Chapter Ten
“This was the best night of my life,” Connor said, putting his feet up on the coffee table.
The fire was roaring, Haley was curled up beside him, a tray of lasagna was finished, and he’d just had the best sex of his life. Because it wasn’t sex. Not with Haley. He’d known that. Because he had feelings for her before he slept with her. Profound feelings. Ones he’d never had.
“I have to agree,” Haley said with a laugh. She placed her hand on his chest and looked up at him. He saw the emotion in her eyes, saw his own staring back at him. He wanted to make her all the promises in the world, but he knew she was going to have to give up her past and confide in him.
“I don’t want you to leave. When it’s time for you to start work in September.”
Her breath caught. “What do you mean?”
“I want you to stay with me and Rosie…keep your job, do whatever. But stay here, with us.”
His gut was clenched because of the enormity of what he was saying. She blinked and then her eyes were filled with tears and she didn’t say anything. “Hey, you don’t have to give me an answer tonight.”
“I can’t…” She took a shuddering breath and it was killing him, seeing her looking so shattered. He didn’t want her to hold it in anymore, whatever it was that was eating her alive.
“What is it, Haley?”
She started crying and, instead of pulling away, reached for him, almost leaped into him. She clung to him as though he were her lifeline—a first for him. No one had had that kind of faith in him. She believed that he was strong enough for her and whatever pain she was holding onto. He held her to him, stroking her back, her hair, planting kisses on her head. “I don’t know if I can do it again. I don’t know if I have it in me. Sometimes I feel like the old life never really happened, and then sometimes I hear his voice. I was so stupid. I was so young and so desperate for a family. It had always seemed so sad and lonely growing up. It was just me and Luke and our mom, and because she had to work to support us it was usually just me and Luke.”
He held onto her a little tighter because he knew this was so far from what her dreams were.
“When I met David, he said he wanted all those things. He introduced me to his family and they owned a big law firm, and everything seemed so perfect. He was the first real boyfriend I ever had, and I thought I’d hit the jackpot. For a while everything was fine. Then little remarks would start popping up. At first it seemed like he was concerned and wanted the best for me. He would tell me things like I shouldn’t work anymore, but then I would tell him I loved my job. He would drop it and then bring it up again, but then start adding little insults with it.” She paused, like she didn’t want to keep talking. He tried to keep his expression neutral even though he knew where this was going. This was textbook.
“Then there would be other things, like how I should dress, where I should shop. He’d insist on paying for things, going shopping with me. I was in my early twenties and had never grown up with money. It was a fairy tale. We got engaged. He bought me a car. We lived in his massive penthouse. We entertained people from his circle.” She looked down at her hands on his chest and then looked him straight in the eyes. “I liked it at first. I liked how it felt to have money. But then he started criticizing my friends. I found out later he’d hide it when they’d called for me and wouldn’t give me messages. He even hid messages from Luke. He was slowly taking me away from the person I was and the people I loved. He was isolating me. It was a way of controlling me. He’d make remarks on what I was eating. If I was gaining too much weight. What the ideal clothing size should be for me. He got me a personal trainer and discussed an eating plan for me with my trainer.
“Omigod,” she said, a bitter laugh ripping from her mouth. “Just saying all this aloud is so humiliating. How could I have let myself be controlled like that? If Rosie ever had a guy like that, I’d kick him to the curb myself. He belittled me and slowly chipped away at the strong woman I thought I was until there was nothing left.”
“You’re still here,” he said gruffly.
“After we got married, we started trying for a baby. I got pregnant really quickly.” She stopped speaking and her eyes filled with tears. She turned from him and stared out the window. She didn’t say anything for a few minutes. He squeezed her shoulder gently, wanting her to continue before she changed her mind, but hating that whatever was coming next was going to be brutal to listen to.
“I lost the baby a few weeks later, and it was the lowest point in my life. I had never felt so empty, so completely lost, than that night in the ER. And David…he didn’t offer any kind of comfort. A stranger, a nurse, stood there and held my hand as I lost that baby. He had turned from me in disgust. And in the days and weeks that followed, not a single day went by that he didn’t call me worthless. I had another miscarriage, and after that…” She blinked rapidly, and he knew she was struggling to hold onto her control. His heart hurt for her. It physically hurt to listen to her, to the loneliness she must have felt. What a bastard. If he had five minutes alone in a room with that guy…
“What, Haley?”
