“SO, JUST US, HUH?” I stared across the cafeteria table at Gabe.
For the first time ever I found myself alone at lunch with him. Finn had booked the darkroom out to finish a project he was working on; Joshua and Bryce were extra-loved-up these days and were off doing...well...probably each other, somewhere. And Eloise was in dress rehearsal for the play that was opening that night.
Charlotte was mysteriously absent.
Gabe grinned at me. “Your wish finally came true, Maxwell. So what will you do with me now that you have me alone?”
I smiled with faux sweetness. “Ask you what is going on with you and Charlotte?”
The cocky look on his face was quickly replaced by discomfort. He shifted uneasily in his seat and looked at his plate. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Oh, yeah, sure.
“I’m talking about the fact that you and Charlotte looked mighty cozy at the engagement party and then suddenly you could barely look at each other at Winter Formal. What’s up with that?”
Gabe glanced around, as if he was checking to make sure no one was listening. He leaned across the table and said quietly, “Charlotte hasn’t said anything?”
My curiosity peaked to new heights. “Not a word. Why? What happened?”
He frowned down at his plate. “I’m not sure I should say anything, then.”
“You can’t not say anything now,” I argued.
“If I do tell you... I mean...shit.” He rubbed a hand over his head.
“Gabe.”
“Can I trust you, Maxwell?”
“Of course.”
In answer to that, he got up out of his seat and came down to sit in the seat next to mine. I turned to him, eager to find out what was going on between them.
“I haven’t told anyone else this...”
When he didn’t say anything else I punched his shoulder. “The suspense is killing me here.”
“Fine.” He glanced around us again and then looked me directly in the eye before he muttered something.
“What was that?”
He muttered it again.
“Gabe, just spit it out.”
“Charlotte and I hooked up,” he hissed.
I think my jaw might have hit the floor. “No.”
“Yes.” He looked pained, not happy, and I suddenly started to understand what was going on here.
“You dumped her, didn’t you?” I glared at him, thinking how devastated Charlotte must be after giving up her virginity to him, only for him to reject her.
“We weren’t going out. It just happened. And now shit is weird between us.”
“Weird how?”
“Charlotte wants to date.” He said the word date like it was dirty.
My irritation at him was growing steadily worse. “And what is wrong with that?”
“Come on, India, you know I don’t date. After I’ve been with a girl I get bored.”
I thought of how badly Charlotte must be hurting right then and I wanted to punch him. Gabe must have seen my thoughts in my expression because he held up his hands in defense. “Look, I’m not a total asshole, okay. It just...she was coming on to me at the engagement party and I got carried away a little. The next day she came over to my house to study and she practically jumped me.”
“You could have said no if you aren’t into her.” I really, really wanted to smack him.
He glared back at me. “I didn’t want to say no.”
Interesting.
“So...you like her?”
“It’s Charlotte. Of course I like her. She’s one of my closest friends. And that’s the problem. If we dated and we broke up, I lose my friend.”
Slowly the anger seeped out of me. “Can I ask a question?”
He nodded.
“You said that you get bored with a girl after you sleep with her. Does that mean you wouldn’t want to sleep with Charlotte again?”
Gabe’s lips tightened. It was the most serious I’d ever seen him in my life.
“Gabe.”
He shot me a tortured look. “I can’t stop thinking about her.”
Hope began to blossom in my chest for my friends. “Then what’s the problem? Give it a shot.”
“No.” He shook his head adamantly. “I don’t date. I’m not good at it. And I would end up hurting her. So no.”
I wasn’t exactly following his logic but I’d never seen such a mulish expression on his face so I knew he meant it. “So you’ll be cool with her dating other guys, then?”
“How? Is she dating someone? What do you know?”
What a dipshit. I made a face at his obvious jealousy. “You are so screwed.”
His eyes grew round with alarm. “How?”
“Because you’ve slept with her now. Things will never be the same between you and she’s just going to resent you for hurting her, anyway. If you date, she’ll be even more hurt. If she dates, it’s going to drive you crazy. So it’s up to you...do you give dating her a chance with the risk that it might not work out? A risk, I might add, that we all take when we date someone. Or do you be the guy that slept with his best friend who’s crazy about him, and then reject her. There is really only one scenario there that guarantees you lose her friendship.”
