‘This is the stupidest idea you’ve ever had, Jesse, and you’ve had some pretty stupid ideas in your time.’ Elizabeth slams her empty coffee cup down on the table, enraged by my suggestion.
I don’t flinch, maybe because I’m numb. But my stupid idea is the best chance of getting Ava better.
It’s been three days since she woke up. Three days of tears, frustration and hopelessness. For both of us.
I’ve sat in that room studying her, watching her mind spin, her eyes squint, her breaths turn shallow as she fights to regain her lost memories. She’s seen a therapist who wants to continue the sessions once she leaves the hospital. Ava sounded noncommittal when she murmured her agreement and scheduled another appointment. I don’t blame her. That hour was a stress-fest for both of us, each question posed by the therapist resulting in tears from Ava and further agony for me.
She can’t remember anything about us.
The doctor says she’s ready to go home, but she’s going home with a man she’s basically known for three days and a couple of kids who are strangers to her. The pain that thought causes in my chest is excruciating, but that’s how it is. I’m being brutally honest with myself and with Elizabeth.
Ava doesn’t know us. It’s my cold, hard reality.
‘I don’t want the kids to feel how I’m feeling, Elizabeth. I don’t want them to see their mother looking at them like they’re strangers, because it’s fucking agony.’
‘But the doctor said she needs her family around her to help her remember.’
I slam my fist on the table, my frustration getting the better of me. I only feel mildly guilty when Ava’s mother jumps out of her chair. ‘She thinks she’s twenty-two, for fuck’s sake. She’s still single in her head, just starting out in her career. Everything after that is gone, and I will move fucking mountains to make sure she finds me and the twins amid that chaos in her poor head.’
I take a breath and sit back, leaving silence between us. It’s a novelty to see my mother-in-law rendered speechless. ‘I’m asking you to take the children on holiday for me. Keep their minds busy. Let them be kids. I promise you, Elizabeth, I swear, I just know if I can spike memories of me and Ava, how we met, how we fell in love, the rest will follow naturally. You have to trust me. I’ve talked to the school. They’re understanding and supportive, given the circumstances.’
‘How long do you want?’
I shrug. ‘A week. Maybe two. I don’t know.’ Maybe all the time in the world won’t be enough. Maybe the memories are gone for ever. I inwardly flinch. No. I have to be positive. And there’s no way on earth I’ll survive very long without the kids around. ‘We’ll stay in touch every day. Please, Elizabeth. I need this time.’
Elizabeth’s lips purse tightly. I realise she has difficulty letting someone else take charge of her daughter, she always has, but she needs to work with me this time. ‘And what are you planning to say to the children, because they think their mother is going home to them this evening?’
She will not make me question myself. I know what is best for my family. ‘I’ll talk to them. They’ll understand.’
‘You hope they’ll understand, Jesse. Their worlds have been turned upside down, too. They need their father, as much as their mother.’
I brush my hands over the overgrown stubble on my jaw, so fucking exhausted. Hasn’t life thrown enough challenges my way? ‘And I’m going to get them both back,’ I vow. Because right now, Ava and I aren’t ourselves.
Placing her handbag on her lap, Elizabeth studies me across the table, probably wondering where I might find the strength from, because I sure as shit look as beaten as I feel. ‘You look terrible.’
Her insult is an acceptance without actually saying the words, and typical of my mother-in-law.
‘Yeah, well, it’s been a rough few days.’ I sigh, looking across the café. I spot Kate’s red hair as she scans the space for a few seconds before she sees me and gives the same sympathetic smile she’s given me every time I’ve seen her since Ava was admitted.
‘Hey,’ she says when she arrives at our table. ‘Any news?’
‘What, like if my wife knows who I am yet?’ I ask, getting up from my chair. Neither of them answers my sarcastic question, both remaining silent and awkward. ‘I’m going to pick up the kids. Talk to them.’
‘Where are they?’ Elizabeth asks.
‘With my mum and dad.’ I give Elizabeth a kiss on the cheek, squeezing her arm in a sign of my thanks. I know she appreciates my gratitude when she squeezes mine in return. ‘I’ll call you.’
‘Okay.’ She breaks away and heads towards Ava’s room.
‘I’ll give her some time with Ava before I head down.’ Kate links arms with me. ‘Come on, I’ll walk you to your car.’
