Nicolette – Four Years Ago
I woke up that morning feeling excited and nervous, like butterflies were swarming around in my stomach. I had turned eighteen two weeks ago, and today was the morning of my high school graduation.
“Honey, I made pancakes,” Mom said as I slipped into the kitchen and hopped on a stool by the breakfast bar. “Your favorite, right?”
I nodded. “I’m hungry,” I admitted. My stomach growled and we both laughed. It was a rare moment. Things had been tense in the house for a long time. Ever since I’d told Mom and Dad that I didn’t plan to go to a four-year school, only community college, they’d been upset with me. Of course, the real plan was for me to move in with Jack as soon as graduation was over. But they didn’t know that, at least not yet. My stomach twisted over and I tasted a sour taste in my mouth.
“Here you go,” Mom said. She slid a plate of whole-wheat pancakes encrusted with blueberries towards me on the counter. “I hope you enjoy these.” She muttered something else under her breath. “And how are things, Nicolette?”
I gulped some orange juice and wiped my mouth on the back of my hand, ignoring Mom’s stern glare. “They’re fine,” I said. “I mean, I’m happy to be graduating.” I pulled a face. “But I hate those stupid gowns. I wish I didn’t have to wear one.”
Mom sighed. “This is a once-in-a-lifetime event, Nicolette,” she said calmly. “And soon, you’ll be in college and studying hard. Tonight is your chance to celebrate. Are your friends doing anything afterwards?”
I shook my head. I had plans with Jack – we were going to sneak into the woods and get drunk. That was what we normally did on the weekends. Secretly, I thought he had a surprise for me. After all, we’d been dating for four years! But I didn’t want to pester him and ask, because I knew he got angry when I asked too many questions.
“What about Elise and Clara?” Mom needled. “I’m sure Elise’s parents are throwing a big party. Doesn’t that sound fun?”
I shook my head, not wanting to tell her I’d barely talked to Elise or Clara all year. Ever since I’d started going steady with Jack, he’d told me he didn’t really like me blowing him off for girls from school. I’d always thought that was kind of controlling, but it seemed to make him happy when I listened to him and ignored my friends. It hurt to think about sometimes, but after all, I had Jack. He was all I needed. We were so in love – I couldn’t wait to finally begin our lives! I grinned whenever I thought of it. We’d get a cute little apartment, and I’d fix it up, and Jack could help me with the harder stuff. I thought of us cocooned in our little love nest, happy and oblivious to the rest of the world.
“Nicolette, what’s wrong? You’re daydreaming,” Mom scolded. “Your pancakes are getting cold. Don’t you want them?”
“Yeah,” I lied. I cut a small piece and pushed it around on the plate with the tines of my fork, sopping up all of the syrup that Mom had poured over the pancakes. She kept her eyes trained on me. “This is good,” I said after taking the bite. It was good; Mom was a good cook. But I was still too nervous.
“Nicolette, spill,” Mom said. She put her hands on her hips and stared at me. “I know you well enough to know when you’re lying to me. Haven’t you thought of how your lying affects me, too?”
I bit my lip. “Mom, I’m moving in with Jack,” I said. The words tumbled out of my mouth and I cringed. I hadn’t even had a chance to think about them yet, and that wasn’t how I’d wanted to tell her. I’d wanted the speech to be eloquent, firm, me living on my own and that was that.
Mom frowned. “Nicolette,” she said slowly. “Do you really think that’s a good idea?” She bit her lower lip. “Don’t you think you should, you know, maybe cool it between the two of you for a while? You’ll be going to community college soon, and you’ll need to focus on your studies.” She let out a little laugh that I recognized as one of her nervous tics. “Don’t you think so? I mean, what can Jack possibly give you at this point? Is he even working?”
“Mom, god,” I sighed in exasperation, pushing the plate of pancakes away from me. “He’s a mechanic. You know that. And he’s in a motorcycle club.”
Mom closed her eyes briefly. “Yes, I know,” she said. Her voice was strained and tense. “But Nicolette, do you really think it’s wise to become involved with someone like that? At this time in your life? We just want what’s best for you, honey.”
