Chapter Eighteen

Now

It’s been a month since my passionate kiss with Kaden. A full month since we nearly consumed each other. I was correct though. After a three-day weekend, I’ve had plenty of time to realize I made a mistake, plenty of time to choose the kind of person I want to be and the kind of life I want to live. I walk into the offices feeling stronger.

If I miss a morning workout, I don’t do another night one. I may be stronger, but I’m also not going to test my limits. It’s more difficult to resist temptation when darkness falls. I wonder why. Maybe it’s a different pull in the air, less oxygen, or maybe it’s exhaustion. Who knows? I know better than to tempt fate though.

I see Kaden the very next day, and I can’t read the expression in his eyes. But he must be able to read mine. Because I see disappointment flash in his eyes, and I almost feel guilty. I have to remind myself I’m doing nothing wrong by not being with him. It’s wrong if I cave in to my desires and take what isn’t mine to take.

My husband comes home Saturday morning, apologizing profusely, saying his phone died, and he was out with Tony. They’d drunk too much so he crashed in his spare room. There’s no reason for me to not believe him. There’s a part of me that wants it to be a lie, wants to think he was off with some woman so I won’t feel as guilty as I do.

That part of me wants to check his story with Tony. But even if Mason wasn’t there, Tony will cover for him. They’re best friends, and they’ll die for each other. I don’t ask anyway, not because I fear a lie, but because, if I can’t trust what my husband says to me, our marriage truly is over. I’m not ready to admit that. I don’t believe it is, but I don’t know why.

One day melts into the next, and the burdens I carry begin to lift. Kaden is gone more often than he’s here. I always know when he’s in the offices. His presence is impossible to miss. I swear he changes the very air with his existence. He’s a man the world revolves around. I wonder what it’s like to be him.

It won’t take long for a person to be consumed by him, to lose every single piece of themselves while he grows stronger. I don’t need that in my life. The sad thing is I still dream about him, I still wonder. I don’t know when that will stop.

Things are slightly better at home. I wonder if Mason realizes I’m on the line about what to do. I wonder if he wants to fix our marriage. We don’t talk about it. We still don’t make love very often, but we share meals and tell each other how our days went. It’s all so . . . so . . . I don’t know, Leave it to Beaver maybe.

Each day I look in the mirror and feel better about myself. The sexual frustration I feel does incredible things to my body. I gaze in the mirror and see two perfect lines on my stomach, see where my hips jut out in a nice curve. That inch I wanted to lose on my thighs is gone, and my calves have shape, making me feel like a million bucks in a pair of heels.

Even with these changes, Mason isn’t interested in lovemaking. I’m beginning to think it really isn’t about me. Yes, we do it sometimes, and yes he kisses me nearly daily, but it’s that awful obligatory kiss, not a passionate one — not like the one I shared with Kaden. That kiss told me exactly how much he wants me. That kiss made me feel as if I’m the only woman in the world.

We’ve had one more meeting since the last one, and tonight we’re having another. I’m more confident as I step into the blue room. This time I wait, not wanting to be alone with Kaden. I know he won’t push me, won’t do anything to make me feel uncomfortable — at least not on purpose.

The thing is, though, just being in his presence makes me feel things I don’t want to feel. It’s hard enough to be around him in a crowded room. To be alone with him is nearly impossible. I’ve managed to avoid it for quite some time.

He’s there when I walk in. As if he can sense me as much as I sense him, his head turns, his eyes grasping onto mine. I still for a moment lost in the hunger of that gaze. It feels like an eternity though it can’t be more than a second or two.

I put my head down and make my way to my seat. If anyone witnesses the look between us they’ll assume something is going on. So far I haven’t heard a single peep about our kiss. I think we got away with it. I don’t know if Kaden bribed the security guards, or if no one caught anything, not even on camera. Kaden says there are no cameras in the gym to protect everyone’s privacy. There certainly were none in the locker rooms, and of course none are in his office, but I still worried about it for days.

The meeting begins and I look at him as he speaks, without appearing as if I’m staring. Everyone looks at him. And while his eyes rest on me often, it’s no more than he looks at the others. There’s an intensity when his eyes meet mine that everyone must see. But no one seems to notice.

I speak a few times and have to stop myself from fidgeting in my seat when all attention is on me. I speak quietly at first, then gain more confidence in what I say as I see the positive looks on people’s faces. They like my contribution. It makes me feel on top of the world.

“That’s great, Miranda,” Dell says, a senior VP. I give him a dazzling smile.

“I agree, Dell. Miranda, you’ll come on the Vegas trip,” Kaden says.

My heart stops for at least two seconds. I worry I’m about to have a heart attack. I look at him, feeling the color wash from my face.

