Nicolette
There was something wet and sticky between my legs. When I looked down and saw the blood pooling between my thighs, I let out a cry of horror.
“Help me! I’m bleeding!” I shrieked. “Help!”
Charlie rushed over to my side and grabbed my hand. He looked horrible – one of his eyes was swollen shut and he had a massive purple bruise just starting to form on his cheek. His left leg was covered in a plastic brace and his right wrist was in a soft cast.
He twisted his fingers with mine. “You’re gonna be okay,” he said confidently. He brought my hand to his mouth and kissed my fingers. “Nicolette, everything’s gonna be fine, I promise.”
“Sir, you need to get back to your room,” Hannah said. She stepped between Charlie and myself but I saw she was smiling. “And we need to get you into the delivery room.”
“It hurts,” I moaned softly. Hannah pulled my bed away from the wall. She and Dr. Collins pushed me out of the dull room, into the bright hallway. I tried to crane my head and look for Charlie, but he was nowhere in sight.
“How much longer?” Dr. Collins pulled the bed to a stop and checked between my legs. “She’s almost there. Eight centimeters. We should be able to get her there without interference.”
“What?” I raised my head and tried to look at him. “What’s going on? Am I having my baby now?”
Hannah patted my shoulder as she rushed me down the hallway. “Stay strong,” she said. “Just breathe and save your strength. You’re almost done. Then you can rest.”
I wanted to fight her off. I wanted to climb out of the bed and run back to my hospital room, to pull Charlie close and let him hold me. But the pain was too much, and I closed my eyes. The sensation of being pushed through time and space was making me nauseated, and I turned my head to the side as a gush of sour vomit exploded from my mouth.
Hannah wiped my face with a cool towel as she and Dr. Collins pushed me through a set of double doors and into a bright room with lights overhead. I tried to take a deep breath but the pain was back and suddenly more difficult to deal with than ever before.
“Nicolette, you need to concentrate,” Dr. Collins said. “I’m going to give you another dose of painkillers. I know you’re in agony right now. Hannah is going to help you sit up, and I’ll make sure you’re feeling better soon.”
Hannah gripped my shoulder and helped me up. I vomited again as soon as I was sitting – the foul-tasting strands clung to my teeth and tongue even after I’d wiped my mouth. Hannah held a kidney-shaped pan underneath my jaw and wiped my brown hair out of my face.
“I’m going to inject the painkillers now,” Dr. Collins said in his soothing voice. I closed my eyes. After a few seconds, a wave of numbness began to fall over me.
“Thank you,” I said dreamily. Hannah helped me lie back down. “Am I going to have a baby now?”
Dr. Collins shook his head. “Right now, it’s important for you to relax,” he said. “Nicolette, I want you to rest. I know you’ve been through a lot. It’s been a long day for you. But you’re going to need your strength. Can you try to sleep for me?”
“Do you promise Charlie is okay?”
Dr. Collins nodded. “I promise,” he said. “Now sleep, Nicolette. And when you wake up, you should be all ready to have a baby.”
Dr. Collins and Hannah left the room, dimming the lights and closing the door as they left. It was a different room than before, with a small table and a screen. I smiled – I couldn’t help it, imagining my baby on the table, waiting for me to hold it. It’s going to be over soon, I realized. And everything’s going to be okay.
I didn’t think I’d be able to sleep, but my lids felt as heavy as iron doors. I’ll just close my eyes for a minute and try to relax, I thought. I’m so tired.
Seconds later, I blissfully drifted off to sleep.
“Mommy! Mommy!”
I looked up to see a little girl standing in front of me. She had long brown hair combed into pigtails and bright, clear skin with green eyes. Charlie’s eyes.
“I didn’t think you would look like that,” I said, surprising myself. “I didn’t think you’d have his eyes!”
The girl giggled. “Well, he’s my daddy,” she said, seeming to know exactly what I was talking about. “Mommy, you’re going to be all better soon.” She came closer and sat on my lap. She felt so real – the weight of her, the slightly sweet scent coming from her hair. “I can’t wait to meet you!”
I giggled. “That’s a funny thing to say,” I replied. “We’ve already met. We’re here, aren’t we?”
The little girl laughed again. She wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled herself close. “Mommy, I won’t let you be sad anymore,” she said. “I won’t let you be sad the way you were with him.” Her little voice turned into a growl and I realized she was talking about Jack.
“No, he’s not coming anywhere near us,” I said. “And I promise, you’re never going to be afraid of anyone like that.” I looked into her green eyes. The resemblance to Charlie was astounding – almost like he was staring right at me. “He’s going away for a long time, and you’re always going to tell your parents everything.”
The little girl giggled. “Why everything, Mommy?”
A lump formed in my throat and I looked to the sky so the tears forming in my eyes wouldn’t have a chance to drip down my cheeks. “Because,” I said, “when I was younger, I really hurt my parents. I wasn’t honest with them. And if I had been honest with them, everything would be different now.”
