Nicolette
After the shock of the pregnancy test, I passed the next couple of days in a fog. I’d never imagined getting pregnant. Not that it wasn’t something I hadn’t worried about— I’d always kept as close of an eye on my birth control pills as I possibly could. Jack always used to threaten me with the idea of kids.
It sounds sick, I know. It makes me sound like a real bitch of a woman. After all, what kind of a woman wouldn’t want to have her boyfriend’s child? What kind of a woman wouldn’t have to have a baby with the man she’d been dating for seven years?
Me, that was who.
I couldn’t figure out what had happened for the life of me. My birth control never left my purse, and I always, always took it on time. But after I started feeling nervous enough, I pulled out my computer and did some hunting online. As soon as I found a forum with instructions for making birth control pills inactive, my heart sank. Turns out, all you have to do is stick them in the freezer for an hour or the microwave for a few minutes and they’re just like sugar pills. And even though I’d been careful, Jack still would have had a chance to do that. I didn’t doubt that he was smart enough; this wasn’t rocket science. Google “ways to make birth control pills ineffective” and you’ll get more results than you ever wanted to see.
Anyway, Jack always used to hold the idea of kids over my head. At first, when we were younger, he said he didn’t want any. But since I graduated high school, he used to tell me that he’d love to keep me barefoot and pregnant all the time, around the clock. “You’re gonna have so many fuckin’ kids,” Jack would sneer as he knocked back the umpteenth bottle of beer that evening. “You ain’t gonna be skinny ever again. There’s gonna be rugrats all over this damn house.”
And I’d cringe and he’d kick something or throw something at me and then all rational thoughts would be over until morning.
Now, it was enough to make me sick. Every time I thought of Jack, every time I thought of what we’d been through, I couldn’t believe that I’d stayed for so long. He’d abused me worse than anyone on earth ever could have, and I’d eaten it up with a silver spoon.
I knew it was the worst thing to do, but I wanted a drink more than I’d ever wanted one in my whole life. So I walked downtown, into this little cowboy bar below the local motel. It was the kind of place I’d stopped by once or twice before, because it was never crowded and the bartender, Britt, was real friendly.
She grinned at me as I let myself inside and went to a stool. “Can I get you anything, sugar?”
I glanced down at my stomach. “Just water, for now,” I said, feeling the courage seep out of my veins with each passing second. “Thanks, Britt.”
“No problem, sugar,” Britt said. She passed me a glass of ice water and I sipped it thoughtfully, wishing it were gin and tonic instead of pure spring water from the Kip Mountains.
The door jangled open and I watched as a rugged, muscular guy stepped into the bar. My breath caught in my throat – he was one of the most gorgeous men I’d seen recently. He was just my type, too: leather jacket, a little scruff on his chin, blonde hair pushed back off his forehead. Bright green eyes, a little hard, a little sexy.
I shivered as I watched the guy belly up to the bar. He glanced at me twice. The first time was real quick, just like he was noticing who I was. The second time was longer, and made me blush to the roots of my hair. He looked me up and down, real slow, his eyes patting me down to a tenth of an inch. He checked out the seams of my clothing, my messy hair, even my purse hanging on the back of a barstool.
“Hey there,” the man said. “Can I get you a drink?”
The words stuck in my throat and I swallowed hard. “I’m just goin’ with water for now,” I said softly. He had a strange accent – definitely American, but sort of all over, like he’d never had a home. “Are you new in town?”
The man snorted. Britt brought him two fingers worth of whiskey and he knocked back the fiery liquid in one gulp, not even flinching. He slammed the glass down on the bar and then turned to face me. Up close, his eyes were like liquid pools of peridot. I tried to remember having seen a more handsome man in my life, and failed completely.
“Yeah, I’m new in town,” the man said gruffly. He held out his hand. I hesitated for a moment – there was still a touch of the fear in me, some kind of worry that Jack would appear, screaming that I touched another man. What the hell, I thought. Jack’s not here. You’re safe.
I placed my hand in his and we shook. Immediately, the touch was electric. I let out a small gasp as our eyes met. The man grinned at me and winked. I felt a sensuous pull come over me, the kind of feeling I used to feel back when I was in high school and Jack and I were driving out to the woods. It had been so long since I felt that pure, unadulterated desire. Tears welled up in my eyes.