Gabe scowled at me. “Nah-uh. I’m very charming if you hadn’t noticed. I can win Charlotte’s friendship back.”
“It’s good that you’re optimistic. That’s nice.” I bit into a fry. “Delusional. But nice.”
His chair scraped across the floor as he pushed back from the table. “That’s what I get for seeking advice from a girl.”
“I know,” I called out as he was walking away. “The truth hurts.”
He flipped me the bird without turning back and I ignored the curious looks around us. I couldn’t care less. Gabe needed to hear the truth, so he could pull his head out of his ass and ask Charlotte out.
As for me, I needed to find her and make sure she was okay.
* * *
The school felt flooded with people, an expectant and electric atmosphere in the air. It was a mix of excitement over the upcoming Christmas break and anticipation for the first performance of the school play that evening.
After having a heart-to-heart with poor Charlotte, who was so hurt and rejected by Gabe that she hadn’t wanted to tell any of us about it, I’d stayed behind after school with Elle for the last-minute rehearsals. Since she and Elle were so close, I made Charlotte promise to tell Elle about Gabe. It would make her feel better to talk to her friend, confide in her. She agreed, as long as we didn’t tell Bryce, who was still extra mean around Charlotte these days because of their whole parents dating situation.
For now I kept Charlotte’s secret, knowing Elle needed to stay focused on the play. Being sound assistant hadn’t involved much so over the last few months I’d become a general assistant, running around after crew and actors and getting them what they needed.
Walking through the halls that night with a cooler filled with bottled water, I passed students and their parents as they milled around before curtain-up, smiling at those I recognized.
“India!”
I whipped around and found Patrick striding toward me.
“Hey.”
“Let me help you.” He took the heavy cooler out of my hands before I could protest. “Where are we taking it?”
“Backstage.”
“Ah, behind the scenes.” He grinned. “Lead the way.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
I began leading him toward the backstage door. It was awkward between us because I’d been deliberately keeping my distance from him. He seemed more than a little confused considering I’d flirted with him at Hayley and Theo’s engagement party.
I led him inside and we headed to the large dressing room. “We come bearing water!” I called out cheerily, and we hadn’t even breached the doorway when we were bombarded by actors.
When the crowd dispersed I found Eloise.
And she wasn’t alone.
Finn stood next to her...and he did not look happy to see Patrick next to me.
Ignoring his narrowed eyes, I strode over to Elle, sensing Patrick fall into step behind me. “Here,” I said, handing her a bottle. “Hydrate.”
She smiled wanly. “Thanks. I hate that I get so nervous.”
“It goes away, right?” I said.
“Yes. As soon as I hit the stage...” She trailed off, turning pale. “Excuse me.” She pushed past us, possibly heading somewhere to upchuck.
“Will she be okay?” Patrick said.
Finn didn’t do a very good job of not scowling at him. “She’s always sick before a performance. She’ll be fine.” He looked at me. What is he doing with you? his look said.
I shrugged.
“Should you go after her?” Patrick said.
Finn looked insulted by the implication that he wasn’t fulfilling his boyfriend duties. He was. Just...to me. I was getting the possessive boyfriend treatment.
“I will.” I brushed between them, wondering if Finn ever gave a thought to how it made me feel when he and Elle got affectionate in public. At first it seemed to bother him, but now he didn’t give me silent “sorrys” with his eyes. It was like he thought I was used to it or something.
But God forbid I should walk by another boy’s side.
I thought of Gabe and how much of an idiot he was acting about Charlotte.
Finn wasn’t looking any smarter than his friend.
Guys were such dumbasses.
* * *
As it turned out, Elle did get over her nerves as soon as she set foot onstage. The audience was, like me, mesmerized by her. In the last act, when I watched the scene again when the boy playing Emily’s husband, George, throws himself on his wife’s grave as she looks on, and she turns to her mother-in-law and says, “They don’t understand, do they?” I knew now why I got those goose bumps every time Elle delivered Emily’s line. The real emotion she put in it didn’t just come from losing her mom; it came from having her secret. It came from knowing and feeling things her classmates just couldn’t understand yet, and maybe never would.
