Chapter Eight
Sierra drove out to the Diamond Lil with urgency, her foot clamped down so heavily on the accelerator that the car was racing down the interstate at eighty miles an hour. She never drove this fast, almost bordering on reckless, but fear was forcing her to act on pure instinct. And her instinct was telling her that she was urgently needed at the Diamond Lil. She'd raced out of the bar with Caleb on her heels after pausing for a few moments to let Jacey and Marissa know what was going on. After promising to update Jacey on the situation as soon as she could, Sierra headed to her car with Caleb on her heels.
On the drive to the Diamond Lil, Caleb sat in the passenger seat not uttering a word, his expression unreadable in the dark interior of the car. The only audible noise was the slight hum of the radio and the soft whir of the tires. Once they arrived at the ranch, Sierra navigated the car down the road toward the barn where she spotted Hollis’s truck parked. They both jumped from the jeep and began running towards the barn
Sierra had expected to see hordes of people milling about the ranch, but not a single soul was up and about.
Sierra turned towards the bunkhouse in the distance, her mind registering the fact that not a single light was glowing inside. It lay in darkness. It seemed odd that if there was a disturbance at the ranch none of the ranch hands would’ve been apprised of the situation and awoken from their sleep. The prolonged silence was eerie in light of the emergency page she’d received. It didn’t make sense.
“Hollis! Where are you?” Sierra called out, her nervousness increasing as the silence ensued.
“Hollis! It’s Caleb and Sierra,” Caleb yelled out, as he paced the length of the corral, his body tensed for action as if he was expecting an ambush attack.
At the same time they heard a low, muffled cry from the stables, one that caused Sierra’s nerves to stand on end and her fingers to tremble with nervousness. They both jumped into action, Sierra two steps ahead of Caleb as she pushed open the creaky, wooden door leading into the stables. When she would have barged through the door ahead of him, he pulled her behind him and made a silencing motion with his finger to his lips. He then pointed to the gun in his holster, which served as a frightening reminder to Sierra that there could be serious danger around the corner.
“Since when do you carry a gun?” Sierra whispered.
“It’s a long story. Some of my buddies and I set up a group called Guardians, Inc. We help protect people who need our assistance. Don’t worry.” He spoke in a low voice, then put his finger up to his mouth in a shushing motion.
Guardians Inc? Surely there was a story behind that type of organization. Who was Caleb helping? Was it dangerous? It sounded pretty heroic. She put it in the back of her mind, fully intending to ask him more questions at a later time.
“Over here, guys.” They heard Hollis’ voice ring out from one of the stalls. They followed the sound of his voice, entering a large stall that was brightly lit up with lanterns.
“What’s going on?” Caleb asked as he caught sight of Hollis crouched on the ground next to a jet black Arabian.
“We’re delivering a baby, son,” Hollis said with a wide grin, “and if all goes well, I’ll be passing out cigars in a minute.”
“Morning Star,” Sierra whispered as she crouched down next to Hollis and began patting the Arabian’s head and crooning soft words in her ear. Morning Star was her horse, one that she’d been given as a tenth birthday present by her parents after months of begging for her own horse. She had given her the name Morning Star because she had a star-shaped birthmark in the middle of her forehead. Morning Star possessed a gentle spirit and a natural grace that quickly earned her a place in Sierra’s heart. In her best of times and her worst of times, Morning Star had always been by her side, the most faithful of companions. She’d missed her dearly over the past eight years.
“Yep, she’s becoming a momma right before our very eyes,” Hollis said. “I’m sorry about calling you away from your evening out on the town, but Simone and I thought you’d want to be here.” Hollis nodded towards a shadowy figure in the corner of the stall, a figure that had gone unnoticed as they entered the stall. Aunt Simone sat quietly in the corner, dressed from head to toe in mourning black, her attractive face glowing with happiness and excitement over the impending birth of Morning Star’s foal. For the first time since the reading of the will Simone appeared to be content and at ease, a total departure from her sullen behavior of the last few days.
