Eighteen months later
Ava
The sun is warm, the sky clear. Our house smells like cakes baking and potatoes roasting. It’s all mixing up with the drifting scent of charcoal from the barbecue floating in from the garden. It smells like home, our home, and the sounds are perfectly our home, too. Maddie’s music blaring down the stairs, Jacob smacking a tennis ball across the net. John-Boy squealing in the garden. I smile and peek out the kitchen window as I rub cream into my hands, seeing Jesse on all fours chasing him. I say chase. He’s making all the threatening sounds as he crawls after our lumbering toddler on the lawn. He’s just walking. Literally just. I was beginning to worry; the twins were both on their feet at twelve months, but John-Boy . . . oh, no. But then when he’s got four people to carry him around wherever he pleases, why the hell would he bother using his own two feet?
Taking my apron off and letting my hair out of its ponytail, I head for the garden to join in the fun now all the food is prepped.
As I make it to the back door, finding them rolling around on the grass, I can’t bring myself to interrupt their roughty-toughty fun. Besides, I’m hardly dressed for wrestling. So I stand at the door, my shoulder resting on the frame, and I do something I’ll never tire of. I watch them. Jesse and John-Boy. I watch them laugh, roll, squeal. My husband is on his back and currently has our toddler held in the air above him, swishing him from side to side like a diving fighter plane. He’s making the noises to match. John-Boy thinks it’s hilarious. I do, too. All that fear Jesse tried to hide in the early stages of my pregnancy was wasted effort. I understood his panic. Fifty is quite mature to be fathering a child. But, truth is, it’s given him a new lease of life. After everything that happened, John’s death, Lauren and my accident, John-Boy was a pure blessing in disguise.
I breathe in and take a seat on the steps quietly so they don’t notice they have a spectator. Jesse rolls over and places John-Boy on his unsteady feet, quickly moving back. ‘Can you catch Daddy?’ he asks, ruffling up John-Boy’s blond hair. It’s thick and gorgeous, just like his brother’s and just like his daddy’s.
‘Dada, noooooo!’ John-Boy bends at the waist and places his little palms on his knees, like he could be telling Jesse off. I stifle a laugh, grinning like an idiot as John-Boy stomps forward with outstretched arms and Jesse walks back on his knees, keeping the distance. ‘Dada, bad!’ He’s getting stroppy, his gorgeous little face twisting with displeasure. ‘Back, back, back!’ he shouts. ‘Back, Dada!’
‘You can go faster,’ Jesse tells him, getting to his feet. ‘Run for Daddy.’
‘John-Boy run!’ He waddles on, his pace picking up. ‘John-Boy, run, run, run!’
‘That’s it.’ Jesse walks backwards, his pace slow, even though John-Boy’s little chubby legs are now virtually sprinting. My breath catches when I see him stumble, his hands coming up in an instinctual move to save him before he hits the deck. He doesn’t need those hands.
‘Oops, there he goes.’ Jesse laughs, swiping John-Boy from his feet in one swift move. And then he is sailing through the air like a jet plane once again. Jesse’s always there for him. Always there for all of us.
I clap, laughing, winning both of their attention. I’m not sure whose green eyes sparkle more. ‘Good running, John-Boy!’ I call, holding out my hands for him to come.
‘Mama!’ He struggles free from Jesse’s hold and gets set on his feet. God, his little grinning face is just edible. Clomping on his way, he holds his arms out while Jesse keeps close company behind to catch him when he falls. Because he will.
About two of Jesse’s strides away, the inevitable trip happens. And once again he’s saved by Daddy, who swings him into my arms. ‘There he is!’ I sing, catching him from Jesse’s hands and putting my lips straight on his cheek, making him giggle, the sound so sweet.
Jesse lowers to the step beside me, his attention now on me. When his gaze meets mine, he smiles that roguish smile. ‘I like your dress.’
‘Of course you do. You chose it.’ I roll my eyes as I reach over to offer my lips. I don’t get a chance to poise them ready for his attack. He’s on me fast, delivering a smacker of a kiss. ‘Hmmm, you smell divine.’ I hum, feeling John-Boy pulling at the top of my black wraparound dress. That fresh water scent on my husband is still the best tranquilliser, my body folding under the smell, his breath always so minty fresh.
Pulling back a fraction, Jesse circles my nose with his. ‘Someone wants access,’ he quips, nodding to John-Boy wrestling with the black material of my dress. ‘Greedy little sod.’
‘Someone needs to get used to the fact that Mummy’s boobs aren’t at his disposal.’ I take John-Boy’s hands and push them away, making him whine and start slapping my chest in protest.
‘I know, mate,’ Jesse sighs, reaching for his chubby cheek and pinching lightly. ‘She’s a tease, right?’
