Chapter One
Three Months Later
Thoughts are running rampant within my brain and I can’t help this uneasy feeling that sits like a lump in the base of my throat. For the past three hours, I’ve immersed myself in work and haven’t left my office. I hate that I’m feeling this way, but I don’t have the strength or energy to walk out into the warehouse. I may be a coward and perhaps a bit afraid of what’s happening between Hank and me, but I’m tired of the silent treatment.
How did we get here?
Resting my elbows onto the top of my desk, I place my head in my hands and release a heavy breath. So much has gone wrong between us and I can’t for the life of me figure a way out to fix it. My perfect little fairy tale of a romance is so not what I thought it would be. We’ve only been dating a few short months, but the bad times are beginning to outweigh the good. I thought he was the one, the man I offered my heart to only to wonder if he truly is the man for me. I hate it and can’t stand the fact that it’s a constant battle in my head. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look him in the eye without one of us spouting hurtful words.
Where did we go wrong?
“Hey lady!” Traci’s voice booms through my office space. “Can I come in?”
Silently laughing to myself, I can sense she’s already standing within a few feet of my desk. Lifting my head, I smile and gesture for her to take a seat.
“You’re not too busy, ‘cause if you are I can totally come back,” she mutters nervously.
“You’re fine, girl, what’s up?” I ask resting my hands on my desk and leaning back into my chair.
“So, I have something I need to tell you,” she says fiddling with her hands in her lap. “You’ve been keeping to yourself a lot lately and I . . . well, we didn’t know how to tell you.”
“Stop, I’m never too busy for you. I’ve just got a lot on my mind lately and it’s better if I hide back in here. Plus, I get more work done when I don’t leave the office, ya know focus is key,” I reply with a wink.
Her beautiful blue eyes begin to fill with tears as Mike walks into my office, closing the door behind him. I begin to look between the two of them, uncertainty plaguing my thoughts as I watch him take a seat next to Traci.
“Guys, what’s going on here?” I ask, raising my brow.
His eyes gaze over to Traci, taking her hand in his.
“Seriously you two, you’re starting to freak me out,” I utter moving to stand from my chair.
Crossing my arms against my chest, Mike waves his hand telling me to sit back down.
“We wanted to talk to you together, but before we get into that,” he pauses for a moment. His eyes shifting from mine to the floor. “I love you, Taryn, I always will because you are a big part of my life. But, whatever the fuck is going on with you and Hank has to stop.”
“Mike!” Traci shouts.
“Sorry, baby, but it’s about time we’re real with her,” he quips looking up into my eyes. “I’m not the only one that’s noticed it, Taryn. You’ve changed. The happy go lucky cute blonde is more like the dead, dreary and worn out chick in the back office. I . . . we all care about you too much, so tell us what the hell is going on?”
Plopping myself back down in my office chair, the dam breaks, tears falling down my cheeks.
“I don’t even know where to start,” I sob. “One day we were amazing, the next it was as if we were two totally different people.”
“You love him though, right?” Traci asks.
Reaching for a tissue, I begin to blot the tears as they run down the sides of my face.
“I honestly don’t know. My entire life up ‘til a few months ago, he was the only man I ever wanted. I envisioned this perfect little life we could have and nothing is as it seemed it would be. We nitpick each other constantly, fight about the stupidest shit and by the end of the night I’m so emotionally drained, I don’t want to be near him.”
“Listen, I’m not sticking up for him but the stress of the fights could be getting to him. I know it’s not right, maybe talking—”
“No,” I interrupt him mid-sentence. “There is no point in talking to him, he’s set in his ways. Nothing I do or say matters.”
“What do you wanna do about it?” Traci asks rubbing her hand on her stomach.
My eyes focus on her hand, then the glow that is like an aura surrounding her face.
“Are you okay, Traci?”
“Yeah, I’m good, why are you asking me if I’m okay. We’re in here talking about you, not me,” she giggles as her cheeks blush.
“You were just rubbing your stomach. Traci . . . why were you rubbing your stomach?” I ask. And then it hits me.
They look to each other and back to me.
Holy shit!
“You’re pregnant!” I squeal jumping from my chair and rounding the desk to be by her side.
“Taryn Morris . . .focus, woman,” Mike interjects.
“Nope, not gonna happen. Oh my God, tell me . . . please tell me!” My voice rises with excitement.
“Fine yes, we’re pregnant . . . are you happy now? Damn you, woman, we wanted to talk to you about you and Hank first then we were going to break the news to you,” Traci scolds.
“I’m going to be Auntie Taryn.” I pull away and begin clapping my hands.
“Okay, okay,” Mike laughs. “Relax and lower your voice, killer. Traci and I wanted to tell you first. Of course, our parents know, but other than them, it’s just you.
