Nicolette
Brenda and I always got lunch together – it was just one of our many rituals at Stephens & Coolidge. I felt happy and confident that I was finally making a real friend in Durango, even if I couldn’t help but feel a little self-conscious. I was really out of practice when it came to talking with strangers. And I had that past, after all. I couldn’t hide it forever, but I knew it would be wise to try.
“You want salads or burgers today?” Brenda leaned over my desk with her hands on her hips. “Come on, it’s 12:10! Normally we’re already eating!” She rubbed her stomach with one hand and started to laugh.
“All right, all right,” I replied, pretending to grumble as I stood up from my desk and pulled a cardigan from one of the bottom drawers. “What do you think about sushi, actually?” I pulled a face. “I’ve been craving it, and I can’t understand why.”
Brenda laughed. “Sounds good to me, Kabuki?”
I nodded. Kabuki was right around the corner from Stephens & Coolidge. I liked the small restaurant a lot – it was one of the best things I’d found in Durango. The servers always remembered us by name and it had a cute, small-town feel despite being a trendy sushi café.
The weather outside had turned sunny and warm. Sometimes, I had to admit that I really missed Carlsbad. Durango wasn’t like California; we had an actual winter. And snow. And ice storms. I shuddered; I hadn’t even been in town for more than a month and a half and I was already dreading winter.
We’d just arrived at Kabuki and let ourselves inside. The owner had waved and pointed towards a corner table. As I took my cardigan off and folded it inside my purse, I sighed.
“Uh oh,” Brenda said. “You look pissed, what is it?”
“Nothing,” I said. “Just getting used to the fact that I don’t live in California anymore.” I raised my eyebrows. “You know. Winter and all that.” I shuddered and wrapped my arms around myself. “I don’t know how I’m going to handle it. I didn’t even have closed-toed shoes until like, last week!”
Brenda hooted with laughter. She passed me a menu but I left it facedown on the table. I’d been starving not ten minutes ago but suddenly my appetite had completely disappeared. Besides, I knew what I’d order anyway: a California roll and a lobster king special. It was my usual order, and the staff probably could have made it for me in their sleep. But all the same, it was delicious.
“Are you okay?” Brenda asked, once she was finished laughing. “I mean, did something happen?”
I shook my head. “No, not really,” I lied. “I just wanted a change of scene. You know, I’d been in Carlsbad my whole life. And it’s not like I went to college – so I sort of stayed the same while all my friends grew up.” And left me when I got involved with an abusive biker, I thought grimly.
Brenda frowned. “Are you not happy here?” Before I could reply, she continued: “I know it’s real hard makin’ new friends and all. But you’re doing a great job. You’re so sweet and nice.” She squinted. “It’s hard to believe you don’t have a boyfriend yet! I noticed one of the interns checking you out the other day!”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, right,” I said. “More like staring at my tattoos.”
“Come on, be fair,” Brenda replied. “It was Matty. Don’t you think he’s cute? That blonde hair and blue eyes?” She sighed dramatically. “If I were about ten years younger, I’d go for him myself. He’s dreamy!”
I bit my lip. “Not exactly my type,” I pointed out as diplomatically as I could.
Brenda laughed. “So what is your type?”
I wrinkled my forehead. “Um, tall and tattooed,” I said. “Lots of black leather. Drives a motorcycle.” I winced as I realized I’d basically described Jack to a T. You’re supposed to be getting along without him, I thought with dismay. “You know, maybe I will ask Matty out,” I said suddenly. “I dated a biker guy before and it didn’t go well.”
Brenda nodded wisely. “My uncle’s a biker,” she said, sipping her plastic glass of water. “And he’s kind of a jerk. He has a girlfriend, but he steps out on her all the time. And he like, always wants to party. It’s like, grow up, you’re fifty-five.”
I nodded, not wanting to tell her about Jack. “My ex was a jerk,” I admitted. “But that’s over and done with. We’re broken up. No contact and everything.”
Brenda didn’t reply; the waiter had walked over, and she was busy holding her menu up and asking him about the daily specials. I felt a sense of dread and foreboding come over me.
I still couldn’t believe I’d had the courage to leave Jack. It had been the hardest thing I’d ever done and, if I were being completely honest with myself, I regretted it sometimes. The nights were dark and I didn’t like sleeping alone. I knew he’d been an awful boyfriend, but he was all I’d ever known. After all, I’d given him so much. My virginity, my teen years, some of my youth. I’d loved him so much, and that was all I’d wanted from him: to be loved in return.
“So what happened?” Brenda asked after the waiter left. She cringed. “I ordered you your usual,” she added quickly. “You looked really lost in thought, and I didn’t wanna disturb you.”
I smiled quickly. “Yeah,” I mused. “I was just thinking about home. About Carlsbad. I don’t think I can ever go back.”
“Well, what about your folks? Are they happy you’ve settled somewhere else, or do they miss you?” She sipped her water again and fanned herself with a meaty palm. “If I were them, I’d miss you like hell,” she said. “My kid’s only in kindergarten, but I can’t imagine her moving away.” She let out a loud guffaw that embarrassed me. “I have no idea how I’m gonna cope when she goes off to college!”
My smile faltered but I kept it plastered on my face. “I’m sure they do,” I said. I hadn’t talked to either of my parents in about four years. We’d gotten in a fight about Jack, of course. They’d wanted me to leave – they’d tried convincing me it was the best thing for me. But I’d refused, and they’d said they couldn’t continue to support me when I was with someone who was so blatantly horrible to me. It had hurt at the time, but it was what I’d expected. After all, Jack had been pressuring me to cut ties with my family ever since I graduated high school. But it still stung that they didn’t want me around anymore.
