“HEY, CAN I look at your notes for Microeconomics? I’ve been going over mine for the last few classes and they’re useless,” I said to Eloise over breakfast a few Saturdays later.
She swallowed a piece of croissant and nodded. “Would you like me to go over them with you?”
“Yeah, if you’re offering.”
“In exchange, maybe you can help me run some lines for the play? Bryce was doing it but she keeps making fun of the whole thing.” She didn’t have to say that Bryce was still acting like a hyperversion of her mean girl self over her father dating Charlotte’s mother.
“Sure, no problem.”
“I thought maybe we could talk Finn into hitting Charles Street before the movie today. I need new notebooks.”
“Ooh, me, too,” I said.
“Ah, two against one.” Eloise smiled.
A throat cleared to our right, and we both turned our heads that way. Hayley was sitting frozen with a piece of toast in her mouth, eyes wide, while Theo was staring at us in bemusement. He had been the throat clearer.
“You two are getting along,” he said carefully.
For the past few weeks we’d hardly seen our parents. Hayley was always busy with wedding plans and Theo had a big case at work that was keeping him at the office late. They’d missed recent developments between me and Eloise.
“Yes, Daddy.” Eloise shrugged and turned back to me. “Do you think it would be pushing our luck to get Finn to stop by Boylston Street, too? I have my eye on a Prada bag.”
“Definitely pushing your luck.”
She slumped with a sigh. “I thought so.”
* * *
Eloise did manage to talk Finn into stopping by Prada but only in exchange for him getting to choose the movie.
That meant watching the latest bestselling thriller-novel-turned-movie, but Elle and I both enjoyed it so it wasn’t such a bad deal.
We were sitting in Lulu’s afterward, Elle and Finn sitting beside each other for the sake of keeping up appearances. I sat across from them sipping my latte and chuckling as Finn teased Elle about the girl at the popcorn counter of the movie theater.
“I’m telling you she was checking you out.”
Elle blushed and gave me a pleading look. “Would you tell him to stop?”
I grinned but threw my napkin at Finn. “Stop it.”
“Just sayin’,” he murmured, still smiling to himself as he took a sip of coffee.
Elle rolled her eyes. “Can we talk about something that actually has a point? Like our Microeconomics assignment.”
“It has a point?” Finn and I said in unison.
We grinned at each other.
That got us another eye roll from Eloise. “Fine. We won’t talk about schoolwork. It’s not like it’s important or anything.”
“We could think up a way of getting me out of going to Austria with my father at Christmas.”
Elle and I shared a look. Although I was the only one who knew how bad things could get with Finn’s father, Elle knew enough to wish things were better for Finn at home. “We could tell him I’m pregnant,” Elle said deadpan. “You know, to lighten his mood when you explain you can’t go to Austria.”
I snorted.
Finn smirked at her. “I dare you to tell him you’re pregnant.”
“Are you kidding? I’m pretty sure that man can shrink someone with his steely stare alone. We’ll think of something else.”
“Hey, what are you guys doing here?”
We glanced up as Bryce and Joshua walked over to us, holding hands. Bryce had narrowed her eyes on me. “Third-wheeling their dates now, India?”
“Bryce,” Joshua warned.
She shrugged and took a seat at our table. Joshua stayed standing. “Well?” she snapped up at him. “Coming or going?”
He scowled at her but took a seat at the table.
Bryce turned her attention to Elle and Finn. “We were passing and saw you guys in here. Thought we’d join. We haven’t been on a double date in ages,” she said.
Finn shot me an apologetic look while Elle shifted uncomfortably.
“You know what we were just talking about?” Bryce grinned. “Do you remember two years ago at Honor Ruffalo’s pool party—”
“The floater!” Elle laughed. “How did I forget about that?”
“What made you think of that?” Finn grinned at Joshua.
Joshua shrugged. “Bryce was talking about having an indoor pool party over winter break. I was reminding her of the downsides.”
“He’s being a downer.” She threw him a dirty look. “But what’s new?”
Before Joshua could react to her gibe, Elle tried to alleviate the tension between boyfriend and girlfriend.
“To be fair the floater culprit was never found.” She shuddered in exaggeration.
“Oh, sweetie, are you thinking about how it nearly touched you?” Bryce reached over to squeeze her hand in sympathy. “Thank God Finn saw it and pulled you out of the way.”
“My hero.” She snorted and nudged him with her shoulder.
They all laughed, moving on from the story about the floater to another about a fifth grade party where a few kids got sick on punch and caused a vomiting domino effect.
