It takes me one second flat to figure out what’s not right when my brain wakes the next morning. Ava’s not in bed with me. Then another second to break into a panic. Where is she? And another second to get myself out of bed and out of the bedroom. I sprint around the landing and down the stairs like a loon, skidding into the kitchen.
I find Maddie at the island eating her breakfast. ‘Oh my God!’ Her horrified screech pierces my ears, her spoon halfway to her mouth. Her eyes are wide for the brief moment I see them before she swings back around on her stool, away from me. ‘Seriously, Dad!’
For a moment, I’m confused. Then I register the reason for her alarm. On a cringe, I look down my front. My naked front. Shit!
‘Where’s your mum?’ I ask, taking my hands to my groin and cupping myself. I die a little on the inside, though I don’t beat a hasty retreat. I’m too worried.
Her arm shoots out towards the utility room, just as Ava appears with a basket of washing in her hands. I get the same reaction from my wife as I do my daughter. The basket full of washing hits the ground, followed by a shriek. ‘Jesse, what the hell?’ Ava snatches a tea towel off the counter and rushes over, making quick work of covering me up.
‘You weren’t in bed,’ I snap, letting loose an unhappy scowl. ‘I was worried.’
Dark chocolate strands of hair frame her face as she gives me a tired look. ‘The kids are back at school today. I needed a head start.’
‘You should have woken me up. I just had twenty heart attacks between here and the bedroom, Ava.’
‘You were tired.’
‘I’m not tired,’ I retort, while she continues to arrange the small square of cloth over my nether regions. ‘Never leave our bed without telling me. You’ll kill me off.’
‘Stop being so dramatic.’ While she’s down there determinedly trying to conceal my dignity, her hand brushes the underside of my cock, waking the frisky fucker up. I inhale sharply, as does Ava, watching as the material moves with the help of my growing erection. Biting her lip furiously, she shakes her head. And here we are, back to that blessed thing called self-control.
‘For fuck’s sake,’ I mumble under my breath. ‘Are there any shorts in that basket?’
Snapping to life, Ava darts across to where she abandoned the washing and rifles through. ‘Here!’ She pulls out a black pair and chucks them across to me. Making sure Maddie remains facing away from me, I replace the pathetic towel with the shorts. ‘I’m decent, baby girl,’ I tell her.
‘You’re sooooo embarrassing.’
I plonk myself on the stool next to her and chuck the tea towel at Ava. It hits her in the chest and falls to the floor, her hands not even coming up to try to catch it. Because she’s too busy indulging in my chest. I pout and look down my fine front, peeking up at her through my lashes. ‘Breakfast?’ I ask, my question bringing her eyes to mine.
They roll as she picks up the basket, before warily flicking to our daughter. ‘Behave,’ she mouths, disappearing back into the utility room.
I laugh under my breath. Behave? Never. ‘How long have you been up?’ I call, searching the island for a pot of coffee. No coffee.
‘Six thirty,’ Ava replies as I make my way to the coffee machine and fire it up, not allowing the fact that it’s not prepared already bother me. ‘But Maddie was down here before me.’
She was? I look back at my daughter on a raised brow, and she shrugs around her mouthful of cereal. She usually needs a rocket up her arse to get her out of bed.
‘Thought I could get my own breakfast this morning.’
I smile fondly, flipping her a wink. ‘Good girl.’ She’s trying to help, anything to lessen the pressure on Ava’s shoulders. I’m about to switch on the coffeemaker when I hear cursing from the utility room. I sigh and look up at the ceiling. Lord, give me strength. ‘Ava,’ I warn. My day isn’t getting off to the best start. Heart attacks. Swearing.
‘Shit, it can’t be that hard,’ I hear her grumble as I head her way, finding her staring at the washing machine.
‘I won’t tell you again, watch your damn mouth,’ I hiss, resting my shoulder on the door as she stares at the buttons embellishing the front, completely ignoring me. ‘What’s up?’
She sighs. ‘I don’t know how to use the washing machine.’ She proceeds to smack buttons on the front and twist knobs randomly, getting increasingly annoyed. ‘How hard can it be?’
I join her by the machine and take her hand gently before she breaks the damn thing. ‘Take it easy,’ I say, all soothingly. ‘We’ll figure it out together.’ I bend and scan the millions of buttons on the front, Ava joining me. Jesus, what do they all do? What’s all this rinse and spin business? I bite the corner of my lip, wondering where the manual might be.