I laugh, repositioning John-Boy on my lap, away from me. He’s having none of it, fighting to turn. I moan. This weaning business is exhausting, but with me now setting up my own interior design firm, it’s essential. Plus, he’s way too big now to be hanging off my boob. ‘Mummy will get you a bottle.’
‘Booby, booby, booby!’
Jesse falls apart, chuckling uncontrollably next to me while I fight off our relentless toddler. ‘Just let him have what he wants.’ Jesse places his hand on John-Boy’s head, rubbing lovingly.
I refuse to give in, and part of me is wondering if my conniving husband has a method to his madness, because he usually does. And this time, I suspect he’s cottoned onto the fact that with his son stuck to my breast, there’s no way I can go back to work full-time. Well, he can think again. He sulked for weeks when I told him my plan for my new business. Even laid a few of his fucks on me. They didn’t make a difference. I held my own, and he finally relented. He’s learning. ‘Jesse,’ I moan, looking for the back-up I need. Jesus, he’ll still be attached to my breast when I’m fifty, and I plan on having surgery way before then. Like as soon as these balloons shrink back down to their usual form, which basically means they’ll be spaniel’s ears again.
‘I’m sorry.’ My wayward husband snorts and gathers himself.
‘Why are you finding this so funny, anyway?’ I grumble, handing John-Boy over to Jesse. ‘I thought you wanted them back for yourself?’
He stands John-Boy on his knees and smiles fondly at the little bugger. ‘But his needs are greater than mine, aren’t they, buddy?’
I’m stunned. Never in a million years did I ever expect those words to fall from my husband’s mouth. ‘You’ve changed,’ I mutter, feeling absolutely slighted as he distracts John-Boy by blowing raspberries on his belly. The shriek of laughter is ear-piercing and heart-swelling all at once, John-Boy’s hands yanking at Jesse’s dirty blond waves. ‘If you’re feeling that blasé about my boobs, you won’t mind if I get them inflated to their former glory.’ I realise I’ve just poked the bear with a huge fucking stick. But still . . . what the hell, with all this casual approach to my assets? Or his assets, more to the point.
Jesse’s playful motions still, his face smothered by John-Boy’s round tummy. I smile to myself, waiting for the thorough dressing-down I’m about to get. Slowly, his face turns towards mine, his green eyes narrow, the cogs of his mind smoking they’re spinning so fast. ‘Take that back right now.’
I pout, all innocent, and shake my head. I’m in the mood for a Retribution Fuck. ‘I’m getting a boob job.’
‘Over my dead body, lady.’
I sigh, rising to my feet. ‘Get a grip, Ward. I’ve had three kids ravish these boobs, on top of you. They’re knackered.’ I turn and wander into the house, Jesse hot on my heels with John-Boy thrown under his arm, laughing. Daddy isn’t laughing, though.
‘Ava!’
‘Mama!’
I get to the fridge and pull out some milk for John-Boy, turning with a coy smile on my face as I shake it up. ‘So whose boobies are they?’
‘Mine,’ Jesse growls, nostrils flaring and all. ‘I only loaned them.’
‘Mine!’ John-Boy sings, making grabby hands for his milk. My grin stretches my face as I hand John-Boy his milk, Jesse’s displeased eyes following me all the way. He shoves it straight in his mouth and pipes down.
‘I believe they are actually mine,’ I declare haughtily, sashaying out of the kitchen, knowing exactly what I’m damn well doing. These boys, I think, heading to answer a knock at the front door.
The whole gang marches into the house. Drew and Raya head straight for the lounge to lay a sleeping Imogen on the couch, while Georgia dances off upstairs to find Maddie. Sam and Kate have a verbal spar on the way to the kitchen over whose turn it is to change Betty’s nappy, and Mum and Dad, followed closely behind by Jesse’s parents, head straight for the kitchen to take the reins.
I follow the troop, meeting Jacob at the entrance to the kitchen. ‘Look at the state of you.’ I sigh, pointing to the grass stains on his knees as he spins his tennis racket in his grasp.
‘Are Uncle Sam and Drew here?’ He shrugs off my fussing hands and pulls a tennis ball from the pocket of his shorts. ‘We’re playing doubles, and me and Dad are gonna win.’
I laugh. ‘Of course you are, darling. Dad always wins.’ I take his shoulders and push him into the kitchen. ‘Come and say hi to everyone before you disappear back into the garden.’
‘Hey, Mum?’ He stops us from progressing to the kitchen, looking up at me. He gives me his sweet little crinkled forehead that’s a replica of his Dad’s. It’s frightening how much our boys look like Jesse. They’re like little doppelgängers. It’s both highly satisfying that they’ve inherited their father’s obscenely handsome looks, and very worrying, too. How many girls will I be fending off over the coming years?
