The end.
Tears were streaming down my face as I typed.
For the last three weeks, the book that I’d started at the outpost, Holt’s Compass, had been my life. After Beau had left, I’d sequestered myself in my office and done nothing but write. Occasionally I’d shower, but mostly I sat in front of my computer, leaving only to answer the door for takeout deliveries.
And today, it was done. Finally.
The portion that I’d written at the outpost had been reworked and now it was my most powerful romance to date. I loved the hero. I was the heroine. And the elements of their love story were flawless.
None of my college papers or newspaper articles had ever given me this sense of satisfaction. This was my masterpiece.
I was proud of the story I’d written but my favorite part wasn’t the fiction. It was the dedication.
I’d given this story to Beau.
He’d probably never read the words I’d written for him but it gave me a great deal of peace to know they were there.
Wiping the tears off my damp cheeks, I closed my eyes and tipped my head to the ceiling. I miss you. I hope you have a nice day. Every time I thought of Beau, I closed my eyes and sent him good thoughts. And since I thought of him about a hundred times a day, I did this a lot.
“Morning.”
I opened my eyes and spun my chair around to see my dad leaning against the doorframe. “Hi, Dad. Did you sleep okay?”
He nodded, the lines in his forehead deepening. “I did, but it doesn’t look like you did.”
I stood from my chair and crossed the room, hugging him at the waist. “I slept okay. I just got up early so I could finish my book. It’s always a little emotional at the end.”
He hugged me tighter. “Congratulations, Sabrina. I’m so proud of you.”
“Thanks, Dad.” I smiled against his navy polo then stepped away, reaching up to knot my messy hair. “So what’s the plan for today? Is there anything you guys would like to do?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Whatever you and your mom want to do is fine with me. Let’s decide over breakfast. Though, between you and me, I’d rather not spend the entire day shopping.”
“Your secret is safe with me. I’ll hop in the shower and then we can head out. There’s a coffee shop around the corner that has the best pastries.”
“Chocolate croissants?”
“The best you’ll ever have.”
Dad and I shared the same weakness for breakfast pastries so I grinned when he rubbed his hands together.
“Morning, dear,” Mom called. She waved at me and Dad but was making a beeline for the coffee pot.
“Morning, Mom.” I followed her into the kitchen and gave her a quick hug before disappearing into my bathroom.
My parents had just gotten to Seattle last night, their first visit out since that horrible night with Anton. They had been distraught over everything that had happened and had wanted to come up immediately to check on me, but I had assured them I was fine and asked for a little time alone to process everything. Only after I’d spilled everything about Beau and told them that he had been here to help me through the rough patch did they agree to wait a few weeks.
But when I’d picked them up at the airport last night, I’d realized that three weeks had been too long. While I had needed time alone, they had needed to see for themselves that I was okay. With just one hug, a few of my mom’s gray hairs had turned back to their normal blond and my dad had lost fifteen worry lines from his forehead.
Spending a week with them would be healing. For all of us.
“Ready!” I called, coming out of my bedroom, wearing cuffed jeans and a simple black blouse. “After breakfast, we should visit the market before it gets too crowded.” I strapped on my black gladiator sandals.
“Sounds lovely!” Mom always wore dresses and heels, but since she’d traded her normal shoes for flats this morning, I’d taken it as a hint that she wanted to do some exploring. I just hoped my sandals would hold up for the inevitable miles she would put us through today. My dad never wore anything other than golf polos, chinos and sneakers, so no matter what we decided to do, he’d be comfortable.
We set out for coffee and pastries, then wandered toward the market. Sipping my vanilla chai, I followed my parents through Pike Place. While Mom was busy buying fresh fish and produce for dinner, Dad was struggling to pick out a bouquet of flowers from the plethora of available options.
“These?” he mouthed, pointing to an enormous bundle of green buds and deep purple peonies.