“You thought right, Hollis,” Sierra reassured him. “I wouldn’t have missed this for the world.” She glanced in her aunt’s direction and smiled at her, silently rejoicing at the fact that her aunt appeared to be putting her bitterness regarding Sierra’s inheritance behind her.
Sierra quietly made the introductions between Aunt Simone and Caleb, then turned her full attention to the birthing of Morning Star’s foal.
“Do you remember Morning Star?” Sierra asked Caleb, knowing that she’d told him on several occasions all about her horse and how much she meant to her. Morning Star had been the earth, sun, moon and stars all rolled into one in Sierra’s opinion. Not a day went by when she hadn’t ridden Morning Star across her familys’ land, galloping from one adventure to another with her most trusted companion.
“Of course, I remember her,” Caleb said. “How could I forget? She’s all you used to talk about. The prettiest and the fastest Arabian in all of Texas, if I remember correctly.”
Sierra grinned, feeling both surprised and delighted that Caleb remembered Morning Star. “She's all that and more.” She turned towards Hollis and asked, “How’s she progressing? Is it almost time?” Strangely enough, Sierra felt as if her own babe was coming into the world - her hands felt clammy with perspiration and her heart was pounding with adrenalin.
“Any second now. Come on Morning Star. Come on beauty,” Hollis crooned.
“Nice and easy,” coached Aunt Simone.
Sierra and Caleb leaned down at the same time, almost colliding heads as they both tried to gauge Morning Star’s progress. Sierra laughed nervously as she gazed into Caleb’s eyes, so close to him that she could see the gold flecks in his eyes. Her eyes wandered to the tiny scar that rested beside his mouth, one that she longed to reach out and discover with her fingertips.
Sierra inhaled the woodsy fragrance that hovered around him like a halo, her stomach doing belly flops at the pure, masculine smell that he exuded. Caleb’s scent clung to her long after she moved away from him and sank down onto her heels. Being so close to him made her want to shout out her feelings for the whole world to hear.
Instead of surrendering to that wild impulse, she focused on Morning Star and the miraculous event unfolding before their very eyes.
Sierra watched in amazement as Morning Star gave birth to her foal, the miracle of nature causing her eyes to well up and her limbs to tremble with awe. Although she’d seen countless foals being born in her lifetime, the birth of Morning Star’s foal was one of the most moving experiences of her life. Sharing the experience with Caleb, Hollis and Aunt Simone made the moment all the more meaningful.
“She’s beautiful,” Sierra breathed as she reached out and rubbed the newborn’s matted fur, her hands not lingering too long lest Morning Star become agitated by the contact with her foal. “I wish I had my camera so that I could capture this moment.”
“She’s gorgeous. Just like her momma,” Aunt Simone said proudly as she clapped Hollis on the back as if he was the proud father.
For a moment when Sierra glanced in their direction she couldn’t help but wonder if there was more to Hollis and Aunt Simone’s relationship than she’d previously known. Why was Aunt Simone at the stables at this time of night? And why did they seem so totally at ease with each other, like two perfectly matched bookends? Sierra smiled at them approvingly, drawing a befuddled look from Hollis and a contented look from Aunt Simone.
“Well,” said Hollis awkwardly as he felt the heat of Sierra’s lingering gaze, “we’re through here for the night. Mama and baby are doing fine. I’m going to take Simone back to the homestead now.”
“Hollis, Sierra gave me a ride out here from Tumbleweeds. Do you think I could borrow one of your trucks to get back home?” Caleb asked. “I don’t want Sierra to have to drive me home at this late hour.”
Hollis nodded agreeably to Caleb’s suggestion. “Sure, son. Go on and take the truck. I have my jeep out back.” Hollis threw Caleb the keys and took Aunt Simone by the elbow, guiding her gently out of the stall. The gesture spoke volumes about their relationship, Sierra thought, as she watched her aunt’s face light up with pleasure at his gentlemanly behavior. Perhaps Hollis could help take the sting out of Lilliana Rose not giving her only daughter her beloved Diamond Lil.