“What?” I ask, the word barely a whisper. Maybe I heard wrong.

“This is your idea, and I think you’ve earned the right to present it,” he tells me.

I gulp. There’s a round of applause. No one seems jealous. More importantly no one appears as if I’m getting a special favor or there’s some sort of devious objective to accompanying Kaden on this trip. Still, I’m scared. Not scared of Kaden. I’ll never be afraid of him. I’m scared of what I might do if I go on this trip. If I let my defenses down for even a minute.

“How many people are going?” I ask.

Kaden rattled off a list of names. I let out the breath I’ve been holding and slowly feel color return to my cheeks. Half a dozen people are coming along. We aren’t going to be alone. I can handle this. I’ll probably not even see him while there. He doesn’t need to be with his employees while they are pitching ideas. He’ll be off with the other big wigs getting wined and dined.

I smile. “Thank you, Sir. That sounds wonderful,” I say, actually meaning the words.

The meeting breaks up after that and Kaden calls out to me as people begin leaving the room. It’s nearly midnight. I hadn’t felt the time pass as we sat around the table, ideas flying, excitement brewing. There’s no work tomorrow. He gave us the day off.

As the room empties I stand at the back of my chair and look longingly at the door. A few people say a couple more words to Kaden then quickly hightail it from the room. I stay right where I am, gripping the back of the chair with white fingers. I might fall over if I let go.

“Yes, Sir?” I finally say when I can speak.

“Sir?” he says with a raised brow. “I sort of like that,” he adds with a glint in his eyes. I glare at him, not amused. I wait to see what he wants.

“You know you’ve earned this trip, right?” he asks.

I’m not one-hundred-percent sure, but from the reactions of the other employees it seems it hasn’t been given to me because I made out with the boss a month earlier.

“I just had an idea,” I say, hating that I’m so unsure. I want to own my accomplishments. No, I don’t want to make work my entire focus in life, but I appreciate when I do a good job, and I want to work the best I can.

“You had a brilliant idea. This trip has nothing to do with you and me,” he assures me.

I look around the room in panic, my gaze going straight to the door. I listen for a moment, letting out a breath of relief when I hear no one walking nearby.

“Please don’t say things like that here,” I beg him. He smiles.

“Nothing has happened. What are you so worried about?” he asks. Since it’s more than obvious I’m not coming to him, he moves from where he stands and comes closer to me. Retreat is the only thing on my mind. But I don’t move.

“We kissed.” My voice is barely audible.

“I’d love to do more of that. All you have to do is say the word,” he tells me. He rests his fingers next to one of my hands that’s still clutching the chair. He doesn’t move close enough for us to touch, but he’s close enough for me to feel him. That’s almost worse. Anticipation is real.

“You know it can’t happen,” I say, my voice filled with regret.

“How are things with your husband?” he asks, the last word coming out as almost a taunt.

“They’re wonderful,” I lie, false cheer in my tone. “I feel like a newlywed, if I’m being honest.”

I can’t look him in the eyes as I say this. I’ve never been a very good liar. It’s a quality some say is a good trait, but in the lives of movers and shakers it isn’t something I’m happy about.

He doesn’t say anything, and I want to look at him, want to see if he believes what I’m saying. We stand there for an endless amount of time. I finally can’t take it anymore. His hand doesn’t move, his body doesn’t move. He’s barely giving me any space. But he doesn’t say a word. I look up.

There’s a tender expression on his face as he gazes at me. He seems to have all the time in the world — all the time for me. I don’t know what to do with that, don’t know what to think about it. I suddenly feel close to crying. I haven’t told anyone about my problems with Mason, not even Audrey. I haven’t talked to her in quite a while actually. I haven’t realized how long. Has it been six months? Longer? I don’t know. I don’t want to call her, though. She knows me. She’ll know in seconds that something is wrong.

“Liar,” he says. The word is spoken so softly it takes me a minute to process it, to realize he called me on my BS. My body trembles. I want to look away, and once again I can’t. He captures my gaze and isn’t letting it go.

He doesn’t move his body, but his fingers shift. Not a lot, just the tiniest bit. His pinkie finger covers mine. It’s a gesture a friend might make, but there’s nothing friendly in the way I feel toward Kaden. Red hot lava flows through my system. His pinkie brushes mine and my body tightens. I’m held by his gaze. I’m lost. I’m ready to admit it all to him, to beg him to make me feel wanted — needed — beautiful — appreciated.

“Anytime,” he says, his voice husky. He still doesn’t make a move. I’m visibly shaking as I gaze at him.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know if I’m about to cave. I’ll never know. Because just then there’s a loud crash in the hallway followed by a curse word.