I smiled and gave him a thumbs-up. While he handed a wad of cash to the merchant, I glanced over my shoulder, expecting to see an FBI agent close by. I’d been doing that all morning out of habit even though Henry had finally deemed it safe for me to be on my own. It had been a week but I still found it strange to come out of my apartment door and not see someone in my hallway.
Mom called me over to a vegetable stand and pulled me from my thoughts. I helped her pick out the rest of our dinner menu and then we strolled back to my apartment with food bags and flowers in hand.
“We’ve got some news,” Mom said as we walked. “Kameron’s girlfriend is pregnant.”
“Really?” I did a little skip. “I’m going to be an aunt?”
Dad smiled. “Yep. And we’re finally getting some grandbabies.”
“I’m so excited! I can’t believe he didn’t tell me. I talked to him two days ago.”
Mom laughed. “He said I could tell you as long as I promised to take a picture of your smile.”
My smile got bigger as she pulled out her phone and snapped a quick photo, immediately texting it to my brother.
“That’s not all,” Dad said. “Kellan and his girlfriend are having a baby too. And they’re getting married.”
“What?” I laughed. “You’re kidding.”
Mom’s beaming smile got wider and she started laughing again. “Those boys. You’d think at some point they’d stop doing everything together, but I swear, they’re just as in sync now as they were when they were little boys.”
“At least it makes birthday and Christmas shopping easy.” Whatever I bought one brother, I bought the other.
Dad laughed at my joke. “True.”
When I was younger, I’d been jealous of Kameron and Kellan. They weren’t just brothers, they were best friends. They had done their best to include me, but as the younger sister, I had been destined to be the third wheel.
And now they were both building families of their own.
I was glad they could give my parents grandchildren to love and spoil, because without Beau, I didn’t see myself having kids.
I briefly closed my eyes and sent him more good thoughts. I hope you can do something fun for yourself today. I miss you. Tell Boone I miss him too.
I ignored a sting of sadness and turned back to my parents.
“Are you okay, dear?” Mom asked, touching my hand.
I forced a wide smile. “I’m great! Really happy for Kameron and Kellan.”
“You’ll have to come home when the babies are born,” Dad said.
“I’ll be there. I wish I didn’t live so far away, but I guess I’ll be earning lots of frequent flyer miles.” I may not become a mother but I could be one amazing aunt. At the outpost, I had vowed to become a better daughter and sister. Today, I was vowing to be a loving and present auntie, even from a distance.
Dad threw his arm around my shoulders. “You can always move home.”
Move to Florida? I hadn’t even considered that as an option.
It would be wonderful to be closer to my family. I didn’t have a job in Seattle tying me down anymore. And though I hadn’t let Anton’s death taint my home, I also wouldn’t be heartbroken to leave my apartment behind. Could moving home be my next step?
“I’ll think about it, Dad.”
“Good.” He pulled me tighter into his tall frame and kept me latched to his side all the way back to my apartment. We unloaded the groceries and then set out to do some sightseeing and shopping. By the time we made it back home in the late afternoon, I was dead on my feet.
“I need to get back to the gym.” I plopped down onto my living room couch. “I am out of shape.” Spending three weeks writing in my office chair hadn’t done my physical endurance any favors.
“You relax and I’ll get started on an early dinner,” Mom said. “I’ll get you a glass of wine too.”
Dad and I visited in the living room while I sipped a light chardonnay and Mom bustled around in the kitchen.
“How’s Felicity doing?” Dad asked.
I smiled. “Good. She’s due any day now.”
“And they’re having a girl?”
I nodded just as the doorbell rang. I started to stand but Dad beat me to standing. “You sit, I’ll get it.”
I had no idea who could be visiting. My doorman normally called with outside visitors so I figured it was one of my neighbors or someone at the wrong door. When two pairs of footsteps came back down the hall, I sat up straighter.
“Henry?”
“Hi.” He waved to me and then my mom. “Sorry to intrude. I’ll come back a different day.”
