Sitting in a window booth at the Prescott Café, I was finishing my third cup of coffee and powering through a romance novel.
“Hey.”
I looked up from my iPad to see Silas’s warm brown eyes looking back. It was the first time we’d seen each other since he’d shared my Chinese food a few days ago.
He wasn’t making it easy on me, this friendship thing. Not when he looked like that on a Monday morning. His black, long-sleeve T-shirt showcased his lean frame. His jeans clung to his hipbones, and I bet if I lifted up the hem of his shirt, I’d get a peek at the muscled V that disappeared beneath his waistband.
“Hi.” I dabbed the corner of my mouth for any drool. “What are you up to?”
“Meeting Jess and Beau here for breakfast. You?”
“Just loading up on coffee and calories before the moving truck gets here in a few hours.”
The bell on the door caught my attention as Jess and Beau Holt walked into the restaurant.
I’d forgotten that Maisy’s older brother, Beau, was so big. Jess and Silas were about the same height, each with broad shoulders and strong frames. Jess carried more bulky muscle, whereas Silas was slightly leaner, and neither man would ever be considered small.
Beau Holt dwarfed them both.
He had filled out considerably since high school and now reminded me of the mountains that bordered Jamison Valley. Beau was solid and unwavering. With the addition of his thick, brown beard, he looked nothing like my former classmate.
As I slid out of my booth, my jeans squeaked against the navy vinyl. “Good morning.” I gave my brother a quick hug and then smiled up at Beau. “Hi there, stranger.”
“Heard you were back.” He grinned and bent to give me a brief kiss on the cheek. “It’s been a long time.”
“It sure has. I think you’ve doubled in size,” I teased as his wide chest shook with a deep chuckle.
“Mind if we join you?” Jess asked.
“Please do.” I gestured toward the seats as I slid back into the booth.
When Silas slid into the bench seat at my side, I realized my mistake. His thigh was pressed tightly against mine. His soothing leather scent wafted my way and I found myself taking a long, deep breath. I was completely turned on.
Letting them share my booth had been a bad decision. A very, very bad decision. Clearly one carafe of coffee was not enough for me to think rationally at this time of day. There was no way I could be squished up against Silas’s side like this for an entire meal without him noticing my quickened breaths and clenched thighs.
Sexual-tension issues aside, the booths at the café could comfortably hold four people. Four normal-sized people. Not me plus three brutes.
“Maybe we should move to a table? You two look like sardines smashed together over there.” I hoped that Jess and Beau would agree. The center of the room was filled with square tables and if we switched seats, Silas and I would at least have a corner between us.
“We’re good,” Jess said.
Damn.
Silas flagged down the waitress and we all ordered the cook’s famous breakfast hash before we started chatting. “You said your movers are getting here today?”
“Yeah. Probably around ten. I already checked out of the motel so I’ll be ready when they pull in.”
“Need any help?” Jess asked.
“Nope. This crew I hired is amazing. They pack everything up for you, haul it over and then unload it too. They’ll even set up my furniture. All I will have to do is unpack the boxes.”
“Where are—” Silas was interrupted when my phone rang on the table between us. He looked down and shoved it toward me.
My lip curled and I growled at the sight of Tyson’s name. “Sorry,” I muttered before declining the call. I really needed to change his contact picture. It was an old selfie of me kissing his cheek.
“What were you saying?” I asked Silas.
“Nothing,” he clipped. His jaw was clenched and his nostrils were flaring.
“What’s wrong with you?” Jess asked him.
“Headache. I need coffee.” He grabbed the empty carafe and stomped up to the counter.
I guess he didn’t like that picture much either. Whatever. By the time Silas returned, he seemed to have found a better mood and I was able to relax again. Well, kind of relax. His leg was still firmly touching mine.
We all visited while waiting for our food and it was nice to catch up with Beau. I learned he worked for the Forest Service and was the head of Jamison Valley’s Search and Rescue team. Conversation quieted once our food arrived and we commenced shoveling.
“Want to come over for dinner tonight?” Jess asked as the waitress cleared our emptied plates.
“Thanks, but I’ve got plans. Jack and Annie invited me over.”
“You’re good with that?” he asked. He knew how hard it would be for me to set foot on the Drummond farm.
I shrugged. “I guess we’ll find out.”
“Okay. Call if you need anything. I gotta get to the station.”
“Yeah. I’ve got to get going too,” Beau said. “Good to see you, Felicity. Don’t be a stranger.”
I waved good-bye and waited for Silas to slide out too but he stayed firm at my side.