I rip my gaze from Kaden then pull my hand free. I don’t say another word as I turn and walk from the room. Dell is picking up a pile of folders as he continues mumbling. He must be in a rush to exit the building and he’s walked straight into one of the beautiful plants, knocking it over and dropping everything in his arms.

“You don’t have to help me. I’m sure you want to get out of here,” he says. Though he’s obviously grateful for the assistance.

“It’s no problem. I hope you won’t leave me here doing it on my own when I do the exact same thing,” I say with a laugh.

He smiles at me, a boyish smile that lights his eyes. “Thanks,” he says. “And you can count on it.”

“Why don’t we walk out together? I’ll feel better with company since it’s so late. I’m going to have to take a taxi. I’m sure the busses aren’t running this late.”

“I have my car. I’ll give you a ride home,” he says.

“That’s okay, Dell. I appreciate it, but it’s late, and I’m sure you need to get home,” I say, not wanting to be a burden.

“I can give you a ride,” Kaden says, bending to pick up the last folder. I didn’t realize he’d approached us. That’s a first since I’ve met him. I’m in a panic. I can’t say no to him in front of Dell, and have Dell thinking there’s a reason I don’t want to be alone with Kaden.

“Where do you live?” Dell reasonably asks.

“On the West Side about fifteen minutes from here.” I feel panic in my voice.

“That’s the opposite way for you, boss. I got this,” Dell says. The man doesn’t see Kaden’s eyes narrow. I look away afraid I’ll blush at any minute. I’d gladly smack a big one on Dell right now for saving me.

“If it really is no problem, I’ll accept, Dell,” I say, my voice grateful.

“I insist. Let’s get out of here before the boss gives us more to do.”

I laugh as I fall into step beside him as we make our way to the elevator. Dell calls out a goodbye to Kaden but I don’t. I hope against hope Kaden won’t join us on the ride down. It won’t be quite as bad as the two of us being alone in it, but it would remind me of our first ride together and all the desire I felt that day.

Dell pushes the button and the doors close with only the two of us in it. I let out a sigh of relief, much louder than I intend. I’m leaving and there’s no work tomorrow, so I can breathe a little.

“I give out that same sigh sometimes,” Dell says with another laugh.

“Do you ever get grumpy?” I ask. “You always seem to be in such a good mood.”

“What do I have to be grumpy about? I love my job, have a great wife, two monster children, and a family that can sometimes be overwhelming, but I adore them. Yeah, I have off days, but for the most part I like to look at the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow rather than the storm that brought the rainbow in the first place,” he tells me.

“I’ve never heard that before. It’s beautiful,” I say. “I think I’m going to print that and put it on my wall.”

The elevator reaches the underground garage and we walk to his minivan. I smile at him and he shrugs as if to say he’s a family man. It makes me smile that much more.

“Go ahead and use it,” he says as he unlocks the car. “Just make sure you write Dell the Master at the bottom.”

“Does your wife call you Dell the Master?” I ask.

He laughs again, true joy in his voice.

“Not even on the best of days.” He’s still chuckling as he pulls out onto the nearly empty roads. “But I sure as heck call her great.” There’s so much adoration in Dell’s voice I can’t help but feel jealous. I remember when Mason spoke of me that way, when he looked at me like I was the center of his universe.

The evil voice in my head tries telling me Kaden looks at me like that. It’s a thought I have no business thinking. Besides, he’s only looking at me that way because I’m not his. The second he wins me as some sort of trophy, he’ll quickly lose interest.

Another woman will come along and he’ll lose interest in the cat and mouse game with me. I want to be glad about that, but I’m not. It isn’t as if I’m going to have to see him romancing the woman. Even if I do, I don’t have the right to feel anything about it.

Dell and I chat on the drive home; it only takes about ten minutes. There’s virtually no traffic. I thank him for the ride and make my way inside. I’m going to make love to my husband whether he wants to or not. I need him to want me. I need him to make me feel special before I do something else to make me feel that way.

I strip off my clothes and walk straight into his studio, placing a false smile on my lips. I’m not giving him a chance to say no this time.

“Mason, I’m home.” I turn my voice into a seductive purr.

“Well heeeelllloooo, Miranda,” Tony says, a low whistle in his voice.

I freeze where I stand as Mason turns from his painting, his mouth dropping open before he begins laughing. Tony’s sitting on the couch with a cold beer, and he isn’t trying to hide the fact that he’s ogling me.

Finally I screech and run from the room. Both Mason and Tony chuckle and the last thing I hear before I slam the bedroom door is Tony telling Mason he’s a very lucky man. I don’t try to hear my husband’s reply.

Sex is definitely not happening now.