“No, it’s fine. Please, come in.” Standing from the couch, I introduced him to Mom and Dad.
“Stay for dinner?” Mom asked him.
Henry looked to me for an invitation and I nodded. “Stay, please.”
The week after Beau had left, Henry had checked in on me twice but I hadn’t seen him since. I had been so consumed with writing and he’d been busy with work that we’d resorted to the occasional text, but even then, our exchanges had been brief. It would be nice to catch up with him tonight and Mom was cooking a feast.
“Would you like wine?” Dad asked him.
“Sure. Thanks.”
Dad brought Henry a glass and refilled my own, then joined us in the living room.
“It seems like I haven’t seen you in ages,” I said. “I’m glad you stopped by.”
“I was in the area and thought I’d make sure you hadn’t been sucked into your computer.”
Dad laughed. “We got here just in the nick of time.”
“No teasing!” Mom yelled from the kitchen, coming to my defense. “I haven’t had anything good to read for weeks and I’m desperate for her next book.”
“Thanks, Mom,” I said, giving Dad and Henry my “so there” look.
Henry smiled and turned to my dad. “So how long are you visiting Seattle?”
I sank further into my chair and listened to Dad and Henry chat while Mom’s kitchen noises echoed in the background.
It was strange to see Henry so relaxed, off duty with a wine glass and not wearing his signature black suit. He looked so different, so casual, in jeans and an untucked white linen shirt. He was handsome in his suit but this look fit him better. It went with his dimple.
“Dinner!” Mom announced and we all retreated to the kitchen. Ever since that horrible night with Anton, I couldn’t bring myself to sit at the kitchen island, so with my plate loaded, I came back to the living room and sat on the floor by the coffee table.
I smiled to myself, thinking of how many nights I’d spent at the outpost in a similar position, using a cooler instead of a coffee table. Beau was so big that in order to be comfortable, he always had to have the cooler between his open legs.
My eyes closed as I tipped back my head. Whatever you’re eating, I hope you have a nice dinner tonight.
My parents and Henry joined me in the living room and we all ate Mom’s delicious meal. I volunteered to clean up but Dad insisted I relax and talk with Henry while he and Mom did the dishes.
“How are you?” Henry asked.
“I’m doing okay. There have been a couple of bad nights here and there, but for the most part, I’m good. Writing has helped keep my mind off things.”
He pushed out a slow breath. “I’m glad. I know I’ve said it a million times but I’m truly sorry.”
“It’s over now, Henry. You’re not to blame. How have you been?”
“Busy. Really busy.”
“Those darn criminals. Don’t they ever take vacations?”
He grinned. “The next case I pick up, I’ll be sure to find a bad guy with regularly scheduled holidays.”
I tapped my temple. “Now you’re thinking.”
My ringing phone interrupted our conversation. Felicity’s name flashed on the screen, requesting to FaceTime. My heart started to race as I bounced in my seat, waiting for the video feed to load.
Either she was stuck in a chair and was calling to bitch because she couldn’t get up, or she was in the hospital with my self-proclaimed niece.
Silas’s face appeared on the screen and my heart jumped. His smile was so wide, his happiness radiated through the phone. “Hey there,” he said. “We’ve got someone we’d like you to meet.”
Tears filled my eyes as he aimed the camera at Felicity in her hospital bed and a precious bundle in her arms.
“She’s so beautiful,” I whispered. The baby was swaddled in a white muslin blanket and her hair was covered with a pale-pink cap as she slept peacefully in her mother’s arms.
“I think so too.” Felicity smiled and turned her eyes to her daughter, touching the tip of Victoria’s tiny nose.
“I can’t wait to hold her,” I said. “How are you doing?”
Felicity looked back to the camera and sighed. “I’m tired. She came pretty quickly and I’m worn out.”
“She did awesome,” Silas said in the background.
“Of course she did. Is everyone healthy?”
She nodded. “We’re all perfect.”