Which reminds me, Jacob has a guest this evening – a girl he’s fond of. Jesse and I agreed to let them each have a friend over for this afternoon’s barbecue in John’s memory. Neither of us expected them to invite friends of the opposite sex. ‘What’s up, sweetheart?’ I know what’s up.
‘When Clarita arrives, don’t embarrass me, will you?’
I feign a shocked face, resting my palm on my chest. ‘Me?’
‘Yes, you. And please keep Dad under control.’
I laugh. ‘You don’t have to worry about your father. His attention will be on Maddie and her guest.’
‘Still, be cool, yeah?’
‘Yes, I’ll be cool,’ I assure him. ‘But just remember.’
‘What?’
I smile down at my boy and kiss his hair. ‘You only need one woman in your life. And who’s that?’
‘My mother.’ He sighs on an expert roll of his eyes, one I know he’s learned from me.
‘Good boy.’ I leave him to say his hellos to the gang, going back to the front door when it knocks.
I open and find Elsie with a huge bunch of flowers held in front of her. Her head pops up over the spray, her pink hair blending with the colourful arrangement. ‘John always bought me big, bright bouquets. He said the more vibrant, the more they reminded him of me.’
I smile, a little sadness washing over me. ‘They’re beautiful.’ I accept them and give her a big hug. ‘You look gorgeous. Thank you for coming.’
‘Don’t get all sappy on me or I’ll cry, and John would not be happy about that.’ She gently but firmly swats me away, lifting her chin high. ‘Where are those gorgeous children?’
I laugh, leading her to the kitchen. ‘Elsie’s here,’ I declare, smiling when everyone rushes to welcome her. I make my way to the fridge, pulling out a jug of Pimm’s.
‘What’s up with moody balls?’ Kate asks, collecting the glasses for me.
Sure enough, Jesse’s forehead is a map of angry lines, his scowl pointed at me. I smile sweetly at him as I pour drinks for me and Kate. ‘I may have dropped the boob bomb.’
‘Oh, that would explain it.’ She chuckles and takes a glug of her drink as Raya joins us with Elsie.
‘Explain what?’ Raya asks, taking an empty and holding it out for me to fill.
‘My man is grumpy about the boob situation.’
Raya whines a little under her breath. ‘Oh God, my breasts look like they’ve been ravaged, and not in the best way.’ She looks down at them, her lip curling in disapproval.
‘Oh, you young girls!’ Elsie chuckles. ‘Grow old gracefully.’
I snort. ‘It’s all right for you with your tight little body.’ I’m still doing yoga with Elsie, though not as often, and I can guarantee I won’t have her figure in my mid-sixties.
‘What’s going on?’ Jesse asks, looking as suspicious as I know he is as he approaches, a quiet John-Boy still gobbling down his milk in his arms.
‘Nothing,’ I sing, taking the jug of Pimm’s and topping up the girls.
‘Hey.’ Kate pulls Sam over. ‘If Ava’s getting her boobs fixed, so am I.’
‘Ava isn’t getting her boobs fixed because they aren’t broken,’ Jesse declares, throwing Kate a deadly glare.
‘The surgeon’s an expert, Jesse,’ I argue, aware that I’m wasting my time. ‘I’ll be in perfectly safe hands.’
‘I’m the only expert on my wife’s boobs around here, and the only safe hands they’ll be in are mine. End of.’
Drew smiles as he pops the cap off his beer. ‘I think John-Boy is more the expert these days, right?’ He chuckles around the top of his bottle as I silently will him to stop with the teasing. It just makes the gorilla worse.
At that moment, John-Boy takes his empty bottle and smacks it over Jesse’s head, as if in agreement. Everyone flinches, but not Jesse. He’s too busy still giving me the death stare.
Elsie, chuckling, takes John-Boy from Jesse’s arms. ‘Come on, children,’ she sings when Maddie and Georgia come dancing into the kitchen. ‘Maddie, you get Betty, and, Georgia, you get Imogen. Let’s go and play.’ Elsie directs all the kids into the garden, and I smile after her. She’ll have them all doing baby yoga in no time.
‘So when do you fly out?’ Raya asks as the men break away and go to congregate around the island.
‘Tomorrow.’ I’m reminded that I still have a ton of things to do before we head for the airport. I haven’t even finished packing.
‘I can’t believe we’re not invited.’ Kate throws me a feigned hurt expression that I find easy to brush off. She understands.
