Ava
When Jesse insisted on taking me to yoga today, I didn’t argue. I could tell he was stunned. But I have a motive. Taking the keys from his hand, I open the car. ‘I’ll drive.’
He snorts, obviously finding my declaration amusing. ‘Absolutely not.’ Reclaiming the keys, he directs me around to the passenger seat.
‘Why not?’ My resistance doesn’t even dent his fortitude.
‘You’re never getting behind a wheel again.’
Ever? Not ever again? ‘What? Why?’
‘Because you don’t need to.’ He jingles the keys under my nose as he pushes me down into the seat and then buckles me up. ‘And I’m looking into getting you a driver.’ He plants a chaste kiss on my cheek and quickly shuts the door before I can protest. And when he lands in the driver’s seat, he keeps his attention forward, ignoring the glare I’m shooting at him. There will be no argument over this. I will be driving again.
Flicking some music on, an obvious ploy to kill the silence, he races off down the street with ‘Sweater Weather’ blaring, tapping the wheel in time to the music.
Until there is no music. He peeks out the corner of his eye as I turn in my seat, my face twisted with disdain. ‘Are you telling me you’re never going to let me drive again?’
‘Yep.’ He flicks the music back on, and I quickly turn it back off. Is he mad?
‘No way, Jesse. You can’t stop me.’
He half coughs, half laughs. ‘Watch me.’ He presses a button on the steering wheel and fills the car with The Neighbourhood again.
‘Watch me,’ I counter over the music, throwing myself back in the seat. ‘If you won’t let me drive anywhere, then I’ll make my own way around, starting today. I’ll get the Tube home. You’re being unreasonable. It was an accident. A one-in-a-million chance. You’re being stupid.’
‘Stupid?’ he coughs. ‘Well, that one-in-a-million chance was my wife, so forgive me if my protective instinct has taken on new heights.’ He slams the button on his steering wheel and shuts the music off, then pulls the car over to the side of the road, prickling from top to toe. So unreasonable. He reaches for my slighted face and turns it towards him. My eyes are thin slits of pissed off. His are narrower.
‘Listen to me, lady,’ he orders, nostrils flaring and all. ‘It is my job to protect you. There’s nothing irrational about wanting to keep you safe, Ava.’ His voice has softened to a mere whisper, his eyes clouding, and I know it’s because he’s thinking about what could have been. ‘Every fear I’ve ever had nearly became a reality. I nearly lost you. So don’t you tell me that I’m being unreasonable or irrational or stupid, do you hear me? You have to let me do my thing or I’ll go crazy mad.’
‘And I’ll go crazy mad if you suffocate me. I need some space, Jesse. If you want me to fall in love with you again, you need to let me do that without stifling me.’ I hate the hurt in his green eyes. Hate it.
His handsome face is splashed with agony, and he swallows, anger mixed up in his expression, too. ‘You can get the Tube.’
I can get the Tube? Like I need permission? Fucking hell, he really is crazy mad. But I still nod, despite being staggered on the inside. ‘Good.’ I sit back and stare out the window as Jesse gets us going again. And I wonder . . .
How did I fall in love with such craziness?
I don’t know. But it’s happening again, and I couldn’t stop it if I tried.
*
The usual peace blankets me when I arrive at Elsie’s. Zara is already waiting in the studio, sitting on her mat. She looks like a pro, all geared up in what I expect is designer yoga gear. ‘I’m feeling a bit frumpy,’ I say, rolling out my mat next to her.
She laughs, soft and low. ‘You look anything but frumpy, Ava.’ She rolls her eyes. ‘I was just passing through the shopping mall and they had a huge sale. Oh!’ She jumps up and scrounges through her bag. ‘I got you one, too.’ She flaps out a black top. ‘You look about the same size as me.’
‘Zara, you shouldn’t have,’ I say, taking the shirt from her hand and kissing her cheek.
‘Give over,’ she brushes it off. ‘It was a fiver in the bargain bin.’
