Chapter Three
Two Weeks Later
Ever since I was a little girl, I felt that my life was pretty well laid out for me. There was nothing I ever wanted that wasn’t already placed before me. I was fortunate . . . content. Now as an adult, I’m still living a life I can’t really fathom is that of my own, yet I’m selfishly regretful of a few decisions I’ve made.
If only I knew then what I know now, I would have done things a little differently.
The past few months have been an unnerving wake up call. As much as I thought I wanted one thing, life threw a wrench into my happily ever after and I lost a piece of who I thought I truly was. When I sit back and think about it, really dig deep into it, I can’t believe I was such a fool.
Love is a tricky player of sorts. One that hides behind a façade. It’s a coward to the truth and lies, more so than anything I have ever known. I was naive when I first felt my heart beat a faster rhythm within my chest. Perhaps it was the thrill of the chase.
When my lips touched Hank’s for the first time I thought fireworks went off, but that wasn’t it at all. I was blind in a moment of intense passion, yet in reality, it was really nothing. Hank and I were really nothing, nothing but a brief moment.
Breathing out a sigh of frustration, I begin to twirl a loose strand of hair between my fingertips.
I should have known. I wasted so much time.
Even though some of our closest friends said they saw the train wreck coming, I couldn’t, I wouldn’t give in to it.
I guess could have tried harder, but what would have been the point? There was never anything to fight for, never a battle to conquer, never a love to win.
I can’t say that the lack of effort was one sided. We both played a role in our demise. It hurt. God did it hurt. The one man I thought I would move heaven and earth for me was nothing more than a quick thrill. At least that’s all it seems to have been now that I look back at the last few months. I can’t even say it was good while it lasted, because it wasn’t. The good times with Hank were outweighed by the bad. We turned into one another’s worst enemy and because of that I’ve lost one of my best friends.
If not for the love and support of my family, and of course Mike and Traci, I don’t know that I would have made it through life here in Brooklyn . . . especially with him gone.
As I sit here in my one-bedroom apartment alone, I can’t help but wish certain things would have worked out differently. I left working at the Cage shortly after our break up. I just couldn’t bear to be within the same walls that Hank was training. With Trenton gone, Mike, Traci and Jamie did everything they could to keep me busy and focused. At first it wasn’t too bad, but as the days went by I had no other choice but to leave.
My life was somewhat of a mess, I was a mess.
It breaks my heart to think about how awful things turned out between Hank and me. Not only was he my best friend, he was the one man I thought was my one and only soul mate. For so long I was in love with the idea of the man. For years I wanted something so badly to later find out was nothing at all what I needed. Now looking back, I wish I could take it all away. Every painful memory, the ways in which we argued, fought and grew to hate one another. It was a vicious battle every single day to put a smile on my face. Something I never thought would happen with him. I hate myself for what we put each other through and even more that I lost him.
My perfect little world was clouded by my imagination, a fantasy. I wanted something so much more than he did or maybe it was the other way around. But when push came to shove, I think it may have just been a rush of passion, something new and exciting we were both willing to explore. It didn’t take either of us long to realize we weren’t who the other really wanted at all.
I did what was right, yet I knew deep down I still had a lot to learn. Certain decisions I’ve made may not have been the best ones, but right now they are indeed what have kept my spirits up. Seeing others so happy and content, I had to find that part of me again. I needed to move on. I needed to focus on me.
It was then I realized it was time to live my life for me. I needed to find something I wanted to do, not just a job but a career. I wanted something that would drive me, motivate me and fulfill the lack of passion I was missing from my life. After a few unsuccessful interviews I found it. I was anxious to move onto a new chapter of my life. I wanted to be happy again. Little did I know that I was about to kill two birds with one stone.
My new company sent me to Syracuse, New York for a three-week training course. It was balls to the wall time and thankfully I knew someone that was in reach.
That’s when everything changed . . .