I began to feel like the third wheel Bryce had accused me of being as it became more and more like a double date between the four of them. Finn and Elle naturally became more affectionate with each other as the trip down memory lane went on. They didn’t cut me out deliberately. Bryce was leading this particular venture into nostalgia-land and I had no doubt she was doing it on purpose to make me feel left out.
But it wasn’t really her I was upset with.
I hated that I couldn’t sit beside Finn. I hated that his arm was around Elle and not me. I hated that no one knew he was my boyfriend, not hers.
None of that bothered me when it was just Finn, Elle and me in our little bubble together.
It bothered me in situations like this, and it bothered me that I had to pretend that it didn’t bother me.
“I have this week’s book to read and review for the Chronicle,” I said, cutting off Bryce. “I’m going to head back.”
“We’ll come with you,” Elle said.
“No, really, I have to work.” I stood, grabbing my purse. “You guys stay.”
Finn frowned up at me. “I’m your ride.”
“I’ll get a cab.” I smiled, hoping it didn’t seem false. “I’ll see you guys later.”
I avoided Bryce’s smug smile as I left.
* * *
At the knock on my door two hours later, I rolled over on my bed. I sat up immediately at the sight of Finn in my doorway. “Hi.”
“Hey.” He stepped inside and closed the door. “Elle’s downstairs. She said she’ll keep a lookout for Hayley and Theo.”
I didn’t say anything, just watched as he made his way over to the bed and climbed on next to me. He stretched out beside me, his elbow bent, head resting in his hand, and he stared right into my eyes.
“Why did you leave Lulu’s?”
“I had a paper to do,” I said.
“Really?”
I actually did. “Do you want me to show it to you?”
“No.” He reached out and curled a strand of my hair behind my ear. “I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
I gave him a reassuring smile. “I’m fine.”
He shifted closer. “Promise?”
“Yes.” I leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. When I pulled back he was frowning at me. “What is it?”
“Did you ever have a birthday party growing up?”
Surprised by the question, I shook my head.
“Not one?”
I moved to shake my head again and then I remembered... “No, I did. I sometimes forget stuff from then but before Hayley left...yeah... I had an eighth birthday party.”
“Yeah? What was it like?”
“I don’t know.” I moved to sit up. “Do you want to listen to some music?”
“India.” He rested a hand on my shoulder and gently pushed me back down. “You never talk about your life before your mom left.”
“There’s not a lot to say.”
“What about your eighth birthday party?”
I remembered everything was purple and silver because I loved purple and silver. Purple and silver balloons and banners. A purple and silver cake. A purple dress, silver shoes. Even Hayley wore purple and silver. She made purple invitations and wrote them out in silver ink. She wrapped my presents in purple and silver, too.
It was the best birthday ever.
“I don’t want to talk about this,” I snapped, and twisted away from him, moving off the bed.
“Hey.” Finn caught me around the waist and pulled me back against him. “I’m sorry,” he said in my ear. “We don’t have to talk about it.”
After a moment I relaxed against him. “We can talk about anything else,” I whispered, not wanting to disappoint him. “Just not her, okay?”
“Okay.” He squeezed me.
A little while later we lay on the bed, his arms around me, my back to his chest, and there was no tension between us, just sweet contentment.
“So tell me about this floater?” I said.
Finn tensed at me ruining the moment and then he began to shake, the bed shaking with him, and his laughter filled my ears.
I relaxed, the crappy scene Bryce caused at Lulu’s and the feelings it brought out in me disappearing at the sound of Finn’s laughter.
When he sobered he held me that little bit tighter. “Instead of the floater, why don’t I tell you about my mom?”
I had no objections to that at all. I wanted to know everything about Finn. “I’d like that.”
“She liked a good birthday party,” he said immediately. “I had one every year while she was alive. She liked themes. One year it was superheroes, another villains, another computer game characters, another Grimm fairy tales. I was Rumpelstiltskin that year. Very creepy.”
I chuckled. “I’ll bet.”
“Just a little while before she got cancer, she had me help her throw a birthday party for this kid she was treating. This little girl had a problem with her heart and she was in the foster care system. While my mom treated her she was living in a girls’ home so she had no one. My mom realized her birthday was coming up and we threw the little girl a party in the children’s ward. Her name was Sophie. I made a banner for her. She looked so amazed. She cried and when I asked her why she was crying she said no one had ever thrown her a party before. I felt really bad. That year I’d complained because I didn’t want a party.