Her face closed up. “By this point I knew there was no way I could have a baby with him. He was not the man I wanted to have a child with. He was not the man I wanted to father a child. He was nothing like you. Rosie is so lucky to have you,” she whispered, turning to him, tears running down her cheeks.
She gutted him and humbled him. He didn’t even have words for what she’d just told him. “Haley.”
She shook her head and put her finger on his lips. “You are everything I ever wanted in a husband, in a father for a child. You think you’re not. You think you’re not good enough. But you, Connor, are more than good enough.”
“I’m here, like this, because of you. Don’t think I’d be here with Rosie, without you. I wanted you the second I saw you. I knew you were special,” he said, lowering his mouth to hers, kissing her long and slow. “I’m sorry you lived through that. I’m sorry that was the first guy you met. I’m sorry. God, I’m sorry,” he whispered harshly. “I wish I had done so many things differently. But I wish I could have been the guy for you back then,” he said against her lips. She clung to him, kissed him, and held him like a lifeline. He couldn’t get enough of her—the taste of her, the feel of her, the sound of her. He didn’t want the night to end.
He didn’t want her time here to end.
…
“I didn’t even know there were this many people in Shadow Creek,” Connor grumbled as he pulled the stroller out of the trunk.
Haley laughed. “I know, right? I’ve never had trouble finding parking downtown.” They had to circle around a few times until they found a spot on one of the side streets. “I think it’s so cute that they do a winter carnival,” she said.
A couple with two screaming toddlers walked by them, the dad dragging one of them.
“Looks like that’s what we have to look forward to,” Connor said, nudging his chin in their direction.
Haley stilled for a second at the implication of what he’d said. He saw them as a family, like she did. That little boy was three years old or so. He’d want more kids. Why wouldn’t he? She hadn’t told him everything the other night. She had wanted to, she’d been about to, but she’d chickened out. She hadn’t wanted him to look at her differently. But she didn’t know what to do now, because if she truly wanted to be with Connor she had to tell him, before things got too far.
According to their agreement she’d be gone by September. She was falling for Connor and Rosie. She watched him as he patiently unbuckled the car seat and snapped it into the stroller. She even found his grumbling about the inefficiencies of the setup as he always did when the car seat didn’t snap in on the first try.
“So, where to?” he asked, standing up once the car seat was secured into the stroller base.
“Gwen and Lily’s chocolaterie or we’ll be in trouble. Everyone is meeting up there first,” she said as they made their way to Main Street.
“Okay, sounds good,” he said, starting to wheel the stroller with one hand.
“I think I need a coffee,” Haley said.
“Sure. I’d better get one, too. I’ll stay up with you and Rosie since it’s the weekend.”
She smiled up at him. “I wonder when she’ll start sleeping the whole night.”
“Never. I think it’s payback.”
She laughed. They walked along the clean sidewalks at an easy pace. Connor would point out patches of ice. Haley wondered if to the average observer if they looked like a happy young family. No one would guess she was just the nanny. But that was okay. It was safer to be the nanny. Being any more would only be putting herself at risk to losing her identity again or having her heart broken. More than anything David had robbed her of herself. Connor could destroy her because she could easily give him her heart. She wished she’d met him first. She wished she didn’t have the baggage from her marriage being carried around with her. Sometimes she wondered how she’d ever get rid of it, how she could ever go back to the woman she was before she met David.
Haley stopped walking as they reached Main Street and placed her hand on Connor’s arm. “This is the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever seen.”
He followed her gaze and the two of them stood there and took in the downtown of Shadow Creek. The rows of historic brick buildings were still adorned with fresh cedar roped over the windows from Christmas. Ice sculptures and carnival games lined the road and vendors were set up with roasted chestnuts and hot chocolate. A horse-drawn wagon with jingling bells was making its way down the street filled with parents and children. It was straight out of a movie. “It’s amazing,” he said as they started walking toward Shadow Creek Chocolatiers. The smell as they entered Gwen and Lily’s shop was enough to make Haley almost drool. Peppermint and chocolate and vanilla wafted through the air. She laughed as she spotted her brother behind the counter in the packed shop.
“I think Luke is probably having a field day with all the extra sweets,” Haley said. Her brother had a notorious love of chocolate and muffins.
