Twenty. Twenty-one. Twenty-two.
Blink.
I was sitting in a living room chair that I had turned backward toward my windows. With my legs tucked under my rear, I stared into the dark city, counting how many seconds I could go without blinking.
I’d done my best to become invisible, and over the last six hours, most of the people in my apartment had forgotten I was sitting here. Behind me, a team of investigators was talking in hushed voices while others snapped countless pictures of the crime scene. An hour ago, the coroner had zippered Anton’s body in a bag and loaded it onto a squeaky cart that would wheel him to the morgue.
Through it all, my eyes stayed glued to the windows. Even though I was trying to block out conversation, my ears were still active and I listened to a couple of newcomers get an update.
“Are we taking her down to the station?”
“No. Agent Dalton says she stays here.”
“Has she been questioned?”
“I don’t know. I only got here a couple of hours ago.”
One man pushed out a loud breath. “That’s a lot of blood.”
“No shit. Bullet straight to the heart at close range. That fucker was dead before he hit the floor.”
A chill crept down my spine.
I killed a person today.
I had taken a life.
One tear slid down my cheek but I quickly swiped it away. I couldn’t cry. I wouldn’t cry. Not yet.
Somehow, I had managed to keep it together as I stood over Anton’s lifeless body with a gun in my hand. When Agent Mitchell had broken through my door, his gun drawn for an already neutralized threat, somehow I hadn’t panicked. And somehow, I hadn’t cracked when agents had photographed my white clothes streaked with blood before leaving me in my bathroom to strip them off into a plastic evidence bag.
Somehow, I was keeping it together. And I would keep keeping it together.
My breakdown would have to wait because Henry still had to take my official statement. He’d gotten a high-level recap earlier but then had to leave, promising to come back soon to go through everything again in detail.
Ignoring the men behind me, I went back to counting and staring until the mood in the room tensed.
“Have you finished processing the scene?” Henry demanded behind me.
“Uh, not yet.”
“Finish,” he ordered. “Now.” Shoes scuffled as people scurried. Henry came and crouched next to my chair, patting one of my knees. “How are you doing?”
I shrugged and unglued my eyes from the windows to look at his face. His forehead was creased with worry and his eyes were pleading for forgiveness.
“I’m so sorry, Sabrina.”
I shook my head. “It’s not your fault.” I didn’t blame Henry for any of this. If he had come inside and not gone out for pizza, Anton would have shot him. I was glad he hadn’t been here.
“It is my fault.”
I didn’t have the energy to convince him otherwise so I turned back to the window.
He sighed. “I’ve got to talk to a few people and then I’ll be back to get your official statement.”
“Okay.”
“Sorry, it’s going to take a while longer tonight.”
“It’s fine.” At least he’d arranged for me to stay here instead of taking me to a police station for questioning.
He patted my knee again and stood while I went back to staring. The sound of more clicking cameras filled the room, and I closed my eyes, resting my head against the back of the chair. A headache was coming on strong.
I stayed quiet, listening to the activity behind me and trying to rest my eyes while I lost all track of time.
A commotion in the outside hallway caught my attention but I kept my eyes closed.
“You can’t go in there. Sir! Stop! This is a crime scene! You can’t—”
“What’s going on out here?” Henry said, intervening.
“Where is she?”
My eyes flew open. I knew that deep voice.
I held my breath and waited, listening as heavy footsteps grew louder. When Beau knelt down in front of me, a sob escaped my throat. His big hands slid around my waist and he pulled me out of the chair, right into his lap on the floor. My arms clutched his shoulders and I buried my face in his neck, inhaling the smell that I had missed so much.
Now I could cry.
“I killed him,” I whispered, another sob working free.
“I know. Give it to me, angel.”
And I did.
Once the seal was broken, my tears flowed unrestrained. The breakdown I’d been holding back came rushing forward like an avalanche. I cried, hard, giving Beau all of my pain from tonight. Giving him all the heartbreak and anguish I’d felt these last seven months.
When my loud cries became muffled whimpers and sniffles, I unburied my face and looked into his beautiful eyes. He was a miracle. The one and only person who could pull me from this nightmare had appeared like my savior.
“How did you know?”
He jerked his chin behind me toward the door. “Henry called Felicity. Felicity called me.”
“And you came right here?”
He nodded. “I drove like hell to Bozeman and caught the last flight out.”
“How did you know where I was?”
“I didn’t but figured this was as good a place as any to start looking. I knew someone here could point me in the right direction.”
My head fell back into the crook of his neck. “Thank you.”
“I’ll always come if you need me, Sabrina. Never doubt that,” he whispered into my hair as his arms banded around me tighter.
