Chapter 21
Clay
“My mom said I have to pack up all my stuff, so we can move it to our new house,” Gigi says conversationally as I paint her toenails. Apparently, she likes nail polish again. It’s nearly impossible to keep up with the whims of a seven-year-old.
“Are you excited about your new house?” I ask, ignoring the twinge of pain in my heart.
Gigi shrugs. “I’ve never moved before. What if I don’t like it? Do you think we can come back if my new room doesn’t feel the same?”
“I don’t think so, sweetie. But don’t worry, I bet your mom will let you decorate it however you want.”
“Have you moved before?” Gigi asks.
“Sure, I’ve lived in a lot of different houses.”
“But, have you moved far like I am?”
“No. I’ve only lived in this city. I even went to college right here.”
“Why?” She cocks her head to one side when she asks.
Her question catches me off guard, and I’m not sure how to answer. The truth is, I’ve never moved because I was afraid. I was terrified of the idea. The thought of the stress of trying to find an apartment in a different city, learn new streets, find a new grocery store...the whole thing is just too much. I can almost feel hives forming at the mere thought.
“I just haven’t.”
“I wish you were moving with me,” Gigi says sadly.
“Me too, sweetie.”
“Do you think my daddy will come with me if I ask him to?”
Another sharp stab right to my heart. “Maybe,” I reply in a whisper, unable to get my voice to cooperate in the face of a sudden tightening in my throat.
“Would you miss my daddy if he moved and you stayed here?”
“Very much. And I think that’s enough questions for today, G. Why don’t we put on a movie?”
“Frozen?”
“Sure. Sit still and don’t smear your pretty toes. I’ll put it on.”
Max
It was more difficult than usual dropping Gigi back off at Jess’ today after a few days together. Our time is ticking down. Only a week now before they’re gone, and I won’t see Gigi again until Christmas.
“Are you okay, love?” Clay asks as he pulls his car into my parents’ driveway.
I shrug and give him a weak smile.
“Not so much. But at least feeling sad over Gigi has kept me from worrying about how my brothers are going to react today.”
“There’s always a silver lining,” Clay agrees with a laugh. “Are you sure you want to do this? What if...what if things don’t work out between us? Maybe you should wait to tell them for a little longer.”
I grab Clay’s hand and kiss his fingers. “None of that bullshit talk. I’m not letting you get away, and I have no problem telling my brothers where to shove it if they have an issue with it.”
“Okay, let’s do this then.”
We get out of the car and head into my parents’ house. I’m not surprised to find my mom in the kitchen and my dad watching baseball game.
“Clay, it’s so good to see you again,” My mom greets Clay with a hug.
“It’s good to see you too Mrs. Moretti.” Clay hugs her back.
“None of that formal stuff. You mean a lot to my Max. You’ll call me Mama M from now on,” she insists.
“You got it, Mama M.”
My chest warms as I watch the two of them together.
“Are Gio and Tony out in the garage?” I ask my mom.
“Of course. Where else would they be?”
“Okay, I’m going to go chat with them. Are you okay in here with my mom?” I ask Clay.
“Of course. Unless you want me there with you?”
“I’ll be all right.” I kiss Clay on the cheek and then head out to face my brothers.
When I was young, I was always jealous of how close those two were. I never quite fit in, and, maybe now, I know why. “Hey guys,” I greet them with a nod.
“You don’t usually slum it out here with us. What’s up?” Gio asks.
“There’s something I wanted to talk to you guys about.”
“Go for it, bro,” Tony prompts.
I take a deep breath and wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans. Ma already said she has my back, and it’s not like Gio and Tony are going to do anything to me. But I can’t help feeling like I’m about to put an even bigger divide between my brothers and myself.
“Here’s the thing guys…” I clear my throat and glance down at my shoes. “I’ve been seeing someone, and it’s pretty serious.”
“Oh yeah?” Gio perks up. “This the chick who’s had you smiling for a few months?”
“You look nervous; you knock her up?” Tony pipes in with a snicker.
“Nobody’s knocked up,” I grumble. “And nobody’s gonna get knocked up because I’m dating Clay.”
Stunned silence is about what I expected, and my brothers don’t disappoint. I chance a look at them and find them both gaping at me like I’ve grown an extra head.
“You’re shitting us,” Tony guesses weakly.
“Nope.” I shake my head and square my shoulders to prepare for the inevitable onslaught that’ll come as soon as they realize what I’m telling them.
“You’re a queer?” Gio asks with quiet confusion.
The word isn’t said with venom, so I keep my own tone even when I answer. “I told you not to use that word, Gio.”
“Okay, but are you?”
“I don’t really know,” I admit. “I still like women, and I like Clay.” I shrug.
“But he’s a guy,” Tony points out, making me chuckle.
“Yeah, I noticed that.”
“I don’t get it,” Gio admits.
“Okay, it’s like, imagine if someone gave you a fully restored 1963 Corvette Stingray Split Window Coupe but instead of being red like you always pictured, it was black. Would you send it back?” Gio and Tony both shake their head at the sacrilegious idea. “That’s exactly what this is like. Clay is everything I ever wanted. He’s everything I was missing in every woman I ever dated. Did I expect my soulmate to have a dick? No. But, hell, my own was always fun enough to play with; now, I’ve got a spare.”
