The minute I got home from the bar, I changed into my most comfortable sweats, climbed into bed, pulled the covers over my head and burrowed in deep.
Doubt filled my mind.
Why was I putting myself through so much grief? I could be back in Seattle in a day. I could just turn back and leave. Was this really the right place for me?
Yes.
This was hard, but I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t see this through.
My family deserved my commitment. Silas deserved an explanation. I had only been home for two weeks and I wouldn’t let one bad night chase me away. Setbacks were bound to happen on my journey but I’d keep moving forward.
I would not run. Not again.
I was not my father.
Hank Cleary had been a coward. When I’d been six, he’d moved to Billings without much of an explanation. Jess and I theorized that he’d gotten tired of caring for Mom. Regardless, his leaving had broken our mother’s heart and made Jess the head of our house at eight years old.
I hardly remembered Hank now. He could pass me on the street and I wouldn’t recognize him. He had been forgotten. Unfortunately, the damage he’d caused wasn’t as easy to erase.
Over twenty-five years later, Mom’s heart was still broken, Jess had a compulsive need to be in charge, and I was still trying to shed my mask of indifference.
It wasn’t an easy task.
I had spent far too long learning to guard my heart. I was a master at pretending I was fine on my own. I was famous for striking back with attitude whenever I felt pain. And I had become an expert at leaving others before they could leave me.
Now that one was ironic.
Spring. Sixteen years earlier . . .
“Silas?”
“Yeah?” His voice was rough with sleep.
“Can you come get me?”
“Where are you?” he asked as clothes rustled in the background.
“At the farm. Out by the old green barn.”
“You okay?”
“No.” My chest heaved and the angry tears flowed freely now.
“Hold tight. I’ll be right there,” he said, slamming the door of his truck. “What happened?”
I took a calming breath and wiped the tears away. “Wes wanted to have a bonfire. He said it could be my pre-graduation party except he invited all of these random people and none of my friends. Then this group of guys came and they gave me the creeps.”
“Who were they?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never seen them before. But one of them brought some meth. And Wes . . .” I trailed off as my emotions swelled again.
“Lis,” Silas said gently, “take another breath.”
My whole body shook as I pulled in some air. “He’s been doing drugs this whole time and hiding it from me. Ever since that first night. These guys that came were his druggie friends.”
“Fuck,” Silas hissed.
Wes had been acting strange lately, distant and grouchy. I had thought it was because I’d been talking about leaving Prescott for college and he was bitter that I might actually escape. Nope. It had been because he’d been trying to hide his drug habit. “We got in this big fight and I tried to leave but he wouldn’t give me his keys.”
“Where is he?”
“Still at the bonfire. I came into the barn to call you. I can’t believe this is happening.”
“Just breathe,” Silas said. “I’m on the highway. Ten more minutes and you’re out of there.”
If Silas was ten minutes away, he was flying down the road. The Drummond farm was miles outside of Prescott in the opposite direction from the Grants’ ranch and the drive normally took half an hour.
“This is all my fault,” I whispered. Wes wasn’t completely to blame. He’d only ever tried meth because last fall I had wanted to do something wild and crazy.
“It’s not. This was his choice.”
My angry tears came back as I wished that statement were true.
Just as I heard the sound of an approaching truck, Silas said, “I’m here,” and disconnected. I wiped away the tears and hurried out the barn door, rushing straight toward the truck.
But before I could escape this horrible night, two arms banded around my stomach and hauled me backward.
“There you are,” Wes said. “Don’t hide from me.”
“Let me go.” I pushed at his arms but they didn’t budge.
“Let her go.” The headlights of Silas’s truck illuminated his tall body coming our way.
“Did you call him?” Wes asked.
“Yes, I called him! I told you I wanted to leave and you wouldn’t let me. Now let go!” I picked up my foot and kicked it backward straight into his shin.
“Fuck!” He released me to clutch his injured leg. “You fucking bitch!”
“Fuck you!” I yelled back.