Caleb caught the keys mid-air and grinned appreciatively. “Thanks. I’ll have Drew bring the truck back around tomorrow.”
Caleb and Sierra walked outside and waved goodbye to Aunt Simone and Hollis as they headed off toward the Homestead. Sierra felt a prick of jealousy as she watched Aunt Simone snuggle up next to Hollis and place her head on top of his shoulder. Such a simple gesture, she thought, yet it was something that she herself hadn’t experienced in such a long time. Their relationship was so simple, yet so pure - and she envied it.
It was the type of intimacy she wanted to share with Caleb, yet she knew that it wouldn’t be simple or pure if she didn’t clear up their murky past. Like Minnie had told her, she needed to tell him the truth.
“I forgot how beautiful it is out here,” Sierra said as she breathed in the warm, spring air and gazed up at the flawless night sky filled with dazzling stars. It was a breathtakingly beautiful night, one that she would never forget due to the arrival of Morning Star’s foal. Just as she was looking up at the brilliant stars a perfect name for Morning Star’s foal popped into her head. Twinkle.
“How does the sky in New York compare?” Caleb asked, finally giving in to his curiosity about Sierra’s life in New York. He’d always wondered about her life in New York, ever since he’d heard through the grapevine that she was attending college there. In the ensuing years after she’d graduated from NYU he’d heard that she was making a living in the city as a photographer. Was she happy? Did she have a boyfriend? Someone she loved? Countless friends? A penthouse apartment? Those questions had rattled around in his brain while the answers had always eluded him.
Sierra shrugged and said in a wistful voice, “I don’t know. I never looked at the sky in New York.”
Caleb felt incredulous. “Never? That seems almost impossible.” Caleb looked at her closely, watching her eyes as they filled with a look of despair and loneliness. He was shocked by the look of emptiness he saw in her eyes, for he’d always imagined her living a perfect life in New York City, one filled with parties and celebrities, champagne toasts and dancing till dawn. Judging by the look on her face, it hadn’t been quite the bed of roses he’d imagined.
She wrapped her arms around her midsection, head downcast, her locks of hair swinging over her forehead and hiding her emotions from view. “New York is the biggest, most bustling city in the United States. You can go out at four o’clock in the morning and find a city that’s still hasn’t gone to sleep yet. It’s amazing. When the city's all lit up at night it twinkles like a Christmas tree. It's gorgeous. But when you’re like us, raised in wide open spaces with neighbors that you know on a first name basis...well, New York isn’t like home.”
“So you don’t like living in New York?” Caleb asked in a surprised voice.
“No, it’s not that I don’t like it,” she said with a shaky smile. “It’s just that it was never home to me. It always felt like a place I was visiting.”
“Then why didn’t you come home?” he asked harshly, his eyes glittering dangerously with an emotion that she couldn’t define. She couldn’t imagine why he was so angry at her for not coming home, but the look on his face didn’t lie.
She shrugged her shoulders in response, unable to explain to him the web of secrets and lies that had kept her far away in New York for so many years.
“Just tell me one thing, Sierra,” he asked impatiently. “For too long I’ve asked myself this question without ever getting any answers. After you left I had sleepless nights and nightmares...I used to wake up in the middle of the night dripping with sweat because I was so scared.” Caleb turned away from her, his broad shoulders hunched with tension and his features grim in profile.
“For a while I obsessed over it and I ended up drinking to make the pain go away. The only think drinking did was mess my life up even more.” He looked pained as he reflected on his former life and the struggles he’d encountered. Bravely, he took a deep breath and said, “I need to know the truth, however bad it may be.”
“What is it that you want to know?” Sierra could see the torment etched on his face when he turned toward her, and she wanted to do everything in her power to ease his pain.
