that she’d uncovered some truth from me she was looking for more.
“I would never trample over someone else to be popular again. I am many things but malicious is not one of them,” I said.
We were quiet awhile until I felt brave enough to ask, “Why are you afraid to tell people the truth?”
Her hazel eyes seared into mine at my question, and I was sure she wasn’t going to answer. Instead she glanced around us and then stood up slowly. “Not here.”
“Pool house?” Relief that she was willing to talk to me moved through me.
She nodded, and I stood up to follow her. The pool house was still unlocked, so we slipped inside. I turned on a few lights and wandered into the kitchen. “Tea? Coffee?”
“There should be some green tea in there.”
I busied myself making us tea, glancing over my shoulder now and then to make sure she was still sitting on the couch. She sat staring at her hands.
“I wish I could say something that would reassure you that you can trust me.” I handed her a tea and sat down on the chair across from her.
Her hands hugged the mug I’d given her.
I waited.
And waited.
Finally Eloise looked over at me, fresh tears in her eyes. “Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy.”
I hoped she read my compassion as that and not as pity.
She seemed to because she continued. “I didn’t know what I was going to do today. Ignore you. Talk to you. Hate you.” She offered an apologetic smile. “But I guess I’m just so tired of pretending.”
“I know you probably don’t believe me, but I understand that part more than you know.”
“No, I believe you, India. I always saw something in you... I was just reading it wrong. Now I know.” She shrugged. “You’re damaged, too.”
I winced. “That’s not a great word.”
“But it’s true.”
“Why are you damaged, Eloise? Why do you need to be? Why are you afraid to tell people the truth?”
“You know I was thirteen when I lost my mother?”
“Yeah.”
“That damages you, India. Losing someone you love that much. Their loss leaves behind a wreckage. And my mom and I were close. I knew I was lucky. My parents really loved one another. I never thought Daddy would get over losing her.” She relaxed back into her seat, staring off into space as she remembered. “For me it was different. I remember the pain of losing her and what it was like to suddenly realize that everything was temporary. The older I get, the more cheated I feel. Other kids my age...they didn’t know what it was like to grieve. To feel pain like that. To look around at people your own age and not understand them because what they think is important seems so trivial and stupid in comparison to what I know is important.
“There was Finn, though. Finn got it. Daddy got it. He’s my best friend, do you know that? My father is my best friend and my hero and my whole world.” Her tears sprang free and she swiped at them hastily. “If I lost him, I don’t know if I’d come back from that. And if I lost him because I’d rather fall in love with Angelina than Brad, I’d never forgive myself. Not for making that choice.”
“Is it a choice, Eloise?” I leaned forward, wanting to understand. “You can’t help who you’re attracted to.”
Her lips curled in bitterness. “No, you can’t. Believe me, I wish I could. I wish I really wanted Finn.”
I contemplated my mug, trying to gather the courage to ask. “How did...how did you know you were gay? When?”
“I was almost fifteen. I’d known something was different for a while. I never had crushes on boys and as we got older and my friends started dating I didn’t want to. I tried to tell myself it was a maturity thing, that I just wasn’t there yet. I kissed boys at parties but I didn’t feel anything but uncomfortable, even repelled sometimes. One day Bryce was talking about a boy in our class. She was talking about how cute she thought he was and how she got butterflies every time he smiled at her.
“And that’s when I realized I did feel that way—” more tears dripped down her cheeks “—but I felt that way about my French tutor.”
“A girl,” I whispered, my chest aching for her.
She nodded. “Audrey. She was French. Eighteen. A freshman at Boston University. And little fourteen-year-old me got butterflies when she smiled at me and my skin tingled whenever she touched me. I was aware of every little movement she made. I overanalyzed every little thing she said to me. And I cried the whole night when her boyfriend came to pick her up from tutoring me. I eventually told Daddy I didn’t need her anymore so I didn’t have to deal with my feelings. But it was like all my feelings were now unlocked. Soon after I developed a crush on Katherine Kelter.”
My jaw dropped.
