Chapter 5.
Rae felt weird being alone in Nate’s apartment for the first time. But she fell in love with it the moment she entered. It was just the way she pictured it. Warm, woody, with many books and huge windows. It could use a woman’s touch, but she was quite impressed.
For the first half an hour, she went through his library and as she moved her fingers across all the titles, she wondered if he had read all these books. The caffeine deprivation kicked in, so she made herself coffee and sat on his sofa. “Oh God, I’m taking you with me”, she blurted at loud as she sank into soft comfortable fabric.
She thought about making herself something to eat, but she wasn’t hungry and decided to take a long hot shower instead. When she reluctantly got out of it, she realized her bag was still in Nate’s car, which meant she had no clean clothes. Then she remembered walking past laundry room on the way to the bathroom. Nate wouldn’t mind if she borrows his t-shirt, she hoped.
Three hours after Nate left her there; Rae looked out the window. Outside, the visibility was zero, and she worried about him. When she heard the doorbell, she jumped.
It was Nate, all covered in snow, looking exhausted.
“Hey.” His eyes lit up when they met hers.
“Hey. I was worried.”
“It’s the bloody North Pole outside,” he muttered. “I think I had enough of snow and driving for this year.”
Then he suddenly paused. “God, you need to get home.” Running his fingers through wet hair, he frowned, and the wrinkle between his eyebrows deepened.
“Well.. I…” Rae started to feel uncomfortable.
“Stay,” he looked at her. “Stay here tonight. By morning, the streets will be cleared. I'll drive you home so you can get your paper and I'll even take you to the university” It felt like a reasonable preposition. Weather conditions were awful and he was exhausted. In addition, he didn’t want to put Rae through another snowy ride.
Rae hesitated. But when she saw him standing there, tired and wet, looking like someone sucked the life out of him, she just nodded in acceptance.
“Ok. I’ll sleep on the couch. We got pretty intimate with each other in the last few hours, anyway. Why don’t you take a shower and I’ll make some dinner?” She didn’t like the way he looked, and she sure as hell won’t contribute to it by forcing him to drive her home.
Nate nodded obediently and dragged himself to the bathroom. He felt broken, weak, and his stomach turned. It was all strangely familiar to him. When he closed the bathroom door and leaned on them, he noticed the wet shower walls. Then it hit him. Rae was in his house. Just the two of them. For the first time. And she was standing in his shower moments ago. Naked. With water flowing all over her body.
“Stop it; you idiot” he growled at himself as he entered the shower. At first, he turned the water tap to hot, but suddenly he changed his mind, and he welcomed cold water on his body. God knew he needed it…
When he came out of the shower, Rae was standing in the kitchen, frying bacon and eggs. It was only then that he realized she was wearing his t-shirt. It was so big on her that it reached her knees; and the sleeves, which were short on him, covered her arms all the way to the elbows. The idea of Rae wearing something that belonged to him woke some primitive desire in him.
“Maybe you should take another cold shower,” that little voice in his head mocked him.
Rae turned to him and he got alarmed she’d guess what he was thinking.
“Oh, sorry, the bag with my clothes is still in your car, and …”
“No, no, it's ok.” He interrupted her. “It looks good on you,” he said hoarsely while turning away from her to the stove to get the chance to pull himself together. “Now, this smells great.”
Rae filled their plates and sat opposing him. For some inexplicable reason, he looked terribly tense, but at least he didn’t look as weary; she thought.
They ate in silence and when they finished, Nate stood up, put his plate in the dishwasher and asked, “Are you sure you don’t want to sleep in my room? I can sleep on the sofa.”
Rae shook her head. "Your sofa is more comfortable than my bed, Nate. This is an upgrade for me. Trust me. A spaceship," she smiled reassuringly.
“As you wish, my lady.” Nate tried brightening up the atmosphere and then disappeared in his room only to come back shortly after, carrying a pillow and a blanket. “Here's some extra equipment for your spaceship,” he grinned.