I pull them both into my arms and hug them as hard as I can. I don’t care what they have on their minds or what they wanted to talk about, this right here is the most exciting news I’ve heard in weeks. Nothing else matters right now . . . nothing.
Taking the last few steps toward his loft door, so many emotions are running through me. I’m so torn, so scared and most of all my heart is breaking with every stride I take. I can barely breathe with the lump lodged in my windpipe and my heart is racing so fast I can hear the echo of beats down the hallway. I know we can’t continue to act this way toward one another. The silence, the lack of communication, it’s all killing me and I can’t do it anymore. We avoided one another for years because, well, because we thought we had feelings. I thought we had feelings. But, now it’s different. The fact of the matter is I am unhappy and hearing Mike say that I’ve changed, it hurts. I’ve always been the upbeat chick who would run to anyone in need. I may still be that person, but right now I feel more like the one that needs someone to run to me.
With my nerves in the pit of my stomach, I knock on the door. Seconds tick by, minutes pass making it feel like an eternity as I wait. Every bone in my body aches, my muscles tense and my head is pounding. As the door opens, his dark eyes find mine. I need to throw up. I want to run, but I can’t. We need to talk. Looking back into his gaze, his expression tears me apart. His eyes strike me hard, causing my knees to become weak. Those same eyes are something I had searched for for so long. At one point I felt as if they held depth to them, but right here they are completely dark, blank and without a soul. It’s in that instant I know what I need to do.
“I didn’t think you were coming. Want to grab something to eat?” His quick, cold tone asks before moving away from the door and letting me into his space.
Stepping into the loft, I set my purse down on the table and begin to pace around the room.
“We need to talk Hank and I mean really talk,” I state, trying to remain emotionless and calm.
“What is it now, Taryn? I just saw you a few hours ago and you gave me the silent treatment. What the hell did I do to you now?”
Gah, his words cut me. He’s so on edge. All I want is for us to talk this out. How can he live with things knowing how torn and messed up we are?
“This,” I say gesturing between us. “This right here. What happened to us, Hank? Everything and anything we say or do turns into an argument. I’m not saying you’re at fault nor am I, but something has to give a little. When we first found each other, being together seemed so right, so perfect and now . . . now, I don’t even know what to think.”
I watch as he stops moving, his feet planted firmly on the ground and his body facing away from me. As he turns in my direction, all I see is frustration etched across his face. Being in a relationship shouldn’t be like this. It shouldn’t be this hard.
“I can’t do this, Taryn. You keep bringing shit like this up and I don’t know what you want from me. My life has always been simple. I go to work, the Cage and eat, sleep, repeat. I’m not a knight in shining armor. I’m not going to sweep you off your feet. It’s not who I am,” he barks, running his hands through his hair. “Fuck, Taryn, I don’t even know the man who I’m supposed to be, but I do know that I need to stay focused on what’s important to me.”
A gasp escapes my lips, the pain of my head lurching its way through my body and strangling its hands around my heart.
“I never asked you to be any of those things Hank . . . never,” I whisper as a tear falls from my eye. “Maybe . . . maybe, we just weren’t meant to be. I don’t know what the hell to do, but I do know that I can’t be with someone that seems more like an enemy than the love of my life.”
He turns his back on me again heading toward the couch in the living room.
“Hank, we need to figure this out, please,” I beg following him into the room.
“Taryn, there’s nothing for us to figure out. I’m stressed the fuck out. This . . . us—it stresses me out. Yeah, we had a few good times, but the more I sit back and think about it, it was a game, and you know what? We both won for a short while.”
Oh my God. This is it, this is really happening.
I knew we needed to talk and to go our separate ways, but right now the pain that this moment is causing is more than I imagined it would be.
“So that’s it? Just like that?”
“Do you really think there’s anything worth fighting for here, Taryn. My life is the Cage, other than that I can’t commit to anything else. Not now, not ever. I’m better off alone. I like being able to come and go as I please. I need the freedom to control what I know I need and right now, I don’t need this. I’m sorry.”
With his back still to me and my pulse racing, I realize I can’t even try to fix something that was always broken. He’s right. We were nothing more than a game, a chase that we both wanted to win.
It fucking hurts, but it all makes sense now.
“Don’t be,” I remark moving back toward the kitchen and grabbing my purse. “I’m sorry too, Hank, sorry I wasted our time. I won’t stand here and lie, I really wish things would have worked out differently. Then maybe I’d feel comfortable with us as friends, but right now I know we can’t. It hurts, but I think it’s best if we go back to the way things were. At least we won’t have to pretend we hate each other.”
I can’t bear to be near him another second and I walk out of the loft and away from the mess we created together. As much as I thought, hoped and wished we would one day be together, all of it was for nothing. My heart hurts, but not because I lost him . . . it’s because I just lost a piece of myself.
Live and learn they say, well, I just learned the hardest lesson of my life.
Love is blind.