Eloise gave a huff of angry laughter. “I know. I’m full of surprises. But I’ve pretty much been mooning over her since ninth grade. And she’ll never look at me twice. I’ll never be able to go up to her and ask her out, or hold her hand or kiss her. How is that fair? Why do I have to hide who I want to be with?” Resentment flared in her eyes.
Until now Eloise had seemed so controlled—sad but controlled. But I saw more. I saw her fury at having to hide from the world. And now I also understood her reaction every time Bryce mentioned Katherine flirting with Finn. The jealousy in Eloise’s eyes wasn’t for Finn...it was for Katherine.
“You’re not going to freak out, are you?” she snapped, her defenses up again. “Aren’t you scared I’m attracted to you?”
I didn’t know if she was testing me but I knew how I answered this was important in how we moved forward. So I raised an eyebrow and said, “I’m straight, does that mean I’m attracted to every guy in the world?”
“Of course not. But that doesn’t answer my question. Are you freaking out that I might be attracted to you?”
“Are you attracted to me?” I said in a way that hopefully communicated I wasn’t finding this conversation alarming.
She sniffed, wiping away the last of her tears. “You’re gorgeous, but I put you in the ‘familial’ box before you even got here.”
I thought about what Finn had said about Eloise’s fears and how her mom had something to do with it. “So your mom never knew any of this? You realized after she’d passed away?”
Pain tightened Eloise’s features. “Yes. But I know she wouldn’t have accepted this about me.”
Somehow I couldn’t imagine anyone who loved their kid as much as I could guess Eloise’s mom loved her wouldn’t support her. “How can you possibly know that for sure? Because she was a conservative pro-traditional family person like your dad? That doesn’t mean that she wouldn’t come around if she’d known this about you, and loved and accepted you for who you are.”
“Have you ever had memories from your childhood, stuff that confused you at the time, but when you remember them as you get older you start to realize a truth you were too young then to understand?”
“What do you mean?”
“When I about six, seven years old...” Eloise’s gaze drifted over my shoulder as she seemed to search back into past memories. “My uncle Beau came over to the house while my dad was at work. There wasn’t anything unusual in that. Beau was my mom’s little brother. We weren’t super close because he traveled a lot but he and my mom seemed close. But that day she didn’t want him in the house. I didn’t understand what they were yelling about or why they were both crying, and I didn’t really understand why Beau left that day and I never saw him again.
“But during the weeks when I realized I had feelings for Audrey I started to remember that day. It was just weird. And I never got an explanation from either of my parents about it. However, I remembered something my mom said to him. She said that she could never support his lifestyle. I didn’t understand what it meant then but that word, ‘lifestyle’... I started to think maybe Beau was gay.”
A heavy feeling settled in my gut for Eloise. “You don’t know that for sure though, right?”
“No. But it would make sense, right? And if my mom could cut out her own brother for being gay then she might have felt that way about me, too. Ashamed.”
“You’re taking a guess here. You’re afraid of something you don’t even know is real. Not supporting Beau’s lifestyle could mean anything. He might have been a criminal or a drug addict or something. It doesn’t mean he was gay. And even it if did, their argument was a decade ago, and a lot can change a person’s mind in a decade. Say you’re right—and we don’t know you are—and ten years ago your mom did stop talking to her brother because he was gay, that doesn’t mean she wouldn’t have eventually changed her mind, or that she would have reacted the same way to her own daughter. People can react differently to something when it affects someone they desperately want to protect. And I can only guess that your mom would have wanted to protect you from any kind of pain.”
“We don’t know that though,” she argued. “And we’ll never know because she’s gone. I’m terrified of losing my father, too. I won’t do anything that might cause me to lose him.”
“And so no one else but Finn knows?”
“No one. And that’s the way it stays.”
“Elle, I’ve seen how your dad is with you. He would support you. You have to know that. He loves you.”
“No.” I saw the panic take over her anger. “You don’t know him. He’s backed a campaign against same-sex marriage. He’s openly voiced his opinion on what he considers the traditional and ‘right’ American family, and that is a straight couple. I can’t risk it. This would change the way he sees me.”
“Or how everyone at school sees you?”
