Chapter 7.
It was late morning when Nate opened his eyes. Rae was still asleep in his arms. He kissed her in the forehead as she wiggled and opened her eyes slowly.
“Morning,” he said softly.
“Morning,” Rae whispered into his ear. She lifted her arms and stretched. When she moved her legs, she got a sticky feeling all over her thighs. Leaning against Nate, she flashed him a naughty smile.
“Well ... I think I should take a shower before my legs stick together forever. And it’ll be on you.” She dramatically pointed under the sheets.
Nate pretended to study the sticky layer of his own juices all over her.
“Hmmm, we wouldn’t want that.” He pulled her on his chest into a slow sensual kiss.
They made love several times that night but it didn’t feel enough. Still, he thought, she must be sore.
“Leave her alone for 5 minutes you horny bastard”, his inner voice told him. This time he couldn’t help but laugh.
“Why don’t you take a shower?” he suggested. “I have to make a call to the London office.”
While checking the time, he frowned. “Actually, I should have done it by now.”
“I won’t be long,” he added.
“Take your time. I know I will.” Rae kissed him and jumped out of the bed. She really needed a shower although she felt strangely sad at the thought of washing away all traces of him.
The satisfied grin on Nate’s face slowly faded when she left. Although she was only a few feet away, the distance between them made him panic. One thought prevailed- when she comes back again, they will have to talk. Pushing her away meant breaking her heart, but telling her he might be sick meant breaking her mind. In each case, her smile would be gone. The thought of that was tearing him apart.
In an effort to cool down, he quickly put on boxers and went to the living room. He turned on his computer, grabbed his phone and pulled out some files from his briefcase.
The big merger Nate was working on was exhausting but he wanted to be involved in every stage of it. Many people and their job positions depended on him, and he felt responsible for everything to go smoothly. After fifteen minutes, he shut down the computer and stretched in his chair. He hoped his mind would clear, and he would know what to say. But it didn’t. He took a deep breath and went to find Rae.
*
Rae’s thoughts were all over the place. She felt like walking on clouds. As she entered the shower thinking about last night, for the first time in her life, she was genuinely happy. Yet, for some reason, fear of failure slowly crawled into her. There was reason why all this hadn’t happened before. She was afraid to let someone in, and he must have been afraid of losing his second family. But it felt so good, and her always over-analyzing brain desperately wanted to have a moment of peace. Just for once.
When Nate entered the room with an anxious expression on his face, she was the one who wanted to go first.
Putting her hand in the air in attempt to silence him before he even said anything; she slowly walked towards him.
“When I read your email, I had to come. Trust me; I weighed all pros and cons, a million times. But I’m not sorry.” Standing in front of him and telling him that made Rae feel more exposed and vulnerable than ever.
“Please, tell me you’re not, either”, she whispered.
Nate closed his eyes and put his arms around her.
“I will never be sorry for last night.” He whispered into her hair.
“Good. Because I don’t want to go back home tonight and then wait for a week or two for your return just to tell me it was a mistake.”
“Rae, I…” Nate started, but then his brain processed her words.
“Wait, what? You’re going back home? Tonight?” He was completely baffled.
“Yeah. I meant to tell you. But you kind of occupied me last night,” she blushed. “Anyway, I have a job interview tomorrow, and I have to go back tonight. There’s an opening at the Institute of Mathematical sciences, and they are looking for some fresh brains to help with some research they’re doing. Mr. Meyer, an associate professor at my university put on a good word for me. He’ll be interviewing me actually. It may not be long-term, but it’s a start.” She sounded excited and then continued, “But you’ll follow me home soon, right?”
Nate suddenly saw a silver lining in all of this. She has to go back anyway, and he won’t know the test results at least for a few days. There was no point in talking to her now.
“Nate, did you hear what I asked? You're coming back soon, right?” Rae interrupted his frantic thoughts.
“As soon as possible,” he replied kissing her temple. He couldn’t look at her in her eyes.
“This is the best for her,” he kept repeating to himself.
*
The sound of Nate’s intercom interrupted them.
Nate unwillingly let go of Rae and opened the intercom line.
“I'm here with breakfast little brother and don’t you dare bailing on me.” He heard Lisa’s voice.
“It’s Lisa. She's coming up.” Nate turned to Rae. “Listen; let's not say anything to her, okay? Not yet."
For a moment, Rae got an impression that Nate might be ashamed of what had happened, but she didn’t say anything. Honestly, at this point, she would probably do the same with her family, so she quickly agreed.