“I’m Nicolette,” I said softly. “I’ve only been here for about a month, myself.”
“Charlie,” the man replied. He showed a hint of his teeth when he grinned at me. “And I’m only in town for a few days.”
There was something about him that intrigued me, even though I know I should have taken off running in the other direction. He was exactly the kind of man that I’d always found myself attracted to: dangerous, tattooed, and covered in leather from head to toe. I sighed as I realized he was probably just a different version of Jack, in Colorado and not Cali. But then, there was something different about him, too. A kind of hardened surface, like he didn’t give a shit about anyone or anything. Maybe this one’s too removed to be abusive, I thought. Maybe he’s not that type.
Still, I didn’t like thinking about anyone aside from Jack. I grabbed my purse and slung it over my shoulder, hightailing for the exit before another word could pass between us.
The rest of the day, I stayed at home. I put something on the TV and heated up leftovers. I couldn’t even tell you what I ate or watched – that was the kind of murky haze I was wading through. Part of me wanted to skip town. Part of me wanted to have the baby, and adopt it out. The thought of a tiny little Jack growing inside of me was more than I could handle. Of course, it wasn’t the baby’s fault that his daddy was a Grade-A asshole. But dealing with my ex’s seed growing inside of me was more than I could handle.
I barely slept that night. I kept thinking of everything that had happened through the years. All of the abuse, all of the anxiety. All of the stress and worry and pain I’d gone through. Some of the things Jack had done to me were so bad that I didn’t even want to think about them, and yet they were the very first things that came bubbling up towards the surface. It was like I was a hostage in my own body, like I couldn’t escape from having these horrid thoughts.
The next morning, I was exhausted. I called out of work – by now, I figured Brenda had told the rest of the office I was pregnant – and decided to have a lazy day in bed. I lied around, trying to sleep for hours. But by mid-morning, there was no way I would be able to sleep. I crawled out of bed and pulled on a pair of ripped up jeans and a black t-shirt. To my dismay, the snap on my jeans was already tight. I had to suck in and hop up and down just to get the zipper pulled all the way up.
I got in my car and drove around aimlessly. That’s when I saw him – Charlie, that guy from the bar yesterday. I was stopped at an intersection, watching as he walked down Main Street. He turned the corner, and finally walked into the big library at the end of the street.
I bit my lip. I wanted to follow him. Despite the aura of danger that hung around him, I couldn’t deny that he was exactly my type. And while I wasn’t sure what I wanted, I knew that I wanted to at least talk to him for a few more minutes. It couldn’t hurt, could it?
I parked my car and cruised into a parking space at the library. Charlie had hopped up the steps, crushed a cigarette under his heel, and then disappeared inside. After a brief check in the rearview mirror and an application of lip gloss, I locked my car and grabbed my purse, sauntering inside the library like it was no one’s business.
I’m embarrassed to admit it was my first time in there. I’m not really all that big on reading. But as soon as I stepped inside, I saw a big rack of DVDs and VHSs. I grinned. That would be a great way to distract myself from all of this shit going on. I loved movies – I loved losing myself in stories about people who had it better (or worse) than I did. I’d always enjoyed that. Whenever Jack and I got in a fight and things got rough, I’d always go to the movies for a few hours and calm down. I shuddered, remembering how it felt to sit in those cold, dark theaters by myself, munching popcorn and icing whatever new injury I had with a giant-sized cup of soda. I’d gone to that theater with a fat lip and a black eye so many times that the staff recognized me. Definitely not something I’m proud of.
Charlie saw me almost immediately, but he didn’t come over. Instead, we stared at each other as I pretended to look over the DVDs on the rack. I picked up a Western and turned the cover over to read the back without even looking at the front. My senses were tingling and, suddenly, all I could think about was Charlie.
I wondered what it would be like to date a guy who didn’t hit me. I wondered what it would be like to be with someone who didn’t enjoy hurting me, who never threatened to rape me and beat me and leave me dead by the side of the road for the buzzards to eat.
“See anything you like?” Charlie’s voice was a low growl that sent a chill down my spine.