“Did you ever tell Jess about what happened?” he asked quietly.
I shook my head. “No. Did you?”
“You asked me not to.” He stood from the seat and pulled on his baseball hat. “You sure you don’t need any help moving?”
“I’m sure. Thanks, though.”
“Okay. Have a good one,” he said with a quick nod.
“Silas?” I called before he could go too far. “Thanks for not telling Jess. I know it wasn’t fair of me to ask you to keep those secrets, but I appreciate that you did.”
“You’re welcome.” Before he walked out the door, he tossed me a smile.
Hottest friend ever.
“Dinner was delicious. You’ve perfected the recipe,” I told Annie.
“Oh, thanks, Lissy. It’s so nice to have you back so I can make it again. Jack never has liked marsala sauce.”
“He’s more of the beer-batter type,” I joked and set another stack of dishes by the sink.
She laughed. “Isn’t that the truth?”
Besides complimenting her dinner, I didn’t know what else to say so I just stood against the kitchen counter and stayed quiet. Should I help load the dishwasher? Or wipe down the table? It never used to be this awkward at the Drummond farm, but then again, I’d had Wes by my side.
I’d carefully avoided mentioning his name all night, not wanting to dive into the past until we’d been reacquainted, but Jack and Annie had been nervous too, so we’d spent the majority of our meal discussing the weather.
“Um, Mason seems great.” I could only compare him to Rowen but he seemed like a nice enough little boy. And he had the cutest dimple.
“He’s a real joy,” Annie said as she rinsed a plate.
Glancing over my shoulder into the dining room, I made sure Annie and I were alone. “What’s his story?”
“That little boy had a rough start to his life.” She sighed, abandoning the dishes to hand me my glass of wine and lean against the counter too. “His mom got sent to prison so he was placed here in Prescott to live with his aunt. When he started school, his teacher noticed he was being neglected. No showers. No clothes. No food.”
“That’s awful. It’s a good thing the teacher was paying attention.”
“It sure is. Mason’s aunt was mixed up with a bad crowd. One thing led to another and Jess asked if we’d keep him here for a bit. After two days, Jack and I both knew we couldn’t let him go, so we got Mason’s mother to relinquish her rights and we adopted him.”
“It’s amazing that you’d take him in.” Jack and Annie weren’t old but they had been empty nesters for quite some time. Taking in a young boy was a huge sacrifice on their part.
“He’s a sweet boy. He deserves a chance and we can give him that.”
“Why is the mother in prison?”
“Prostitution. Drugs.” Her shoulders fell at the mention of drugs.
Wes had been Jack and Annie’s only child. He’d developed a meth addiction as a young man and never stopped using. Eventually he’d become the predominant meth producer in Jamison Valley and had been murdered by a rival drug dealer.
I stood awkwardly by Annie’s side, unsure of what to say, until she broke the silence. “Sometimes I feel like we’re getting a second chance. To do a better job with Mason than we did with Wes.”
“You can’t blame yourself for Wes’s choices.” The person to blame was me.
“I know you’re right but it’s hard to accept. He came here one night, about a month before he was . . .” She trailed off and didn’t finish her sentence, not that she needed to. The next word was “murdered.” “He was different that night. Reflective. He actually said that he was thinking about getting help.”
My chest squeezed painfully tight. A month before Wes had died was about the same time that he’d called and left me a message. Hearing his voice after fourteen years had caught me so off guard that I hadn’t called him back immediately. By the time I’d found the courage to do so, he’d been gone.
“That was the first time I’d ever heard him admit he had a problem,” Annie said. “I had my hopes up.”
I’d regretted not calling him, but until now, I hadn’t realized how much of a mistake I’d made by blowing him off. Maybe together with Jack and Annie, the three of us could have convinced Wes to go to rehab. Maybe he’d still be alive.
My throat started to burn and tears pricked my eyes. Damn it. All I’d had to do was pick up the phone.
Annie shook her head and turned back to the sink. “Thank you. It helps me to talk about him. Jack and I do sometimes but it’s different with you. You knew him better than anyone at one point.”
I just smiled, unsure of what else to say. I had known Wes. I knew that he hadn’t really wanted to become a farmer but had felt trapped by his parents’ expectations. I knew that he had mood swings worse than any person I’d ever met, but with me, he’d always tried his hardest to be a sweetheart. I knew the only times he’d treated me badly were when he’d been on drugs. And I knew exactly how he’d started doing those drugs in the first place.
Because of me.
“Enough of the sadness,” Annie said as she started loading the dishwasher again. “Tonight was about spending time with you. Tell me about your life.”