“I have to go,” I said, hopping down from the breakfast bar and swinging my backpack over my shoulder. “I’m supposed to meet Jack and I don’t wanna be late.”
Mom didn’t say anything as I darted out of the house. Instead, she watched me go with a sad look on her face. I felt guilty, like something was tugging at my heartstrings, but the guilt wasn’t enough to make me turn around and go back in. I was eighteen. I was an adult now, finally. And there wasn’t anything Mom could do to make me stop wanting to be with Jack.
Jack met me on the outskirts of town. “Hey,” he said shortly. “You’re late. Where the fuck were you?”
I rolled my eyes. “You’re so moody these days,” I teased. “I was having breakfast with my mom.”
“What’s that nosy cunt want now?”
I always had an odd mix of feelings when Jack spoke about my mother, a combination of guilt and wanting to laugh uncontrollably. My parents had never liked Jack, and they’d never made a secret of it. But that didn’t change anything.
“She’s trying to make me feel shitty about moving in with you,” I said as I sidled up to Jack and wrapped an arm around his bulky waist. He lit two cigarettes in his mouth and passed one to me. Wordlessly, I took it and inhaled. I didn’t even know when I’d started smoking – sometime after being with Jack. But now I loved cigarettes. They calmed me down and perked me up exactly when I needed it.
“Well, she’s a bitch, and she’s fuckin’ nosy,” Jack said. He spat on the ground. “We goin’ for a ride or what?”
“I have to be at school by eleven,” I said in a small voice. “It’s graduation rehearsal.”
Jack laughed. “That’s retarded,” he said. He stared at me. “They fuckin’ want you to practice? How hard is it to walk in a goddamned line?”
I swallowed. “It’s mandatory,” I said in the same small voice. “If you skip, they don’t let you walk.”
“That’s fuckin’ bullshit,” Jack said. “You meeting a guy?” He threw his cigarette butt on the ground and crushed it with the heel of his motorcycle boot. “You fuckin’ some jock asshole, some football player behind my back?”
“No, no,” I said quickly, holding up my hands. “Jack, it was just a joke. Relax!”
Jack growled. “Don’t fuckin’ tell me what to do,” he said in a nasty voice.
Tears welled up in my eyes and I blinked. There was a lump forming in my throat and I stared at the ground so I wouldn’t start to cry in front of the man I loved. “Jack,” I said slowly. “That hurt my feelings.” I looked up at him, expecting an apology. I didn’t know what to do – after all, we’d been together for years. We loved each other! Just because he was in a bad mood didn’t mean anything, right?
“Fuck your feelings,” Jack said. “I don’t have to waste my time on a no-tit high school baby who thinks being a slut with some jock is going to do her any favors.” He started to climb on the back of his motorcycle and I stared, rooted to the ground.
He’s not actually going to leave me, I thought. Desperation welled up inside my stomach and before I knew what I was doing, I stepped forward and wrapped my hands around his leather-clad muscular arm.
“Jack, please,” I begged. “Please don’t go! I wasn’t doing anything! I wasn’t doing anything at all! I promise, I’ve never slept with anyone but you!”
He turned to me and stared down. “You fuckin’ sure? Do I have to fuckin’ check your panties?”
I shook my head frantically, tears spilling down my cheeks. My heart was pounding in my chest and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. “No, no, god no,” I said. “I promise! I’ve never slept with anyone else!”
Jack’s expression softened. “Good,” he said. “Don’t let me catch you fuckin’ around with any jocks, Nicolette. I’ll see you tonight.”
Before I had a chance to reply, he took off.
The rest of the day didn’t go so well. I was late to rehearsal, and found it just as boring as Jack had predicted it would be. This is stupid, he was right, I thought as I walked slowly in formation with the rest of my graduating class. Plus, I was lonely. Ever since I stopped talking to Elise and Clara, I didn’t really have any friends at school. They’d spread rumors about me and now people stared at me all the time. I didn’t really care about what anyone was saying behind my back, but it hurt all the same.