And while last time I watched Elle on that stage I’d been in awe, now I knew her, now I cared about her and now I was proud of her.
When the play was over, after her roaring standing ovation, I left Elle to get dressed and take off her stage makeup and I headed out front to see our parents.
Hayley’s cheeks were flushed, and her eyes were bright as I approached.
“Wasn’t she wonderful,” she gushed. “I just... Theo, you never said how talented she was.”
Theo frowned. “I think I did, you know.”
“You did,” I agreed. “So did I. But I guess you have to see it for yourself.”
“Why isn’t Eloise pursuing acting?”
“Eloise is going to do something useful with her life and become a doctor. Don’t fill her head with nonsense about acting.”
Hayley raised an eyebrow at Theo’s tone. “It’s not nonsense.”
“Hayley,” he warned, and I stepped back, not really wanting to be there for a public spat.
“Don’t Hayley me,” she said, glancing around to make sure no one was listening. “Eloise can be a doctor, a pilot or an actor for all I care...as long as she’s happy.”
They had a stare-down but Hayley refused to back down. I was kind of impressed.
Theo finally sighed. “I see Donald Keating.” He disappeared, and Hayley glowered after him.
“Was that your first disagreement?” I teased, trying to lighten the mood.
Hayley shot me a look. “No. It’s not.”
I frowned. “Trouble in paradise?”
“No.” She hurried to my side, threading her arm through mine. “Our different backgrounds make for different attitudes. Theo has expectations for Eloise and now for you. I just don’t want either of you to feel pressured by them.”
“I don’t feel pressured,” I assured her.
Hayley brushed my hair from my face, her expression turning tender. “Have I told you lately how proud I am of you?”
I tensed, still not so evolved that I could easily accept praise from her.
“I am,” she insisted, her grip on me tightening ever so slightly. “You came into this strange Boston world, not happy to be here, and yet you grabbed it with both hands and made it your own. And you’ve charmed everyone, including Eloise.” She smiled. “That kid was so lonely before you got here. You know, I think you might be her best friend.”
The truth was Hayley wasn’t wrong. And she’d shocked the heck out of me with her perceptiveness. “Elle wants to be a doctor,” I said. “Just to reassure you. It is what she wants.”
“Good to know.” Hayley grinned. “Guess I should go find my fiancé and smooth his ruffled feathers.”
“Ugh, Hayley, no dirty talk, please.”
She guffawed and lightly pushed me. “You’re so bad.”
And just like that she reminded me of a teenager again. But instead of it annoying me, it made me laugh as I watched her float through the crowds, oblivious to other men looking at her, when her entire focus was Theo.
“What are you laughing at?”
I glanced up at Finn, sobering. “Hayley.”
He nodded absentmindedly. “Can I have a word?”
I nodded and followed Finn as he led me through the crowded hallways and into a part of the school that was empty. The lights were low here and it felt eerie and quiet.
“Finn,” I whispered.
But he ignored me until he found a classroom door that would open. He gestured me inside and then closed the door behind us, pulling the blind down over the small window at the top.
“What’s going on?”
He leaned against the door and crossed his arms over his chest. “Why is it Patrick Donaghue can’t seem to stay away from you?”
I rolled my eyes at the exaggeration. “Oh, come on. I’ve spoken to him twice in the last few weeks.”
“I heard he’s going to ask you out.”
“Finn, I’m not doing this.” I was tired and hungry and so not in the mood for Finn in jealous boyfriend mode.
“Do you like him?” He narrowed his eyes on me.
Apparently when hungry and tired it didn’t take much to blow my fuse. “Are you kidding me?” I snapped.
“Well?”
“Are you listening to yourself? You can’t get mad at me for talking to a boy, Finn! I spend nearly every day having to watch you hold hands with Elle, give her kisses and hugs. You don’t seem to care how that makes me feel. You do not get to be pissed at me for talking to another boy—another boy who would have no problem holding my hand in public!”