‘It’s just me, Jesse and the kids.’ I can’t be made to feel guilty. It’s our first holiday for over two years. ‘And I can’t wait to have them all to myself.’ I glance over to Jesse as he glances over to me. Fucking hell, he’s so damn beautiful, even when he’s grumpy. My husband. The man who’s given me three beautiful kids. I look at them each day and thank all things holy that I found the enigma that was Jesse Ward. I thank my lucky stars that I walked into that posh sex club of his and had the wind knocked out of me by just the sound of his voice. Of course, then I saw him. And he saw me. At that very moment, when I was standing before him struggling to find breath, and he was looking at me with that heavy frown of his, it was game over. For both of us. Simple as that.
The road was rocky, the secrets dark, his ways challenging. And what’s most cruel is that I had to discover all of his secrets not only once, but twice. But every drop of pain and suffering each time was worth it. He’s not an enigma to me any more. Hasn’t been for a long time. He’s my husband, the most devoted, adoring, gorgeous example of a man any woman could hope to have. Except any other woman can carry on hoping, because this one, this man, he’s mine. I smile the smile only he can draw from me. It’s one filled with love of the perfect kind. Because he’s mine.
I’ll always be with this man.
*
Jesse
‘I love you,’ I mouth as she gazes across the kitchen at me, looking at me in the exact same way she looked at me the first time she set eyes on me. With lust. With awe. She’s looked at me in that way every single day of our lives together. Well, almost every single day. The accident, her temporarily lost memories, was just a blip on the horizon of my happiness. Yet at the time, it felt like the end of my world. I should have known that our love would prevail in the end. And now I really do know that we’re unbreakable.
Smiling that smile that sets my insides alight, she kisses the air towards me before returning her attention back to the girls.
‘So, the boobs?’ Sam asks, tapping the top of my bottle with his, winning my attention.
‘Sam.’ Drew punches his bicep. ‘Why’d you have to do it, ah?’
‘Just asking.’ He grins around the lip of his bottle, his always smiling eyes not letting him down.
‘Just asking for me to nut you?’ I quip, yet somewhere close to serious, and he knows it. ‘There are no boobs beyond what’s already there.’ She can get that stupid idea right out of her head. ‘And what’s there is perfect.’ I clink their bottles. ‘To that motherfucker John.’
‘That motherfucker John.’ They laugh, pulling one from me as I head for the garden, stopping at the back door and looking across the grass. ‘It’s like a fucking crèche,’ I mutter, sounding exasperated at the sight of all the kids, though I’m really not. Elsie has them all lying on their backs, legs in the air.
‘I’m off to smack a few balls over the net with Jacob.’ Drew swipes my boy’s racket from his hand and jogs off to the court with Jacob running after him, shouting for his magic racket back.
‘Suppose I better go and show them how it’s done.’ Sam rolls his eyes like it’s an inconvenience. ‘Coming?’
‘No, I’m waiting for some more guests.’ Just as I say it, the doorbell rings, and I dart back into the house before Ava can beat me to it. I meet her in the hall. She’s ahead of me, but a quick, sneaky grab of her wrist and a yank back puts me in front. She knew I’d be lurking, waiting to pounce.
‘Jesse, don’t you upset Maddie,’ Ava warns, knowing my game.
I slap on my killer smile and flash it at my wife before swinging the door open. But it drops when I find a young girl. Oh. I haven’t a speech planned for Jacob’s friend. Not one that won’t make her cry, anyway.
‘Hello, Mr Ward.’ Clarita dazzles me with a smile full of personality.
‘Hi.’ I open the door wider and let her in. I’m handing this one over to my wife. Smiling at Ava, I nod to Clarita’s back as she approaches. Let’s see how she welcomes this new woman into her darling boy’s life. ‘Over to you,’ I quip.
Her scowl is barely contained. ‘Hi, Clarita. Jacob is on the tennis court. Do you want something to drink before you head out?’
‘I’m fine, thank you. It was very nice of you to invite me.’
Is it me, or is Ava swooning? Yes, she’s definitely swooning. What happened to the lioness? ‘You’re more than welcome, sweetheart. Help yourself today, okay? Drinks, food, you name it.’
‘Why don’t you just ask her if she wants to stay the night, too?’ I grumble under my breath as I shut the door, plodding back to the garden. ‘Dada!’ John-Boy spots me and breaks away from the group, clearly fed up with yoga.
‘Hey!’ I scoop him into my arms and let him pull at my cheeks.
‘Maddie!’ Ava calls from behind. ‘Your guest is here!’
I swing around so fast, John-Boy starts giggling uncontrollably, obviously thinking Daddy’s playing. I’m not. Damn it, why did I leave the front door? Ava’s knowing look tells me she knows I’m mentally kicking myself. I needed a few moments alone with this little twerp my daughter’s apparently crushing on. And as I think that, the little twerp comes into view, standing next to Ava. My eyes pop out of my head. Fuck me, how old is he? Panicked, I look to Ava, searching for some back-up. I get nothing but a shake of her head. What the fuck? He must be knocking on six foot.