She spotted Gwen poking him and snatching a cupcake from his hand. His response was to grin, kiss her, and pry the cupcake out of her hand. She had never seen him as happy as he was with Gwen. They were adorable, and if she didn’t love him and her sister-in-law so much she might hate them. “Gwen, you never should have let him back there,” she said when they finally reached the front of the counter.
“I know! He’s been banned from the kitchen.”
“Hey, you know I’m standing right here,” Luke said, taking a bite of the cupcake.
“How are you guys doing? How is Rosie liking the festival?” Gwen asked, peering over the counter to look at Rosie.
“She hasn’t opened her eyes once,” Connor said. Haley smiled up at him, thinking it was so cute that he seemed to exude the whole proud papa thing without even realizing it. She loved that about him. She didn’t even think he realized how much he already loved Rosie.
“She’s so adorable,” Gwen said with a slightly giddy look. “Do you have five seconds? We need to hurry up and go to the back, because I just spotted Marlene Mayberry and if she sees us, we won’t have any time to talk. She’s been talking nonstop about that anonymous donation to the shelter.”
“What anonymous donation?” Haley asked.
“Do you guys not read the paper?”
“Newborn to take care of. No time for that Shadow Creek gossip paper,” Haley said with a laugh. She looked over at Connor who was intently studying the cupcake display. Guys.
“Well, someone donated a hundred thousand. Anonymously.”
Luke whistled under his breath. “Wow.”
“Yeah, so now that you’re up-to-date, I’ve got news you won’t find in the paper. Come with me,” Gwen said, yanking her arm.
Haley laughed. “Uh, sure,” she said, looking at Connor. She hated the idea of leaving him with her brother. Marlene Mayberry was the flamboyant town mayor. She was a little too loud, wore a little too much makeup, and was a little too nosy for her to be well-liked.
Connor nodded. Haley poked Luke in the ribs. “Be nice,” she hissed as she followed Gwen into the kitchen.
Gwen yanked her inside. “Are you ready?”
Haley frowned. “For what?”
“I’ve been feeling slightly gross the last few days… I took a pregnancy test.”
Tears sprang in her eyes. “Omigod!” She threw herself into Gwen’s arms and they laughed and cried. She was so happy for them, for Luke. She knew what this must mean for him. It would be a roller coaster of emotions for her brother
“I know, I can’t believe it happened so fast. We weren’t exactly trying,” Gwen said, her face filled with color and life.
“How’s my brother?” Haley whispered.
Gwen’s eyes filled with tears again. “He’s so happy. But it brings up old pain, and I just…I want to be there for him.”
Haley sniffled. “I know. You will. You guys need to concentrate on the positive and enjoy this time,” she said. She had enjoyed this time, twice. She’d enjoyed it until it had ended brutally. But that wouldn’t happen to Gwen. Gwen and Luke deserved a happily ever after.
“I need to go out there and congratulate Luke.”
“Let’s hope he hasn’t insulted Connor,” Gwen said, opening the door.
Connor and Luke were standing side by side, neither of them looking at each other. They were chewing what looked like might have been chocolate. Connor had one hand on the stroller handle and the other holding the rest of a cupcake.
“Hey, Luke.” Her brother turned to her. The vulnerability and sheen in his eyes made her forgive him instantly. “Congratulations,” she whispered. He reached out and pulled her into a giant hug.
“I’m scared, Haley,” he whispered in her ear.
She squeezed him harder. “You’re going to be great. Gwen is going to be great. And that baby is going to be great,” she said, pulling back so that he could see her eyes, see how sure she was.
His jaw clenched and he gave her a firm nod. “You’re right.”
He glanced at Connor who must have been wondering what all this was about. “Okay, well, we’re going to wander around outside. I’ll talk to you guys later. I’m so happy for you,” she whispered. Connor followed her outside and she drew a deep, shaky breath. The night air wasn’t too bad and felt good after coming out of the hot bakery. They wandered the main street, window shopping, admiring all the creative displays.
Her mind was on her brother, on all the Baileys. They were all having babies, they were all in that phase of life. She glanced down at Rosie, wishing she was really hers. Wishing her babies were here, too.
“Your brother was looking a little more civil tonight,” Connor said.
She winced. “I’m sorry about him. He’s not himself. They are pregnant,” she said, smiling. “He went through a lot in his previous marriage, and he blamed himself for the death of his wife. She was also pregnant with their child. So this…this is huge for him.”