“Exactly. You have to get that, India. You need the popularity because it makes you feel safe—well, I feel the same way. I’ve never known anything but being Eloise Fairweather. I’m privileged and popular and people respect me. You know what kids are like when they come across someone who is seen as ‘different.’ Eloise Fairweather, blue blood, straight-A student and girlfriend to school legacy Finn Rochester...she’s respected, envied and admired.
“Eloise Fairweather, gay girl...she’d be annihilated.”
“No, you wouldn’t. Back at my school in California I knew kids who were openly gay and no one tortured them for it. They just accepted them for who they are.”
“This isn’t California. This isn’t even Boston. This is Tobias Rochester.”
I still had a hard time believing she wouldn’t be accepted at school. “There are openly gay kids at Tobias Rochester. The guy you’re in Our Town with is gay. Gregg something...”
“Gregg Waters.”
“So, I don’t see kids following around Gregg, making his life hell because he’s gay.”
“Not Gregg, no. But last year a senior, Josie Farquhar, came out to her family and friends. Within hours it was all over social media. The next day at school it started—crass jokes, mean girls. They would scream if she passed them in the hall, lunging out of her way in fits of giggles, crying out how she’d tried to touch their boobs. They campaigned to the school to have her banned from the girls’ locker room because they said they felt uncomfortable and sexualized by her. Every day they taunted her and they did their best to make her feel ‘other.’ She left. Her parents took her out of Tobias Rochester and out of the state to finish her senior year.”
“That was one example and it was a bunch of mean girls who probably would have found something to bully the girl for, anyway. No one would do that to you. You’re Eloise Fairweather.”
“But I’ve lied. I’ve fooled them into believing I’m something I’m not. And they would come after me for that. Let’s not pretend that there aren’t people out there who enjoy watching someone’s downfall. I can’t go through that. I only have to look no further than my friends for a bad reaction—Bryce would not take the news well.”
“Speaking of, why are you friends with her?” Bryce was...well, there was no nice way to put it: Bryce could be a bitch.
“Because we’ve been friends since we were little kids. Sometimes she can be sweet.”
I made a face of disbelief.
Eloise laughed. “I promise. She hasn’t been the sweetest to you but that’s partly my fault.”
“How so?”
“I made it clear before your arrival that I wasn’t looking forward to having you here.” She sat forward, placing her now empty mug on the coffee table. “You have to understand it wasn’t personal. When I first met Hayley I was concerned, naturally, because my father, although he had dated, had never been serious about someone. I worried that she was a gold digger. But if she is one, then she’s a very good actress.”
“Hayley likes society life,” I said. “I won’t say that she doesn’t. But she loves Theo. She’s dated some idiots in the past but she was never serious about them. Theo makes her feel safe. You of all people should get that.”
“I do. And that’s the impression I got when I met her so I decided to give my support but continue to look out for my father’s best interests. Keep my eye on things. You...you were a problem.”
“How?”
“It’s easy hiding a huge secret like this from my dad, because as close as we are, I’m a teenage girl and he gives me my privacy. But having another teenage girl in the house and hanging around my friends, I started to freak out that somehow you’d find out I was gay.” She grunted. “Apparently not such an irrational fear, after all.”
Suddenly everything started to make sense. “So that’s why you were cold to me?”
“The only reason I even invited you to sit with my friends is because Daddy had Headmaster Vanderbilt spying on us, and he ratted me out.” She narrowed her eyes on me. “I could tell you didn’t trust any of us. Now I think it’s got something to do with your dad.”
“Yeah,” I admitted.
“You should know my father is a really good man.”
“Except for the whole intolerance to gay people.”
She flinched. “It’s not like he wants to burn gay people at the stake. He...just doesn’t understand it. That means he’s flawed, not that he’s not a good guy. Okay. You are safe here.”
I was grateful for her reassurances considering the emotional mess she currently was in over her own problems. “So are you. Listen to what you just said. You should consider telling your dad. It doesn’t mean anyone else has to know.”
“No.” She stood up abruptly, anger filling her eyes. “And you have to promise you’re not going to say anything to him.”