Gio cracks a smile, and Tony still looks bewildered, but I can tell my words registered on some level.
“I guess that makes sense,” Gio admits.
I breathe a sigh of relief and pull my brother into a hug. Gio squeezes back and claps me on the back.
When I release him, I turn to Tony, weary of what I might find there.
“As long as you don’t tell me what you two do in bed, I can live with it,” Tony concedes.
I roll my eyes at him. “Dude, like I want to tell you about my sex life anyway. You’re the one who thinks everyone needs a play by play.”
Tony chuckles. “That’s fair,” he agrees, and then he opens his arms for a hug too.
Once the Kumbaya moment is over, the three of us head inside for dinner.
Clay is in the middle of helping my mom put the finishing touches on some sort of chocolate dessert, and he raises an eyebrow in question as soon as he sees me.
With my brothers right behind me, I stride over to Clay and pull him into a kiss, letting my tongue sweep briefly into his mouth.
“Mmm, you taste like chocolate,” I note, bumping my nose against Clay’s in an affectionate gesture.
“You taste like giant, sexy man,” Clay teases.
“Get a room,” Gio complains, and Tony chuckles.
My dad comes over and claps me on the shoulder without comment. I guess my mom decided to take one thing off my plate for me after all.
We all sit down around the table and Ma fills our plates.
“Hey, bro, you know my friend, Ace, is still bugging me about you,” Tony says as we all start digging into dinner.
“I told you I’m not interested.”
“Interested in what?” Clay asks.
“Nothing,” I shoot Tony a warning look that he chooses to ignore.
“My buddy owns a custom bike shop and he wants to talk to Max about a job.”
“Oh my god, that’s amazing. Why aren’t you interested?” Clay asks.
“Because, it’s three-thousand miles away.”
Clay’s face falls and something dark passes behind his eyes. “Where is it?”
“Philadelphia,” Tony tells him.
“See, that would never work. Now, can we change the subject?” I insist.
Clay
My chest tightens, and the back of my throat starts to ache as I attempt to keep my breathing even. All the sounds around me swirl and seem to intensify. It’s like if you put on ten different songs all at once and then crank the volume up as loud as it will go.
“Excuse me,” I say quietly, getting up from the table where the subject has moved on to something about cars or sports...I don’t honestly know. All I know is that the bile is rising in my throat, and I can’t think straight. I ignore the questioning look Max gives me, and I rush to the bathroom.
I lock the door and hunch over the sink as I try to get my bearings.
I knew if Jess won custody I’d have to give Max up. I knew it was the only right thing to do. But, selfishly I’d hoped there would be some excuse to keep him here with me. Knowing now that not only is his daughter going to be on the East Coast, but his dream job too? He has to go. And based on his reaction at the table, I’m going to have to give him a push out the door.
A knock comes at the bathroom door.
“Are you okay, petal?”
“Fine. I’ll be right out,” I lie before splashing some cold water on my face and crouching down for a few seconds. Then, I stand back up and take a deep breath. It’s game face time.
I step out of the bathroom and am met by a concerned look all over Max’s face.
“I just felt sick for a second; I’m fine,” I assure him.
“You want to call it an early night? If you’re not feeling well, I should take you home.”
“We can finish dinner and then go home,” I assure him.
◆◆◆
When we pull up at home an hour later, my mouth is dry, and my heart is flailing in my chest as I take Max’s hand. Everything in me is resisting what I’m about to suggest. But I know it’s the right thing.
“Can we sit down and talk for a minute?” I ask as we walk inside.
“Sure. Is something wrong?” Max sits down on the couch and tugs me down beside him.
“I’ve been thinking about everything with Gigi, and I think—” My voice fails me as my eyes start to burn. “I think you need to go.”
“Go where?”
“To New York. Or, uh, to Philadelphia. I looked it up and if you moved to New Jersey you could be like an hour from New York City and a half hour from Philadelphia. So, you could take that great job, and get Gigi every weekend. It would be perfect.”
“When did you look it up?” he asks with a hint of annoyance.
“After dinner, right before dessert. When I went to the bathroom a second time, I looked it up on my phone,” I explain. “But I’m serious, you have to go.”
“But what about you?” Max asks in a shaky voice.
“I’ve got my studio here, love. We can try long distance and see how things go?” I suggest, not fully believing that will work long term, but also not willing to give up on Max just yet.
“Petal,” Max lifts his hands up to cup my face. “I love you. I’m in love with you. I can’t leave you.”
A sob bursts from my chest. Why the hell does life have to be so cruel? It figures I’d finally find the perfect man, just to have to give him up.
“I love you, too. But you need to go be with your daughter. If things are meant to be between us, we’ll find a way.”
Max pulls me into his arms, and I melt against his strong chest. “I’m not giving you up, so I hope you’re prepared to FaceTime daily.”
“You bet your ass,” I agree with a tearful laugh.