Finn’s head jerked back, like I’d hit him.
My words seem to echo all around us as we stood staring at one another in silence.
“It’s...” Finn looked flabbergasted. “It’s just Elle. You know it’s... How can you be jealous?”
It wasn’t about Eloise. I knew rationally there was nothing going on between them.
Honestly, I didn’t know for sure what exactly it was that was driving me so crazy about the situation. “Forget I said anything,” I said. “I’m tired, that’s all.”
The apprehension didn’t leave his eyes but, as if he, too, was scared to take this conversation any further in case it led somewhere we couldn’t turn back from, he strode carefully toward me, cupped my face in his hands and pressed the sweetest kiss to my lips. “Let’s get you home,” he murmured.
* * *
Two days before Hayley and Theo’s wedding, I couldn’t believe we were finally becoming a family.
I stood in my walk-in staring at the bridesmaid gown I’d be wearing. Finn was in my bedroom, lying on my bed with the freedom of knowing that Hayley and Theo were out.
“Fast-forward ten years,” I called into the other room. “If you could have it exactly as you want it, what would your future look like?”
“I travel the world taking photographs for a living,” he answered immediately. “When I come home it’s to Boston, to an apartment in Back Bay where I live with you. You have a rock on your left finger that I put there, and we’re arguing about what we should name our first kid. My dad is not a part of our lives. At all.”
I smiled at the thought of that future, taken aback Finn was even thinking of “us” that far in the future, never mind the marriage and babies bit. I didn’t know a lot of guys our age that wouldn’t run screaming in the other direction just thinking about it. But Finn wasn’t like other guys our age. He got what was important. Like me. “Eloise lives a few blocks from us with her girlfriend, who happens to be very understanding about Elle’s crappy hours as an intern.” I strode out into the bedroom, and my smile died.
Finn wasn’t laughing. He looked completely serious. “Do you know why Patrick’s interest in you drives me crazy?”
I shook my head, surprised he’d mention it after we’d done such a good job these last few days pretending there wasn’t this horrible friction between us.
“Because you’re right. If you were with him he would have no problem telling the whole world you were his girlfriend. I can’t do that and I hate it.”
I stared at him, blown away by his honesty, and not quite sure how to reciprocate without giving away too much of myself.
Finn’s smile was tired. “So it’s hard for me, too. Just so you know.”
I leaned against my bedpost. “Okay.”
He nodded and shifted on the bed. He frowned as his hand moved under my pillow, and when he pulled his arm out, he was holding my ereader.
My heart lurched as he moved to switch it on. “Hey.” I jumped on the bed. “Private.” I waved my hand at him, gesturing for him to give it to me.
A slow smile lit up his face as he handed it over. “You can chill. I know you read romance novels.”
Heat flooded my cheeks. “Wha—how—what?” I sputtered.
He laughed and sat up, grabbing hold of my wrist so he could haul me none-too-gently against him. I collapsed onto him as he fell back against my pillows. He cupped my too-hot face in his hands, looking deep into my eyes. “I’ve known about your secret for a while,” he whispered. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.”
“I—” I realized I didn’t know how to explain why I liked romance novels so much, or why I was so embarrassed by my addiction.
“It’s okay. You want the happy ending. There’s no shame in that, India. No shame in that at all.”
It was the way he said it. Just something in his voice.
It was like it flipped a switch inside of me.
I started to cry.
I pressed my face into his neck and bawled like a baby while he held me tight in his arms.
* * *
Sometime later, once I had calmed down, I settled my cheek on his chest and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry.”
“Never be sorry,” he said.
“I want to feel happy for her without resenting her, without resenting myself,” I blurted. “Before I got here, met you, Eloise, I was this awful person who didn’t want Hayley to have happiness. I didn’t think she deserved it. Now... I want her to be happy but I’m not even sure if it’s because her being happy means my life here is permanent or if I just want her to be happy. And if I do just want her to be happy, then I feel angry at myself for giving her that. It’s so messed up.”
Finn stroked my back. “Hayley left you. She walked out on you for years and left you to a man who abused you. And the only reason she’s back in your life is because he almost killed you. I’m the last person to give you perspective on this because I’m angry at her, too.”