Before I could answer, Mason came bounding into the kitchen. “Do you want to see my room?”
“Um, sure.” Ten minutes later, I had been given an impressively thorough tour of Mason’s room.
“All right, kid,” Jack said from Mason’s doorway. “Time to take your shower and get ready for bed.”
“Yes!” Mason cheered and ran out of the room.
“He loves baths and showers,” Jack said. “I think it’s because he rarely had them before he came here. Some days he’ll ask if he can take two.”
“It’s really something, what you’re doing with him. He’s lucky to have found you.”
“I think we’re the lucky ones.” He smiled and followed Mason toward the bathroom.
After picking up the toys that Mason had taken out to show me, I wandered down the hallway of the Drummonds’ long rambler. Next to Mason’s room was the room that had been Wes’s.
I peeked inside and was relieved to see that Jack and Annie had taken down everything from Wes’s childhood. The room was now a guest bedroom. The only thing that remained was an old dresser that Wes had covered with stickers. On its top were a handful of small framed photos.
My fingers skimmed the stickers as I inspected the pictures. One was of Wes, Silas and Jess as young boys. The three of them were playing football in the snow. A couple of the other pictures were of them as teenagers. One was a photo that I’d taken when we’d all gone swimming at the Jamison River in high school.
A larger photo at the back was of me and Wes at my senior prom. He’d given me such grief about the prom because he’d been a couple years older and hadn’t wanted to go back to a high school dance. But he’d come despite his protests, looking as handsome as ever in his black suit and an emerald-green tie that had matched my one-shouldered dress. There hadn’t been much that Wes wouldn’t have done for me back then.
That was the problem, though, wasn’t it? He’d done too much for me.
The last picture on the dresser was one taken in this very room. Wes had tackled me onto his bed and tickled me. His light-brown eyes had sparkled as he’d looked down at my laughing face. A lock of his chestnut hair had fallen across his forehead.
The moment my hand picked up the frame, a lead weight settled in my stomach. The guilt and pain were so heavy that I stumbled backward until my knees hit the bed and I sank onto the mattress.
The night that picture had been taken was the night that everything had changed.
Fall, sixteen and a half years earlier . . .
“Andrea!” I shouted. “Give me back my camera.”
She giggled and tossed it on the bed, running out of Wes’s bedroom.
His parents were out of town at some fall farming convention, so he’d invited a few people over to hang out and drink. A couple of my girlfriends were here, along with some guys that had graduated but hadn’t gone away to college. Like Wes and Silas, they’d stayed in Prescott to work on their parents’ farms and ranches.
“Having fun?” I asked Wes.
“Yeah. You?”
I nodded. “So I have this crazy idea. I kind of want to try something wild.”
“I like wild.” He grinned and pressed his hips further into mine.
I giggled. “Down, boy. We can do that kind of wild later. I was talking about something else. Danny brought some meth to smoke and said it was really fun. I kinda wanted to try getting high. What do you think?”
“What?” He jerked back, all of his playfulness gone. “No, Lissy. You’re not doing drugs.”
“Oh, come on. It would just be this once, just to see what it’s like.”
“It’s too dangerous, darlin’. You’re not doing it.”
“Please? You’d be with me and could make sure I was safe. It will be like the first time I got drunk. You made sure nothing bad happened and held my hair back when I got sick.” I gave him my best pout and sad-puppy-dog eyes.
“Christ. Don’t look at me like that. You know I can’t say no.”
I smiled. “So that’s a yes?”
“How about this? Let me try it first. Then I’ll know what to expect. If I think it’s safe, you can try it later. Okay?”
“You hate drugs, Wes. I don’t want you to do it just for me.”
He buried his face in my neck. “It’s just this one time. I’ve seen the guys do it before and it isn’t that big of a deal.”
I wrapped my arms around his shoulders. “Okay. Deal. Let’s pinky promise that we’ll both just do it once.”
He lifted up and looped his pinky finger with mine. “Promise.”
Raising my head off the pillow, I brushed my lips to his.
“Love you,” he whispered.
“Love you too.”
Hours later, my pinky promise was unnecessary because I’d vowed never to do drugs.
My gentle, sweet and loving boyfriend had turned into an arrogant asshole and this party had become a nightmare.
“Stop it, Wes. You’re being a jerk!” I shouted.
We were all partying in the basement and playing darts. I had been trying to ignore Wes’s disgusting, asshat comments but this last one was over the top. He had just announced to the entire room that I didn’t have enough sex with him.