Silas was on top of Wes in an instant. With one hard shove, he sent Wes flying backward and onto his ass. “You’re a fool, Drummond. You’re really going to throw away the best thing in your life to get high?”
Wes looked up and sneered. “Fuck you. You’re just trying to move in on what’s mine. Don’t think I’ve missed how you look at her.”
What? How did he look at me? My eyes traveled back and forth between them as I tried to make sense of their conversation.
“You’re probably already fucking him. Aren’t you?” Wes asked me.
“What?” I gasped. “What are you talking about?”
He pushed himself up off the ground. “Fucking me wasn’t enough so you had to start in on my friends too?”
Ouch. I didn’t have a sharp comeback for that one. His accusation hurt too much for me to keep my wit. “Wes,” I whispered, “how could you say that?”
“Whatever, Lissy. Go ahead. Leave with him. A couple of the girls by the fire were eyeing me earlier. I’ll just get what I need from one of them instead.”
Silas’s fist flew like a hammer, plowing into Wes’s jaw and knocking him out cold.
I just stood there, frozen, staring at Wes’s motionless body until Silas stepped into my line of sight.
“You okay?” he asked.
I shook my head before letting it fall against his chest. His big arms wrapped me up tight and I clutched the sides of his white T-shirt, stunned and speechless at what had just happened.
When I found the right thing to say, I pushed away from Silas and glared at the still knocked-out Wes. “We’re over.” He couldn’t hear me, but I had to say it. He’d just thrown four years together into the trash.
“Come on.” Silas grabbed my hand and pulled me to his truck, helping me inside before jogging around to the driver’s seat and climbing up. With one hand on the steering wheel and the other holding mine, he drove me off the farm.
“Do you want to go home?” he asked as we got close to Prescott.
“No. Take me anywhere but home.”
It was only eleven o’clock and Mom thought I was spending the night at Andrea’s again. I’d give her a couple more hours to fall into a deep sleep, then sneak in through my bedroom window.
Silas drove through town and into the countryside. In the distance, moonlight limned the wooden archway that marked the entrance to his ranch.
“Come on,” Silas said after he’d parked.
I hopped out of the truck and followed him alongside the barn. Its golden wood paneling must have been retouched not too long ago because every few steps, I got a whiff of the drying stain. We rounded the back corner and walked to a green door at the center of the building.
“This is where you live?” I’d assumed he was still living with his parents.
“Yeah. I’ve been slowly fixing it up. It’s not much right now but it will be someday.”
I followed him down a hallway to where the small barn apartment opened up into a wide but short space. Above us was an open wooden platform.
“Are you going to put in stairs?” The only access to the upstairs loft was by the tall blue ladder leaning against the wall.
“Yeah. They’ll go along that back wall of the living room. I’m putting in some windows up there first.”
In the middle of the living room space was a mattress and a pile of blankets sitting on the bare floor. The only furniture in the room was one old couch pointed at a TV, which rested on a stack of wooden crates.
Silas had been right. It wasn’t much but I could definitely see its potential.
“Want something to drink?” he asked.
“Water, please.”
I plopped down onto the couch while he grabbed a couple water bottles from the fridge. Next to me was a stack of scattered papers and brochures.
“What’s all this?” I asked, picking up one of the pamphlets. My eyes zeroed in on the U.S. Army logo.
“Oh, uh, just an idea.” He handed me my water and sat on the opposite end of the couch.
“The army? You’re going into the military?”
“Maybe. I’ve been thinking about it.”
“What about the ranch?” Silas had always planned on running the place and taking over for his parents. If he went into the military, what would happen here?
“Dad and I haven’t been seeing eye to eye lately. It might do me some good to get out of Prescott for a while.”
“You could go to college. You’re so smart it would probably be a breeze.”
“Nah. Sitting in a classroom isn’t for me. I like the idea of serving my country.”
“How long would you be gone?”
“I don’t know. Three or four years.”