My heart instantly begins to race as I envision the man who has stolen my attention. As wrong and insane as it may seem, he is the one who has truly kept me whole and feeling sane through everything.
I miss him and I’m not quite sure how I’ll react once I see him again.
Standing from my soft, cushioned chair, I walk into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. I’ve slept very little over the past few days and the jolt of caffeine is indeed what I need to keep my eyes open through today’s welcome home party for Trenton.
A smile forms across the curve of my lips knowing that we’ll be able to share the same space today. It’s been a bit since we’ve last seen one another, but today I know I’ll be near him and if that’s all I can get out of it I’ll splash a wide grin onto my face.
Sigh . . . what the hell are we going to do?
He was the last person I thought my heart would find comfort with. I wasn’t looking, he wasn’t looking. Who seriously would have seen that coming? Sure as hell not me. A tingle runs up the length of my arm as my memories take me back to two weeks prior. The feel of his lips caressing every inch of my body, his tongue sweeping across my most sensitive spots. It sends a wave of purse bliss straight to my core and I wish, no I need him to be here with me.
At first, we agreed it would be nothing more than a random hook up, no strings attached and absolutely no expectations. Yes, I was vulnerable and I knew I was taking advantage of the moment. He was lonely and well, shit, we were both in need of a night filled with passion. What I didn’t expect was what came in the few short weeks after. Instead of leaving our one night together alone, I found myself falling asleep with him on my mind and waking up wishing he was lying next to me.
I wracked my brain for days. I called myself a whore, an instigator and someone with nothing more than that of a black soul. What female on this planet can be with one man and jump into another’s bed within a month of breaking up? Not only that but with his brother . . . his twin brother.
Ugh, the thoughts of my idiocy still taunt my thoughts. I don’t know how it is possible or what I ever did to deserve him, but he saw right through it all. He looked into my eyes and saw me at a depth no one ever has. When he first held me in his arms, I was taken to a place I never wanted to leave. Everything in me told me I was safe, loved and I didn’t want to be anywhere else. As the weeks progressed I made the drive to see him. Surprised at first, he didn’t know what had changed, why I came back. Hell, I didn’t even know what I was doing, but I needed to be with him.
My cell phone rings, pulling me from my state of infatuation. Looking to the screen I swipe the answer button.
“Morning, Mama,” I cheerfully answer as my mental state quickly changes.
“Good morning, sweet girl,” she replies.
My mother is the only one who knows anything that has transpired between us. I’m still in a bit of shock myself and knowing that he’ll soon be back makes it that much more of a dilemma I’m unsure how to face.
“I’m just about to pour my coffee and sit down with a book,” I say positioning the phone between my ear and shoulder as I reach for the coffee pot.
“That’s wonderful, dear,” she replies. “I wanted to see how you’re feeling about the gathering later today. You sure you’re up for it?”
Another smile spreads across my face.
“Yes, I’m good. Actually, I’m more than good.”
“Okay well enjoy your morning brew and book. Daddy and I will see you later today, but if you need anything . . . I mean anything, young lady, you better call me.”
“Will do, Mama, but I promise I’ll be fine. I think the hardest part of it all will be seeing Hank. It’s been a few weeks since I last ran into him, but you know how cordial we try to be.”
“Yes, Taryn, I know. He’s not the one I’m concerned about you seeing. The way you speak of your, err, secret friend. I just don’t want to see you hurting if things don’t work out the way you want them to.”
Resting the steaming mug of coffee back onto the counter, I take a second to let her words sink in.
“I don’t want to feel anything less than I do right now. I’m happy and excited so let’s just see how the day progresses and take it from there.”
“You’re so brave, my sweet girl. Everything will happen as it should, it always does.”
“Yes, Mama, I’ll see you later today. Love you.”
“Love you too, Taryn.”
We disconnect the call as anticipation surges through me. In only a few hours we’ll be reunited, I just hope everything does work out for the best.
Damn, I miss him . . .