“Hey, darlin’, I’m just being honest. I’m a hot commodity around Jamison County. You don’t want some other girl moving in on your territory just because you’re being a prude.”
“Wes,” Silas said. “Too far.”
“Fuck you, Grant. Stay the fuck out of it. This is between Lissy and me. She’s my girlfriend.”
“She isn’t going to be your anything for much longer if you don’t stop being a dick. You think you’re so hot you can get any girl? Let’s see how you do after I cool you off.” I threw my glass of ice water in his face.
“Fuck!” Wes yelled.
“And for the record, I faked it last night. I’m leaving. Don’t call me tomorrow.” I poked my finger in his chest and then turned to the stairs.
The room erupted in snickers, but I ignored it all, stomping up the stairs with my fists balled tight. I had just cleared the front door when I heard Silas behind me.
“Felicity! Wait!”
I stopped running when I got to the sidewalk and realized that I was stranded. “Damn it!” I yelled into the dark night. “I don’t have a car.”
Silas reached my side and slung an arm around my shoulders. “Come on. I’ll take you home.” He led me to his big, black truck and helped me hop in.
“Can you just take me somewhere else for a while? I don’t want to go home. I’ll just have to explain everything to Mom.”
“Sure. Where did you tell her you were going tonight?”
“Andrea’s.” I turned and stared out my window, so angry I wanted to cry. “That was humiliating. How could he do that to me?”
I hated crying in front of people, but this was just Silas so I let the tears fall.
What a monumentally stupid idea. I should never have made that deal with Wes. When his eyes had turned glassy after those first few hits, I had known that it had been a mistake. That my Wes had disappeared. And then everything had just gotten worse and worse.
But at least it was only this once. He’d never break his promise and try meth again.
“Don’t cry. He’ll sober up.” Silas took my hand in his.
“He better or I’m dumping him.”
By the time we pulled off into an empty campground overlooking the river, my eyes were dry and I could take in the view. Moonlight shimmered on the rippling water. The light dusting of snow on the riverbanks was glittering. The serene setting was just what I’d needed to feel better. Somehow Silas had known the perfect place to bring me.
“Sorry,” I said. “I’m really glad you were there tonight.”
“You don’t have to apologize. I’m just glad Jess is at the academy. He would have beat the piss out of Wes for what he said to you. I was about five seconds from doing it myself.”
“Please don’t tell Jess.” I turned on the bench seat and begged. “Please, please, Silas. He’ll freak out.” Adding my brother’s temper to the mix would make everything worse. He’d go ballistic and demand I tell him the whole story. I’d never be able to lie and he’d hate me if he knew I’d been wanting to try drugs. Then he’d be livid that Wes had done it instead and then they’d get in a fight. Jess could not find out about this. “Please, Silas.”
His jaw locked tight but he gave me a short nod.
I sighed. “Thank you.”
I kicked off my shoes, pulling my knees to my chest, and pointed my eyes back to the river. We both watched it flow as country music played softly on the radio.
“I’m sorry for wrecking your night,” I said.
“You didn’t wreck my night.”
“Sure I did. Andrea was hanging all over you tonight. You totally could have scored.”
He made a sour face. “I don’t want Andrea.”
“Oh, is there somebody else?”
He blew out a long breath before muttering, “Yeah. There’s somebody else.”
“What? Who?” I was shocked.
Silas had always been one for the casual flings and I’d never seen him seriously interested in a girl. If he was actually crushing on someone, that was a major development. Maybe if I knew who this girl was, the unexpected twinge of jealousy stuck in my side would go away.
“Not telling.”
“What? You can’t do that to me. Tell me. Tell me right now.” I started shaking his shoulder.
He laughed and pushed me away. “Knock it off and maybe one day I’ll tell you.”
“Don’t make me wait. Please tell me.”
He shook his head. “Nope.”
“You really won’t tell me who this mystery girl is? Even if I crossed my heart, my fingers, my toes and my eyes, swearing not to tell a soul for the rest of my life?”
He laughed as I tried to cross everything. “You’re going to hurt yourself. No, I won’t tell you. That secret’s mine for now, Felicity.” That was his final answer.
“Okay, fine.” I pouted but knew I’d pester it out of him eventually. We went back to watching the river until a random thought popped in my head. “You know, I’ve always wondered. Why don’t you call me ‘Lissy’ like everyone else?”
“You don’t like that nickname.”
My eyes widened and my chin fell. “What? You noticed that?”
“It’s hard not to notice you.” His eyes were pointed at the river and I couldn’t quite read him.