As Maddie passes me, she throws me a look to suggest I should keep my mouth the hell shut. She can think again. I watch as she reaches up and kisses his cheek. Good Lord, someone hold me back. ‘She’s nearly fourteen, Jesse,’ Ava says to me quietly when she’s made it over. ‘Don’t be all over the top about it.’
‘She’s thirteen. Why does everyone insist on saying nearly fourteen? That doesn’t make her fourteen, and even if it does, she’s still illegal.’
‘Illegal to date?’ Ava laughs.
‘To do everything,’ I confirm.
‘She’s growing up, Jesse. Get over it. She and I have had the talk. She’s a sensible girl.’
My body starts twitching uncontrollably as I stare at my wife in horror. ‘The talk?’ Please, God, tell me Ava’s not going to say what I think she’s going to say.
‘Of course. We had that conversation at least a year ago.’
John-Boy’s vibrating in my arms now, so much so, Ava must think I’m going to drop him because she takes him from me.
‘You need to calm down,’ she warns.
Fuck that! ‘If you and Maddie have had the talk, it’s only right me and . . . what’s his name?’
‘Lonny.’
‘Lonny?’ I question. ‘What the fucking hell kind of name is that? His parents must be morons, too.’ I sink the rest of my beer, eyeing up the little fucker. ‘How old is he?’
‘Fourteen.’
‘Give me a break.’ I laugh. ‘He must be lying. He’s at least twenty.’
‘Oh, for God’s sake.’ Ava smacks my arm. ‘Stop being dramatic.’
I see Ava in the corner of my eye wandering off across the grass. Dramatic? I don’t think I am. Me and Lonny need to have a chat.
My shoulders back, I wander over to Maddie and Lonny, seeing with perfect clarity the warning in my baby girl’s eyes. And also the worry, because she knows I’m not interested in heeding her warning. ‘Hi.’ My voice is low and rough, just as I intended. Manly.
Lonny smiles at me. ‘Mr Ward, nice to meet you.’
I recoil. I can’t help it. Has he got a vice on his balls? His squeaky voice doesn’t match his height. Maybe the shit really is fourteen. I look down at his offered hand, my eyebrows rising. Let’s see if his handshake is any manlier. I clasp it hard, immediately disappointed when he flinches in pain. I smile on the inside. ‘Let’s take a walk, Lonny.’
‘No, Dad.’ Maddie dives in front of me, like her little girlie figure might stop me. A fucking bulldozer wouldn’t stop me.
‘I just want to chat with him,’ I appease her, knowing I’m wasting my time. ‘You want to chat, don’t you, Lonny?’
‘Y-yes, sir.’ He looks afraid. He should. Be very afraid, Lonny.
‘See?’ I sweep my arm out in a gesture for him to lead on, blinding him with the smile I usually only reserve for my babies. It falls the moment Ava shoves John-Boy in my arms. Oh, she’s cunning. I can’t very well trample when I’m holding the baby. John-Boy doesn’t help my cause of trying to appear threatening when he grabs my stubbly cheeks and squeezes them. Lonny laughs. I do not.
‘Let’s walk,’ I tell him, nodding down the path to the swing bench, the most secluded place in the garden.
Stuffing his hands in the pockets of his jeans, he walks on and I follow, eyeballing him the entire way. ‘You have a lovely home, Jesse.’ He smiles at me, and I raise my brows. ‘Mr Ward,’ he corrects himself, very wisely. The little suck-up. So, it’s compliments all the way, is it? My eyes narrow on him as we stroll, and he quickly darts his gaze to his feet, taking one hand to his hair and running it through nervously. I won’t ever admit it out loud, but he’s a good-looking little fucker. I can see why my girl is crushing on him.
‘Tell me about your grades.’ He might carry the looks and, apparently, the charm, but it’s all a waste if the kid’s an underachiever. My girl is bright. She needs someone to equal that.
‘My grades?’ he asks, a little hesitantly, and I nod. Though my prompt doesn’t push him to go on, his cheeks filling with a bit of colour. It’s as I thought. He’s a reject. ‘I’m top of some of my classes, Mr Ward.’
Oh. Do I have a compulsive liar on my hands? ‘What classes?’
He smiles, awkward. ‘All of them.’
Oh.
‘My favourite is maths, though. And science. I’d like to be a doctor someday.’ He sighs. ‘But the university fees are steep.’ He blows out his cheeks, and I conclude on the spot that his parents must be a little hard up. ‘Who knows, I might win the scholarship I’m hoping for. It’d be really cool if I won that place at Oxford.’