“I promise.” I held up my hands. After all, Eloise knew her father better than I did. “I promise. I will never speak of this to anyone. It’s not my secret to tell.”
Her shoulders relaxed, and she slowly lowered herself back onto the sofa.
We were silent for a while until she said, her voice so low I had to strain to hear her, “Have you ever been terrified of who you are?”
Fire burned in my chest as our eyes met across the room. I thought about how hard I found it to trust anyone, unable to let them truly in. “Yes. I’m scared who I am means I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life.”
Her mouth trembled with emotion. “Me, too.”
Something eased inside of me at having admitted that, and at having her understand. “Do you think it’s supposed to be this complicated?”
“I don’t know.” Eloise sighed heavily. “Every day is hard and confusing and complex, and more times than I’d like I feel sad and furious at everything and everyone. But I do get up and I get through every day because I remind myself that I have things that other people don’t, and I have love in my life, but most importantly I have hope, India. I have hope that someday, once I’m out of high school, things will change for me. That I’ll be stronger and that this horrible fear I have of losing my dad over this will go away somehow, and I can be me. Really be me. That’s what gets me through high school.”
As her words percolated, I felt my admiration for her begin to grow. More than that, I felt like she was holding up a mirror in front of me, and I didn’t like everything I saw reflected back at me. “You’re stronger than you think. Jesus...”
“What?”
“I’ve spent the last five years holding people at a distance, especially my friends, because I thought I knew something they didn’t. I was hurting so much that I couldn’t see how anybody else could hurt more... I’ve been kind of a selfish, distant asshole.”
“You’re not alone in that.”
“But that’s the point. You and Finn...you have all this money and privilege and power...but it didn’t save you from pain. I guess I thought you were narrow-minded overprivileged snobs who didn’t know the first thing about life—turns out I’m the narrow-minded one.”
“No, you’re not,” she assured me. “If you were narrow-minded, you would have failed to be kind to me today.”
“There are different kinds of narrow-mindedness,” I argued.
Laughing, she held up her hands in surrender. “Okay, you were narrow-minded about us. But now you know the truth. Life is what you make it, no matter where you come from.”
“Life is what you make it,” I murmured. “Yeah. That’s kind of my motto.”
“And you want to rule the school,” she reminded me.
“I do.” But I wasn’t sure it was that important anymore. Still, it had been my focus for so long I was kind of scared to want anything else from life.
“I can help with that. You’re now officially only the second person in the whole world that really knows me. And I’m not currently talking to the other person since he outed me. So you’re it. That means we’re stuck with each other, O sister-to-be, and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. You guard my secret, I’ll take you to the top.”
“I’ll guard your secret without payment,” I said, a little annoyed by the “bribe.”
Eloise grinned. “And that, my friend, is why I’m happy to take you to the top.”
Relief warmed me. “So we’re definitely okay?”
“Yeah.” She cocked her head to the side, contemplating me. “About Finn, though...”
My stomach flipped at the mention of him. “Yeah?”
“He and I made a pact, and I’m sorry but I have to hold him to it. It’s just until college. However, Finn likes you, and as angry as I am at him right now...you’ve been cool so if you two want to see each other in secret then I guess I’m okay with that.”
The thought of being able to touch and kiss Finn, to hang out and listen to him and to talk to him, and just be with him, was definitely exciting. I wanted to get to know him better. But I wasn’t sure I could cope with a secret relationship, with being “the other woman.” I wasn’t sure how good a secret relationship would be for my self-esteem.
Eloise seemed to sense my reluctance. “I’ve never seen him so caught up in someone before. He really likes you,” she insisted.
I exhaled, long and slow. “I don’t know.”
She held up her hands. “Hey, your choice. I’m just letting you know I’ll be all right about it, as long as you both are supercareful about keeping it under wraps.”
“We’ll see. As for you and Finn...he loves you. I know you must feel betrayed by him telling me but I promise it just happened and he feels awful about it. Please forgive him.”
Eloise lowered her gaze. “I know all that’s true but it doesn’t change what he did or how much it hurts. I just need time.”