“Don’t be sad,” the little girl said. She squeezed her arms around my neck. “You can always tell them you’re sorry.”
I shook my head. “I don’t think I can,” I said. “But I promise, I’ll always be a good mother to you. Even if it’s just the two of us.” I smiled at her.
“I know you didn’t want me, Mommy,” the little girl said. “But that’s okay. I know I’m wanted now.”
I stared at her. “That’s not true,” I said quickly. “You were always, always wanted.” I smiled and a tear fell down my cheek. “I promise.”
“It’s time to wake up, Mommy,” the little girl said. She smiled at me and winked. “I’ll see you soon.”
When I came to, there was a sharp pressure in my abdomen. Dr. Collins and Hannah were back, and the lights in the delivery room were bright and sharp.
Hannah grinned at me. “You were out for three hours,” she said. “Can you believe that?”
I blinked at her. “Where’s my baby?” I asked drowsily. “Is she here yet?”
Hannah shook her head. “You’re almost ready to go,” she said. “You’re fully dilated. Dr. Collins’s going to tell you when you can start pushing. Right now we’re just timing your contractions.”
I watched as my belly grew hard under the hospital gown. I frowned. “Is that supposed to happen?” I shifted on the bed. “It feels so weird!”
Hannah laughed. She patted me on the head. “You’re fine,” she said. “Dr. Collins?”
“I want you to count to thirty, and then you can push,” Dr. Collins said. He nodded and held out a stopwatch. “Can you count with me?”
“I feel like I have to use the bathroom,” I moaned. “I feel like I have to push now.” I gritted my teeth and pushed hard until the air went rushing out of my lungs. “It really hurts,” I added, grabbing fistfuls of the sheet between my fingers. “Fuck!”
“Not yet,” Dr. Collins warned. “You want to save your strength.” He reached out and touched my stomach, gently prodding me.
I shifted away from his touch – it didn’t hurt, exactly, but my whole body was uncomfortable and tense. “Gah,” I cried. Another contraction gripped me and I hunched over, pressing my chin to my chest. I was sure I looked horrible – I could feel the skin on my face was flushed and hot – but I no longer cared. Hannah pushed my sweaty hair away from the back of my neck and held a cool cloth over my forehead as I pushed again, this time straining so hard my eyeballs began to ache. “It hurts!”
“I know,” Hannah said soothingly.
“And push!” Dr. Collins said quickly. “Come on!” He knelt down at the foot of the bed, between my spread legs. A sharp tearing sensation struck me between the legs and I cried out, moaning and thrashing. It felt like I was being burned all over, from over my belly to between my legs and back again.
“I’m trying!” I growled through gritted teeth. I flopped back against the mattress. As a sharp contraction gripped my belly, I arched my back.
“I’m going to hold a mirror down in front of you,” Dr. Collins said. “You can watch that for the crowning.” He put a hand on my abdomen and pushed. “Should be any second now.” I watched in horror as he lowered a hand mirror between my legs, focusing on the swollen, puffy labia. “Push!” Dr. Collins cried. “You’re almost there!”
“God!” I strained, closing my eyes and pushed once more. The burning sensation intensified and I felt a sharp tearing in my lower belly. Something huge shot out of my body and I cried out. “I did it!”
“That was the head,” Dr. Collins said soothingly. “Just one more push, now.”
Grabbing Hannah’s hand, I squeezed her fingers and pushed hard. I cried out as I felt something pass between my legs. Then there was a cry.
“My baby,” I cried weakly. “I want to see my baby, please.”
Hannah rushed over to Dr. Collins. I was barely conscious as the two of them leaned their heads together, talking seriously. After a moment of being ignored, the panic began to set in. I struggled to raise my head, to see the baby in Dr. Collins’s arms, anything. But I was feeling so weak that I could barely keep my eyes open, much less focus on sitting up and looking at my obstetrician. There was no sound in the room aside from bleeps and blips – my stomach went cold when I realized that my ears should be filled with the sounds of a baby sobbing. Why isn’t she making noise? I thought. What’s wrong with her?
“Help, please, I want to see my baby!”
Still, nothing. I felt weaker than ever and while most of the pain was gone, I still felt an odd pressure on my belly. Dr. Collins wrapped the infant in a white blanket and handed her away to another nurse.
“You’re bleeding badly,” he said. “I’m going to take you in for an emergency operation.”
Hannah leaned over and placed a tube under my nose. “Count backwards from ten,” she said.
“No!” I cried. “No! Where the hell is my baby? What’s going on? What’s wrong with me? Help!” I grabbed Hannah’s hand and pulled her face close to mine, until I could see the white of her eyes shining with fear. “What’s going on? Help me please!”
“Just hold on,” Hannah soothed. “Nicolette, I need you to hold on.”
That was the last thing I heard before everything around me went black.