That seemed like a lifetime. Where would I be when he came home? What if he didn’t come home at all? The idea of something happening to Silas had my stomach churning.
“Is it dangerous?” I asked.
He took a long drink before answering honestly. “Yeah. It could be but the world is pretty quiet right now. My recruiter said it would be an opportunity for me to see the world. Maybe get stationed in Europe for a year or two.”
So much was changing. I was lost trying to understand it all. I was graduating in a week. Wes was nearly unrecognizable. And now all this?
These last six months, Silas had become my closest friend. He was my confidant and advisor. With him, I didn’t have to pretend to be perfect. I didn’t have to hide when I felt scared or unsure. What would I do if he was halfway across the world? I couldn’t fathom the idea of living in Prescott without him.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
I stared blankly at the TV. “I feel numb.”
“Come sit on the floor.”
“Why?”
“Trust me.”
I immediately shifted to the space between his feet, sitting cross-legged. Besides my brother, I trusted Silas more than anyone else, even Wes. Silas had always been honest with me, and whenever I needed someone to lean on, he was there.
His hands came to my shoulders and gently kneaded the knots away before moving into my hair. His fingertips delivered just the right amount of pressure to my scalp. They circled around, over and over, and with every passing second, the tension left my body.
“Holy hell. That’s amazing.” No one had ever given me a scalp massage before.
“Feel better?”
I hummed. How did he do that? Just an hour ago I thought my world was over, but now strength suffused my very bones. It was like I was drawing it from him.
We sat in silence as he finished with my hair and went back to my shoulders. His touch was relaxing but there was something else there too. My belly was full of butterflies and my skin had goose bumps. Desire and heat throbbed at my core.
Was I turned on?
Definitely.
How had I missed this? How had I blocked out this connection with Silas? Probably because I had been so worried about my relationship with Wes. Maybe because I was scared at what it would mean.
I had been mentally replaying Wes’s comments from earlier. Most of them were garbage except for the one about the way that Silas looked at me. That one was hard to dismiss.
“Silas, who’s your mystery girl?” I whispered. We hadn’t talked about her since that night by the river and he’d never told me her name.
His hands stilled. “You really don’t know?”
My heart started racing. His question was like a light switch. Everything that I had shoved into the dark corners of my mind was now glowing brightly.
Of course I knew.
It had been me for a long time.
“Now what?” I asked.
“Whatever you want.”
I pushed off the floor and stood above him. He sat wide open and vulnerable. The feelings he’d always masked, or I had ignored, were fully exposed. His brown eyes were locked with mine, full of longing. Of hope and love.
Whatever I want.
I wanted to find out if this was real, if my feelings for him were more than just friendship. I wanted him to kiss me.
I climbed onto his lap, my legs straddling his, and threaded my fingers through his hair. He sucked in a short breath right before my lips touched his. I started kissing him, gently and softly, but the moment my mouth fell open and my tongue touched his, the slow exploration became a frantic search for more.
His arms wrapped tightly around my back as he crushed me against his body. I sank further into his lap and his hardness pressed against my core. That friction, that glorious friction, ignited me like striking a match. My fingers clawed down his back, grabbing at the hem of his shirt and pulling it up.
But before I could rip it off, his mouth tore away from mine. “Lis, wait,” he panted. “Are you sure?”
One kiss and I had fallen apart. We had something here. Something more powerful than I’d ever felt before.
My forehead fell against his and I nodded. “I’m sure.”
“I don’t want this just because of what happened with Wes tonight.”
I leaned back so he could see the sincerity on my face. “It’s not. You said whatever I want, and I want this. Maybe I’ve wanted this for a lot longer than I let myself admit.”
His hands came up to smooth away the hair that had fallen into my face. “This will change everything.”
“It’s already changed,” I whispered. “And I don’t want to go back.”
I reached down and grabbed the bottom of my shirt, dragging it up slowly before whipping it off my head. Then I went back to the hem of his T-shirt, easing it up and off until it flew to the floor next to mine.
