Chapter 25
Max
I run my hand along the smooth body of the custom Ducati that I put together with my own hands. And I got paid to do it! It’s like a dream come true...if only Clay were here with me.
“What’s wrong, man?” Ace asks. “The bike looks kick ass, why are you frowning?”
“Ah, it’s nothing,” I wave him off, refusing to acknowledge the heavy stone in the pit of my stomach every time I think of Clay.
“Girl trouble?” Ace guesses with a smirk.
“Guy, actually. And not trouble exactly. I just miss him since moving is all.”
“Oh, I didn’t know you were gay.”
“I don’t like labels. But I am dating a man.” I shrug, surprising myself a bit with my casual honesty. In the past, the thought of talking so openly about my sexuality and about Clay would’ve sent me into a cold sweat. But being away from him, missing him so much, has changed a lot it seems.
“That’s cool, dude. I watched gay porn once. The dude really knew how to suck a dick.”
I bark out a laugh and shake my head at Ace. At least, he’s being supportive?
“Well, not a lot of dick sucking going on right now for me. Clay is still back in Seattle, and he doesn’t have any immediate plans to move out here.”
“Oh man, that’s rough,” Ace shakes his head and pats me on the shoulder. “You never know, maybe he’s missing you as much as you’re missing him.”
“I hope so,” I agree with a chuckle.
“Seriously though, this bike is sick; the client is going to love it.”
“Thanks.”
“Any time. And I hope when your man comes to visit, you can manage to make it out of bed long enough to introduce me.”
“I promise to try.”
Ace holds his hand out for a fist bump, which I gladly give. Then, we both return to our respective projects.
On the way home, I pass a small pub and decide to pull in to grab a drink.
“Can I get whatever’s on tap?” I request, sliding onto a barstool.
The bartender nods and turns to get me a drink while I glance around the small bar. It’s nothing like O’Malley’s. There’s no Beau, no guys from Heathens, and most importantly, there’s no Clay.
My chest aches at the distance between us. It’s only been three weeks, and I’m not sure how much longer I can stand to be away from him. Before this, I hadn’t gone a single day without seeing Clay since we met. Sure, we weren’t together for the first five years, but we were in almost every part of each other’s daily lives. He was just there, his presence permeating every part of me and slowly forcing me to fall in love with him long before I ever realized it.
“You look familiar; do I know you?” A lanky, blond man asks, sliding onto the stool beside me and eyeing me with interest.
“I doubt it; I just moved here a few weeks ago from Seattle.”
The man’s eyes light up. “Wait, you’re not Max, are you?”
“Yes?” I answer warily.
“Clay’s boyfriend, Max?”
“Yeah. I’m sorry, who the hell are you?”
The man chuckles and then offers me his hand. “I’m Jake, Clay’s ex. I’ve seen you all over Clay’s Facebook.”
“Oh,” I search my mind for any mention of a Jake and then… “Oh.”
“I’m assuming he mentioned me at some point?”
“Once or twice,” I mutter.
“Well, welcome to the club, I guess.”
“What club?” I ask.
“The club for guys who regret letting Clay get away.”
“I didn’t let him get away. We’re still together,” I snap, refusing to acknowledge the sore spot his words just hit.
“Sure, for now. But how’s that going to work long term? He’s not leaving Seattle. I tried to convince him to a decade ago, and he refused. Now he’s got even more reason to stay there, with his business and everything. You may not be calling time of death yet, but your relationship is on life support, without a doubt.”
“Listen asshole, you don’t know shit about me. And you may have dated Clay a lifetime ago, but you don’t know him as well as you think you do either. We’re going to find a way to make this work,” I insist.
“I wish you the best of luck,” Jake tips his drink at me and then gives me a pitying smile before strolling away.
I stay at the bar for just one drink before heading home to my silent apartment. I never noticed how much Clay’s presence added to our home in Seattle. Even before I realized what he meant to me, his presence was comforting.
◆◆◆
“Where are we going with this?” Ace asks, walking backward into my apartment, carrying one side of my dresser.
“This is going on the far wall of the bedroom.”
After finagling it around the corner of the hallway, we manage to get it into my room and placed along the far wall, beneath the window.