“Oh.” I studied his profile for a moment before looking to my lap. There was something behind his tone but I wasn’t sure what to call it. I’d never heard Silas talk like that before, all gentle and soft.
We sat quietly again and I started yawning. “I’m tired.” The clock on the dash read 2:41 a.m. “Can I lay down for a while?”
“Sure.” He reached into the back and pulled out a flannel blanket. “Here you go.”
I stretched out as best I could in the cramped space and ended up with my head on his thigh. “Is this okay?” I asked, looking up into his eyes. Silas’s eyes were always so warm and smooth. Like chocolate frosting on freshly baked cake.
“Yeah. It’s okay.”
“Will you talk to me about something?”
“About what?”
I didn’t care. Anything. His voice was so pretty, all manly and deep, I’d be happy to listen as he read the phonebook. “How about the ranch?”
“The Lucky Heart?”
“Yeah. Tell me what you love about it.” I snuggled further into his space and closed my eyes as he told me ideas he had for his family’s ranch. He spoke quietly but with passion, his soothing voice echoing in the truck, easing all my worries away. Just as I was drifting off to sleep, the brush of his fingertips lifted a chunk of fallen hair from my forehead.
“Get some sleep, Lis,” he said.
I smiled.
“Lissy” I didn’t like.
“Lis” I did.
I drifted off to sleep, thinking that Silas Grant just might know me better than anyone else.
A few hours later, I woke to angry voices outside his truck. He’d driven us back to the farm.
“You fucked up.”
“I know. Fuck. I was really out of it.”
“Don’t do it again,” Silas warned Wes.
“Never. I swear. Where’s my girlfriend?”
The door opened and I propped myself up to look into Wes’s apologetic face. “I’m mad at you.”
“I’m sorry. So fucking sorry.”
The sincerity written on his face weakened my resolve not to talk to him for a week. “You were so mean to me.”
“I know. I’m really fucking sorry.” I didn’t protest as he pulled me from the truck and cradled me in his arms. With his face buried in my hair, he apologized over and over. “Forgive me?”
“Forgiven. But no more drugs. Ever, Wes. You promised.”
“Right. No more drugs,” he said and started carrying me inside the house.
I looked over his shoulder at Silas and mouthed, “Thank you.”
He jerked up his chin but didn’t say a word. His frame was locked tight and he looked furious. But there was something else too. Pain, maybe? I couldn’t quite tell.
Along with that look, a mixture of new feelings swirled in my head.
I was confused about the boy I was dating, and the man standing outside that boy’s house.
Tears flooded my eyes as I clutched the picture to my chest. The guilt was so crippling and painful, I rocked back and forth to keep from getting sick.
The promises Wes had made me that night had all been shattered. He’d gotten addicted to the high and had never stopped using. For months, he’d managed to hide it from me and his family, but then it had started to dominate his life and he hadn’t been able to keep it a secret any longer. By the time I had graduated from high school that spring, he’d become a different person.
Wes’s drug addiction had been my fault. If I had never suggested doing something wild, he never would have started using. He never would have been cooking and selling meth. He never would have been stabbed by a rival drug dealer.
He never would have died.
This would have been his house. He would have been working the farm. Jack and Annie would have grandkids by now and be traveling the world like they’d always dreamed for their retirement. Instead, their dreams had been shattered too.
A cry escaped my mouth and I slapped a hand over my lips to contain the ones that followed.
“Oh, Lissy.” Jack rushed to my side. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pulled me into his chest. “It’s okay. Let it out.”
His comfort just made the cries come faster. I didn’t deserve his pity. He had lost his son because of me and I had been a coward for years, never fessing up. He deserved to know that I was the one to blame and that he couldn’t pin it all on Wes.
“I’m so sorry, Jack.”
“Let’s not go there. Not tonight. We’ll get to that one day. Or maybe we won’t. It doesn’t matter now.”
“But it does. I—”
“Hush now.” I leaned back and looked into his eyes. They were brimming with tears. “I’ve made peace with it all, Lissy. Someday, you will too. For now, let’s just remember how much we loved Wes and leave the rest as history. But you keep that picture, okay?”
I nodded and leaned in for another hug with the frame sandwiched between us. Jack wasn’t ready to hear about the past, and if I was honest with myself, I wasn’t ready for the truth to come out. Not yet.
It would, soon enough.
“He loved you so much.”
Jack’s words only made the pain in my chest burn hotter.
“I loved him too,” I whispered. Just not enough. If I had truly loved Wes, I never would have broken his heart.