I licked my lips and set the DVD back on the rack. “Not sure,” I said, trying to sound casual. “I like movies a lot. But I haven’t heard of any of these.”
“Lemme see.” Charlie stepped closer. A waft of cologne and cigarette smoke came over me – almost like Jack, but different, somehow. Sweeter, a little spicier. The kind of scent that made me want to pull him close and bury my face in his neck.
“You like movies?” I raised my eyebrows. “You don’t seem like the indoor type.”
Charlie laughed harshly. It was the sound that smoke would make if it weren’t silent. The kind of laugh that rang out across an empty desert. The sound of a man who’s spent his life alone, away from the public eye, who started drinking whiskey when he was thirteen and smoking cigarettes in the fifth grade. The kind of man I’d always been attracted to, no matter how dangerous.
Charlie reached out for another movie. As he did, I ran my finger down his bare forearm. I couldn’t help it – the skin was muscular, tanned, and covered with older tattoos. There was a smattering of blonde hairs across the tan skin, bleached white by time in the sun. I sucked in a breath and pulled my finger away like Charlie had burned me.
“You always touch strange men?” Charlie turned towards me. He angled his body towards mine, effectively blocking me from exiting the library. “Is that a thing you girls do nowadays?”
I felt my heart start to race in my chest. “None of your business,” I said primly. I reached past Charlie and pulled a random movie down from the shelf. When I turned the cover over and read the title, I blushed: 9 ½ Weeks.
“This look like something you’d watch?” Charlie smirked, leaning in close. At the sight of his eyes up close, my mouth went dry.
“No,” I said, putting the movie back on the shelf as hastily as I could. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Charlie chuckled. “Hey, come on. You wanna let me buy you a drink?”
I pushed past him and stared at the other DVD racks. Nothing held my interest, and I knew deep down that even if I picked a movie off the shelf, I’d take it home and it would sit in its box on top of my TV. All I could think about was Charlie, and how it would feel to get laid with someone who didn’t actually want me dead.
“I don’t want a drink right now,” I said airily. My heart was pounding in my throat and my skin was hot and flushed. I wasn’t used to doing this – to flirting like this, to being so wanton and brazen in public. For one thing, Jack always used to accuse me of flirting with every guy that stepped in my way. But I’d never actually done that. As much as he wanted to accuse me of infidelity, I’d always been a good, loyal girlfriend. The kind of girlfriend who loved and cared for him even when he beat me up. The kind of girlfriend who still dreamed about getting married in a big poofy dress at the front of a church.
But that wasn’t me anymore. I was Nicolette McDonald, out on my own, and I was determined to make sure I never wound up in a bad situation ever again.
“Then what do you want?” Charlie stepped closer.
I felt butterflies swarm around in my stomach and my heart skipped a beat. I want you, I thought suddenly. I want you to come home with me and sleep with me and make me feel good. I swallowed hard. “I don’t know,” I said softly. But I was lying. I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted to forget all about the baby growing in my belly. I wanted to forget all of Jack’s abuse, and the sadness of the past. I wanted to do what adult women did: have a one night stand with one of the most gorgeous men I’d ever seen.
“I think you’re lying,” Charlie smirked. “I think you know exactly what you want.” He raised his eyebrows at me and his green eyes glittered in the bright library lighting. “And I don’t think it involves DVDs.”
I bit my lip and glanced away. Do it, Nicolette, I thought. Just do it. Have one night of fun before the baby comes. You deserve it. This has been a long time coming.
I blinked. “Do you want to come home with me?”
“What?”
Color rose to my cheeks. “Do you want to come home with me?” I repeated again, this time more softly.
Charlie smirked. He rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet, the heels of his boots clacking against the library’s tiled floor. “And why would you ask that?” He leaned in closer and my mouth went dry.
I wanted to reach out and touch him, to pull him close, to kiss him deeply. But I could barely move. “Because,” I said softly, meeting his bright green eyes with my own. “I want to. Do I have to explain it any further?” With a little laugh, I tossed my brown hair over my shoulder. “I never do things like this,” I added. “Don’t you get that?”
Charlie inhaled sharply. He set the DVD in his hand back down on the rack with a loud clang. “Yeah,” he said after a moment. “I’ll come home with you.”