“Hayley did what?”
We bolted upright at the furious tone, my heart dropping to my stomach at the sight of Elle standing in my doorway. She was pale, with two red spots flushing high on her cheeks. Disbelief, horror, blazed in her eyes.
“Eloise.” I scrambled off the bed. “Elle, please.”
“No!” She held up a hand to ward me off. “You tell me everything, right now.”
Stomach sick, I could only stare at her, because I knew the moment I opened my mouth there was a possibility everything Hayley and I had built here would just go up in a puff of smoke.
“If you don’t tell her, she’s just going to make it up in her head for herself out of what she heard,” Finn said.
“I know you want to protect your dad,” I started, “but it’s not—”
“My dad,” Elle cut me off. “Yes, I do. But it’s not just about that... Jesus, India, is what Finn said true? Did that happen to you?”
Eventually I sat with my back resting against Finn’s chest, him supporting me physically and emotionally, as I told Eloise my story. Every little piece.
“That night with the food,” she murmured, looking a little lost. “That was because of your dad?”
I nodded.
“Oh God, I told Bryce of all people.” She squeezed her eyes shut. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“It’s not okay!” Her eyes flew open and her anger blazed out. “Hayley left you to a monster! She just left you!” She stood up, hands shaking. “Does Daddy know?”
Fear choked me and I shook my head.
“About any of it?”
I swallowed past that fear and it was painful. “He knows my father wasn’t a good man. I don’t think he knows Hayley wasn’t there for all the times he wasn’t a good man.”
“Or that Hayley is the reason he wasn’t a good man,” Elle snapped.
“Elle, please. Please don’t tell Theo.”
Her eyes grew round with shock. “You want me to let him marry her not knowing who she really is?”
“She’s not a bad person,” I found myself arguing. “She made a mistake.”
“That mistake almost cost you your life. Do you forgive her for that?”
“I don’t know,” I whispered. “I don’t know. But I don’t think I could forgive myself if I destroyed what she has with Theo. She loves him, Eloise. We can’t take that away from her.”
“But what about my father?” she cried. “He doesn’t know what the woman he’s marrying is capable of.”
“Yes, he does, because I told him.”
I immediately jumped away from Finn as Hayley pushed her way inside my room.
“People really need to stop eavesdropping around here,” I heard Finn mutter, and a little hysterical giggle escaped from my lips.
Hayley drank us all in, her features tight with pain, especially when she saw my reddened eyes. Finally she focused on Eloise. “I told Theo last week, a few days before your play. Things have been a little tense between us, but he’s come to forgive me. You can ask him yourself when he gets home.”
Eloise glowered at her. “He may have forgiven you, but that does not mean I have.”
“I don’t expect you to.”
“Why did you leave her? My mother was dying and all she cared about, all she kept apologizing for, was leaving me.” Tears glimmered in Elle’s eyes. “How could you willingly leave her?”
I tensed at Elle’s question and the way Hayley struggled to control her emotions. For some reason it was the question I’d never had the guts to ask Hayley, and she’d frustrated me over the years for never having the balls to bring up the answer herself.
Now she turned to look at me. “May I speak to India alone, please?”
Finn touched my arm, and I looked over my shoulder at him. Although my heart was pounding in my chest and I thought I might be sick, I nodded.
He slowly got up and walked, stone-faced, by Hayley before taking hold of Eloise’s hand. She stiffened and shot me a look.
I nodded at her, too, and she reluctantly let Finn lead her out of the room.
The door clicked softly shut but the noise might as well have been as excruciating as nails down a chalkboard for the way it made both of us flinch.
Hayley shook out her hands and lowered herself onto the stool by my vanity table. I sat on my bed and let the silence thicken. My stomach churned.
“Over the years, I’ve wanted to try to explain...but how do you explain the unexplainable?” She shrugged helplessly.
“You try.”
She winced at my cold tone. “It’s easier said than done.”
“Try,” I reiterated. “I know this is probably the last thing you want to be discussing before the big wedding but if you do anything for me, just for me, then please do this.”