Henry cleared his throat at our side and I reluctantly let go of Beau to stand. “I’m ready to take your statement.”
I nodded. “Okay. Here? Or do I have to go somewhere else?”
“We’ll do it here. Have a seat.”
Beau’s hand on the small of my back steered me to the couch. He sat first then pulled me down to his side, securing me firmly to his torso with an arm around my shoulders. I laced my fingers with his free hand and took a deep breath.
“Ready.” I nodded to Henry, who sat across from us.
Henry placed a small tape recorder on my coffee table. He spoke first, verbalizing the date, time and my name, then looked up to me. “Sabrina. Would you please walk me through the events that occurred around six o’clock this evening?”
My fingers gripped Beau’s tighter as I took one more fortifying breath and launched into the details of the attack. By the time I was done, the crease between Beau’s eyebrows was as deep and worried as I’d ever seen it.
Henry asked me a few more questions and then shut off the recorder. “Thanks, that’s all I need. I’m sorry we made you wait so long to finish this up. It’s been a busy night.” He raked a hand through his hair. “You should know, Viktor and Ivan Federov were murdered.”
I gasped at the same time Beau’s arm jerked. “What? What happened?”
“I can’t tell you much. We’ll release a statement tomorrow, but they were both killed in a riot at the prison this evening.”
“Russian hit?” Beau asked quietly.
Henry just nodded.
Anton had planned his escape the same day the Russians had planned their hit. His escape might have been thwarted if there hadn’t been that prison riot. The Russians would have killed him, not me. The coincidence was just . . . so fucking unfair.
“So that’s it?” I asked. “They’re all gone?”
“Yeah. They’re all gone.” Henry’s sad eyes were full of guilt. “I have a specialized cleaning crew coming in tomorrow, so you’ll have to stay out until Sunday. We’ll put you up in a hotel.”
“Okay.” I started to stand but Beau kept me on the couch.
“We’re not done, Dalton.” Beau’s voice was quiet but angry. “You said she’d be safe.”
“And I fucked up. I won’t make any excuses. I fucked up and I’ll always be sorry. I should have put her in WITSEC.” Henry’s eyes left Beau’s and came to mine. “I’m sorry, Sabrina. This never should have happened. What can I do?”
Killing Anton had been my only choice but maybe if I had more of the facts, it would help me make sense of all that had happened tonight. “I’d like to know how Anton got in here.”
“Okay.” Henry looked up at an agent with a camera, hovering by the door. “Are you all done?”
“Yes, sir. Is there anything else you’d like us to finish?”
“No. I’ll escort Ms. MacKenzie to her hotel when we’re done talking. Get everything back to the office and put a rush on processing. I want her to be able to come back by Sunday morning at the latest.”
“Yes, sir.”
He waited until everyone had left and the door clicked shut to resume talking.
“This has to stay between us until the official report is released.”
I nodded.
“Anton wasn’t with his father or brother, because he was in the infirmary. He faked appendicitis and bribed a corrections officer to smuggle him out of the prison with a change of clothes and a weapon. With the Russian hit causing a big stir, none of us even knew he was gone until it was too late.”
“So he had been planning this for a while?” I asked. “He was never going to let me go, was he?”
Henry shook his head and looked to his feet. “I should have known.”
“And I shouldn’t have let you leave Montana,” Beau said, pressing a kiss to my temple. “I should have found another place for you to hide.”
“There’s no use looking back. It’s over now.” I leaned further into Beau’s side. I had no idea what that kiss meant or where we went from here, but I didn’t care. I was going to lean on him until I could stand on my own. Then we’d deal with the rest.
“How did Anton get in here?” I asked.
Henry’s face hardened. “He came in through the stairwell entrance. We’ve got him on video coming in with another tenant. He must have known your cleaning crew’s schedule because he slipped in while they were leaving. He probably pretended to be an agent.”
“But Agent Mitchell . . .” I didn’t need to finish my sentence. Agent Mitchell had been by the elevator on his phone. “Huh,” I scoffed. “That folding chair and phone probably saved his life.”
“Maybe,” Henry said. “Or else he was bribed too. I’ll be finding out and he’ll either get fired or go to prison himself.”
We all sat quietly for a few moments. I was out of questions about Anton and hoped never to mutter his name again.
“What now?” Beau asked, breaking the silence.
“You’re free to go,” Henry told us. “Though I’d like to keep an agent with you for a few more weeks.”
“Is that really necessary?” There were much more important things for the FBI than babysitting me.
“Please?” Henry said. “Let me keep someone with you if nothing more than to appease my own worries. I’d like to give our Russian visitors the chance to return home and I’d also like to confirm with our inside man that they don’t have any interest in returning.”
