Chapter Thirty-Nine

Now

It’s amazing how much easier it becomes to justify your own actions. Guilt can only last for so long and then it gets pushed down, and down, and down. Pretty soon you live your life as normal.

You may have stress. You may even have twinges of conscious. But it’s easy to justify things in your own mind. You make up excuses. You tell yourself everything is going to be okay, that it’s better for you to not always tell the truth, because sometimes the truth is too hurtful. Sometimes the truth shatters you instead of setting you free.

And that’s how I stay with my husband while I have an affair with Kaden. I can’t even call it an affair. It’s a second relationship. But the longer it goes on, the more demanding he becomes.

When we first met, he was happy I was married. He didn’t want commitment. But there’s something between us that, as much as we both want to, we can’t deny.

We connect. We feel each other. It was supposed to be about sex, nothing more. Emotions weren’t going to get involved. Jealousy wasn’t a factor. It was two people filling a need for one another. Nothing less and nothing more.

Nothing that involved lies and sex ever goes smoothly. Emotions were involved — for both of us.

We’ve been having sex for three months. That’s three full months of deceit to my husband, my family, my friends. Well, everyone except Audrey. She knows everything. If she wasn’t around, I don’t know if I could have survived any of this. But I don’t say a word to anyone at work, and Kaden and I no longer do anything at the office. I want zero chance of being found out.

So far rumors haven’t started. I don’t want to go to his house, and I certainly won’t bring him to mine. Mason travels more for work now. I hardly see him. Maybe that helps me justify what I’m doing.

But to make me happy, Kaden rented an apartment in Vancouver. It isn’t a long drive from work, and it’s tucked away where people don’t know us. We never go there during the day. We never stay the night. That’s too intimate. I’m afraid if I do, I’ll never go back home. It might be time to admit that’s what needs to happen.

But I can’t leave. Mason and I never make love anymore. It dwindled long ago, and I haven’t made love to him since Kaden and I began our affair. He hasn’t seemed to notice, hasn’t come to me and tried.

I don’t know what I’ll do if he does. I can’t be that woman who makes love to two different men. It scared me in the beginning. And then slowly the fear died just as the guilt did.

Kaden and I have our first big fight and I leave our apartment while he’s in the shower. He wants me to get a divorce. I tell him he can’t change the rules now, if he’s unhappy he should leave me. The look he gives me is full of fury and frustration as he coldly tells me he can’t.

It’s late and I’m walking the Vancouver city streets alone. I promised my father I wouldn’t do that, but I’ve broken a lot of promises to a lot of people I love — especially in the last six months.

I wrap my arms tightly around myself as I walk in the cold. Just as Kaden can’t leave me, I’m very aware I can’t leave him. No matter how much we hurt each other that dark pull between us doesn’t loosen its grip.

As late as it is, people still mill about the city, vendors line up on the corners, businesses begin to close. I’m angry, but that’s more to cover up the hurt I feel.

I don’t want Kaden to make me choose. I want to keep both of my worlds intact. I don’t care if it isn’t right. He knew who I was when he pursued me. I can’t help that he now wants me to change.

I can’t stand the cold any longer, and I find a corner deli that doesn’t have a lot of customers. I go inside, grateful I threw my jeans on because there are a couple of twenties in the pocket. I left my purse, my phone, and everything else behind.

Kaden is probably going a little insane with me gone. But I don’t want to worry about anything. I need a few minutes to gather my emotions, to figure out what comes next between us.

I try to eat something but that’s a failure so I drink a glass of wine and know it’s time to go back. If I want to quit feeling like a terrible person, I need to stop running.

It takes a while to get back to our apartment. I didn’t realized how far I had wandered. When I walk in the front door, Kaden is standing there, a furious look on his face, his body tense. I close the door and wait. Is our fight going to continue?

“Where have you been?” he spits out. He’s barely containing himself. I’ve seen him in many different moods, but never this upset.

“I went for a walk. I don’t like fighting with you.” My voice is calm. I’ve had time to smooth out my emotions, tell myself it isn’t as bad as I’m making it.

“Do you know how dangerous it is for you to walk alone in the city? You didn’t have your purse or your phone. I went looking for you and couldn’t find you. I was about to call the cops.”

His tone quiets but he’s still upset. He stands back from me, clenching his hands together. I take a tentative step in his direction.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left like that. I don’t want to fight,” I tell him. He doesn’t retreat from me as I move closer. “I don’t want this to end. I don’t know what I want,” I admit.

“I want you,” he says, his tone raw. I know how hard it is for him to make himself vulnerable like this. I know it’s costing him a lot.

“I want you too. I love you, Kaden.”

We both freeze as the words come out. I’ve never said them before. Love isn’t part of our agreement.

“I . . . I can’t . . .” He stops. His anger drains and he looks miserable.

“You can’t love me. I know that,” I tell him.

“Miranda . . .” He stops speaking as if he has no way of getting the words past his throat. I know it’s more of a matter of him being unable to get them out of his mind.

“Kaden, I know who you are. I’ve known from the moment I met you. It hasn’t seemed to matter. It’s as if we’re two separate storm fronts in the middle of the ocean, circling each other and then bam, all of the sudden we collide. We don’t need explanations, or ultimatums. We need to just be . . .” Now it’s my turn for the words to trail off. I take a deep breath. “I think that’s all, actually. I think we just need to be. There doesn’t need to be another word added.”

“But we aren’t just us. You aren’t free,” he says.

“Neither are you, Kaden. That’s not an accusation. It just is what it is. I have a husband I love . . . in an entirely different way than I love you. And you have a past you can’t seem to let go of. Maybe one day we’ll both be free. Maybe we won’t. But if we aren’t willing to let each other go, why keep fighting about it? Why do we need to make the pain worse?”

There is so much misery in his eyes.

“I want to tell you you’re wrong,” he says.

“I know. I want to be wrong,” I reply.

We stand close, not touching. I wait. This moment will tell me what comes next. This will either make us stronger or rip us apart. I’m not sure I’ll survive either option.

“This shouldn’t happen. I have feelings for you, and if I was a less selfish man I’d set you free,” he finally says.

He lifts his hand and gently brushes the hair away from my face, then runs his finger down my cheek before resting his palm against my rapidly beating heart.

“I guess I could say the same.” I take the final step to him and raise my arms. I need to touch him, to be with him. “Make love to me.”

He groans as he lifts me, carrying me to our room. There isn’t much in the apartment, but the bedroom is decked out luxuriously. It’s where we spend most of our time.

Tonight I don’t try to leave. Tonight I can’t leave.