“Oh, good. I wish I were there to give you both a hug.”
“Me too,” Felicity said. “Come and visit us soon?”
“Very soon.” When Victoria squeaked, I took it as my cue to say good-bye. “I’ll let you go. Thanks for calling me. Will you send me pictures?”
Felicity nodded and smiled. “Prepare to be flooded. I’ve taken about a hundred in the last three hours. Once we get home and settled, I’ll call you.”
“Okay. Congratulations. I’m so happy for you.”
“Thanks. It’s been a day I’ll never forget.” The joy on her face was something I’d never forget.
Silas joined the shot and kissed Felicity’s cheek.
“Congratulations to you too, Daddy. You guys take care.” I waved and smiled, then ended the call. When I turned back to the living room, I was met with more smiling faces.
“That’s so exciting!” Mom said. “I hope Kameron or Kellan has a sweet baby girl.”
My phone started to ding as the flood of promised pictures started coming through.
“Let’s see those baby pictures,” Dad said.
I immediately went for my phone, not needing any encouragement to thumb through pictures. With me in the middle of the couch, Henry on one side and Mom and Dad on the other, I started swiping and saving pictures.
“Oh, she’s beautiful,” Mom said, “and Felicity looks amazing. You’d never guess she just had a baby.”
I smiled. “If I didn’t love her so much, I’d hate her for being so photogenic. It’s not fair.”
Henry scoffed. “Says the woman who had my entire team begging to be put on Sabrina duty.”
I blushed and swiped through more photos, pointing out the people that I knew and guessing at those I didn’t. When I got to the last picture, my smile fell and my fingers froze.
Felicity had sent me a picture of Beau and Victoria.
Beau was standing, smiling down at the baby, as his massive arms cradled her tight. His hair was longer underneath his baseball cap, its ends curling up at his neck. The skin at his forearms and cheeks was tanner than when he’d been here weeks ago. He looked so perfect with that baby I could hardly breathe. His expression was so soft and loving, it was hard to believe that little girl wasn’t his own.
“Who’s that?” Dad asked.
I forced my eyes away from the picture and swallowed the lump in my throat. “That’s Beau.”
“Oh.” Mom gave me a sad smile and patted my hand. “I’ll get us more wine. Henry?”
“No, thank you,” he said. “I should probably get going. Thank you for a wonderful dinner.”
“I’m so glad you could join us,” Dad said. “It was a pleasure meeting you.”
“Same to you.”
We all stood from the couch. Mom and Dad shook Henry’s hand, then Mom went to get more wine and Dad slipped into my room for an early bedtime.
“Thanks for coming over tonight,” I said. “It was nice to see you.”
“You too.”
I walked him to the door, but before he could leave, I called his name. “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“Why did you call Felicity the night I killed Anton?” I had replayed that night a hundred times, and with every rewind, I wondered why he’d called Felicity instead of my parents.
He sighed. “Because I didn’t want you to have to tell her what had happened.”
“Right,” I said, though I was still confused. Why hadn’t he done the same with my parents? Having to explain everything to them had been awful. Before I could ask, he answered my question.
“And I knew Felicity would call Holt and he’d come to you.”
“You did? How?”
“Because that man loves you, Sabrina. Which is why I’m surprised he isn’t here.”
Beau loved me? Then why wasn’t he here with me? Why had he left weeks ago without a trace?
Curses.
Because I’d pushed him away.
I was such a fucking moron.
Henry chuckled. “I can see you’ve got a few gears turning. I’ll say good night.”
“Oh, sorry,” I said, snapping out of my head. “Thanks again for stopping by.”
He bent to kiss my cheek. “Good-bye, Sabrina.”
“Bye, Henry.”
When the door clicked shut, my hands immediately went into my hair.
“Uh-oh,” Mom said when I walked back into the living room.
“I messed up.” I sank onto the couch and pressed a pillow over my face.