Ace pulls in a deep breath and wipes his arm along his sweaty brow.
“Damn, I need to quit smoking.”
Ace glances around my room, casually looking at the boxes that are mostly half unpacked, items strewn about.
“What do we have here?” he asks with interest, walking over to the box nearest my closet and picking up one of the pink ropes from inside.
Seeing his hands all over my ropes, Clay’s ropes, causes my gut to clench. I stride across the room and yank the rope from his hands.
“Don’t touch that,” I snap, before laying it back in the box gently.
“Whoa, sorry.” Ace holds his hands up and gives me an apologetic look. “I shouldn’t be snooping.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to get so pissy; it’s just...imagine if someone was pawing through your girlfriend’s underwear.”
“I don’t have a girlfriend, but point taken. It’s something personal, and I shouldn’t be touching it.”
I nod and pat Ace on the shoulder to let him know there are no hard feelings.
“All right, the couch is up next, right?”
“Yup, let’s get this done so we can have some beer and pizza.”
Clay
I’m folded into Marichyasana I pose, trying to ignore Beck’s mumbled jabs about me being a human pretzel and the incessant buzzing in my brain that’s worse than ever since Max left. I’m up to yoga three times daily, and every inch of the house is sparkling clean. Nothing is working to settle me. I haven’t slept for more than a few hours a night since I got back to Seattle.
“You okay?” Beck asks.
“Fucking great,” I growl sarcastically as I shift into Paschimottanasana.
“Have you talked to Max since he moved?”
“Yeah, he’s settling in. He likes his new job. It was the right decision.”
“I never doubted that. I’m just still trying to figure out what you’re still doing here.”
“It’s not that simple,” I snap. “Can we please just drop this?”
Clay mimes zipping his lips.
After our morning yoga, I’m able to keep myself busy most of the day with classes and the endless administrative crap that always piles up. But as the day turns into night, and the last class files out, I find myself behind my desk in my office, for once desperately trying to think of something to do that will keep me here instead of having to go home to the painfully quiet house.
“I thought you left ages ago,” Beck says, popping his head in.
“Nope. Leaving in a few minutes though,” I lie.
“Okay, I’m heading out. Call me if you need anything.”
“Have a good night.”
“You too,” Beck calls back on his way out.
Alone in the studio, it’s just as oppressively quiet as it would be at home.
I stand up and pace around my office, straightening things as I move. Then it occurs to me that it’s been ages since I’ve given the studio a deep clean. What better night for it than this?
I grab my cleaning supplies from the bathroom off my office, and I head into studio one.
I wipe down the mirrored wall, careful not to leave any streaks. Then, on hands and knees, I start at one end of the studio and get to work wiping the floor down until it’s pristine.
After I finish studio one, I start toward studio two when I hear my phone ringing in my office.
I set down my cleaning supplies and sprint to grab my phone before I can miss the call. I’m sure it’ll be Max at this hour.
Sure enough, it’s a FaceTime request from Max that I happily accept as I plop down in my chair and hold my phone in front of me.
“Hey, petal,” Max greets with a sleepy smile. The background is dark, but I can tell he’s lying in bed. His hair is messy across his pillow, and his lack of shirt makes me wish I was curled up next to him, feeling his warm skin against mine.
“Hey, love. I miss you.”
“I miss you too,” Max sighs. “Are you at the studio?” he asks.
“Yeah, I was about to go home,” I lie.
“It’s one in the morning. What are you doing still at the studio?”
“Just a little spring cleaning.”
“It’s August,” he points out.
“Head start?” I try with a shrug.
“Petal,” his commanding tone makes me shiver.
“I couldn’t sleep. It’s too quiet at home, and my bed is too big and empty. I didn’t want to go back there tonight,” I admit, absentmindedly straightening a few papers on my desk and shuffling the pens in my cup into groups based on color and amount of ink left.
“I should be there to take care of you,” Max says quietly, and I can tell he’s blaming himself.
“Don’t worry about me. I’m a big boy; I’m not your concern.”
“You’re wrong. You are mine to worry about and take care of,” Max growls. “You’re mine, petal. Take off your pants.”