“Thanks.” Rae caught the pillow he gently threw at her and smiled. “You can go to sleep. You've been through a lot in past 36 hours and I know you’re exhausted. I’ll clean up.”
She saw the inner struggle in him, but he finally sighed. “You're right, I could use some sleep.” He went towards his room, but then he turned to her and said, “If you need anything, just shout. I’m a light- sleeper.”
“Me too,” she thought to herself as she nodded.
There wasn’t a lot to clean, so within minutes, Rae was lying on Nate's comfortable sofa, but couldn’t sleep. The images of Nate lying in the next room danced in her head. He looked particularly tired tonight, and she knew he was wrapped up in his work, but she hoped she didn’t contribute to it. With everything going on, he had to deal with her, too. She felt guilty for disrupting his life. And when she breathed in the scent of his t-shirt, she felt even guiltier.
Only a few feet away, on his bed, Nate was staring at the ceiling. Thousands of thoughts passed through his head. But one was dominant. Rae. In his t-shirt caressing her body, on his sofa. He felt unusual ache in his body.
“It’s called lust,” that bloody voice attacked him again, and he felt powerless against it.
Alice watched him strangely yesterday. Did she notice something different about this visit? Should have he let her go comfort Rae after her panic attack? Was he in trouble? Or worse, did he get Rae in trouble? Rae told him she sent a message to her parents to let them know they arrived safely, but she didn’t tell them where she was now. All the better, Nate thought.
Two hours later, Nate assumed that Rae had fallen asleep and went to get a glass of water from the kitchen. He was about to reach the doorknob when he realized he was only in his boxers. He quickly pulled on tracksuit bottoms and exited the room.
Rae was sitting by the window, her naked legs pulled up to her chin, wearing that t-shirt of his and gazing through the glass. She didn’t notice him. The street lamp illuminated her hair and face, and she looked sad. He felt something tightening around his chest.
Suddenly, she turned her head in his direction, and he felt like a kid who was caught spying on girls in the locker room. He flinched and knocked a book from the shelf behind him. She stared at him surprised with her mouth slightly open. He began apologizing, feeling like an idiot for invading her privacy.
“Ermm... sorry, I just went to get a glass of water.” He turned away to leave, but then he heard a silent scream.
"Nate!" Rae made a few steps toward him holding her hand on her mouth as if she tried to stop the sound coming from her. Nate looked lost in his own house throughout this entire evening and she felt terrible.
“I am the one who’s sorry. You have so much on your mind. I see how tired you are. And if that’s not enough, now you have to worry about me. I’m such a hassle. I... I occupied your apartment, your time… Not just today. Yesterday...”
Nate put his hands on his head and interrupted her loudly. “Stop. You don’t understand.” He came closer to her, so close he could feel her breath on his bare chest, and continued. “Rae, you're not a hassle. You are... I want you here,” he said with such despair in his voice, as if it hurt him to admit that. Then he lowered his forehead to meet hers, and the uncontrollable desire to kiss her consumed him.
Rae was overpowered by his scent. With absolutely no control over it, she touched his chest softly as his forehead touched hers. She felt his heartbeat. Her fingers moved across his perfectly shaped torso. “What are you doing?” She yelled in her mind, wanting to slap herself.
“Rae,” Nate murmured as his eyes darkened and closed. The way he pronounced her name send the wave of heat through her.
"Nate," she whispered back.
As Nate felt her breath on his skin he desperately tried to fight off the need to take her, to consume her all, make her his.
He clenched his teeth and whispered, “Things could change forever Rae. It takes so little. I can’t do this.”
The next thoughts he kept to himself. “I can’t do this to you or to myself. If I have you, I will never be able to let you go. And you don’t deserve being sucked into my life.”
Gasping with painful expression on his face, he moved away from her and quickly walked away into his room.
Rae couldn’t move. She just stared at the empty room. Then she collapsed on the sofa, burying her hands into her face, struggling not to cry from embarrassment, rejection and more than anything- need. Need that wouldn’t go away.