Finally, when it came time to march that night for real, I was so bored that I thought I’d fall asleep. Wearily, I walked down the aisle with some guy on the other side of me that I’d never seen. Instinctively, it made me nervous – I knew Jack wouldn’t like me walking next to a guy. But when I’d tried to protest, the graduation coordinator had laughed in my face and told me the rules were rules for a reason. It didn’t make any sense – graduation was already a stupid, outdated ritual. But I didn’t push back. I knew Mom and Dad would be in the audience, and I didn’t want to make them any angrier than they already were.
I hadn’t heard from Mom all day. I figured she’d told Dad about what I’d said, and I was dreading his response. But I realized confidently that even if they tried to prohibit me from leaving, I’d be able to say no. I was eighteen, a legal adult, and I had a boyfriend who loved me. Jack was my future. I wished more than anything that my parents would realize that, and embrace him as a son-in-law, but I didn’t see that day coming any time soon.
When the principal called my name, I walked across the stage blushing hard. There was only a smattering of applause – kids were clapping for their friends, and I realized morosely I wasn’t really anyone’s “friend.” I was just an acquaintance, someone they’d gone to school with. I didn’t even think anyone would add me on Facebook when college started. The principal handed me my diploma and patted me on the back, then I walked to my seat and sat down heavily.
I hadn’t seen Jack in the audience. He’d promised me he was going to come, but I was starting to panic and worry that he’d decided to break up with me after all. I started cursing myself for being so stupid. Why had I picked that fight with him earlier? Why hadn’t I been quicker to apologize? I’m such a moron, I thought as the tears started to come back. I don’t deserve a boyfriend like Jack. I deserve to be alone for the rest of my life, a fucking spinster.
The rest of the ceremony dragged. Finally, it was over. I wanted to run away and call Jack as soon as I could, but my parents found me before I could escape. Mom pulled me into a tight hug. I could tell she’d been crying.
“Honey, your mother told me all about your decision to move out,” Dad said. I bit my lip, expecting a verbal assault. Instead, he smiled sadly. “And I think you’re right. You’re eighteen now, an adult. It’s time you try things on your own instead of relying on us any longer. I’m proud of you, and I know you’ll do the right thing.”
An unexpected feeling of sadness came over me and I hugged Dad tightly. I couldn’t remember the last time he’d been so nice to me – it definitely hadn’t happened in recent memory, that was for sure. Growing up, I’d always been closer to Mom than Dad. But I was surprised at the feelings of regret that were bubbling up inside of me.
I pulled away. Dad cleared his throat, his cheeks slightly flushed. It was the only time I’d ever seen him anything less than completely stoic. “Nicolette, we’re proud of you,” Dad said again. He reached into his jacket and pulled out an envelope. “This is for you. We want you to use it for school, but it’s your money – you can do with it as you like.”
I gasped as I opened the envelope. Inside was a check for five thousand dollars. I stared at it for a few seconds, feeling numb. “Dad, are you sure? This is a lot of money,” I hissed. My parents weren’t wealthy, and I couldn’t imagine them sparing this kind of money, just for me. After all, I was nothing. I was just a dumb kid who’d barely graduated from high school.
Mom nodded. “Yes, honey. That’s for you,” she said. I noticed her smile was stretched tightly across her face, obviously having a lot of trouble with the whole concept of me moving out. For a second, the urge to throw myself in her arms and have her stroke my hair came over me. I felt homesick and I hadn’t even left home yet. But when I thought of Jack, the urge disappeared and I smiled for real.
“Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dad,” I said sincerely, tucking the envelope inside my purse.
Part of me expected them to invite me out to dinner, and I was surprised when Dad said he had to get home.
“There’s a James Bond movie on that your father wants to watch,” Mom stage-whispered to me as she leaned in for another brief hug. “We’ll talk to you soon.” She swallowed hard and cleared her throat. “Are you going out with Jack?”
I nodded. “Yeah,” I said. Again, I felt surprisingly guilty and I couldn’t explain why. “I’ll be home tomorrow sometime, to get my stuff.”