“Fine,” I muttered.
Beau shifted and stood, bringing me with him off the couch. “Let’s get out of here.”
“All right. I’ll just pack a few things.”
Henry stood and reached out to touch my shoulder before I could walk away. “Sabrina, I’m sorry. I’ll never forgive myself for letting you down.”
I gave him a small smile. “I don’t know if anyone could have stopped Anton. You didn’t let me down, Henry. I wish none of this had happened but . . . it’s done now.”
Beau’s arm found my shoulders again. “Come on.”
He guided me out of the living room but my feet paused before we could make it to the hallway leading to my bedroom. I took one last look at the black pool of blood where Anton’s body had been. It was drying around the edges and I was grateful that someone else would be scrubbing it away. Still, I doubted I’d ever let my feet step in that space again. I’d always see blood, even after it had been washed away.
“I touched a gun today,” I muttered.
“What?” Beau asked.
“I touched a gun today,” I repeated, my eyes locked on the blood pool.
Eighteen years ago, I had vowed never to touch a gun. Not after I’d found Janessa’s silver pistol, the one she’d used to kill herself. The gun she’d bought out of the trunk of some gangster’s car. The gun I had found lying next to her lifeless feet.
She’d been sick so I’d ditched study hall to visit her at home. I’d found her in bed, not sick, but dead, her beautiful turquoise quilt covered in blood and brain matter because she’d put that gun in her mouth and pulled the trigger.
Once the nightmare of that scene had subsided, I’d promised myself I’d never touch a gun. Never.
Shooting Anton had been my only option, but the realization that I’d broken my vow—something I’d held tight to for so long—broke the last hold I had on my control.
My legs gave out and I would have crumbled to the floor if not for Beau’s strong arms wrapping me up and cradling me into his chest. There in the safety of his embrace, I lost it. Completely.
“I’ve got you.”
Don’t ever let me go. The words didn’t come out, only more wails and heart-wrenching screams.
Beau said something to Henry but I couldn’t hear him over my own noise. We were moving but I couldn’t get a handle on myself to stop crying and open my eyes. My stomach dipped when we went down the elevator and my body jostled as we got into a car. My screams stopped but the wrenching sobs continued until we made it to a hotel and Beau locked us safely into our room.
Gently laying me on the bed, his arms only left me for a moment to shut off the light. Then I was curled tightly into his chest, where the darkness took over and I fell asleep.
I woke up to the sun shining through the hotel room windows.
My eyes were puffy and swollen. My throat was on fire. My entire body ached. But because I was waking up in Beau’s arms, I felt better than I would have ever imagined possible the morning after being nearly murdered and taking another person’s life.
“Hi, Goliath,” I whispered into his chest.
“Hi, Shortcake.” He brushed the hair off my cheek. “How are you feeling today?”
“Better. I’m sorry about last night.”
“Don’t ever be sorry.”
I don’t know what I would have done if he hadn’t been there. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. What do you want to do today?” he asked.
“You’re staying?” Say yes. Say yes.
“Of course I’m staying.”
I smiled and snuggled closer. “Good.”
“So, what do you think? Movies and room service?”
A day spent lying around with Beau sounded wonderful but I didn’t want to stay in the hotel room and dwell. I’d have plenty of time to analyze everything that had happened when Beau left and I was back on my own again.
“What if we explored Seattle a bit? I could show you all the tourist stops. I don’t want to sit around and mope all day.”
He leaned back to study my face. “Really?”
“Is that bad?” I had no idea how to act right now. It wasn’t like I was happy and carefree. I just didn’t want to keep replaying the events of last night on an endless loop. I needed the distraction of the outdoors and crowds.
“No, it’s not bad.” Beau rolled me onto my back, hovering over me. “You can’t feel guilty about what happened last night. It was you or him. You did what you had to do.”
The truth in his eyes spread to my heart, knitting together a couple of the broken pieces. I had so much I wanted to say, but instead, I brushed my lips against his.
Beau kissed me back, gentle and sweet, breaking us apart before it could get heated, but the kiss didn’t erase any of the concern in his eyes. “I’m worried about you.”
“I’ll be okay,” I reassured us both. “Let’s get through today, then go from there.”
“All right. Then show me your city.”
We spent the entire day playing tourist. I took him up the Space Needle and on the Seattle Great Wheel. We spent hours strolling through Pike Place Market and along the piers. Then I took him to my favorite seafood restaurant, where we caught up on the last seven months and ate way too much.
It was by far the best day I’d ever had in Seattle, all because I’d been with Beau.
“I had fun today,” I told him as we ambled back to the hotel. “That’s kind of weird, huh?”