Oxford? The boy dreams big, and as I watch him, scuffing his feet as he ambles on beside me, I can’t help but think of my brother. He was ambitious, too, full of dreams and determination to make them happen. I flinch a little with the unexpected thought. ‘Here, sit,’ I tell him, pointing to the cushion on the bench as I settle and sit John-Boy on my lap. I don’t need to rock the swing. Lonny’s long legs take care of that for me.
‘How’d you meet Maddie?’ I ask, probably too shortly.
‘Me and Jacob are mates.’
Oh, I see. Worming his way into the affections of his mate’s sister. The conniving shit. ‘Your mum’s told you it’s illegal to kiss until you’re thirty, right?’
He glances up at me, alarmed. ‘It is?’
‘Oh, yeah, it is.’ The poor kid looks terrified. Good. I put John-Boy on his feet on my knees when he starts getting restless and yelling at Lonny. ‘And your dad’s told you about the birds and the bees, right?’ I’m completely unprepared for the wash of sadness that passes over his face, his eyes dropping to his swinging feet. Shit, what did I say?
‘I don’t have a dad, sir.’
‘Of course you do.’ I laugh. ‘Everyone has a dad.’
‘Mine walked out on my mum when I was eighteen months old. Haven’t seen him since.’ He shrugs, like it’s no biggie, and I die on the inside. Really die. I’m a twat. ‘I looked him up last year, but he wasn’t interested. So it’s just me and Mum.’
I want to punch myself in my stupid face, and I’m pretty sure Ava would if she knew I’d just put my big foot in it. I cast my eyes to John-Boy, who’s dancing on my lap, talking a load of gibberish as he claps his hands and yells at Lonny. Eighteen months. John-Boy’s age. Unexpected anger rises from my toes and burns my insides. He walked out on his boy? So who’s guided him his whole life? Who took him to football training and to his first match? ‘You don’t need a man like that in your life,’ I tell him, overwhelmed by the respect I have for this kid now. ‘You’re doing fine without him, anyway.’ The kid has Oxford in his dreams, and something deep, and oddly proud, tells me he’ll make it there, too.
‘Dream big, fight hard.’ Lonny says it quietly, his gaze staring off into the distance, as I stare at him, astounded by his attitude. ‘Make things happen.’ He looks at me and smiles. ‘You have to go for what you want and take it.’
‘I couldn’t agree more,’ I murmur, wondering if his philosophy applies to my daughter, too. I wonder where my fight is, my desire to scare this kid off. It’s gone.
‘He’s so cute.’ Lonny takes John-Boy’s hand and lets him yank and pull at it while both of them laugh.
‘Of course he is. He’s mine.’ I flip Lonny a wink when he glances at me. I’m done interrogating the boy. ‘You go and find Maddie.’
‘Actually, I wouldn’t mind having a game of tennis with Jacob.’ He frowns, looking back towards the house, where, no doubt, Maddie is in her mum’s earhole nagging about my trampling ways. She needn’t worry. This kid has trampled me, it seems. Looking back at me, Lonny’s lips straighten. ‘But I don’t think Maddie will be very pleased.’
I laugh and stand, setting John-Boy on his feet so he can walk back, jerking my head for Lonny to follow. ‘Let me give you some advice about the women in my life, most importantly Maddie.’ His face is pleading for that advice as we wander back up the path slowly, John-Boy stomping along beside me, my shoulder dropped a little so my hand reaches his without stretching his little muscles. ‘My daughter is stubborn.’
Lonny blows out his cheeks, nodding. ‘Tell me about it.’
‘Don’t back down. She’s just like her mother. Defiant and difficult for the sake of it. She’ll have you running in circles if you let her.’ Something tells me Lonny is already dizzy. ‘Be firm. Stand your ground.’ I give him a light slap on his shoulder, nodding my affirmation.
‘Yes, sir!’ He beams brightly as he heads off to the tennis courts to find his mate. ‘Thanks, Mr Ward.’
I smile and dip to tie the laces on John-Boy’s little Converses. ‘Lonny,’ I call, and he stops, looking back.
‘Yes, Mr Ward?’
‘You can call me Jesse.’
Another beam, but this time no words. He jogs off and disappears around the corner, and John-Boy and I continue back to the house. The moment Maddie sees us, she flies over, her dark eyes frantically searching for Lonny. ‘Where is he? Oh my God, did you kill him and bury him under the shed? Mum!’
‘Calm your knickers, little lady.’ I continue past, her wide eyes following. ‘He’s on the tennis court with your brother.’
‘He is?’