“Wow. I’m sorry.”
“Yeah,” she said, the mood somber now. They stopped in front of Jack and Jill Toyshop and she caught Connor staring at the old-fashioned train circling a winter village. “I always wanted one of those as a kid,” he said with a rueful smile.
“It’s sweet,” she said, wanting to reach out and hold his hand. She tried to picture him as a little boy but it was impossible. She wondered if he had any family pictures from when he was small. She didn’t want to ask because she didn’t think the answer would be good, and she didn’t want to ruin the mood.
“Do you think Rosie would want one? I know she’s too little now, but maybe next year. I could put it together with her and we could run it. I know it’s traditionally a boy thing, but I don’t believe in that crap. I want Rosie to be whatever she wants to be.”
She was an idiot. She felt like crying because he was the best guy she had ever known besides Luke. This time, she took his hand. He looked over, surprised, and squeezed her hand gently. She was in love with him.
“Not a good gift?” he asked, vulnerability laced through his deep voice.
She shook her head and smiled up at him. “It’s the perfect gift.”
They started walking towards Connor’s truck and Haley fumbled in her purse as she heard her phone ringing. “I bet it’s Julia or Lily asking if I heard the news,” she said. She stopped walking as David’s face greeted her on her phone.
Before she could tuck it away, Connor’s large hand held on to it.
“Is that him?” he asked, the tone of his voice sending a shiver through her already cold body.
She declined the call and shoved it back into her purse. She grabbed the handles of Rosie’s stroller and started pushing. “We’re going to have to deal with this,” he said, easily catching up to her.
“It’s not your problem to deal with, Connor. I’ll deal with it.”
“Hey,” he said, the irritation in his voice making her stop and look at him.
When she turned to him, she winced at the expression on his face.
“I’m not going to let you deal with this ass on your own. You did that before. You were alone before, you don’t have to be alone now. You’ve got me, you’ve got your brother. I’m sure if you told Luke David’s calling you again, he’d be pissed as hell.”
This was true. She believed Luke had threatened to hurt David. She didn’t want drama. She didn’t want protecting. She didn’t want these guys coming in to rescue her from another guy. “Thanks, but I can handle it.”
She started walking, but his hand reached out and stopped her.
“Haley, this isn’t about you not being able to handle it. I think you can handle almost anything that comes your way. But handling a misogynistic, wealthy, high-powered lawyer who doesn’t take no for an answer probably isn’t something you should handle. There’s also the psychological hold he has over you. How do you know you’re not going to freeze up when you’re with him?”
She stared up at the starlit sky and away from his dark, concerned stare. Everything he was saying was right, but it was humiliating. It was humiliating not being able to deal with her own life.
“And before you think you don’t need a guy defending you and helping you, then you need to look at it from a whole different angle.”
“You don’t get it, Connor. This is my life. I screwed it up. I shouldn’t have to ask you or my brother for help for my own problems.”
“Really. That’s how you see it.”
She nodded. “Luke got his life back on track without help.”
“But he had help.”
She frowned at him.
“Gwen. She got through to him.”
True…
“And what about me? Wasn’t I the guy who slept with someone I knew was not someone I’d want to have anything to do with in the future? Wasn’t I the guy who had a kid without knowing it? Wasn’t I the guy who had a baby dropped on the doorstep? I didn’t know how to change a diaper, feed, or even hold Rosie. Did I try to do it myself, or did I ask for help?”
She frowned at him. “I really hate that you make so much sense and are so smart. I first thought that IQ thing was attractive. Now I find it to be a nuisance.”
He burst out laughing and snatched her forward. She went willingly, allowing herself to be wrapped up in his arms, allowing herself to be comforted by his strength. They stood there like that, arms wrapped around each other as snow fell softly around them. A few minutes later he pulled back and looked down at her and she knew she wanted him to kiss her. She studied the expression in his eyes, seeing the desire, but seeing more; she saw the emotion, she saw the man he was.
She kept getting these glimpses of the very large heart that beat below his hard surface. She got glimpses of the sensitive little boy he must have been. She caught glimpses of the father he already was, and the great father he would be. The scariest part, though, were the glimpses she’d get of the husband he could be. His large hands, with their calluses, framed her face, ever so gently.
Her last thought before his lips reached hers was that she’d better hurry up and get over her past, because Connor was leading her to believe that there was a spectacular future waiting for her.