When I pull up outside my parents’ home, a small bungalow nestled in an idyllic suburb on the outskirts of the city, the kids are out the door before I’ve had a chance to shut off the engine. The smile that crosses my face isn’t forced. They’re the only respite I have at the moment, the only peace in my rocky world, and while holding it together in front of them is adding to my exhaustion, I’m feeding off their love and their need to be close to me right now.
Jumping out of my car, I remove my shades and brace myself for their attack. They reach me at the same time, each finding their places in my side.
‘Can we go now?’ Maddie asks, looking up at me.
It’s the question I was prepared for, yet the words I’ve practised all morning disappear on me. ‘Let’s head inside,’ I say, leading them towards the front door. ‘I need to talk to you guys.’
‘What is it?’ Jacob’s gone from my side in a heartbeat. ‘Is it Mum? Is she okay?’
‘She’s fine,’ I assure him, placing my hand on his mop of dirty-blond hair and pulling him back into me. ‘I’ve been thinking, and I want to share my thoughts with you two.’
‘What about?’ Maddie asks.
‘Are you going to stop us going to the hospital again?’ Jacob’s tone is defensive. ‘You are, aren’t you, Dad? Why? Doesn’t Mum want to see us?’
My heart bleeds, and I hold him tighter into my side. ‘She’s desperate to see you.’ I stretch the truth a little, if only for the sake of my kids. I’ve caught Ava a few times this week feeling her tummy, and I know every time she’s had a shower she’s been studying the small collection of stretch marks on her stomach, trying to get her head around the fact that she’s a mother of eleven-year-old twins.
When I asked her if she wanted to see her children, I could sense the mental battle she was having in her head, and the tears flowed quickly after. Listening to my wife tell me that she didn’t want to disappoint them tore my heart out. And when she begged me to help her remember them, getting herself in a state, crying and shouting, I decided what needed to be done. I need to tell her our story from the very beginning in the only way I know how. With actions. Where to start is the biggest question.
I look up to the front door and see my mum and dad standing on the porch watching us. Their faces are both sad. I know Mum can’t bear seeing me like this. I try to disguise my devastation, but there’s nothing a son can keep from his mother, whether he’s ten or fifty.
I give my father a strained smile when he raises his hand, telling me he’s got it covered, so diverting the kids away from the door, I walk them down to the garden and sit them on the bench overlooking Dad’s vegetable patch.
‘She’s trying so hard to get better for you both,’ I tell them. ‘And I need to help her do that.’
‘You mean remember us,’ Maddie corrects me, holding my hand as if she could fall down a hole if she let go of me. She’s keeping me from falling down that hole, too.
I nod, not prepared to lie, and crouch down in front of them, squeezing their hands. ‘You see, there’s a small part of Mum’s brain that’s not quite working properly at the moment.’
‘Because of the bang on her head?’ Jacob asks.
‘Yes, because of that. It’s like the key’s jammed, keeping the memories all locked up. I need to unjam that key.’
Maddie’s bottom lip starts to tremble, and her eyes fill with sad tears. ‘How could she forget us, Daddy?’
If at any point in my life I’ve wanted to rip my heart out and serve it at the feet of hope, then it’s now. This moment, looking at my children who are so devastated. ‘She hasn’t forgotten you,’ I tell them firmly, constricting my hold of their hands. ‘She’s just momentarily misplaced her memories. I’m going to help her find them, I promise. Tell me you believe me. Tell me you trust your daddy.’
Both of them nod, and I reach forward to yank them both into my chest, cuddling them with a force like no other. I’m strong. I need them to feel my strength.
‘Nan and Pap are going to take you to the coast for a week or two while I help Mum, okay? You’ll love it down in Newquay. You need to have some fun. Take Pap surfing and help Nan catch some sandworms.’
‘Pap can’t surf,’ Jacob chuckles through his tears, the sound washing over me like the best kind of medicine. ‘And Nan’s scared of sandworms.’
I cluck his cheek. ‘Then make sure you hide one in her handbag.’
‘She’ll know you told us to do it.’ Maddie rolls her red eyes before rubbing under them. ‘She’ll curse you to hell again.’
‘I’m already going to hell in your nan’s eyes.’ I rub some hair away from Maddie’s face and ruffle Jacob’s mop. ‘Look after them for your mum, yeah?’
Jacob moves in and takes his sister’s hand, a sign of their solidarity and determination. My babies. ‘And you’ll look after Mum? Help her?’ he asks.
‘I promise.’
‘How do we know she’ll ever remember us?’ Maddie, my little live wire, my spirited, defiant little madam, isn’t as sure as her brother, and seeing her take the comfort Jacob is offering shreds me and warms me at the same time.
‘Because your dad said she will,’ I cough through my closing throat. ‘And what your dad says is law.’
‘We know,’ they say in unison, looking at each other and smiling, as if silently agreeing that they trust me.
Which is good, because they should.
And I will not let them down.