She jerked the pillow away and handed me my wine instead. “Would you like to talk about it?”
I nodded and took a healthy gulp. I had told my parents about Beau and my time at the outpost but I’d kept it fairly vague and PG-rated for my dad. Now that it was just me and Mom, I spent the next hour giving her the full story, all the way from meeting Beau in Silas’s kitchen to the bomb Henry had just dropped.
“There. That’s the whole story. You don’t need to read my next novel because I basically just recited it for you, except I gave my characters a happy ending.”
She laughed. “I’m glad you shared with me, dear.”
“Me too.” I was still upset but it had helped to talk it over, especially with Mom. “I’m glad we’re closer these days,” I admitted. “I’ve really missed you and Dad. Kameron and Kellan too.”
“You have no idea how happy that makes me.” She sniffled and wiped a tear from her wet eyes. “I hate all of the bad things that happened to you over the last year but I can’t regret them. When Janessa died, you built these walls to shut everyone out. I think it was your way of keeping your heart from being broken. Nothing we did could get through. I’m just so glad to see you’re starting to take those walls down.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to apologize. You were so young and what happened with Janessa was so traumatic. She was the Kameron to your Kellan back then. I just wish we had known what to do to keep you from pulling away.”
“I don’t know if there was anything you could have done.” They had always been there for me; I just hadn’t let them in.
“Most of the time, I don’t even think you know you’re pushing us away. So many people love you and want to be close to you, Sabrina. You just don’t always let them. The only person I’ve seen you really let in since high school is Felicity.”
And Beau. Being with him at the outpost, stripping away all of my comforts, he had opened my heart. He had broken through my walls and helped set me free.
“I don’t want to shut people out anymore,” I whispered.
She reached out and grabbed my hand. “Then don’t. You can’t let what happened with Janessa all those years ago define how you’re going to build relationships. Your guard isn’t just keeping out the bad. You’re blocking the good too.”
“Why do you think she killed herself?” Never, not once had I asked that question.
Janessa had left a note for her parents but no one had ever told me what she’d written, and I’d been so angry with her at the time, I hadn’t wanted to hear any excuses.
Mom pushed out a deep breath. “She was pregnant.”
My jaw fell open. “Pregnant? We pinkie promised to stay virgins until college. And she didn’t just kill herself but her baby too? I can’t—” I took a long breath and stopped my rant. “Never mind. Getting all worked up isn’t going to bring her back.”
“No, it’s not.”
I shook my head, dumbfounded at her choice. “I wish she hadn’t been able to buy that gun.”
“Is that why you went after the Federovs?”
I nodded. “Kids shouldn’t be able to buy illegal guns off the street. Without that pistol, she would have had to commit suicide some other way. If she’d taken pills or even cut her wrists, I might have been able to save her, Mom. I could have gotten there in time.”
“No, dear. You wouldn’t have. She had been dead for hours by the time you got there. No matter what, there was nothing you could have done.”
“Maybe you’re right.”
“Oh, Sabrina.” Her head fell. “I wish I had known you felt this way. I should have forced you to talk about this a long time ago.”
I shook my head, sending a couple of tears down my cheeks. “I probably wouldn’t have listened but I’m glad you told me. Now I can let it go.”
We sat together in silence, holding hands and finishing our wine until she gave my fingers one last squeeze and stood from the couch. “I’d better get to bed. We can talk more tomorrow if you’d like.”
“Okay. Thanks, Mom.”
I was emotionally drained but doubted I’d sleep much. Instead, I’d be thinking about the serious life changes I was going to make, starting tomorrow.
No more pushing people away. I was done working from sunrise to sunset and most of the hours in between. I was done using sex as a way to keep men at a distance. I was done living a solitary existence.
I wanted to be close to my family. I wanted to build lifelong friendships. I wanted to surround myself with people who loved me unconditionally.
“Mom?” I called before she could slip into the bedroom.
“Yes?”
“I think I’m going to move home.”