Sirens. Lights. Shouts. The chaos in the middle of the pretty countryside is ugly. Voices are speaking to me but I’m hearing no words. Regret and guilt leave no room for anything else.
‘How was she granted release?’ I ask the police officer who’s been trying to speak to me as a paramedic inspects the hole in my arm. ‘All this is because some clever prick was hoodwinked by a crazy woman.’ I shrug my arm, knocking the paramedic’s hands away.
‘Mr Ward, I know nothing of the circumstances surrounding your ex-wife’s release from hospital.’
‘Hospital?’ I stare at him in disbelief. ‘No, a hospital is where you go when you’re ill or injured. Not when you are a fucking psychopathic, merciless woman with a fucked-up vendetta.’ I feel hands on my arm again. ‘Get the fuck off me!’ I bellow, making her back away vigilantly.
‘Mr Ward, please, calm down.’
‘Calm down?’ I wouldn’t be able to find calm if it dropped at my feet. Anger is consuming me. I feel dangerous. ‘My wife and kids were threatened. I had a gun pointed at me for over an hour.’ I throw my arm out towards the barn. ‘My best fucking mate has just been murdered!’ I stagger back with the force of my roar, feeling all control escaping me. ‘You better leave me alone,’ I warn. ‘Just leave me the fuck alone until you can give me answers.’
I back away to the wall of the barn and slump against the wood, lowering my arse to the dusty gravel before it can fall there. I sit, fighting to rein myself in. If Lauren weren’t dead already, I would kill her with my bare hands. It wouldn’t be quick. It would be long and agonising. I should have acted earlier. I should have listened to my gut and intervened before John got there.
I look up when I hear someone shout for space, and see a body bag being stretchered out of the barn. The size, the way the two women at each end of the stretcher move it with ease, tells me it’s Lauren in that bag. Then another follows, this one negotiated by two men. My bottom lip quivers, my face falling into my palms. I can’t watch. It’s too final.
‘Jesse!’
I look up and find Ava scrambling out of a car, her face frantic. I choke on nothing, bringing my balled fists to my temples and pushing into my skull. I want to go to her, shorten the time it’ll take for her to make it to me, but my body refuses to function. So I remain on my arse, watching as she runs full pelt across the gravel towards me. I see her catch sight of the body bags. I see the falter in her stride. And when she finally makes it to me, she stops at my feet, looking down at my broken form. I’m struggling to keep my head up, but now she’s this close, now I can see her, every perfect detail on her face, my body finds some life and manages to push its way up until I’m standing. She’s biting her lip, her eyes brimming. I have nothing for her, only the agonising news. ‘She fucking killed John.’
Her inhale is sharp, the tears instant. ‘No,’ she whispers, looking back to the stretcher. ‘I tried to stop him.’ Her voice is breaking. ‘Oh my God, Jesse.’ She chokes over her words. ‘I’m so sorry.’ Her palms come up to her face, like she’s hiding, ashamed of herself.
I snatch them away. ‘Don’t you fucking apologise,’ I warn, at risk of flying off the handle again. ‘Don’t you dare, Ava.’
‘The app. The trackers on the cars. I realised what you were trying to tell me, and then John showed up and I told him. He took my phone. I couldn’t stop him. I called the police from the house.’ The impact of her body hitting mine when she throws herself into my arms nearly takes me off my feet. ‘I’m so sorry.’ She sobs, and I shake my head into her, holding her as tight as my aching shoulder will allow. ‘I thought I’d never see you again. I thought it was the end of the road.’
I hold her tighter. Fuck the pain. It’s nothing compared to the agony in my heart. ‘Our road never ends, baby.’ I close my eyes and sink my face into her soft neck, searching for the comfort I know I can find. ‘Never.’
‘I remembered.’ Her sobs are loud between her words. She’s not bothering to try to restrain her emotions. I’m glad, because I’m fucked if I can. My tears are unstoppable, soaking my cheeks and her neck. ‘I remembered everything.’
‘I know.’ I’m soul-destroyed that her avalanche of memories was triggered by such a bleak, distressing moment in our history. Absolutely destroyed. There are a million wonderful and pinnacle moments in our lives together. Why did it have to be Lauren? ‘I’m just so sorry it happened like that.’
She pulls out of my hold, shaking her head mildly. ‘It wasn’t her that triggered it all.’ Reaching for my face, she tenderly feels down my wet cheek. ‘It was the pure terror in your eyes. I’d seen it before.’
I choke on my emotions, dropping my gaze until she forces my chin up. ‘John’s gone,’ I choke. I can barely see her through my blurry vision.
Lip wobbling, she collects me in her arms and hugs me with the force and love that I so need. ‘He would never have let anything hurt you,’ she says, her voice thick. ‘The man was a fucking warrior, and a stubborn one, too.’ I can’t even bring myself to pull her up on her bad language. ‘He’s gone because he knows how much I need you. How much the kids need you.’ She takes my hand and lays it over her tummy. I’m not sure who’s leaking the most tears now, her or me. I furiously wipe at my face, sniffing back my sadness. ‘He’s my hero, too.’ She takes the top of my arm and rubs, frowning when I suck in air. ‘What’s this?’
‘A graze.’ I brush her off, not wanting to worry her. Not that she takes much notice. The short, bloody sleeve of my T-shirt is thrust up, revealing a tidy hole in my arm.
‘Oh my God!’
‘It’s fine.’ Once again I fight her off and once again she wins, slapping me away. ‘Ava, for fuck’s sake, it’s fine. Stop flapping.’
‘Have you had it looked at?’
‘I’m in no mood to be poked and pulled about.’
She snorts, pointing to the paramedic hovering nearby. ‘Now, Ward, or so help me.’ Her expression is fierce as she scrubs at her wet face, and I shrink where I stand, thinking better of arguing back. I don’t speak, and I also don’t move, so Ava seizes my hand and all but manhandles me to the ambulance. ‘Don’t make me hurt you, Ward.’
Wide-eyed, I let her shove me onto the back of the ambulance and onto a waiting bed. She’s taking no prisoners. And through my crippling hurt, anger and guilt, I manage to locate some gratitude.
My wife is back. All of her is back, and it’s back with a fucking bang.