‘You don’t know how to use it, do you?’ she says, a little teasingly. I honestly don’t.
‘Not a fucking clue,’ I admit unashamedly, slowly casting my eyes to hers. ‘The washing has always been your area of expertise.’
‘You cheeky bastard!’ she gasps, outraged, smacking my arm.
‘Mouth!’
‘Shut up. And what’s your area of expertise?’
My irritation dissipates, and I laugh, seizing her and mauling her neck for a few precious moments, sneakily flexing my hips into hers. ‘What do you think my area of expertise is?’
She chuckles and tries to swat me away, with little success. I have a firm hold, and I’m not letting go. ‘So you’re good for one thing and one thing alone?’
Picking her up, I sit her on the counter and take her hips. Her smile is dreamy. Gorgeous. And her eyes bright, considering the time of day. ‘I’m an expert at most things I do.’ I’m not boasting. I am. I tug her forward until her crotch hits mine, reawakening my dick. I look down and sigh. ‘Oh dear.’
‘Oh dear,’ she counters, pulling my face up and covering my mouth with hers, encasing my naked shoulders in her arms. Good fucking morning. And welcome home. ‘I need to get the kids ready for school,’ she murmurs, nipping the end of my tongue.
Right on cue, we hear the sleepy call of Jacob from the kitchen.
‘They’re snogging in the utility room,’ Maddie informs him tiredly. ‘Looks like we’re back to normal.’
Back to normal. Not quite. But knowing the kids get reassurance from seeing me and Ava up to our old tricks does something sweet to me. Is it that simple for them? Just to have their mum and dad here together, loving each other, being their normal selves, even if we’re not? I was starting to feel guilty about sending them away. Now, I’m more sure than ever that I did the right thing by them. Those first few days after I brought Ava home were hell. The emotions, the screaming, the distress. I wouldn’t want them to see their mum so lost and their dad so hopeless. That time with us alone was precious. It was needed. For Ava to discover who I am and what I stand for, and for her to accept it. And she does. Thankfully, she does.
I’m pulled from my thoughts by a gentle tap on my shoulder and I breathe in, looking into the eyes that have ruled me from day one. I spend a few moments rearranging her dark waves over her shoulders before picking her up off the counter and setting her on her feet. ‘You are relieved of duty.’ I swat her arse and send her on her way, her coy look over her shoulder doing nothing to help the situation behind my shorts. I flash her a warning look, but she just grins in the way she does. As soon as she’s gone, I give the washing machine a good whack, and nod, satisfied, when I hear water rushing into the drum.
‘Morning, Mum,’ I hear Jacob chime when Ava enters the kitchen, me following behind. He’s scanning the boxes of cereal on the island, all six of them. Ava must have got every type we have from the pantry, covering all angles, I guess. ‘Where’s my favourite?’ he asks.
All angles, except Jacob’s favourite. Ava’s face falls, along with my heart, and Maddie gives her brother a quick kick in the shin. ‘Stupid,’ she snipes.
I die a little on the inside when Ava looks across at me, her eyes watering. ‘It’s nothing.’ I shoot to the cupboard and snatch down Jacob’s Pop-Tarts, quickly shoving two in the toaster. ‘See? Done.’
‘I’m sorry, Mum.’ My boy’s face is so remorseful, and I’m torn between comforting him or going to Ava. My decision is made for me when Ava hastily escapes the kitchen. My shoulders drop, and I look to the kids as they watch their mum rush away, her hands wiping at her face. Fucking hell. After a quick, reassuring rub of their heads, I go after Ava, finding her in the downstairs bathroom snatching tissue from the roll.
‘Ava, baby.’ I step in and close the door behind me. ‘It’s no big deal.’ My heart cracks clean in two when she turns to face me, her bottom lip quivering, tears rolling down her cheeks.
‘I don’t even know what my son’s favourite breakfast is.’ Her voice cracks and her chin drops. ‘What kind of mother am I?’