“Not weird.” His thumb caressed the back of my hand. “I had fun too. How are you doing?”
We hadn’t talked at all about Anton the entire day, or last night’s ordeal. I didn’t need to. Just walking around, holding Beau’s hand had helped me put it all into perspective. I had done what I’d had to do. What anyone else would have done. I didn’t like it, but I wasn’t going to blame myself. I was going to do my best to move on.
“I’m okay,” I said. “I’m sure there will be bad days ahead but getting through today, the distractions, they really helped.”
“Good.” His free hand reached out and tipped up the brim of my baseball hat. He’d been doing that all day, grinning each time. “My hat looks better on you than it does on me.”
“I beg to differ.” He looked sexy as hell in his old hat but he’d given it to me to wear today because I hadn’t had any sunglasses. Henry had packed me a few things while I’d been sobbing in Beau’s arms last night but he’d stuck to the bare essentials.
“I like your hair,” Beau said. “It looks good lighter.”
“Thanks. My stylist nearly fainted at my first appointment after coming back. She was distraught at my split ends and wanted to cut off six inches but I told her all she could do was a trim because I’d made a deal never to cut my hair.”
He smiled. “Damn straight.”
I looked to the side and saw our reflection in a store window. Even in the dim evening light, I could see huge bags under my eyes. “Ugh,” I groaned.
“What?”
“It’s a good thing I’ve got this hat on. I look horrible. I probably scared the children at the Space Needle today.”
“Hey,” Beau said, bumping my shoulder with his arm. “Don’t be talking about my Shortcake like that. She’s always beautiful. Even after being forced to use an outhouse.”
I laughed. “I don’t know what was worse. Hovering over that hole or knowing that you could hear me pee.”
He laughed too and let go of my hand to toss his arm around my shoulders. I leaned into his side and wrapped my arms around his waist.
“I missed you, Beau.”
He kissed my hat-covered head. “You too.”
By the time we got back to the hotel, I was wiped out. Beau opened the glass doors and let me inside first, waving to the agent that had been following us all day.
The man Henry had assigned to us wasn’t anyone I recognized but I could tell he had experience. He had been so discreet that I’d forgotten he was even with us. The only time I’d noticed he was close was when he’d silently communicated something with Beau.
My phone rang at the same time Beau flipped the lock closed in our room. It had been ringing nonstop all day so Beau and I had made a game of guessing who the caller was each time. Without looking at the screen, I said, “I’m guessing Felicity.”
He shook his head. “Dalton.”
I flipped the screen up. Beau was the winner. Again. “Hi,” I answered. I should have guessed the call was from Henry. His agent had probably reported we were no longer on the loose.
“Are you back at the hotel for the night?” He sounded exhausted.
“Yes.”
“Good. Your apartment is clean and you can go home tomorrow. You’ve got new locks since Mitchell busted in the old ones. Your doorman has your new keys.”
“Okay. Thank you for taking care of that.”
“No problem. How are you?”
I looked at Beau, sitting on the edge of the bed kicking off his shoes. His soft smile was aimed my way. “I’m okay. Good night, Henry.”
“Good night, Sabrina.”
I tossed my phone on the bed next to Beau. “Henry says I can go home tomorrow. Will you go with me?”
“Try to keep me away.”
I smiled and plopped down next to him. I wasn’t sure how it would feel going back to my apartment. That place was starting to have more bad memories than good.
“One day at a time,” Beau said, reading my thoughts.
One day at a time.
Taking a deep breath, I turned the key in the lock. Bleach and air freshener assaulted my nose as the door swung open to reveal the bright afternoon sun beaming through my living room windows. Beau’s hand rested on the small of my back. He stayed glued to my side with each step into my apartment.
I had told him at lunch that I wanted to rip off the Band-Aid. To waltz right into my apartment and walk directly to the spot where I had killed Anton. There wasn’t much waltzing with my heavy footsteps but they took me right to the spot.
On my left was a bouquet of flowers someone had left on the island. It rested in the exact place where Anton’s gun had been. On the right, someone had turned my staring chair around so it no longer faced the windows. And at my feet was a clean and polished floor. All traces of Anton had been erased.
Once I blocked him from my memories, he’d be gone forever.
“Okay?” Beau asked.
“Would it be strange to say yes?” I’d thought it would be scary and emotional to come back in here but it just felt like . . . nothing. I looked up into Beau’s eyes. “I think I let it all out the other night.”
His hand cupped my jaw. “I think you did too.”
I wished there had been another way but it didn’t change the facts. Anton was gone and he wouldn’t be coming after me again.
For the first time in over a year, I was truly safe to live my life.