I remembered my mom’s words like I’d just heard them yesterday: “Nicolette, we love you. And as soon as you want to break up with Jack and come back to us, we’ll welcome you with open arms. But we can’t support our daughter staying in a relationship with a man like that.” She’d sounded so bitter, like I was a failure. I’d shrunk back from her words like they were poison. Mom and Dad hadn’t known much about what went on between Jack and myself. They didn’t know that he’d ever laid a hand on me. They just didn’t like him because he was a biker, and because I was their goody-two-shoes daughter from the right side of the tracks.
In a way, it had made me feel slightly vindicated to ignore them. They don’t know him, I’d thought as I left their house for the last time. They don’t know he can be a good man, a decent man who treats me well.
That feeling didn’t last long. Of course, that night, the abuse started up again and I had a black eye and a fat, busted lip before morning.
“Nicolette, why don’t you call them?” Brenda asked in a gentle voice. “I’m sure they’d love to hear from you now.” She raised her eyebrows like she was a psychologist giving me much-needed advice. “You shouldn’t try to live without involving your parents in your life. They always love you, even if they’re not the best at showing that.”
I pursed my lips. “It’s fine,” I said.
When the waiter came with our food, I was relieved for the distraction. Brenda had ordered a bowl of soup and a big platter of rolls – secretly I wondered how she could eat so much – and she dug in almost immediately. My California roll and lobster king roll looked delicious, but I wasn’t hungry. I picked up my chopsticks and broke them in half, rubbing the tips together and picking up an end piece of the roll.
When the food was halfway to my mouth, I was hit with the most revolting, disgusting stench I’d ever smelled in my whole life. It was like rotten fish, garbage, and sewage all stirred together. The bile rose in my throat before I could force it back down and I quickly dropped the piece of sushi on the floor before covering my mouth with my hand and bolting off to the bathroom.
The only good thing about the whole event was that Kabuki had single stall bathrooms, and Brenda couldn’t follow me in. I puked until my throat was raw, filling the bowl with hot, sour liquid that tasted like it had come from something dead and rotting. The smell was enough to make my eyes water and tears streamed down my face as I gushed vomit into the toilet.
When I was done, I washed my mouth out and patted my sweaty face with a paper towel. The pad felt hot and coarse against my skin and I closed my eyes, suddenly dizzy.
Brenda eyed me cautiously as I approached the table. The rotten smell was still there, threatening to turn my stomach with each passing second.
“I think there’s something wrong with my food,” I said as quietly as I could manage. Kabuki was practically empty and I didn’t want the staff to hear me being rude. “It smells really horrible for some reason. I’ll just box it up and throw it away when we get back to the office.”
Brenda opened her mouth like she was going to reply, then closed her lips before she could get any words out. “Nicolette,” she said slowly, almost like she was suddenly nervous about something. “I hate to say this…but your food’s fine,” she said softly. “I can smell it from here, and it smells amazing. Want me to try a piece?”
My jaw dropped and my mouth hung open. “Sure,” I managed to choke out.
Brenda reached down with her chopsticks and lifted a piece of lobster king roll between them. She popped it into her mouth and chewed, then smiled at me cautiously. “It’s fine,” she said. “Are you…feeling okay?”
I sighed. I’d been lying to her all afternoon, but suddenly I didn’t feel like keeping up the charade any longer. “No,” I said bitterly, shaking my head. “No. I feel like shit. I just threw up the entire contents of my stomach, and I still smell that horrible smell. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
Brenda licked her lips, then set her chopsticks down and took a long swallow of water. “I hate to ask this, but is there any chance you could be pregnant?”
I could feel my eyebrows flying up before I could stop them. I stared at Brenda, wide-eyed and openmouthed.
“No,” I lied. “No. There’s no chance at all.”
# # #
When we got back to the office after lunch, I told Brenda I was sick and that I was going home. After sending an email to my bosses, I grabbed my stuff and hightailed it out of the office before anyone could ask any more questions. To be fair, I did look sick. I looked downright wretched. My skin was green and I couldn’t stop the waves of nausea that were now threatening to drown me in their wake. Thankfully, no one asked any questions as I darted out of the office and down the street to where I’d parked my car.
Durango wasn’t like Carlsbad, that was for sure. Instead of big parking garages, there were empty lots all over the place. I hustled over to my beat-up car, an old Volvo I’d driven in high school. My stomach heaved again and I had to pause and brace myself against the roof before opening the door and climbing inside. My parents had bought me the car for my sixteenth birthday, and then I’d blown them off to go hang out with Jack. When I thought of it now, I felt shame and sadness.
But there was no way I could call them, not with everything going on. After a few minutes, I felt marginally less sick so I hopped inside and drove to the nearest drugstore. As I drove, I tried to count how many weeks had passed since I’d had my last period. It was more than a few. I had stopped taking birth control before I left Jack, though there was a chance he could have tampered with it. That thought threatened to make me puke again, and I had to pull over to the side of the road and wait for the nausea to subside.
Finally, I was able to pull into the parking lot of a CVS. As I picked out a pregnancy test from the shelf, my hands were shaking. My palms were sweaty and damp, and I almost dropped the damn thing a number of times before I made it to the register to pay. Thankfully, the kid working barely even looked at me as I swiped my credit card and stuffed the pink box inside my purse before anyone else had time to see me.
At home, I paced nervously in the kitchen. I’d set a timer for three minutes, and it seemed to take forever. I flipped the stick over and stared at the box. I could see the fluid spreading over the tip and I bit my lip as I closed my eyes, waiting impatiently for the result.
Pregnant.
I groaned and closed my eyes as soon as the word appeared in the little pink box. If this were right, I was fucked.