“Just follow my lead,” he winked conspiratorially, trying to ease the tension in the air.
When Nate opened the door and Lisa saw Rae, she was shocked. She hasn’t seen Rae in years and as she stood there with her mouth open, Nate jumped in.
“Well, you can thank yourself later for ruining your surprise. We were about to come over to you. Rae is here for a couple of days with her friend Inez who is applying for a job here and since she has her schedule full today and it’s their last day here, I offered to take Rae to visit you and give her a quick London tour.”
Lisa looked as she’d bought it. “Well, what a surprise. I'm so glad to see you again kiddo.” She hugged Rae.
Rae tried not to wipe the sweat from her forehead as she listened to Nate’s monolog. “Keep it short and with fewer details as possible”, she remembered all those thriller and crime books she read. So when Lisa hugged her, she felt relieved. Nate managed to put on a winning smile while Lisa wasn’t looking and Rae held back not to laugh.
“Luckily, I brought enough food to feed an entire army. So now we eat, and then we’ll show you London, Summers style,” Lisa sounded thrilled.
“But first, tell me everything. How are you, your parents? Nate’s been stingy with words lately,” she gave Nate an accusing look.
Nate rolled his eyes just to annoy his sister but also to relax Rae. Her face turned red from embarrassment when Lisa put away breakfast bag on the kitchen counter. He knew what she was thinking about because the same thing crossed his mind- her, naked, on that counter.
Even though Nate wanted to keep Rae all day in the apartment, preferably in his bed, he also knew how much she wanted to see London. Technically, he wasn’t lying to her, but he was hiding things from her and it was eating him alive. Therefore, a part of him wanted to use an extra day universe gave him and just enjoy having her. The other part of him wanted to smack himself on the head for thinking that and welcomed Lisa’s surprising visit.
*
Half an hour later, an unusual trio, with Lisa in charge, left Nate’s building, picked up Lisa’s sons Ben and Matt, and started a London tour.
Nate spent entire time secretly looking at Rae and checking his watch.
“She’ll leave soon. You may not see her again,” the evil voice in his head kept repeating. He had to restrain himself not to reach for her, wrap himself around her and send everyone away.
Rae felt the same, but she tried to enjoy herself. Lisa’s sons were hilarious, and she saw a lot of Nate in them.
“Why don’t you guys take a seat somewhere because your hips probably already hurt, and Ben and I will show Rae the real London.” Matt teased his mother and Nate.
“No can do. It’s past noon. Your naptime. So go get your blanket and shut up. Or I’ll tell your mom to put you on adoption. She mentioned it a few times, actually. ” Nate grinned at his nephew and Lisa started to nod agreeing.
Rae couldn’t resist saying, “Relax boys. Now kiss and make up because I can't blow off anyone of you. I was taught not be rude towards kids and old people,” she flashed a smile.
Nate and Lisa started to laugh and boys quickly followed. Nate felt an unusual pride. Rae charmed his nephews and made all of them laugh. Teasing and word fights had always been a source of fun in his family. It’s almost like they all genetically inherited that ability. Somehow, Rae fit in perfectly. And it warmed and hurt his heart in the same time.
Four hours passed in no time, and they were resting their feet at a café when Rae checked the time.
“Oh God, I have to go soon.”
Nate’s heart skipped the beat.
“I'll take Rae to the airport.” He turned to her sister. “Inez will wait for her there,” he added as he remembered the whole story they made up.
Lisa pulled Rae in a long embrace. “It was so good seeing you kiddo. Give all my love to your parents and grandparents and tell them we will visit soon, I promise. These two monsters are now old enough to behave on a plane." Lisa let go of Rae and put her arms around her kids as they rolled their eyes. Then she gave Nate a significant look.
“I’ll call you.”
Nate assumed she meant tomorrow after his return from hospital, so he just nodded, grateful she didn’t mention anything in front of Rae.
When Lisa and kids took off, Rae and Nate got into his car and just sat there quietly.
Nate reached for Rae's hand but then changed his mind and put it back on the steering wheel. Rae noticed that gesture, so she was the one who put her hand on his knee trying to get him to look at her.
“I'm sorry Rae. I wanted this...today… to be a little different.” He turned to her and forced a smile.
“Me too. I really enjoyed all this but...”
He interrupted her with a kiss, a different one, gentler than that last night, as if it hurt him to be close to her.