“What?” I scoff at his command.
“I’m going to help you relax because that’s my job. Now, take off your pants.”
I consider arguing but decide to go with it. Although, I think it’s only fair to tell Max the truth.
“I don’t really jerk off. It doesn’t do much for me so it’s not worth the effort.”
“This isn’t your run of the mill jerk off session. You’re going to let me take care of you, like I always do.”
My cock shifts against my thigh, thickening and stiffening at the deep timbre and raw authority in his voice.
My pants pool around my ankles as I sit back down in my chair and wait for Max to tell me what he wants next.
I reach for my cock instinctively but Max stops me with a sharp reprimand.
“You’re not allowed to touch your dick unless I say.”
I pull my hand back, my heart thundering wildly. My cock is hard and flushed, bobbing outward.
“Lick your fingers.” I do as he says, sucking my middle finger and ring finger into my mouth. “Now stick those fingers between your cute little cheeks and tell me how much your hole misses me.”
“Holy shit, where did you learn all this delicious dirty talk?” I pant as I tease my fingers around my hole.
“The internet. You’d be surprised all the filthy stuff you can learn on there,” Max teases and I smile.
I close my eyes and imagine his breath tickling my neck and the weight of his body pinning me down as he stretches me open.
“God, Max, I need you,” I moan breathlessly as I slip my fingers inside.
“You have me.”
I watch as he pans the camera down so I can see his hand working his cock and then back up to his face.
I push my fingers deeper, my free hand twitching for my cock as Max murmurs and moans encouragement. My hand twitches for my cock.
“Not yet,” Max corrects. “Play with your balls.”
I whine but do as he says, tugging my sac and then rolling it in my palm as I fuck myself on my other hand.
“Max,” I whimper. I slide farther down in my chair, putting my feet up on my desk and giving Max an excellent view. I push my fingers deeper, gliding over my prostate and making my cock jerk. “Please.”
“Grab your cock, petal.”
I shudder with relief and wrap my fist around my shaft and tug it hard and fast.
“Oh fuck, oh yeah,” I cry out as I fuck my fingers deeper. Pleasure coils tight in the pit of my stomach and, with one more jerk, explodes out through my entire body. Sticky white cum coats my stomach, and Max lets out a grunted groan before his lips part and his eyes roll up a little.
When his eyes focus again, he gives me a little smile. “Do you feel any better?” he asks.
“A little. I’m sleepy now. I’ll probably crash in my office since it’s so late.”
“Take care of yourself for me petal, until you’re close enough for me to do it for you.”
“I’ll try,” I promise.
◆◆◆
“Clay, sweetie, wake up.” Beck shakes me awake and the crick in my neck makes me immediately regret sleeping at my desk.
“What time is it?” I ask, rubbing the sleep from my eyes.
“Nine. Did you sleep here all night?”
“Yeah, I didn’t want to go back to the house,” I admit. “It’s too quiet there without Max.”
“I don’t know how you’re doing it. I can’t imagine being on the opposite side of the country from Gage,” Beck muses.
“It fucking sucks. I miss him all the time. I can’t sleep, and I feel like I’m missing a limb. I don’t know what to do though. Maybe it would be best if I just admit that this isn’t going to work and start working on the healing process instead of hanging onto something that’s not going anywhere.”
“Oh, hell no,” Beck snaps, crossing his arms and glaring at me. “I’m not letting you do this again.”
“Do what?”
“When Jake moved to the East Coast, I always thought you should’ve gone with him. I get that you were afraid to leave the only place you’ve ever lived, and maybe Jake wasn’t the right person to make that sacrifice for. But, sweetie, Max is the one. I can see it written all over your face and his. You two belong together, and I think you need to get your ass to New Jersey.”
“What about On Pointe? What about you? I can’t leave my whole life here,” I argue, even as my heart starts to build a new hope for the future.
“I’ll be fine. Obviously, Gage and I will come out to visit you, and you’ll have to FaceTime me constantly. But you don’t need to worry about me anymore like you used to. I’m happy, I’m whole, and I’ve got everything I need with Gage. As for On Pointe...what if I buy it from you? Then you’ll know it’s still being well taken care of, and you can go build a new dream with your man?”