That right there sends me into the realms of crazy mad before I can stop it, my hand reaching forward and snatching away the tissue that’s on its way to her face. ‘You stop that now,’ I order, more harshly than I meant. Her wide eyes watch me warily, the tears still streaming down her cheeks. Crowding her, I grab her face and push my forehead to hers, drilling into her with pissed-off eyes. ‘Never, ever, doubt your abilities as a mother, do you hear me?’ She nods. ‘Good.’ I push my lips to hers and kiss her hard. ‘Now wipe those eyes and get your arse back in that kitchen.’
‘Okay.’ She doesn’t argue or protest, sniffing back her emotion and pulling herself together. ‘Can I have the tissue back?’
‘No.’ I take my thumbs and drag them across her cheeks, clearing up the evidence of her tears. ‘Off you go.’ Turning her by her shoulders, I walk her back to the kitchen, only releasing her after I’ve squeezed a little reassurance into her with a flex of my hands.
She nods in understanding and goes to the cupboard to get a plate for Jacob, taking his Pop-Tarts from the toaster and sliding them across the island to him. ‘Thanks, Mum.’ He bites his lip, flicking his eyes to me nervously.
‘What?’ Ava asks, looking to me, too.
‘Nothing.’ I scoot over to the fridge and grab the peanut butter, handing it to Jacob, who proceeds to smother it over his Pop-Tarts.
‘Oh.’ Ava’s shoulders sag as she watches, a grimace growing across her face. ‘Of course he smothers his breakfast in peanut butter.’
‘You’re disgusting,’ Maddie snorts as she leaves the kitchen. ‘I’m going to get showered.’
‘And I’m going to make lunchboxes.’ Ava swirls around and scans the cupboards.
‘Top left,’ I remind her, going about finishing the coffee I started. When I’m done, I take a seat next to my boy and open my mouth for him to share, smiling as he pushes the last bit of his breakfast into my mouth. ‘Go get a shower,’ I tell him, and he’s off quickly, leaving me and Ava alone in the kitchen.
I look across to my wife, thoughtful as I devour the jar of peanut butter. I’ve been so transfixed on all the major things she needs to learn that the simple things, such as the kids’ favourite breakfast, never crossed my mind as something to get upset about. So trivial. Yet so eye-opening. One minute I’m high on hope, feeling the love and feelings pouring out of my wife, the next I’m being brought back down to earth by something stupid like Pop-Tarts. But, as I keep reminding myself, this is a marathon. Not a sprint.
I take a sip of my coffee as I watch Ava standing before the open fridge. She’s still. Staring ahead. I frown and set my mug down, watching her shoulders begin to jump up and down discreetly. Concerned, I get up and go to her, turning her around until I have her face. Tears are gushing from her eyes, streaking down her cheeks and splashing her T-shirt. ‘I don’t know what they like in their lunchboxes, either,’ she sobs, each word a helpless croak.
‘Hey.’ I lower my face to hers, nuzzling, coating my cheeks in her tears, too. We’re in this together, stress, love, despair . . . and tears. Even if I’m not crying them, they’re mine, too. I don’t get the chance to pick her up; she grabs me first, throwing her arms around my neck and practically crawling up my front. What can I do? There’s no easy fix. It’s just a matter of time and that fucking thing called patience.
I carry her to a stool and get her comfortable on my lap, her legs straddling me, her face hiding in my chest, her tears soaking into my skin. With my face in her hair, I sigh, cuddling her close. Just giving her the time she needs to get this out of her system. It’s just another part of this excruciating process. One more bump in this rocky road. How many more bumps, knock-backs, and cries are to come is daunting. But I need to be strong.
The man she married.
‘Maddie loves Marmite in her sandwiches,’ I say into her hair. ‘And Jacob likes—’
‘Peanut butter,’ she sniffles, dragging her heavy head up until she has my eyes.
I smile, taking her hands and holding them between our chests. ‘I’m with you all the way, baby. High and lows, good and bad, I’m here by your side. To help you, to wipe your tears, to love you. I love you so fucking much, lady.’ I kiss her cheek, hovering there for a few seconds, inhaling her into me. ‘Never give up, do you hear me? We have too much to fight for.’
Her little sob is one full of emotion and relief. ‘Falling in love with you again was easy,’ she murmurs, so quietly. ‘This, though. The children. I love them. I didn’t need to fall, I just looked at them and knew. But part of being a good mother isn’t just loving them unconditionally. It’s knowing them inside out. What they like, what they hate.’ Her eyes close, her reality too much to bear, and I clasp the back of her head gently and tug her into my embrace. ‘I feel more lost now than ever. Just the look on their faces when I get something wrong.’