I was free of Anton.
And Beau could be free of me. Of my hassle.
A decision cemented itself firmly in my head. It was going to destroy me, but I had to send Beau home.
Beau would always be rescuing someone or something; it just wouldn’t be me anymore. I had to release him from my burdens. All I had to give him for his troubles was my heart but he would have it all until the day I died.
I stepped into his space and wrapped my arms around his waist, resting my ear against his heart. I couldn’t say what I needed to say if I was looking into his eyes.
He’d see right through my lies.
“I’ll never be able to thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me, and I can’t tell you how much it meant that you came here the other night and stayed with me yesterday. I don’t know what I would have done without you, but I can’t keep interrupting your life. You should go home. I’ll be okay.”
I would be miserable, but if he knew the truth, he’d stay. And the longer we stayed together, the harder it would be on both of us in the end.
His arms came to my shoulders and pushed me back. “Say that again? You want me to go?”
No. “I want you to be free.”
His face softened. “Sabrina, I—”
“Please,” I whispered, my voice cracking. “I can’t, Beau. I can’t drag this out. It will hurt too much and nothing has changed. I belong here. You belong there.”
His shoulders fell and his hands dropped to his sides. “That’s what you want?”
“Yes.”
It was the worst lie I’d ever told.
He stared at me for a few moments but I kept my eyes locked firmly to his chest. Finally, he whispered, “Okay.”
“Will you do something for me before you go? One last thing?”
“Your wish, Shortcake.”
This hurt. God, this fucking hurt.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and locked my eyes with his. “I hated how everything ended in Prescott. This time, I want a real good-bye.”
Beau didn’t need any explanation. His mouth crashed down on mine, urgent and hungry, as we both poured our hearts into the kiss. He wasted no time, hoisting me up and carrying me to my bedroom, where he laid me down gently on the bed and stripped off my clothes. When he’d done the same with his, he came down on top of me, careful not to crush me under his heavy weight.
He started kissing my neck, traveling slowly to my breasts but stopped abruptly and pulled away.
“Fuck,” he hissed.
“What?”
“I don’t have a condom.”
“I’m back on birth control. There hasn’t been anyone since you.” I braced, hoping that he could say the same.
“Me either.”
What a relief.
“Are you sure?” he asked.
I nodded. “I want you, Beau. Just you.”
When he slid inside without anything between us, a single tear escaped my eye. This moment deserved a tear.
It deserved all the tears.
Beau and I stayed in bed together for the rest of the afternoon and into the evening. We lay cuddled together, mostly in silence. One or the both of us would drift off, then wake to reach for the other and make love, again and again. Finally, night fell and I slipped into a deep sleep with Beau’s arms wrapped around me like ropes.
When I woke the next morning, cold and untethered, I didn’t need to reach out to know that he was gone.
Beau
Staring out an airport window, I mindlessly watched a ground crew prepare for the day. It was only four thirty in the morning and I’d be waking Michael up with my phone call but I touched his name anyway.
“Hey.” Michael’s voice was rough with sleep. “Is everything okay? How’s Sabrina doing?”
“She’s fine,” I said. “Listen, I’m at the airport and should be home early afternoon. I’m going to swing by and pick up Boone from your place and then head out into the mountains for a couple days.”
“What? I thought you were staying for a week or two.”
“Things changed.”
“Oh, okay.”
I knew he’d be disappointed. Michael was worse than Maisy when it came to Sabrina. He asked daily when I’d be bringing her back, whereas Maisy limited her nosiness to once a week.
Months ago, I had spilled Sabrina’s whole story to Michael over a bottle of Crown. The moment she left Prescott, I’d turned into a grouchy and miserable son of a bitch. Michael had been the family nominee to intervene.
“Are you sure you shouldn’t stay longer?” he asked. “She might surprise you if you asked her to come back.”
“I can’t force her into a life she doesn’t want, Michael.” She didn’t want that life—my life—even if she wanted me.
He sighed. “But you love her.”
With everything I had.
“Let’s talk about this later, okay? See you in a bit.” I hung up and walked farther down the row of windows, taking a chair in a secluded corner near my gate. The second I got home, I was leaving again. I needed some time alone in the mountains to think clearly and make a plan.
I couldn’t force Sabrina into my life in Montana, but I could fit myself into her life here.
It meant I needed a plan to unload a lot of responsibility. It meant I would be choosing myself over everything and everyone else in my life.
Sabrina thought yesterday was our good-bye.
It wasn’t. I’d prove to her that she was more important than anything else. My job. My family. My mountains.
I’d say good-bye to it all, just so I could say hello to her every morning for the rest of my life.