The sight of a shirtless Silas stole my breath away. My fingers traced the lines of his chest and stomach, dipping into the valleys between the muscled peaks.
“You’re stunning.” He trailed his fingers across my collarbone and down my shoulder.
“You’re not so bad yourself.” I whistled a catcall as a wide smile stretched across his face.
God, that smile.
“Kiss me,” I ordered.
His lips touched mine, then broke away, again and again until he had claimed every part of them as his. Finally, he welded his mouth with mine and let his tongue claim the rest.
His hands unclasped my bra and tossed it to the floor before his chiseled arms banded around my back and he picked me up off the couch. With my legs wrapped around his hips and my arms over his shoulders, he walked us to his makeshift bed on the floor.
He sank to his knees, gently laying me down, and covered my body with his.
Chest to chest, the power of his heart thundered against mine as he made love to me. Its rhythm set my blood on a new course, one that flowed in his direction, the right direction, with a precise pulse. Like a clockmaker setting a watch to its flawless rhythm.
Hours later, we held tight to one another as time ticked by and into a new day.
“Are you okay?” he asked. I was draped across his chest as his fingers traced patterns on my bare back.
Was I? So much had happened tonight it was hard to make sense of much. But even with all the conflicting emotions swirling in my head, I didn’t feel lost or hopeless. Tomorrow, I would face the consequences of my actions. So would Wes. But tonight, I was safe here with Silas.
“Yeah. I’m okay.”
“That’s my Lis.”
I smiled against his bare chest. He had more faith and confidence in me than I had in myself. I turned my head so I could kiss his heart, then laid my cheek back down and drifted off to sleep.
I woke to the sound of a broken heart.
“Lissy?”
Shielding my eyes from the streaming sunlight, I sat up. Wes was standing in Silas’s living room, staring at me with shock and horror. One side of his face was swollen and red from where Silas had punched him.
I pushed up from Silas’s chest and clutched the sheet to cover my breasts. Silas rolled over and snagged his jeans from the floor. As he stood to pull them up, I did my best to get off of the mattress while keeping myself covered.
“How could you?” Wes asked.
I opened my mouth to respond but stopped when I saw that he wasn’t talking to me. He was asking Silas.
“Me?” Silas said. “This isn’t on me.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Wes shouted. “How is you fucking my girlfriend my fault?”
“Do you even remember what you said to her last night?”
Wes’s hands balled into fists and the muscles in Silas’s arms flexed tight.
Any minute, these two were going to start fighting. And over what, me? The girl who’d pushed her boyfriend into drugs. The same girl who couldn’t wait to sleep with her boyfriend’s best friend until officially breaking off the relationship.
Shame washed over me.
In the light of day, I saw myself for what I really was: the cheating bitch that Wes had accused me of being.
I didn’t regret having sex with Silas, but I should have waited. It wasn’t fair of me to do that to Wes or to Silas.
“This is my fault, Wes. Not his.”
“Lis—” Silas started.
“It was wrong.” When I cut him off, his whole body winced.
I opened my mouth to explain but Wes spoke up first.
“I’ll never forgive you for this. Either of you.” He turned and walked down the hallway but before he opened the door, he swung back around. The glare aimed at me was full of hatred. “No matter what I said to you last night, I didn’t deserve this. You were the only one, Lissy. I loved you.”
Tears flooded my eyes, but before I could apologize, he slammed the door behind him.
Four years. Wes had been mine for four years. He’d been my first everything, and I had just tainted all of our wonderful memories with betrayal.
Silas’s chest pressed against my back as he held me while I cried.
“Will you take me home?” I asked when I’d run out of tears.
“Yeah.” He let me go and I hurried to get dressed.
The drive back to town wasn’t slow and steady. It was rushed and angry.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean that we were wrong. I just mean that we should have waited and—”
“It’s okay. I get it.” His jaw was clenched tight and his fingers were white-knuckled on the steering wheel.