‘Stop it,’ I order. ‘Right this minute.’
‘I just hate disappointing them.’
‘You don’t disappoint them by forgetting what shit they like in their sandwich or what they have for breakfast. The only way you could disappoint them is by not loving them. By giving up. Am I going to have to take you upstairs and give you a Reminder Fuck?’ I’m deadly serious, too, so she better not question my threat.
‘A reminder?’ Looking up at me, she sniffles through a little laugh.
‘Yes, a reminder.’ I stand and she slides down my front to her feet. Slowly. Her palms on my bare chest. Her gaze there, too. Lust-filled. I smile on the inside, because no matter how shit the timing is, I’ve distracted her from her downheartedness, and for that I will never apologise. Distracting her has always been my area of expertise. I’m so thankful that’s not lost. Placing my hand between her thighs, I cup her, forcing her to breathe in deep.
‘Jesse.’ Her voice cracks with the fiery passion displayed in her brown eyes, though she makes no attempt to escape me. I drag my hand up to her hip on a smile and clamp lightly down on her tickle spot. That breath she was holding spills free, though she doesn’t move a muscle.
‘Tell me you’ll never question your capabilities as a mother again,’ I command, flexing my hand just a fraction to give her a hint of the torture she’s about to endure should she deny me. ‘Go on, baby.’
‘I’ll never question it again.’ The words pour from her mouth fast, hardly audible.
I pinch down and she bucks on a sharp squeal. ‘What was that?’ My smiling face gets close to her scowling face. ‘Say it again. Slowly so I can hear you.’
‘I’ll. Never. Doubt. Myself. Again.’ The second she’s spelled out my demand, she sucks in more air and holds it, waiting, bracing herself.
I hold her on the cusp of anticipation for a few moments, before shifting my hand to her thighs again and going in for the kill, slamming my mouth to hers and walking us to the nearest wall. This weapon, my ability to bring her back around, to distract her from some of her misery, is all I have, and I’ll use it with no remorse or hesitation. The feel of her soft boobs squished against my hard chest, every curve she has melding into every sharp muscle on me, ramps up my need.
Not great when the kids are within screaming distance. Not great at all. It doesn’t stop me attacking her lips with force, though, exploring her mouth as keenly as she’s exploring mine, her fingernails ravaging my shoulders and back, her whimpers of pleasure sinking into my brain and making my head spin with want rather than frustration.
‘Later.’ I bite on her lip and tug back, until it pops free of my teeth. ‘You are at my mercy, lady.’
‘Aren’t I always?’ Firm fists grab my hair and yank, pulling me back onto her mouth.
‘And don’t you forget it.’ We’re all clashing lips and teeth, rushed and clumsy. She thrusts her hips forward, catching my tented shorts.
‘Dad!’ Maddie’s shrill shriek lands in the kitchen with a bang and bats down my throbbing cock. Just like that. ‘Dad!’
I fold, unimpressed, though Ava laughs, taking the edge off my annoyance. Having her to myself, albeit traumatic at times, was a rare treat. Being able to indulge her when I wanted was a blessing, especially given the circumstances. That connection was key. Not having to worry about being caught by the kids was a weight off my mind. A light wave of guilt passes over me for being so selfish.
Growling, I yank myself away from Ava and push her hair off her sticky cheek. ‘No more tears,’ I order, heading to the kitchen door. ‘What’s up?’ I call to Maddie.
‘I can’t find my school uniform.’
‘Me neither,’ Jacob chimes in, appearing at the top of the stairs in his boxers.
I wouldn’t have a fucking clue where to start looking for school uniforms. And I just know Ava won’t now, either. When she joins me at the bottom of the stairs, I half expect her to break down once more, and so do the twins, judging by their wary expressions. But instead, she breathes in and starts making her way up to them. ‘If we can’t find them, you’ll just have to go naked.’
‘Urghhhhh, gross!’ Maddie laughs, watching as Ava passes, her eyes sparkling in happiness.
‘Wouldn’t bother me.’ Jacob shrugs and looks down at me, like What’s the problem?
‘He clearly gets his confidence from you,’ Ava calls, sending me a pointed look.
And I grin, so fucking proud of my wife. And of my kids. Of all of them. We’re a team. We can get through anything.