“Seriously? You want to buy this place?”
“Yeah, I’ve been thinking I could do free yoga and dance classes for kids at Rainbow House and donate some profits to them as well. I also have some ideas for expanding some of the adult classes, like maybe pole dancing and stuff.”
“Those are great ideas,” I agree. “I can’t just up and leave though,” I argue again as the knot of anxiety twists in the pit of my stomach.
“Why not?” Beck demands.
“I’ve only ever lived here. What would I do somewhere new? I would have to get used to a whole new grocery store, and I wouldn’t know where anything was.”
“You are not letting Max get away because they don’t have a fucking Albertsons on the East Coast. Jesus Clay, listen to yourself.”
“It’s not about the Albertsons.”
“What then?” Beck demands.
“I’m terrified. I can hardly function here; how will I manage to keep it together when I’m somewhere new and different. I can’t do it.” I put my face in my hands and let a few tears fall as the tight, burning sensation in the back of my throat intensifies.
“Sweetie,” Beck’s voice is gentle as he puts a hand on my shoulder. “Do you think Max would let you fall apart? He’ll be there to help you adjust. Will it be difficult at first? Of course. But you’ll get used to it, and then you’ll wonder what you were so afraid of to begin with.”
“Maybe,” I concede. “I’ll think about it.”
“That’s better than you’ve been giving me, so I’ll take it. Now, you need to get some sleep. Go home and rest; I’ll take your classes today. And I don’t want to see you back here until you look less like Nosferatu.”
I snort a laugh and wipe my eyes one last time before giving Beck a hug and standing up.
“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow. Thanks for everything; I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“You’d be utterly lost, obviously,” Beck agrees with a smirk.
“Very true.”
The fresh air outside wakes me up, and I decide to walk to the coffee shop and then head down to the park to clear my head.
Could it really be that easy just to move and trust that I’ll adjust eventually? I want it to be true. I want Beck to be right.
My mind wanders back to my call with Max last night. It’s just further proof that Max understands me better than I understand myself sometimes. Beck said Max would take care of me, and he has no idea how right he is. But can I lay this all on Max to deal with all my anxieties?
When I reach the park, I sit down in the grass and watch as people pass. I sip my coffee and shudder at the taste. It’s not as good as Max makes. Nothing is as good without Max here.
I pull my phone out of my pocket and call my mom.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Mom. I need some advice.”
“What’s wrong? You sound awful.”
I huff a laugh and absentmindedly wipe the specks of dirt off my shoes with my index finger.
“Do you think I should move to—”
“Absolutely,” My mom cuts me off before I can finish. “Get your ass on a plane today.”
“Jeez, you must be eager to get rid of me,” I try to joke, but my voice is too flat.
“Never. But I do want you to be happy. You can’t keep yourself in a safe little bubble here your whole life. You need to go out in the world and find your way.”
“I’m scared, and Beck said I should lean on Max, but I’m worried that will create a co-dependent relationship or something.”
“Leaning on your partner isn’t co-dependent; it’s what relationships are all about. I know I never had the chance to set many good examples for you where relationships are concerned. But love is about leaning on each other. When Max needed help with Gigi, he leaned on you, didn’t he?”
“Yeah,” I agree.
“See? He wasn’t co-dependent; he was letting you take some of the weight he couldn’t carry. He’ll do the same for you when you need him to.”
My heart leaps in my chest, acknowledging the truth in her words.
“Okay,” I say through a tight throat again.
“Okay, you’re going?”
“Yeah, I’m going to go.”
“Woohoo!” she shouts, and I have to hold the phone away from my ear with a chuckle.
“I’ll have to find someone to sublet our place, and I have a whole bunch of legal paperwork to get finished with Beck to sell him On Pointe. I’m going to need a massive to do list.”
“Sweetie, get your butt on a plane today. You can always come back to tie up loose ends, but you need to go to your man and tell him you’re not letting him get away.”
“Yeah,” I agree. “Okay, yeah. I love you Mom. Thank you for talking some sense into me.”
“Anytime. I love you, have a safe flight, and call me in a few days to tell me how happy you are.”
“I will.”