Mom held me by both shoulders and looked into my brown eyes. All my life, people had called us sisters but I’d never really understood the resemblance until now. We both had big round eyes, heart-shaped faces, and masses of brown hair. The only differences were the slight wrinkles forming by the corners of her mouth and her eyes. It made me sad to see she’d aged. Stop thinking like that, I ordered myself. Don’t be such a freaking weirdo. She’s your mother. Of course she’s older than you.
I had pulled myself together by the time Mom and Dad walked off toward their car. It felt strange to think that I wasn’t going home with them, that perhaps aside from the occasional visit, I wouldn’t ever go home with them again.
But all thoughts of my parents were forgotten as Jack walked up to me, grinning a cocky smile. “Babe,” Jack said. “C’mon. Let’s go.”
I burst out laughing. He looked so different from earlier! He looked so happy and relaxed.
“I’m so glad to see you,” I said, walking up and throwing my arms around him. As always, his leather jacket creaked from our shared weight. As his lips met mine, I shuddered. Jack slipped his tongue in my mouth and wrapped his arms around my waist, sliding them down to my ass and squeezing hard.
A jolt of arousal shot through me. “Let’s go,” I whispered into Jack’s ear, as soon as we pulled away from each other. “I can’t wait to be alone with you.”
Jack and I climbed on his bike and he drove us out of town, all the way to the edge of the woods. Our ritual was driving out here, then bringing a blanket and some cheap wine into the woods. I loved being alone with him; it made me feel mature and safe. Jack’s big frame was enough to protect us from any danger that came our way. I knew that no matter what, he’d always keep me safe.
Jack’s motorcycle roared around the sharp curves and turns of the Carlsbad hills. When we got to the outskirts of the forest, he slowed down and we stowed his bike. Then he handed me a big basket.
“Carry this,” Jack said. “I’ll lead the way.” He clicked on a flashlight and started plowing into the woods. The basket was heavy and I was still wearing my heels from the graduation ceremony – stupidly, I hadn’t thought far enough in advance to wear other shoes. I stumbled and almost fell multiple times, but Jack didn’t slow his pace. He kept walking and I practically had to run to keep up as I scrambled along in his wake.
“Here,” Jack said. He gestured for me to set the basket down on the ground, When I had, he opened it up and pulled out the familiar red-checked blanket.
“Is this a special night?” I glanced into the basket, half-hoping that there would be a surprise inside. Instead, I saw everything that we normally brought: two bottles of Boone’s Farm Apple wine, plastic cups, and a baggie containing marijuana. I didn’t like to smoke, but Jack didn’t like to have sex with me unless he was stoned. He said it ruined the experience otherwise. Secretly, I was always hoping we could do it sober. But I’d spent enough time with Jack to know his habits died hard. There was no way he’d change, even with time. He’d always loved smoking pot, and the one time I asked him not to, he’d gotten really angry with me.
Jack glanced up at me. “Why would this be a special night?”
“Because I graduated today,” I said meekly. “And because I thought we could celebrate. You know, us moving in together and all that. Aren’t you happy?”
Jack narrowed his eyes. He dropped the blanket on the ground in a pile of folds and I swallowed. An icy, strange feeling came over my stomach until I was feeling just as anxious as I had that morning.
“Why the fuck would we celebrate you graduating from some dumb school?” Jack sneered. “Why the fuck would we do that when we could concentrate on gettin’ drunk and fucking?” He stepped towards me and the sound of menace in his voice made me shiver. As he balled up one of his hands into a fist and swung it behind his back, I stumbled backward. But my heel caught on a twig and I fell over, landing hard on my ass. The ground was littered with sharp rocks and I felt one of them pierce my thigh. Howling in pain, I wrapped my hands around my leg and leaned over my lap.
“What the fuck are you crying about, bitch?” Jack yelled. He leaned down over me and suddenly, there was a sharp, explosive pain in my jaw. For a moment, it was so intense that it didn’t even register as pain. I saw stars and felt the air whoosh out of my lungs as I fell to the ground.