I WATCHED ELOISE disappear into the pool house still wearing the floor-length pale yellow Jenny Packham dress that had definitely made her the belle of the ball—or the Winter Formal, I should say. Most every other girl had turned up in silvers and pale blues, so Elle had really stood out. Me, not so much, as I was wearing a cobalt blue silk gown that swished around my ankles.
I’d been miserable the whole night as Elle and Finn held hands and danced when coerced to by Bryce and Joshua. Elle had insisted we do a group hang thing at the dance so I wouldn’t feel left out, but it hadn’t really worked out. Charlotte and Gabe barely looked at each other from the moment they got there, making me wonder what was going on with them. The tension between them was so thick Gabe got up and left the table. Five minutes later we saw him slow-dancing with a senior.
Poor Charlotte looked miserable and insisted on going home early despite our protests. Elle and I tried to get her to talk to us but she wouldn’t, and all we could do was put her in a cab and promise we’d call her the next morning.
Bryce and Joshua, who had gotten over their relationship problems, spent most of the night making out at our table, and that left the not-so-kinky threesome of me, Elle and Finn.
At home it never bothered me, but at the dance our threesome was awkward. I looked and felt pathetic hanging with them and was desperate to go home.
There had been times over the last few months that I’d found it hard to keep my relationship with Finn a secret. Those doubts I’d had way at the beginning would whisper to me sometimes. However, as quickly as they’d come to me, Finn would obliterate them with his kisses, his kindness and his devotion.
But he hadn’t told me he loved me.
And watching him kiss Elle, even if it was all for show, was getting harder, not easier like I thought it would.
I was so lost in my own crappy thoughts that it had taken me until the three of us were back in the limo, heading to our house, to notice that Elle was also in a mood.
Theo and Hayley were staying in New York for the weekend so we had the house to ourselves. The intention was for Finn to hang out with me after formal to make up for the fact that we couldn’t be together at the dance. But I wasn’t sure I wanted to be alone with Finn.
And I still felt that way as he stood at my back. The limo had dropped us off at home and Elle had charged ahead of us, seeming lost in her own world. We’d followed her through the house and then watched her disappear out into the pool house.
“Something’s wrong with you,” he said quietly. “What is it?”
“There’s something wrong with Elle,” I evaded. “I should go talk to her.” I spun around. “You should go home, Finn. We’ll talk later.”
I hurried away from him and outside, ignoring the surprised look on his face. He looked as though I’d just slapped him.
The truth was it was easier to deal with whatever was going on in Elle’s head than it was to deal with my own angst over Finn. I didn’t want to argue with him or break up with him—not at all! However, I also didn’t like how I was starting to feel.
Probably like how his father wanted me to feel.
Like a dirty little secret.
And as much as I knew that wasn’t true, I couldn’t stop the insidious thought from creeping in.
I shrugged it off and practically ran over to the pool house, lifting the hem of my dress out of my way to get there fast—it was cold!
I didn’t bother to knock.
Eloise sat on the sofa in the pool house, looking so forlorn I felt an ache in my chest at the sight of her.
“Hey,” I said, walking over to sit across from her, “what is going on?”
“Aren’t you supposed to be with Finn?”
“I told him to go home. What’s up with you?”
“You told him to go home?”
“Elle, what’s up? You’re acting weird.”
“No weirder than you. You were upset tonight.”
I frowned. “Is that what’s wrong with you?”
She didn’t answer but somehow I knew I was just an excuse for some bigger problem.
“Elle...”
“I just get mad, all right,” she snapped. “These dances, they make me mad. I was with Finn the whole night and I felt all alone. These are the nights I just wish things were different, you know.”
“Yes. I think I do.”
“I’m sorry, India.”
I thought about how truly lonely Eloise was and suddenly felt very petty for feeling resentful. “I’m sorry, too.”
Her laughter was bitter. “What a pair, huh? You wishing you could hold your boyfriend’s hand in public, and me wishing I had the guts to ask Sarah to this stupid dance.”
“Have you ever kissed a girl?” I said.
My abrupt question caused her to expel a bark of laughter. “I hope you’re not offering.”
I rolled my eyes. “No. I just... I wondered... How do you really know you’re gay if you’ve never kissed a girl?”
She stared at me for a moment before asking, “What age were you when you developed your first crush?”
“I was ten,” I said, remembering it clearly. “His name was Logan and he punched my arm every time he passed me in the hall. If only I knew then what I know now.” I grinned. “That boy liked me back.”
“So you’d never kissed a boy but you knew you liked them?”
Her point hit home, direct and true. “Yes. I knew I liked boys before I kissed one.”
“Same for me.” She shrugged, giving me a sad smile. “Tonight I’d give anything to have a stupid crush on a stupid boy.” Eloise lowered her eyes. “Do you know why I like being in the school plays?”
“Why?”
“Because I can be any kind of person at all without the fear of judgment.” Her eyes glistened with tears. “Most days I try not to care. But today I care. Today is a day I wish I were the kind of girl who was so secure in her own skin she didn’t care what anyone else thought of her. Today is the kind of day that makes me think of my mother, who loved formals, who could be kind and loving, but was my father’s wife after all. And if it’s true what they say, that somehow she really is looking down on me, then there is this huge possibility that she’s disappointed in me...and no one can blame me for caring that my mother would have hated the person I truly am.”
Chest hurting for her, I got up slowly and then sat down beside her. Without saying a word, because words would be superfluous at this point, I put my arm around her and drew her head down onto my shoulder. She slumped into me, and I felt her hot tears hit my bare skin.
My grip on her tightened, and I wished today had been a different kind of day for her, too.
* * *
A little while later I walked Elle to her room and headed back to my own feeling more confused than ever. I had to admit, if only to myself, that I’d started the night feeling resentful toward her. I didn’t understand why Elle still needed Finn to help keep her secret.
They’d been in a relationship for two and a half years, and everyone thought they’d had sex. If they broke up, no one would automatically jump to the conclusion that Elle was gay. She no longer needed Finn to continue her lie. She could stay single for the rest of high school, going out on a date here and there to avoid suspicion, and no one would be the wiser.
It didn’t mean Finn and I could get together right away but we could lead up to it in a way that people wouldn’t jump all over us for it—especially with Elle supporting us.
But she couldn’t seem to see past her irrational fear and I admit...it was beginning to bother me.
However, seeing her so sad and upset for the first time since she’d talked to me about being gay, I couldn’t hold on to my resentment. What she was dealing with was bigger than my insecurities.
I strode into my room, ready to crash, only to come to an abrupt halt at the sight of Finn lying on my bed asleep.
Something huge swept through me, filling me up, as I stared at him sprawled out on my duvet.
And for the first time I let myself finally admit what all that hugeness was.
I was in love with Finn Rochester.
I love him.
Tears pricked my eyes, though I wasn’t sure whether they were tears of happiness or confusion or fear or all three. I kicked off my shoes and climbed up onto the bed, trying not to wake him.
I gently laid my head on his chest and closed my eyes, listening to his heart thud in my ear.
No, I thought, I would put up with being his secret girl, because it was better than not having him at all. It was better than feeling lonely. And one thing was for sure: I never felt lonely when I was with him.
* * *
I was just drifting to sleep when I felt his arms close around me, and his lips brush my ear. “Don’t leave me,” he whispered. “Don’t ever leave me.”
I burrowed my head deeper into his chest and held on to him tight.