* * *
Those butterflies Eloise had mentioned raged to life as soon as I pulled into the parking lot at Maggie’s. I parked Eloise’s Jaguar next to Finn’s Aston Martin and gave up any hope that the cars wouldn’t draw attention to us. They were giant, expensive beacons. Alone they were bad enough. Together...well, I just knew as soon as I entered the diner the customers and staff were going to watch me with curiosity.
Hopefully we knew no one in Waltham.
I was right. I felt the burn of attention on me as I searched for Finn. I found him in a booth at the back. He must have requested it, because there were no other diners near it. He sat up a little straighter when he saw me.
Was his heart pounding as hard as mine?
To my surprise he got up before I could reach him and met me halfway.
He touched my waist and my whole body seemed to explode in tingles of awareness. “They stop looking after a while,” he muttered, his eyes flicking around at the room.
“You sure?” I was uneasy about talking to Finn privately when there were so many eyes on us.
“Yeah. Let’s sit.”
I nodded, my heart pounding no less hard as Finn’s hand moved from the curve of my waist to my lower back. He kept it there as he guided me toward the booth.
I was in my seat two seconds when a girl with dark blond hair dressed in the diner uniform appeared at the booth. “What can I get you?”
“I’ll just have a Diet Coke and some fries,” I said, not really caring what I ordered since it was doubtful I’d be able to eat anything.
“Same, but make mine a regular,” Finn said.
Once she was gone I looked at Finn, our eyes connecting. Just that made my skin hot. Our silence began to stretch, however, and I knew one of us was going to have to speak before the tension proved too much.
“I hung out with Eloise this morning,” I said.
His dark eyes lit up. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. Got her to trust me a little. Talk to me about it.”
“She told me she needed space, so I’ve been worrying about her all day.” He closed his eyes briefly. “It makes me selfish but I’m relieved—relieved that someone else knows. That you know. But I also feel like crap. Eloise has never been this mad at me before. Do you think she’ll forgive me?”
“Yes,” I said with certainty. “And forgive yourself, okay. It must have been hard for you both that you were the only person who knew.”
“Now you know, too,” he said. “I’m sorry for making you a part of the secret.”
“Don’t be. It means she’s got someone else looking out for her. She seems so scared.”
“Wouldn’t you be?”
“I don’t know.”
“This is Theodore Fairweather’s daughter we’re talking about, India. He’s not exactly about acceptance when it comes to the gay community.”
“That’s what Elle said.”
“Well, she’s right. Which makes me blurting it out...”
“Hey.” I touched his arm without even thinking about it. “Please stop beating yourself up about it. It’s done. And, Finn, I know you blurted it out but do you really think that would have happened with just anyone? You trust me. Right?”
“I do.” He stared at my hand on his arm before lifting his eyes to mine. Trust mixed with longing and affection and admiration and all these wonderful things were open in his expression for me to see.
I withdrew my hand, knowing I still wasn’t sure what we were to each other.
He sighed at my withdrawal.
“You’re worried about what Eloise will think, right? Once she, hopefully, stops being mad at me I’m going to talk to her.”
“Actually, she talked to me about us. She said as angry as she is at you, she would be okay with us as long as you kept pretending to date her and we saw each other in secret.”
Finn’s whole face lit up in relief and then he immediately frowned at what he saw in my eyes.
“Two sodas and two fries.” The waitress suddenly appeared and dropped our food on the table.
I waited until she’d left before answering Finn’s silent question. “I don’t know if I’m up for sneaking around behind everyone’s back.”
“Don’t think about it like that. I owe Elle more than ever now. We’d just be protecting her secret.”
“By making whatever is between us a secret.”
“I made a promise.” His tone was unapologetic, but his expression wasn’t. His soulful dark eyes seemed to plead with me. “I can’t back out of that promise.”
“I understand.” I stared at my fries, finding it difficult being around him without wanting to just throw up my hands and give in to the idea of us.
“What exactly about hiding us bothers you?”
“I don’t know,” I answered instantly. At his scowling silence, I insisted. “I don’t. I’m trying to work that out myself. I just know it makes me uneasy. It doesn’t feel right.”
