Chapter 9.
Rae needed to think about past events, and since she had several weeks before her job was about to start, she decided to go back home again. When she showed up at her parents’ doorstep, Alice immediately realized something was wrong, but she didn’t say anything. She knew better than to push Rae into something.
The next morning, the two of them were having a cup of coffee, remembering the time they used to do that when Rae was a little girl. Brad spent most of his days at the store, catching up.
“Honey, is everything okay?” Alice gently asked. “Now, I have to go to the store to help your dad but if you need me to stay..." she hesitated.
Rae smiled at her. “Go. I’ll be fine. I’m actually looking forward to some solitude.”
Alice did what Rae said, but as she was driving away from her home she had a feeling everything would be ok.
Nate called her last night. It was late, and Rae already left to bed. According to him, Rae wasn’t answering her cell phone, and he needed to know where she was. Alice wasn’t ignorant, but she didn’t mind playing it this time. Her daughter showing up looking miserable after a surprising trip to London, Nate desperately trying to find her, a strange call from Lisa asking about the amount of time Rae and Nate are spending together… Not to mention the way Nate handled Rae’s panic attack back then. It wasn’t hard to deduct that he was probably on his way here. And she was happy about it. He’ll be the light in her daughter’s darkest moments. She just has to let him in.
Rae stood at the front porch and watched her mom leave. Soon she’ll have some explaining to do but thankfully, she gave her some time. She welcomed the silence around her. Winter was about to end but chills went down her spine. This winter brought a lot upon her. It shook the grounds beneath her, making her do all the things she tried to escape from. She thought about the life she had been carefully building, and now it seemed like a futile attempt to control things that can’t be controlled. Her dad still got injured, she let Nate in, she fell in love with him and if that wasn’t enough, he was facing a terrible disease.
Rae found herself ashamed by her own stupidity and naivety. Did she really think she could control all this, so she would never have to face with someone getting hurt? Or worse, with her not being able to help if someone was getting hurt?
However, Nate’s actions hurt her more that her naivety. He knew how hard it was for her to let him in like that. She gave herself to him completely. All of her. And he didn’t do the same. That was the problem, eating her alive.
She was just about to put the last of the dishes in the dishwasher when she heard the doorbell ring. Her mom had probably forgotten something.
“Mom, you don’t have to ring, I’m not doing anything …” she froze with an unfinished sentence in her mouth. Nate. All handsome in his brown jacket and thick hair, and shooting testosterone, as always. Her legs were about to betray her but the shooting pain around her heart reminded her that he hurt her. What the hell was he doing there?
“Rae,” he said with a hint of despair in his voice, “please.”
“How did you know I was here?” she managed to keep calm.
“It looks like we both keep finding out things about each other at the most unexpected places,” he painfully remarked, without a slightest trace of judgment. “And since you didn’t let me finish the other day...“ he paused.
Rae remained silent.
He made a step closer to her restraining himself not to touch her.
“I didn’t tell you anything because I didn’t want to drag you into my problems. I didn’t want you to have to deal with it, not because I thought you couldn’t. And I didn’t have all the information yet.”
“What would have happened if the test results were different?” Rae finally uttered.
Nate ran his fingers through his hair and shrugged.
“I honestly don’t know; I just don’t know. I don’t want to lie to you. Never again.” He paused and then continued.
“You are young; you’ve just started your life. I don’t know if I could have let you watch the ending of my own.” The pain on his face was heartbreaking.
Rae stood still, her face calm but her eyes watering.
“But I'm fine. I'm fine now, Rae.” Nate grabbed her hand. And then he let it go realizing she needed space.
“That doesn’t mean I'm going to be fine forever Rae. But I'm here. Because I love you. I love you so much it hurts. And it scares the hell out of me. When you called me, all I could think about is that I’m losing you. And for the first time in my life, I felt I was dying. And I don’t take dying for granted, Rae,” Nate spilled all his heart.
Taking a breath, Nate continued while Rae fought with millions of emotions.
“You can deny this all you want, but I know you're afraid to lose people. So now I ask you- can you deal with me? Can you deal with the fact that my disease might come back in five or twenty years? Or that a bus might run over me tomorrow?”
Rae tried to say something but words escaped her.
Was he right? Can she blame him for not knowing how she will react to the idea of him dying? After everything he knew and saw.
“Nate, I...I just…” Rae couldn’t finish the sentence.
Suddenly, she found herself moving away from Nate, putting on her boots and jacket and rushing outside with a blank stare on her face.
She walked to the lake, a place she hadn’t been at for 15 years. Her heart threatened to jump out of her chest as she approached it. Her mind wrestled with everything that happened. She forced herself not to look away. Not this time. Pure, calm water stretched into what it looked like infinity. It all started here. That lake took so much from her, so many possibilities. It restrained her, set up walls around her.
She remembered a quote she once read, “Everything you've ever wanted is on the other side of fear.”
Yes, she can continue living her life the way it was. She can let Nate go to protect them both from the possibility of her failing to deal with all of it. She can continue living her life always wondering “What if?” What if she embraces life, with all of its difficulties? Life with Nate. And suddenly she felt the walls surrounding her come crashing down. She turned away and ran back towards house, praying with all of her heart Nate was still there.
Nate watched Rae leave, and he knew he has to let her go. He was the one who left her, too many times, not giving her a benefit of the doubt. This time, he decided, he will be the one waiting. Trying to protect her ended up in hurting her, and he was painfully aware of that. So he sat on the front porch with his head between his knees, waiting to see if his life was about to begin or end.
When he saw Rae run towards him, he stood up not knowing what to expect. Then she threw herself at him. Nate found her lips and kissed her with such hunger she lost her breath.
“I’m sorry. I had to do something”, she murmured while kissing him back. She pressed her face on his.
“I love you too. So much. But don’t ever keep secrets from me again”, she whispered to him. “I’ll be there for you. In good and bad. Whatever it takes. Even if you get hit by a bus.” A smile on her face made Nate the happiest man on the world.
“Just make sure you stay pretty.” A joke escaped her mouth, and he laughed with all his heart.
After a kiss they both longed for, he lifted her in his arms and carried her into the house.
“I understand from reliable sources, that we are currently alone in this house. And I'm just dying for you to show me Britney Spears posters' in your room.” Nate teased her while kissing her neck.
Rae gently bit him on his ear "I have to disappoint you; you’ll only find movie posters in my room.”
“That’s fine. Honestly, I’m only interested in your bed anyway,” he replied kissing her fiercely, hinting all the things he would do to her right there in her room. Rae giggled with her stomach aching from expectation. From now on, she’s never letting him go. And the same thought went through his head. “Forever mine”, the voice in Nate’s head was finally satisfied.
*
A couple of days later, as Rae nested in Nate's arms in his apartment, their apartment, she thought about the choices she made. Bad things could happen tomorrow, or in 30 years. She chose to believe the latter, but to be prepared for the first. Whatever happens, she had learned that some things were out of her control. That's something she’d have to live with.
However, there is one uncertainty, one question she won’t have to live with- What if? Because the answer was right there, by her side. Healthy. Strong. Hers. And that was the only thing that mattered to her, she realized as Nate interrupted her thoughts with a long, promising kiss.