“Do you? Because you’re driving like a mad man. Silas, I don’t regret last night. I just wish I had ended it with Wes first.”
His frame instantly relaxed and he eased off the gas. “You’re probably right.” He grabbed a hand from my lap, bringing it to his lips for a kiss.
“Now what?”
“Whatever you want.”
I knew what I had wanted last night. But now? Things were harder to make sense of. The magic of last night had been tainted.
“He’ll never let us be,” I said. “You know how he is.”
Wes was fiercely stubborn, and when hurt, he had a mean streak. The only time it had ever been aimed at me was when he’d been high. But now that he considered Silas and me his enemies, he’d be vicious.
“He’ll get over it eventually,” Silas said.
“What about the army?”
“I haven’t enlisted. I could stay.”
“I don’t want you to give that up for me. You should enlist. And I want to get out of Prescott too. Maybe live in a city for a while.”
He let go of my hand and combed it through his hair. “What are you saying, Lis?”
“I just don’t want you to regret staying here because of me.”
“I wouldn’t regret it. If you want to go away to school, live in a city, then I’ll wait. Or go with you. I don’t know. Do we really have to figure that all out right now?”
“No.” Yes.
I was graduating in a week. I wanted to start living my own life. Had I just jumped from one serious relationship to another? Was I becoming one of those pathetic girls, completely dependent on the boy in my life?
Chills traveled down my spine. No. I would not turn into my mother. I had to make it on my own. I wasn’t ready to depend on Silas, or anyone, to make me happy.
I had to make it on my own, which meant this thing with Silas couldn’t continue. I had to stop this before it hurt us both, before I couldn’t let him go. Silas could see the world. I could escape Prescott.
And I had to make it on my own.
“When did Jess get back?” Silas asked, pulling me from my thoughts as he parked in front of my house.
“Huh?” I looked up to see Jess standing outside the front door. I jumped out of the truck and rushed straight into my brother’s arms.
“Hi,” he said.
“I missed you.”
Jess had been at community college and then the police academy for the last two years and didn’t get home to visit often. This trip could not have had better timing.
“Missed you too.” He engulfed me in a tight hug. “Wes came by an hour ago looking for you. He had quite the swollen face.”
“Yeah, I know. He found me.”
“Want to tell me what’s going on?”
I shook my head and hugged him tighter.
“Welcome back,” Silas said behind me.
I released Jess so he could shake Silas’s hand. “Glad to be back.”
“How long can you stay?” I asked.
“All week. I’ll head back after your graduation ceremony. Then a couple more weeks and I’ll be back for good. Figured this week I’d get all the paperwork squared away at the station so I can get deputized and start as soon as I get home.”
“It’ll be good to have you back,” Silas told him.
“Jess?” Mom called from inside.
“Let’s catch up later this week.” Jess waved at Silas before leaving us alone.
“Call me later?” Silas asked.
I nodded. “Okay.”
“Bye.” He waved and walked back to the truck.
“Silas?” I jogged after him. He turned just in time to catch me as I ran into his arms. “Bye,” I whispered, my heart cracking at the three-letter word.
He bent to kiss the top of my head. “I’ll see you later.”
No, he wouldn’t.
For a week, I ignored every one of Silas’s calls. When he came to the high school’s graduation ceremony, I ducked out the second after I walked off the stage. Then the next day, I packed up my car and drove to Seattle.
And cried the whole trip.
Time hadn’t dulled that memory in the slightest.
My scared eighteen-year-old self had let fear drive her away from Silas. I had been so terrified of depending on him that I’d run away. Running hadn’t been the answer but I had been too young to know better. I had acted like my father, a coward, totally focused on my own feelings.
I’d never even told Silas why.
Would he want my explanation now? In the few times that we’d spent together since Wes’s funeral, he’d never asked why I had left, but even if he didn’t want to hear my excuses, the least I could do was apologize.
I hadn’t apologized to Wes for that night and now I never could.
But I wasn’t going to miss my chance to atone with Silas.