‘I love it.’ Something comes to me. ‘Hey, we should go shopping sometime.’ I will pick my own clothes. My recent shopping adventure might have turned out wonderfully, but that was only because my brain decided to let me remember something. I realise it could have been very different.
Her eyes sparkle. ‘Oh my God, yes.’
‘Come on, chatterboxes.’ Elsie floats across the room, giving us a playful, disapproving look. ‘It doesn’t sound very peaceful in here today.’
I give Zara an oopsie look, and we both settle on our mats and close our eyes.
Peace. It’s quickly found again, and I let it roll over me.
Towards the end of the session, I’m flat on my back, sprawled out, my body weightless. I’m completely zoned out, so calm, so when images start to flicker through my mind, I don’t jerk with shock or panic. Instead, I remain still, absorbing the distorted, blurry visions as if I’m watching them from an old-fashioned projector. Visions of Jesse, and for the first time, of Maddie and Jacob. I feel my eyes squeezing, trying to hold on to the picture of them lying on Jesse’s chest, tiny little bundles, their daddy’s face buried between their heads. I feel a tear trickle down the side of my face, swishing around in my ear. And then the images are gone. But they’re not gone. They will never be gone.
‘Ava?’ A gentle touch rests on my shoulder, and I blink my eyes open, finding Zara suspended above me.
It takes me a while to grasp my bearings, and I see Elsie leaving the room. ‘I think I fell asleep.’ My voice is thick, and I’m unsure if it’s with emotion or sleepiness.
Zara smiles, her friendly face so happy. ‘You’re right. Elsie is amazing!’ She rises to her feet, pouting, now looking disappointed. ‘I was hoping we could do coffee, but I just picked up an e-mail from work. Some silly problem with a project I have to get sorted.’
‘That’s fine. I can’t do coffee today, anyway.’ I can’t? Why can’t I? I can, and I should, though today I’ll be doing it on my own. I can go for a coffee on my own, no problem. I should do something on my own.
‘No?’
‘My husband . . .’ I stop myself from saying something that would give entirely the wrong impression. ‘We’ve had a rough time lately. He’s a bit protective. He worries about me.’ I shrug.
‘Oh no.’ She pouts. ‘I’ll call you. We’ll make those plans, and you can tell me all about it.’
I smile, though I’m not too enthusiastic about her suggestion. The thing I love most about coffee with Zara is the fact that I don’t have to talk about my woes, because she doesn’t know of them. ‘That would be good.’
‘Thanks so much for letting me hijack your session, Ava. It means so much.’ She kisses my cheek and breezes away, leaving me in the room alone. Maybe it’s silly, but I close my eyes again, hoping the memories will come back to me. But after a good five minutes, I give up, telling myself to be happy with what I got.
I leave Elsie with a grateful kiss and head outside, set to go and process the session on my own with a coffee, but when I make it into the fresh air, I find Jesse waiting.
He’s pouting at me from where he’s standing by the car, his puppy-dog eyes pleading with me not to be mad at him. I stop in my tracks and cock my head, pursing my lips in fake disapproval.
‘I love you.’ He gives me a stupid goofy grin, like those three simple words are the answer for everything. Truth be told, they are.
I can’t possibly be mad with the big softy. I’m too elated by the effect the past hour with Elsie has had and the fact that something came to me. So instead of ripping a strip off him, I step into his big body and hug him fiercely. I can tell he’s shocked at my easy acquiescence because it takes him a couple of seconds to return my cuddle. ‘Where the hell is my wife?’
I smile and pull back, beaming up at him. ‘I saw you.’ I have to stop myself from springing around the street like a jack-in-the-box. ‘I was so spaced out, and I saw you in my mind. It was so clear. I saw you holding the twins when they were born.’
‘Really?’ His face is ablaze with happiness as he picks me up and swings me around in the middle of the street. I laugh, not feeling in the least bit dizzy. Because my eyes are on his.