“It’s not like I’d be cheating on Eloise.” He reached for my hand and goose bumps rose up on my arms at the slide of his callused skin against my soft palm. Because of rowing, he was a rich boy with working man’s hands.
I liked the contradiction of his hands. I liked the feel of them holding mine. I more than liked it.
“I know,” I said. “I know that. I just...” Reluctantly I began to pull my hand away but Finn, even more reluctant to let go, held fast. I stopped moving and looked him straight in the eye. “I can’t—”
“I can’t stop thinking about our kiss,” he cut me off.
My eyes grew round at the heat in his as he began to rub his thumb over the top of my hand. The heat he was feeling began to build in me.
“Finn,” I whispered, pleading now.
“I’ll tell you everything you want to know. About me and Elle. About other girls. Whatever you need. But you should know that our kiss blew my mind.”
“Other girls?” I frowned and then bit my lip, annoyed that that was the thing that had caught my attention in all he’d said.
His smirk was a little smug and arrogant. I pulled at my hand but he held on even tighter. “Jealous?”
“Don’t be a dipshit.”
He laughed. Hard. And my God, it was such a good look on him. He needed to laugh and smile more. Definitely.
You could be the one to help him do that.
Ahh! I shoved that thought quickly out of my head.
“Okay.” His chuckle trailed off. “I’ll try not to be a dipshit. As for other girls—Florida. Every summer I stay at my mother’s parents’ house. They’re not wealthy like my father but they retired there and have a good life. They’re not close to my father. They had fights with him about getting to see more of me. He finally gave in and allowed me to have a month every summer with them. It’s the best month of the year.”
“I’ll bet,” I muttered. “Do they know the truth?”
“No. There would be no point. It would only upset them and there’s nothing that people like them can do to win against a man like my father. According to him he has powerful men in his pocket. I’m not sure if it’s friendship or blackmail, I just know my father is connected, ruthless, powerful and he never loses. So I’m stuck.”
His dismal assessment of the situation only highlighted to me not only why Finn was so desperate to find small pieces of happiness, but also why he and I could never work in the long term. His father didn’t like me, and when it came time for Finn and me to go public, his father wouldn’t be happy. I didn’t like to think what he might do in an attempt to put a stop to me and Finn as a couple.
Finn seemed to sense that was where my mind was going because he decided to change the subject. “There were girls in Florida,” he admitted. “Nothing serious. Just girls to hang out with.”
I read between the lines. “Have sex with, you mean?”
Finn wrapped his hand around my wrist and leaned across the table. Not for the first time I saw and felt the passion inside of him. “It was just sex. An escape. You’re not that, India. You have to believe me. I would never have betrayed Elle for just some girl I wanted to sleep with.”
His fervor was exciting, a little intoxicating. I was all logic and plans and keeping myself safe, whereas Finn was emotion and risk and right now all about diving off a very big waterfall with me.
“Does Eloise know about the other girls?”
“What would be the point? They were temporary in a temporary situation. And Elle and I are pretending, remember. All we’ve ever done is a quick kiss on the lips in public.”
“Why are you telling me about the other girls?”
“I don’t know.” He sighed and glanced away for a moment, seeming to gather his thoughts. “I guess I want to tell you everything. I’ve spent the last few years of my life not telling people about my father or about Eloise. Over time I guess I just stopped telling them anything. It was hard, but it never bothered me until I met you. I want to tell you everything. I want you to tell me everything.”
Oh my God, why did he have to be such a romantic pain in my ass?
“I’m getting to you, aren’t I?” There was that smug smile again.
I rolled my eyes and managed to extricate my hand from his. I settled back in the booth, taking a little bit of distance from him. “You are so confusing.”
He frowned. “How?”
“You can be so...”
“So what?”
“Arrogant. And then so...”
“So what?”
“Not arrogant.”
His mouth twitched with laughter. “O-kay.”
“Do you think I’m a foregone conclusion?”
All amusement fled his features. “No, India. I don’t. I think you have more defenses than a citadel.”
Now I struggled to contain my smile. “Yeah?”
“Yes. And it’s annoying when I’m trying to get you to see how much I really want to try this with you. I want you any way I can get you.”