I see it in her already. Indignation. She looks just like her mother as she huffs and goes marching off. I laugh, mentally cheering Lonny on in my head. She’s going to get a nasty surprise. ‘Hey, Maddie.’
She swings around, her eyes flaming. ‘What?’
‘He’s a good kid. Don’t be a little cow, or he might dump your stroppy arse.’
Her jaw drops open, her face outraged, and I smile, getting on my way with John-Boy.
‘Who are you and what have you done with my dad?’ she calls at my back.
I don’t answer, smiling at Ava when she approaches with curiosity rife on her face. I shake my head and swing my arm around her neck. ‘I can’t wait until tomorrow,’ I tell her, pulling her in and kissing her temple.
‘Me neither.’ Her hands disappear under my T-shirt and glide over my skin, coming to rest over my heart. It’s going crazy, thumping happily.
Now it beats for four people.
*
The next day . . .
The familiar smell of the sea air fills my nose as I stand on the seashore in my shorts, the Mediterranean a never-ending blanket of sparkling water under the blazing sun. It’s John-Boy’s first time in Paradise, and he’s mesmerised by the sand under his little bare feet, his toes constantly clawing. ‘Look, Dada!’ he says, over and over, doing little dramatic gasps as he points to the gigantic expanse of blue water before him and the white sand he’s standing on. ‘Gosh,’ he breathes, bewitched by the sea. ‘Gosh, Dada.’
My fucking heart swells to epic proportions as I hold his hand and Jacob holds his other, our feet getting precariously close to the water. Maddie is dancing in the shallow depths. ‘Look, John-Boy!’ She kicks the water and he chuckles, the sound adorable. ‘You coming to play in the water?’ She drops to her knees and holds out her hands.
‘No, Addie.’ He shakes his little head and turns into Jacob, raising his arms for his brother to pick him up. I lower my arse to the sand as Jacob lifts him and sets him on his hip, though John-Boy’s eyes don’t unstick themselves from the water. ‘Oh gosh,’ he gasps again, pointing out past Maddie. ‘A oat!’
‘Yes, a boat!’ I sing, clapping my hands at him, making him jig excitedly in Jacob’s arms.
‘Oh, here’s Mum.’ Maddie jumps up and frantically brushes the wet sand from her body. ‘Quick, Dad!’ Her hands flap at me, hurrying me to my feet.
‘You ready, guys?’ I ask, pulling my Wayfarers off and getting my first glimpse of her. ‘Fuck me,’ I breathe quietly as she comes down the steps from the villa, her white layered lace bikini perfect against her olive skin, her hair plaited over her shoulder. And she has a calla lily in her hand, just a single calla lily. I smile and reach into my pocket as she approaches. ‘Mrs Ward, you look out of this world.’
‘You too.’ She holds her wrist out, eyebrows high, and I grin, dragging the cuffs from my pocket. ‘Shackle me, Ward.’
I do as I’m bid, snapping one over her wrist before securing it to me. I don’t know how she knew I’d have them. Then again, this woman has always read me like a book. Leaning in, I push my lips to hers. The kids don’t say a word. Even John-Boy is silent, probably staring out at the water rather than at Mummy and Daddy handcuffing themselves to each other. ‘Ready?’ I ask her.
‘Always,’ she replies, turning us towards the kids. I laugh under my breath when I find Jacob standing tall in his trunks, a book in his hands.
‘What’s that?’ I ask, bemused.
‘A Bible. I have to look like I know what I’m doing. This is important.’ He clears his throat and looks down at the pages, drawing breath to speak. ‘It’s—’
‘Wait!’ Maddie yells, chasing after John-Boy when he decides that now he’d like to try the water. ‘John-Boy, no.’ She lifts him into her arms and returns to her spot. ‘Sorry. You may resume.’
I look at Ava, frowning, and she laughs. ‘Go on,’ I prompt, sliding my hand into my wife’s.
‘Do you, Jesse Ward, take Ava Ward to be your wedded wife?’ Jacob asks, a certain posh edge to his voice. ‘To have and to hold from this day forward. To love, honour—’
‘I thought we weren’t doing the official thing?’ Maddie interrupts, scowling at Jacob.
He leans into her, full of annoyance. ‘You’re ruining their special day.’
‘Seriously? They’ve had, like, two already. Who gets married three times?’ She rolls her eyes and starts bouncing John-Boy when he starts yelling impatiently, reaching for his new favourite friend, the Med.
‘Me and your mum do,’ I snap, giving her a face that dares her to argue. ‘You gonna argue with me? And before you answer, think carefully about who will be paying for your wedding when you find the one.’