She saw incredible control in him. Something she already strove to accomplish her entire life, although not always successful. Did he want her? In what way? And did it matter anyway? He will never allow her to find out, as he will not let relationships die, friendships and family break. The truth is, neither would she. She would never drag him into her screwed up life.
But for the first time, a small part of her wanted to climb out of that walls she built so carefully.
The next day, Rae had left before Nate woke up. She couldn’t sleep all night and as soon as snow stopped, she sneaked out. When she finally entered her own little apartment, she closed the door and stood there leaning on them.
After few minutes, she straightened up and breathed in.
“Okay, let’s get some work done,” she whispered to herself as she took a shower, put on some clean clothes, grabbed her bag and went to the university.
When she finally turned in her paper, Inez caught up with her in the corridor. Rae looked at her as if she hadn’t seen her in ages.
”How was your trip?” her friend was curious. Then she gave her a second look. “What happened?”
Rae only briefly answered, "I’ll tell you later" and added, “Don’t worry.” Right now, all she wanted was to sleep.
*
Rae didn’t hear a word from Nate for three weeks. She knew he was leaving for London in two weeks and hoped he would call or write, but it didn’t happen. She would check her email every morning but there was no word from him. She missed him. She missed sharing random thoughts with him. And more than anything, she missed his presence, his scent. It was like he imprinted on her.
During these few weeks, she successfully defended her thesis, and was happy about it. Yet, she wanted to share her success with Nate.
Inez organized a girl’s night out to celebrate, and Rae was sipping her second cocktail when she received a text.
“Congratulations. You deserved it. XO. Nate.”
How did he know? Who told him? He couldn’t find out anywhere except ... Except from her family. Did he talk to them?
“Thanks,” she wrote. However, vodka in her cocktail encouraged her to write another message. “I miss you."
She stared at her phone for a minute, but it seemed like an eternity. Then the screen finally lit up as she held her breath.
“I miss you too.”
Soon, another message appeared. “Did you hear about fast food chain opening next to that little sandwich shop on 3rd street?“
A sigh of relief passed through her. "Don’t get me started..."
Not even loud music at the club couldn’t outvoice Rae’s thought- “He is back.”
*
Nate read her text dozens of times. “I miss you,” she wrote. Last three weeks were hell, as he was at the very verge of self-destruction, thinking he had lost her. He was mad at himself for almost ruining everything that night. It was inexcusable because he invited her to stay, and she trusted him. Then he barely stopped himself from devouring her.
“Nice choice of words,” that voice inside him mocked him. But it was true. He felt this lust that he never felt before. He wanted her so bad that it hurt. So bad that he spent every night since then, thinking about Rae and what he would do to her, to her body. Every time he cried out her name in ecstasy. And seconds later he’d went furious at himself.
Therefore, he couldn’t call her. He couldn’t write her. The reason was simple- what if he couldn’t fight the need to pull her in his life deeper than he should?
Then Alice called him yesterday. It wasn’t unusual to hear from Rae’s family, but Brad would usually be the one who called him. Allegedly, she just wanted to check in how he’s doing. Then she got to the point.
“Thank you for taking care of Rae that night. You know, with us being away; I'm so grateful she has you in her life over there. Now that she had defended her thesis, she will probably soon go on a job hunt and I know you’ll have plenty of advice...”
Nate didn't hear the rest of the sentence. He missed her thesis defense. He wasn’t there for her.
There was one more thing that Alice said and this time he heard it right.
“You know, we all love you very much, even though you’re not technically family...“ Then she paused. “And maybe that’s a good thing, huh?” She didn’t wait for an answer and promptly said, “Well, I have to go. Bye Nate.”
Nate stared at the blank screen of his phone. What did she mean? Was she not upset at him? At his close relationship with Rae? Is it possible she thinks the opposite? He found himself infected with hope.
But first things first, he decided. Rae was on the verge of academic success, and he wasn’t by her side. He was so proud of her, and she needed to know that.
And now after a few texts, he finally got her back. Just the way they were. “It will have to be enough”, he concluded.