Rae pulled back. A feeling that something bad will happen if she leaves crawled into her.
“You know, maybe I can reschedule my job interview. One of my professors will be interviewing me anyway, and we’re on good terms. As far as I know, there are no other candidates. I'm sure he won’t mind if I postpone it for few days,” she tried to find a solution to stay.
“No!” Nate sounded rougher than he wanted it.
Fear of losing her came all over him, but he pushed down the selfish emotion. He'd only ever wanted the best for her. Though it made him feel like his guts were being ripped out, he said, “You have to go. I mean, it wouldn’t be professional for you to postpone your first interview.”
His swift negative reaction to her preposition caught Rae by surprise. However, she got a hold of herself.
"Yeah, you're probably right."
When Nate saw her uncomfortably staring through the car window, he knew he hurt her.
“We’ll see each other soon.” He tried to soften his reaction.
Rae moved the corners of her lips, trying to smile, and then she looked at her watch.
“Yeah, we should go.” Nate knew what she was thinking. With a tired sigh, he grabbed the wheel and eased away from the curb.
Each of them engaged in their own thoughts; they didn’t speak the entire time to the airport.
“What the hell was that?” went through Rae’s mind. He had a valid point, but the way he said that... And how quickly he said it…
“It’s for the best. For now.” Nate was reassuring himself. He didn't know what to say to make it all better and the silence suffocated him.
When they arrived at the airport, Nate assisted her with the bag and escorted her to the gate. That was it. Their goodbye. Maybe for a week or two, maybe for a long time. He refused to let word “forever” infect his mind. If everything turns out to be ok, he will come to her soon, making up for his behavior for the rest of his life if it takes.
If not… He remembered all those months cursing his weakness, his inability to function while hooked up to all those tubes and drugs. To Rae, it would be like endlessly standing at that frozen lake, watching him fade away. He wasn’t afraid of fading; he was afraid for her.
Noticing her emotional distance, he pulled her in his arms, and, with the most sincere hope, he whispered, “I’ll see you soon” in her shoulder. He kissed her in the corner of her lips and stayed that way, wanting to breathe her in.
“See you, Nate,” she replied while letting her fingers caress face, wanting to memorize the way his beard felt under them. Then she let go of his grip, and went to the airplane entrance.
*
The airplane was cramped, but Rae managed to get a seat next to the window. Her emotions were all over the place. Her always-logical mind fought against her irrational heart. It really would be unprofessional to reschedule her job interview. Hell, Nate fought the snow blizzard just to get to a meeting. She worked in her parent’s store for weeks to help them even though it didn’t really fit with her plans. They were alike; both responsible, determined to do things that needed to be done. Yet, she couldn’t help but feel humiliated and too exposed. She offered to stay with him, but he refused without even giving it a millisecond of thought. In addition, his behavior was odd.
The flight attendant approached Rae and offered a drink, and she accepted it. Holding a plane ticket in her hand and calculating how she spent most of her savings on it, she let go her self- pity for the night.
“God, please, don’t let this turn out to be just a very expensive booty call,” she thought ironically.
*
When Nate returned to his apartment, he felt as if somebody ran over him. The urge to put a fist through the wall was still there, but he had enough of hospital, and a broken hand wouldn’t help his aversion towards it. Then he heard his cell phone ringing. It was Lisa.
“What the hell was that?”
He should have known. Lisa was the mother of two teenagers. Hence, the FBI could hire her as a human lie detector. Nate tiredly sat on the sofa in an act of surrender. He had no choice but to explain what had happened, leaving out the details a sister shouldn’t know.
“Nate,” he heard her sigh after he finished. “Do you really need all this now? I mean, Rae is a wonderful kid, but do you think she will know how to deal with your life?”
“That’s why I sent her home. Because I’m afraid she won’t,” Nate thought for himself.
“I don’t know sis,” he replied instead. “I don’t know where this is going. God knows I tried to resist it. I tried to stay away. But for once in my life, I put away all the logic and rationalism and I took what I longed for. And I’ll be damned, but… I am not sorry.”
He waited for Lisa to say something but all he heard was silence.
“I just want you to be happy, baby brother,” Lisa finally whispered.
“I know sis.”
“So are you?”
Nate didn’t know what to say. He was happy yesterday, when Rae was in his arms. And he was the most miserable man in the world as he watched her leave an hour ago. Finally admitting himself, he uttered the three words he dreaded.
“I love her.”