“Oh, really?” I teased.
He laughed, rethinking his word choice. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“So you don’t want me?”
At the sudden burning in his eyes I wished I had stopped while I was ahead. “Oh, I want you.”
I felt this strange but wonderful flutter low, low in my belly.
Oh boy.
“Say yes,” he pressed. “I really do want to know everything about you. I can only do that if you say yes.”
“Everything?” Fear mingled with excitement at the thought.
For so long it had just been me. That way I wasn’t vulnerable to anyone hurting me. I’d wanted friendship with Finn knowing I’d be giving some of myself over to him.
But Finn was asking me for more than friendship. He was asking for secrets. Longings. Dreams. Fears. Kisses. Touch. Maybe even sex.
Everything.
Was I ready for that?
When I took too long to give him the answer he wanted, Finn pulled out his wallet and threw some money on the table. I watched apprehensively, wondering if I’d blown it and so goddamn confused at myself, as he stood up.
He held out his hand for me but I didn’t know what that meant. It could have just been part of his breeding to not leave a girl sitting at a table alone even if she was driving him crazy.
I tentatively took his hand and he gently pulled me up.
He led me with long strides out of the diner and into the parking lot.
The blood was whooshing in my ears, my heart was pounding so hard.
As soon as we reached our cars Finn suddenly turned around and yanked me toward him. I slammed with a gasp up against his hard chest only to then find myself pressed up against my car.
His dark eyes were so hot they were almost black and his chest heaved hard against mine.
When I didn’t say anything or protest at being sandwiched between him and the car, he slowly lowered his head.
My breath stuttered and my eyes fluttered closed in anticipation.
At the soft, feathery brush of his lips against mine I curled my fingers into his shirt and clung tight. It wasn’t like the hard, desperate kiss of the night before but it was no less passionate. It was slow, tender and definitely meant to seduce me into Finn’s way of thinking.
And it was more than working.
Finn broke the kiss, his hot breath tickling my mouth as he whispered, “Say yes.”
I thought of Eloise today and how brave she had been to sit with me and let me in.
Be brave, India.
“Yes,” I whispered.
The beautiful and entirely far too sexy grin he gave me was worth the courage. “I almost don’t know what to do with you now.”
I chuckled and bowed my head, resting my forehead on his strong chest. “I guess we’ll just have to take it a day at a time.”
“Yeah.” His arms wrapped tighter around me and his chin came to a rest on my head.
We stood there just holding one another for a while and it was perfect.
Beautiful in a way I hadn’t experienced.
“We should probably learn some ninja spy skills,” he murmured.
Amusement made me shake against him. “Ninja spy skills?” I lifted my head to look up at him.
He was grinning at me like a little boy and it occurred to me that already I was getting to see a side of him I’d never seen before. “For all the sneaking around we’ll be doing.”
I cocked my head to the side. “And where would one learn said ninja spy skills?”
“From a ninja spy master, of course.”
I giggled. “Of course. And where will we find him?”
“Or her.”
“Or her.” I liked that he’d thought of that.
“Car wash?”
“A car wash?”
“An antiques store? Library? Security room in a supermarket?”
Leaning into him I felt this giddiness burst through me, making me light and carefree in a way I couldn’t remember feeling before. Finn Rochester had surprised me again.
And I loved it.
“He could be somewhere more obvious like a dojo.”
“Do you really think a ninja spy master would be lurking somewhere so obvious?”
“Sometimes obvious is the least obvious.”
He thought about that a second and then shook his head. “No. I’m definitely thinking antiques store.”
“Okay, fine.” I slid my hands down his chest to grip his waist and I noted how my touch made his eyelids lower in this really cute, sexy way. I decided touching him a lot would be on the agenda since I doubted physical affection was something he’d received a lot of in the last few years. “What kind of stuff will our ninja spy master teach us?”
He stepped closer, pressing deeper into my body in a way that made me lose my breath and the ability to tease. “All the ways in which I can get you alone without anyone knowing where to find us.”
“Oh.” I smiled slowly at the thought. “I think I’m going to enjoy the fruits of those lessons.”
Finn grinned and held me tighter.