“Tell me if I did something to make you leave Texas. Tell me if you were running away from me.” Caleb’s voice sounded hoarse with emotion and his face reflected his anxiety. Clearly, he had waited eight years for an answer to his question.
Without hesitation Sierra responded, “Absolutely not! You didn’t do anything wrong, Caleb!”
He let out an audible sigh of relief, the look of tension immediately disappearing from his face. “You must think I’m a fool. I must sound ridiculous to you, still searching for reasons why you left me.”
“You were never a fool. I was the fool.” Sierra reached out and touched Caleb’s hand, raising it to her lips and kissing it. “Please believe that I never meant to hurt you, although I know I did. I loved you very much, Caleb. You were my world.”
Caleb looked at her with disbelief, surprised at her sudden declaration, yet still confused by the past. His tawny eyes turned fiery as he asked, “Then why did you leave me? Why did you end things without a single word of explanation? I haven’t heard one thing that makes sense.”
The look of anger and pain etched on his face was almost too much for her to bear. Hot tears flowed down her cheeks at the knowledge that she was the cause of Caleb’s pain. All she’d ever wanted to do was to give him love and to be loved by him in return. And ultimately, she’d been his downfall, the reason he’d lost his way and his faith. “It wasn’t my choice. I was young...she-,” she began tearfully.
“She? What are you talking about?” he interrupted, his features marred by a fierce scowl.
Finally, the words came tumbling out of her mouth, halting and slow. “My grandmother. She told me..this is so hard.”
“What? What did she tell you?” he demanded, his patience at an end.
“She told me that you were my half brother.” The words came out of her mouth in a voice strangled with emotion. As soon as she uttered the words she wanted to take them back, to erase the past few seconds so that she could undo her decision to tell the truth. But it was too late to take the words back. She took a deep breath and braced herself for Caleb’s reaction. Sierra didn’t have to wait long. Caleb’s face was as dark and ominous as a storm cloud.
***
For a moment Caleb thought he might be hearing her incorrectly. Then, he took a look at the tense expression etched on her face. Tears shone in her eyes. He reached for her, gently pulling her toward him as he asked in a raised voice, “She what? What are you talking about?”
Gulping back the tears, Sierra stammered, “L-Lilliana Rose told me that you were my half brother...the result of an affair between your mother and my father.”
“That’s a lie!” Caleb yelled, his bronze face darkening with rage at the sordid revelation. At that moment he thanked his lucky stars that Lilliana Rose was already dead and buried, because if she’d been alive he would’ve tracked her down and given her the tongue lashing she deserved but had probably never received in life.
“I know it’s a lie, Caleb. Now I know the truth. But back then, I didn’t know it was all a lie. I believed her.”
Caleb gaped at her with wide-eyed disbelief. For the life of him he couldn’t fathom what he was hearing. Sierra was an intelligent woman, yet she’d believed a crazy story that had broken them up and separated them. Nothing about this made any sense. Not even her grandmother’s treacherous actions. “Why? Why would she tell you such a wicked lie? How could she have done it?” he asked in a dazed voice. “Why did she hate me so much?”
“Because of your grandfather,” she whispered tearfully. “She loved him and he broke her heart. She didn’t want the two of us together because of what happened in the past. The bitterness ate her up. And she didn’t want the cycle to repeat with the two of us.”
He listened, first in disbelief, then in mounting horror as her words sank into his consciousness.
Her story was incredible, but he knew instinctively it was true. A fiery anger was beginning to grow within him, an anger that was explosive and as powerful as any emotion he’d ever felt. He’d suffered all this time for nothing. He’d lost precious years with the love of his life due to an old woman’s selfish whims.