“I wished I never complained. I wished I’d told my mom how awesome I thought she was.”
At the sadness in his voice I turned around so I could see his face. “She knew, Finn. She knew.”
I snuggled against him and he held me tight.
“She dressed me up as a sasquatch when I was five, though. I think I’m allowed to be mad at her for that.”
I gave a bark of laughter, pulling back to gaze up into his eyes. “Is there photographic evidence?”
He grinned. “I’ll never tell.”
A few weeks later...
“You don’t like Will Ferrell?” Finn said, his expression horrified. “No one dislikes Will Ferrell.”
“Uh, correction, no one dislikes Steve Carell, but I didn’t say I disliked Will Ferrell. I have no idea what he’s like as a human being.”
“I’m guessing awesome because he’s awesome.” Finn sat up on my bed. “Seriously? He creeps you out?”
I laughed. “You’re really freaking out about this.”
“What is it about him that creeps you out?”
“He has weird man-child eyes.”
“Weird man-child eyes?”
“Yes. He has a man’s face and body but the eyes of a child. They have this innocence that is completely incongruous to most of the stuff that comes out of his mouth. Why do you think he was so good in Elf? It was all in those man-child eyes. He has the eyes of a small boy who still believes in Christmas. It’s creepy in the context of the rest of him.”
Finn threw his head back in laughter, and I lay beside him, watching and enjoying every minute of it.
We’d now successfully been hiding our relationship from everyone for the last six weeks. During that time I’d seen Finn laugh a lot. It made me feel good that it was me who made him laugh so much.
The others had noticed the change in him, too. He was lighter, much less broody, and he cracked jokes and talked more. And of course he talked to me in public, which they all put down to his new good mood. And they all put his new good mood down to the fact that they thought Eloise was giving him some.
Honestly, I was a little disappointed that his friends thought Finn so shallow that his behavior could change so drastically over getting laid.
If they knew him, really knew him, they would know it would take more than that.
It would take someone to make him laugh, someone to listen to him, someone who was there for him in a way no one else had been before.
“What is so funny?” Eloise suddenly appeared in my doorway, grinning at us.
I patted the bed beside me. “Will Ferrell apparently.”
“Nope,” Finn corrected me. “India.”
“Funny haha or funny strange,” she said as she strode over and hopped up onto the bed beside us. “Because I’m voting funny strange.”
“Har-de-har.” I pushed her gently.
She grinned. “I didn’t actually come in here to insult you. I heard a car on the drive. Hayley and Daddy are home.”
I threw Finn a look. That could have been close. I turned back to Elle. “Thanks.”
“No problem.” She crawled over me and insinuated herself between us.
Our parents had still been caught up in work and wedding planning. The wedding was a few days before Christmas, only a few weeks away now. My life here was becoming more and more real, and I was daring to hope that it might be permanent, after all.
“I just got off the phone with Bryce.” Eloise groaned and covered her eyes with her hand. “She and Joshua are still having problems.”
“I wish he’d break up with her already.” Finn sighed.
“Finn,” I admonished.
“What?” He shrugged. “I’ve never been a big fan of Bryce. Josh is too good for her.”
I didn’t necessarily disagree. “She loves him.”
“She should treat him better, then.”
“She should treat everyone better, but I doubt that will happen.”
“She is genuinely upset,” Eloise muttered. “And my head is pounding from having to listen to her rant at me on the phone about how she suspects that he’s cheating on her.” Eloise peeked at me between her fingers. “Just a heads-up: you were a suspect, but I talked her out of that.”
I made a face. “She has such a swell opinion of me.”
Finn snorted.
Eloise giggled. “It’s because you bond with him over music. I swear I’ve never met anyone as paranoid as that girl.”
“I bond with Finn over music,” I argued. It was true. Now that Finn and I were actually talking in public, it was mostly with Joshua about the bands we liked.
“Yes, but you are secretly hot for me.” Finn winked at me. “So that’s not the greatest argument in the world.”
“Maybe I’m secretly hot for Joshua, too,” I teased.
He gave me a look. “Don’t make me hunt down and kill my best friend.”
Eloise grunted. “Finn Rochester, caveman? Who knew?”
“Oh, that is tame for him,” I told her. “Believe me.”
“Huh.” She grinned at him. “I’m seeing a new side to you these days, my friend.”
I smiled because she looked genuinely happy for him.
Finn reached out and tapped the tip of her nose affectionately.