She snaps her mouth shut, startled, and probably pleasantly surprised, and Ava cocks an interested eyebrow. ‘Get on with it, Jacob,’ I tell him, before anyone has the chance to ask where The Jesse Ward has disappeared to. Turning to Ava, I breathe in the salty air and wink.
‘Dad, do you take Mum to be your wife?’ Jacob spurts out the words tiredly.
‘I do.’
‘Mum, do you take Dad to be your husband?’
‘I do.’ She grins at me, yanking my hand when my eyes drift down to her boobs straining against the white material of her bikini. ‘Eyes up here, Ward.’
‘Sorry.’ I flash her my roguish grin, returning her gesture and yanking her hand when her gaze takes a casual jaunt down my prime chest. ‘Hey.’
‘Not sorry.’ She chuckles, diving at me, her thighs trapping me in their grasp, her free arm around my neck. And her gorgeous lips on mine. ‘Don’t ever tell me I can’t admire what’s mine.’ Biting my lip, she pulls back, just a fraction, so her forehead rests on mine. ‘I love you, Jesse Ward.’
‘Of course you do.’ Resealing our lips, I turn and run into the water with her attached to my front.
‘I now pronounce you man and wife!’ Jacob yells at us, his declaration only just heard over our laughs and the splashing water. ‘Hey, wait for me!’
As soon at the water is up to my waist, I take us under, rolling us around, our bodies and limbs twisting, the moment reminiscent. Except this time we’re not just us. We’re not just Jesse and Ava. We’re not just man and wife.
We’re Mum and Dad.
Only when I’m unable to hold my breath any longer do I push us to the surface, gasping for air when I get there. Ava soon reattaches herself to my front, breathing heavily in my face as she blinks her eyes open. ‘Fuck, it’s cold.’ She shudders in my arms as Jacob splashes his way to us.
‘Watch your mouth,’ I warn, landing her with a kiss before pulling the cuff off my wrist and pushing her away from me. I’m attacked from behind by Jacob crawling up my back until he’s standing on my shoulders. ‘Off you go, boy.’ I take his ankles and launch him into the air, just in time for Maddie to tackle me. ‘Amateurs,’ I mutter, taking her under the arms and throwing her away. She screams, I laugh, looking to the shore to see John-Boy standing just out of reach of the rolling shoreline.
‘Dada!’ he yells to me, quite put out that he’s missing all the fun. ‘Dada, gosh!’
I wipe my hair from my face as I trudge through the water. ‘Touch the sea,’ I tell him, laughing when his little head starts to shake furiously, knocking his blond curls about. ‘Dada come get you?’ I ask.
‘Dada!’ he yells, starting to pad the sand with his feet, making grabby hands for me.
I make it to him and lift him into my arms, his little padded nappy trunks dry as a bone. ‘You always swim in the swimming pool at home,’ I say, kissing his hair as I walk back into the water, the others up ahead dunking and splashing each other. ‘Hey, calm down, guys.’
They all stop with the larking around and start encouraging John-Boy in, clapping and singing excitedly as he starts to jerk in my arms. The moment his toe touches the water, he gasps, and I decide it’s now or never. So I quickly sink us in up to our necks.
‘Oooh, cold, Dada!’ He moves to my front, clinging onto my neck as he looks back to the others, clearly desperate to join them. I swim over as Jacob climbs onto Ava’s back, and as soon as I’m close enough, Maddie is on mine, cooing over my shoulder to John-Boy, who has adopted a chimp-style hold uncannily similar to his mother’s. With Maddie lying on my back, and John-Boy plastered to my front, I swim towards Ava until our baby is squished between her chest and mine, the twins dangling from our backs. The happiness radiating from my wife’s eyes is fierce, and I know mine is reflecting right back at her. This moment, this precious moment, is what any man should live for.
And I do. I live for them. My heart beats to keep me alive for them.
‘Kiss me,’ I say to Ava over John-Boy’s head, reaching forward with my spare hand and slipping it onto her nape, holding his little body to my chest with my other. ‘And close your eyes.’
Smiling, her eyes flutter closed with mine, and our lips meet. I taste nothing but love in her kiss. I hear nothing but love in the sound of the twins’ laughter. I feel nothing but love in John-Boy’s baby skin pressed against my chest. And I smell nothing but love in Paradise.
The only sense I don’t have in this perfect moment is my vision. To see my beautiful family surrounding me.
I don’t need it. I feel them. With every fibre of my being, I feel them.
Their presence, their faces, their love, is all carved deeply into my soul. It makes me who I am.
My wife. My children. Their love.
It’s pure bliss, ladies. Total gratification. Absolute, complete, Earth-shifting, universe-shaking love.
Don’t tell me there’s anything more perfect than this.
I wouldn’t believe you.
End of.