I let Kate’s pregnant belly lead the way to the car park, trying to psych myself up for what lies ahead. It’s a waste. Nothing can prepare me.
‘Jesse, you should know there was a report in the local newspaper yesterday about the accident. They mentioned Ava, you, even the damn health club. And her memory loss.’ She shrugs when I throw her a questioning look. ‘They’re asking for witnesses.’
I sigh. ‘The police already told me she didn’t have her seat belt on.’ I’m still so furious with her but unable to unleash it. ‘Apparently she was reaching into her bag for her phone.’ I swallow, batting back my anger. ‘She has Bluetooth. I don’t know why she’d need her phone.’
‘A text. An e-mail.’
I nod, though no excuse could make her recklessness okay. ‘Elizabeth and Joseph are taking the kids to the coast for a while,’ I tell Kate, feeling her look up at me in surprise. ‘This is too much for Ava, Kate,’ I start to explain, hoping she gets where I’m coming from. ‘I can see how overwhelmed she is. Me, the kids, sixteen years of missing memories. You’re one of the only people in her life that she actually knows right now.’
‘So what are you going to do?’ Kate brings us to a stop and turns towards me. The huge Hospital sign past her on the side of the colossal building is glowing, despite it still being daylight. An important beacon. I’m sick of the sight of it. Unreasonably, I want to rip it from the bricks and set it alight.
‘She might not ever get her memories back, Kate.’ I shrug and brace myself for what I’m about to say, daunted. ‘I’m a stranger to her. Just a man. So I have to go back to the beginning and try to make her fall in love with me again.’
Kate places her hand on my arm. ‘You did it before. You can do it again.’
I laugh a little under my breath, looking past Ava’s best friend. ‘I thank my lucky stars every day of my life that I found her, Kate. That for all my faults, she loved me.’ I smile a strained smile, one that’s full of the sadness I feel. ‘It’s a crazy miracle that she accepted me in the first place. I feel like she was my one-in-a-million chance. What if my chance has gone? What if I can’t make her see?’ I reach up to my chest and push my fist into my pec, trying to stem the building pain. ‘It would be the end of me.’
‘Where’s the Jesse Ward we all know and love?’ Kate asks seriously, punching me lightly on the bicep.
‘Love?’ I ask on a slight hitch of an amused eyebrow.
‘Yes, love,’ she retorts adamantly, following up her previous light punch with a not so light one. ‘Defeated doesn’t suit you, Jesse. Ava didn’t marry a quitter. In fact, I think you’ll find she married you because you didn’t quit. A man who doesn’t give a shit what people think. A man who tramples anything in his sight to get what he wants. Do you want her back?’
I look at her, stunned. ‘What?’
‘Your wife. Do you want her back?’
‘Stupid fucking question,’ I mutter. ‘And ease off with the punching, will you?’
She ignores my scorn and points a finger in my face, forcing me to retreat or have it sinking into my eye socket. Kate’s one of those people in this world who you can’t help but respect, even if you don’t always agree with her. And now she’s pregnant, so I would be wise not to argue. ‘Then do what you do best and fight for her.’ Pulling her bag onto her shoulder, she battles to control her wobbling lip. ‘My best friend didn’t marry a fucking pussy.’
My eyes bug, and then I laugh a little. Call me what you like, but don’t ever call me a fucking pussy. ‘Watch your fucking mouth,’ I mutter, loud but sheepishly, attracting the attention of many people in the vicinity, not that I’m much bothered by it.
Kate marches past me. Or as well as a heavily pregnant woman can march, which is more of a wobble. ‘Save it for your wife,’ she yells over her shoulder.
‘I’m not a fucking pussy,’ I bark at an old man who’s stupid enough to come too close. He nearly jumps out of his skin and hotfoots it away from me. There’s no room for guilt. It was him or Kate, and Sam would skin me alive if I upset her.
I stalk to my car, yank the door open, and throw myself into the seat, looking into the rear-view mirror. Jesus, Lord, the state of me. I’m not exactly enhancing my chances of succeeding in making my wife fall in love with me when I look like this. I need to straighten myself out. Desperately. And I need to do it before I pick up the kids. They need to see me looking as normal as possible, so when I explain to them what is happening, they will know that I am 100 per cent together, and I need them to be, too.