Her eyes shone with emotion. “I guess I should start at the beginning, then. The truth is I had a shitty upbringing. We’ve never really talked about your grandparents because you’ve never really asked me anything, but you should know they weren’t loving parents. My dad slapped us around, and my mom would use me as a shield. Better me than her, she used to say.”
I stared at her, appalled, shocked and begrudgingly sympathetic. It was jarring to realize that all this time I’d had someone in my life who actually got what I’d gone through. Never could I have believed Hayley and I would have something like that in common.
“I never had grand dreams as a kid. I didn’t want to be a lawyer or a doctor. I just wanted to be out of that house, that’s all I wanted. And I don’t want sympathy, India, I don’t, not from you. I don’t deserve it. I just need you to know why I ran into your father’s arms at eighteen. At the time he was this escape and he loved me. No one had ever just loved me. I hadn’t ever heard someone say those words to me until your father did.”
I remembered how much he loved her. His love for her made me feel resentful because every punch, every kick, every time he starved me or punished me, was a reminder of his love for her and how that love had turned to the darkest kind of hurt.
Hayley flinched at whatever she saw on my face and looked down at her feet. “By the time I realized I didn’t love him back, I’d already had you. I stuck it out with him because I didn’t want you to have a broken family.” She laughed bitterly at the irony. “Oh God, kid, I messed up so bad. I stayed instead of taking you and getting out of there. I thought it was better to be loved by him than to be scared on my own. But over the years I started to think about all those things that everyone dreams about when they’re kids. I thought about what I wanted from my life, just for me, and I knew your dad would never let me have them because he loved me too much—if it meant splitting my focus from him, he’d never let me have it.”
She was telling the truth because I also remembered that. I hadn’t seen his behavior as possessive or controlling when I was a kid, but looking back he was that way with her. I remembered one night she came home from her part-time job at a supermarket. It was only months before she left. She’d brought leaflets home with her and had sat down with him to show them. She’d wanted to go to community college. My dad had gotten frustrated. I remember him shouting at her that they’d already talked about it and they couldn’t afford it. Hayley had argued with him until he screamed in her face and slammed out of the house. She’d cried in her room all night.
I’d been so scared they’d split up and I was angry at her for making him mad.
I was such a stupid kid.
Hayley’s expression was a mix of pleading and apologetic. “I’m ashamed to admit this, more than you’ll ever know, but I started to resent you. I looked at my beautiful kid and I resented you because I was stuck in another shitty situation but this time for you. I’d stayed with him for you. And I hated myself for blaming you. I hated myself so bad and I was scared that I would turn into my father and that I would hurt you.
“So I left.”
I stared at her, barely able to make her out for the tears clouding my vision. “And he hurt me instead.”
She nodded, her own tears finally breaking free. “When they came to tell me what had happened to you... I wanted to die, India. I wanted to die. I thought I’d left you for the better. I knew he was controlling but I never knew what he was capable of. You have to believe me. I left to protect you... If I had known what he would do...”
“Why?” My voice broke. “Why didn’t you tell me this long ago and save us from all this crap between us. I would have understood. Or I would have tried to understand.”
“You wouldn’t talk to me...” She shrugged helplessly. “You scared me because you were just so angry all the time. And honestly, I didn’t think you’d trust a word I said.”
The anger, the pain and the words I needed to express all that had lodged in a tight ball in my throat and I couldn’t get them out. I’d stopped counting how many times that ball had burned there, preventing me from letting the words go.
But I needed to let them go.
I finally needed to.
I forced the words out with everything I had.
“Do you know why I was so angry, Hayley?” I said, my voice hoarse. “Because I want to hate you. I want to hate you but I can’t. I love you. I love you more than I love anybody, and you hurt me more than anybody else. Even more than my father, because you left me. You left me.”
Hayley stared at me, pale, eyes wide at my confession.
And then her face crumpled under the weight of my words and a sob burst out of her. Hayley rushed at me, and I was in her arms before I could stop her.
I stood frozen. Uncertain. Afraid.
And then my fingers bit into her arms and it took me a moment to realize I was holding on instead of pushing her away.