Her grin became a soft smile. “I started talking to this girl online.”
His eyes grew round with curiosity while I nudged her. She looked at me, laughter in her eyes. “Tell us more,” I urged.
“Her name is Sarah. She’s seventeen. She’s a senior at Cheltenham Girls’ High School here in Boston. She’s very witty and honest. I like talking to her. There’s not much else to say.”
“Is there flirting going on? Like hot flirting?” Finn grinned.
She smacked his arm. “I am not giving you material for lesbian fantasies.”
I laughed. “I want to know if there is flirting going on, too.”
Eloise rolled her eyes. She was grinning, though. “Lots of flirting.”
Before I could dig for more information we heard footsteps outside my door.
We looked over and suddenly there was a knock.
Surprised, I called, “Come in.”
We all sat up at the sight of Theo and Hayley standing in the doorway. They both wore huge grins on their faces as soon as they saw us together.
“We were going to order some takeout and wondered what you’d like,” Theo said, his eyes moving from me to Eloise to Finn. “Finn, you’re welcome to join us.”
“Chinese?” Elle said.
“If you like.”
“Chinese sounds good.” I shrugged.
“Yeah,” Finn agreed.
“I managed to talk Theo into cutting out of work early.” Hayley was grinning at me, and I could sense she wanted to jump around all giddy at discovering me hanging out with Elle and Finn again. “Isn’t this great? All of us together for dinner.”
“We’re having dinner together, Hayley,” I teased, swinging my legs off the bed. “Not exactly enough to win us the Brady Bunch Family of the Year Award.”
“You’re such a smart-ass.” Elle chuckled, moving off the bed after me.
“And good thing.” I threw wide eyes at Finn, whose grin rivaled Hayley’s. “Or what a dull life you all would still lead without me around to entertain you.”
“Pfft, pretty full of yourself there, Maxwell,” Elle retorted.
“I have reason to be.” I winked at Theo as I slid past him and Hayley. “I am awesome.”
* * *
Finn’s bedroom was huge. It was also one of the few rooms in the big house that looked truly lived in. It was messy, with clothes strewn here and there, his schoolbooks piled on the floor, and books he was reading on his own time stacked on high bookshelves. The only not untidy thing in the room was the bed because of the staff. They tried to clean around his clutter. He had posters of bands on the walls, and nearly every inch was covered with photographs he had taken of the places he’d seen. His father wanted him to be well traveled and cultured, but unfortunately that meant Finn was forced to go with him somewhere new over Christmas every year. Not so unfortunately that meant Finn had taken some beautiful shots of places he’d visited around the world.
The first time I’d seen his bedroom was only a week into our relationship. His father was away on business, and we’d gone to his room to hang out and get to know each other. Finn assured me the Rochester staff wouldn’t say a word to his dad about me being there. He’d told them we were working on a school project together. If they didn’t buy that story, I didn’t know. They gave us total privacy.
“We were in Cabo.” Finn had pointed to a beautiful shot of a huge rock formation that jutted out over the beach into the water. “That was the year I told my father that I didn’t want to go to Harvard Business School. I told him I wanted to be a travel photographer. He broke my camera.” He’d shot me a pained look. “It was the last time he hit me. I fought back. The staff at the resort must have known something was up. We were wandering around with bruised faces. It was so ugly.” His voice had gotten hoarse. “Part of me felt good about standing up for myself but mostly I felt... I knew I was trapped. My father will do whatever it takes to get his own way. And my future is in his hands. I can’t afford college without him. That means I have to do what he wants me to do.”
I hadn’t known what to say to him, to make him feel better, to assure him he wasn’t trapped when the truth was I didn’t know how to fight a man like his father any more than Finn did. Instead I’d wrapped my arms around his waist and leaned my head on his shoulder. “Did you buy the camera you have now?”
“No.” He’d smiled down at me. “Eloise did. I didn’t tell her about the beating I took but I told her about my dad getting pissed off about my photography and smashing my camera. I didn’t know what she was up to but she made me open a late Christmas present in front of my father. It was a camera. An even better one than the last. And she gushed like an idiot about how she was so sad to hear I’d broken my camera and how I just had to have a new one.” He’d given a huff of laughter. “She knew he couldn’t say no to the camera when it was from her without embarrassing himself. He actually likes her.”
I’d chuckled. “I like her. The more I know, the more I like. I’m glad you had her then. I wish she could have what we have. With this Sarah girl she’s always talking online with or...any girl that she cares for. She deserves happiness.”