For a moment Caleb’s eyes glazed over and he traveled back to that long ago day when his heart had been broken. “I went to your house to look for you when I hadn’t heard from you in a couple of days. Your grandmother answered the door of course, and she told me that you went to Paris for the summer.” Caleb involuntarily shivered at the memory, his body tensing up as if he was preparing for a physical blow. It was how he’d felt that day. Battered. Bruised. Beaten down by life. “She made me think that there were other boys in your life and that you didn’t care a bit about me. She treated me like human garbage,” he snarled, the old ghosts rising to the surface and threatening to choke him.
“I’m sorry for everything she did,” Sierra whispered, her eyes brimming with tears. “I never knew anything about your coming to the house, I promise. Lilliana Rose kept it a secret.”
“Your grandmother was not a good woman,” he spit out. He could barely contain his rage as he viciously kicked a mound of dirt with the tip of his cowboy boot. “There’s so much I’d like to say about her, but I don’t want to disrespect you, Sierra.”
She reached out and touched his arm. “The past is in the past. We still have the future. No one can take that away from us.” It was as close as she’d gotten to wearing her heart on her sleeve since she’d been back in Briarwood. Now was the moment, she thought, to let him know that she still loved him. She would let him know that she’d always loved him even in the darkest hours when her grandmother had convinced her that they had no future together.
“Do you honestly think it’s that easy? Wake up, Sierra,” he said coldly, moving away from her. “For years I’ve believed that you betrayed me. I thought you turned your back on our love. To be brutally honest, I was left wondering if I even knew what love was.” Angrily, he paced back and forth, his turbulent emotions visible on his face. “Can you even imagine the hell I went through?”
“Yes, I can, because I was in the same hell. I left everything I loved behind me...my family, my home, and most especially you. You were the best part of me, and I was lost without you.”
No emotion registered on Caleb’s face as he answered, “You had choices, and you acted on them. I didn’t have any choices. All my decisions were made for me by other people. You, your grandmother....what gave you the right to withhold the truth from me?”
“I...I thought I was doing the best thing possible for everyone. I knew how devastated you would be if I told you what my grandmother told me. I knew it could destroy both of our families.” By this time tears were freely flowing down Sierra’s face and she didn’t bother to wipe them away - it was a small vanity that she couldn’t afford at this moment while baring her soul. She felt as if all her barriers had been torn down, leaving her exposed and naked and incredibly vulnerable.
Although Caleb’s every instinct was urging him to take Sierra in his arms and wipe away her tears, he knew he couldn’t do it. Not now. Maybe not ever. Tonight’s confession had been intended to clear the air, but all it had done in his mind was to confuse the issue. He’d thought he’d known this woman, if only for a short period of time when they were teenagers in love. He’d thought that she was his soul mate, his other half. But he’d been wrong. He hadn’t known Sierra at all. The woman he thought he’d known would’ve come straight to him with the truth and together they would have waded through Lilliana Rose’s lies. And they would have uncovered the truth together, he agonized, if she’d trusted him half as much as she’d trusted her grandmother.
“But at least it would have been honest,” Caleb said with a shake of his head. “Instead of your grandmother’s sick and twisted lies.”
“I believed those lies,” Sierra answered. “Why can’t you understand that? I was faced with an impossible dilemma.”
“I understand all that,” he said impatiently. “What I don’t understand is why you didn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth. We could have sorted through the bad things together. Instead you shut me out...you packed up your things and left town.”
“For goodness sakes,” she shouted. “Why do you refuse to see even a hint of what I was going through? I was eighteen years old. I trusted my grandmother and I believed in her. I had no reason to think she would lie to me.”
He didn’t respond, his face a dark mask of anger and disappointment as he leaned on the fence. He looked so unapproachable standing there, as if a part of him had closed off from her the moment she’d told him the truth - the exact same moment that she’d released herself from years of bondage.
Hot tears flowed down her cheeks at the anger in his words, fury that she knew was directed towards her. “You blame me for everything, don’t you? she asked incredulously, realizing that her every fear in telling Caleb the truth was coming to fruition. “You blame me even more than you blame my grandmother. Don’t you?”
He turned away from her, his face downcast as if he sought to hide the emotions that were swirling within him. He raised a hand as if to ward her off, and he looked like he was ready to burst if she pushed him any further. “Leave it alone, Sierra!” he ordered, his face set in grim lines.
“Talk to me,” she pleaded as she gently turned him around to face her. “If we’re ever going to get past it we have to face it head on. Frankly, I’m tired of living in the past.”
“Yes!” Caleb exploded, his eyes fiery and filled with a wild pain mingled with rage. “I blame you. Only you.” He glared at Sierra who looked as if she’d been kicked in the stomach. Her beautiful face was turning paler by the minute, the deep-set, doe eyes looking frantic and a bit wild.
“You didn’t trust me, you didn’t trust your daddy...you didn’t even trust yourself,” he raged. “I loved you. And you said you loved me. We talked about marriage and the future...we dreamed together. I wanted to marry you. When you left -.” Caleb’s voice cracked with emotion and he paused for a moment to collect himself.
“When you left, I wanted to die. I had to keep reminding myself that you weren’t worth dying for. I tried to convince myself that our love was just an illusion, a trick of the human heart. But as time went by I came to realize that it wasn’t an illusion...it was real, and you killed it. After you left I could still smell the scent of your hair, that scent of vanilla that hovered about you like a halo. I could still remember how your skin felt against mine...so soft.” His voice lessened to a whisper as he said, “You broke my heart.”
Caleb hoisted himself off of the fence and viciously kicked a mound of dirt, watching with deadened eyes as a cloud of dirt swirled around in the air. With his hand clenched in a fist at his side, he turned away from her and began walking toward Hollis’ truck, every line of his body betraying his inner turmoil.
“Caleb!” she called out, knowing that they needed to talk things through if they were ever to find a way out of the darkness that was swallowing them up. Although she knew he heard her calling him, he continued to walk away from her, his steps sure and strong.
“Please, Caleb,” she begged, “please, come back to me.”
As she watched him climb into Hollis’ truck and listened as he revved the engine, she made one last attempt to make him listen. She ran towards the truck like lightning, her legs moving faster than she’d ever thought possible. Once she reached the truck, she banged her fists against the window, her face practically plastered against the glass in an attempt to force Caleb to look at her. When Caleb finally turned toward her he looked angry enough to kill. His eyes were filled with a pulsating rage that radiated through the pane of glass, a blazing anger that left her trembling and frightened.
The truck disappeared into the velvety night, taking all of her hope with it. Why hadn’t she told him about her own pain and loss? She'd told him none of it. What about her loneliness? What about her broken heart? She didn’t dare tell him how much she’d hated New York when she’d moved there and the total desolation she’d felt being so alone in a huge city that had nearly eaten her up alive.
She hadn’t dared to tell him that every time it rained she remembered the first time they’d ever kissed on that rainy afternoon. She didn’t get a chance to tell him how she’d clung to an old football shirt that he’d given her, a shirt she’d slept with every night for three years straight. A shirt that smelled of warm, spring nights and Johnson’s baby oil. A shirt that had belonged to the boy who’d stolen her heart as surely as she’d given hers away.
She hadn’t told him any of those things, although she’d been hoping that if he looked closely enough he would’ve seen it. Long ago they’d been able to look into each other eyes and see the truth radiating from within. They'd always been able to ferret out each other’s secrets and truths. But, she reminded herself, many years had come and gone since they’d shared such an intimate connection. Had too much time gone by? Was it possible to reclaim what they’d lost so long ago? Or was it a shadowy will-of-the-wisp, something fleeting that now lay out of reach?
The look on his face when she’d told him the truth - stark pain mingled with utter disillusionment - had almost been enough to drive her to her knees. It had been far worse than the blazing anger he’d shown towards her before he’d driven off into the night. Once again, without meaning to, she’d caused him unimaginable pain. And when he’d driven away from her in a cloud of dust and smoke, his tires squealing into the night, it had felt like goodbye.