“You are the sweetest person,” he’d murmured, bending his head for a kiss.
“Stop saying that,” I’d whispered against his lips, “it’s not true.”
He’d kissed me, long and tender. “You taste sweet,” he’d murmured when we finally came up for air.
Now I was in his bedroom again for the fourth time. Mr. Rochester was away on business, this time for three nights, so Finn had the house to himself. He was always in a good mood when his dad was away.
I lay on Finn’s big bed, staring at a picture on his bedside table.
It was a black-and-white photograph of his mother. It had been taken in the style of a nineteen-forties Hollywood starlet. She was so beautiful. Finn had her eyes.
We’d been lying in comfortable silence for a little while, lost in our individual thoughts, as Finn trailed the back of his knuckles over the top of my arm.
“I thought about being a doctor. A pediatric surgeon. Like her. Follow Elle to premed,” Finn said.
I glanced at him, realizing he’d been watching me look at the picture. “Yeah?”
“If I couldn’t be a photographer, maybe I could be the next best thing. Kind of a tribute to her.”
“That’s a good idea.”
Darkness shadowed his face. “My father said no.”
Your father is a monstrous bastard! I wanted to rage. But I kept it inside. Finn already knew his father was a bad guy. He didn’t need the reminder.
He caught the heat in my eyes, anyway, and he leaned his head closer to mine. “Hey, it’s okay.”
“It’s not.” I looked back at the picture of his mother, wishing she were still here. Maybe she could have fought for him. Helped him. Because I was clueless, helpless and powerless, and I hated it.
In fact, I think I hated it more feeling that way for him than I ever did for myself.
That feeling seemed to expand inside my chest until I felt almost suffocated by the aching frustration.
“Hey, hey.” Finn rested his forehead against mine. “It’s okay. I’m okay.”
I turned to look at him, forcing him to pull away from me. “Are you?” I practically begged.
He brushed his thumb over my bottom lip and leaned in to whisper, “I have you, don’t I?”
“I’m not enough, Finn.”
“God,” he breathed against my mouth, “you have no idea how wrong you are.”
“I want you to be happy,” I said. “With more than just me.”
“I am happy. I’ve never been happier. My dad can’t touch me when I’m feeling like this. Believe me, he’s tried.”
“What has he done?” I frowned, jerking back. He hadn’t mentioned his dad giving him shit.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Finn.” I sat up. “It does matter.”
He sighed and sat up, too. “Look, he’s just being his usual self.”
“In what way his usual self? Is he hitting you?” I reached for him, turning his face to the light in case I’d missed a bruise or something.
Finn chuckled and grabbed my wrists. “No.” He tugged me so I had no choice but to fall against him. “He...okay...he suspects I might be ‘fooling around with you’ in secret. His words not mine.”
“And he’s okay with that?”
“I’m still with Eloise so he’s assuming I’ve taken his advice and that I’m using you.”
“Arrgh,” I growled. “I swear, Finn, that guy. Sometimes I think I have the better deal. My dad beat the shit out of me but even then I had the hope of a future away from him once I turned eighteen.” If I’d made it to eighteen living with him, that is.
“Don’t,” he said through gritted teeth. “You weren’t better off. This—” he pushed my shirt up, revealing my ribs “—is just a reminder.” He bent his head and pressed a soft kiss to the only physical scar my dad left me. A burn from a cigarette he’d put out on me when he was wasted. The next morning when he found me crying in pain was the only time my father showed a measure of remorse. Carla had put some antiseptic on it so it wouldn’t fester but because it hadn’t been taken care of by a doctor it left a little circular scar. “Every time I think of what he did to you I want to hit something.”
“Then don’t think about it,” I whispered as I ran my fingers through Finn’s soft, thick hair. In answer he began to press kisses across my belly. This time a different heat flashed through me, and I sighed, falling back against his bed.
He looked up at me, his fingers trailing over the zipper on my jeans, questioning.
I nodded and squirmed in anticipation as he unbuttoned them and then pulled the zipper down. We hadn’t had sex yet but we’d done nearly everything else.
It was exciting, exhilarating, and I was growing to crave him like I was addicted.
But sex—
As much as I wanted him something stopped me from going all the way with him.
I didn’t know what it was and I didn’t want to ponder it too much, so I just enjoyed what we did have.
I knew Finn enjoyed it, too, and he never pushed for more even though the question, along with a little frustration, was in his eyes. I had no answers, so all I could do was make up for it in giving everything over in my kiss.