Chapter Four
Haley detected the change in Connor’s mood after the appointment. Not that he’d been talkative before, but he’d barely said a word on the drive home, or over the pizza they shared. She’d tried to make some small talk, but he’d only had a word or two as answer. Now that Rosie was tucked in for a few hours and it was just the two of them, she thought maybe she should bring up what was really bothering him. Maybe he needed someone to reassure him.
She sat opposite him on the couch and tucked her feet under her. “It’s okay you know. Rosie is going to be fine, I can tell.”
He didn’t say anything for a moment, just paused with his fingers on his laptop keyboard. He glanced up for a second and she caught a flash of something—maybe vulnerability, maybe irritation. His jaw clenched a few times before he mumbled a “thanks.” Then he was back to looking at his computer screen.
“It’s not your fault, you know.”
This time, he snapped the lid of his computer shut. Even though the noise wasn’t loud, something about the movement caused her to shrink back slightly in the cushions of the sofa. Maybe it was his quick reaction, the anger that caused him to snap it shut.
Something flickered in his eyes, and then he blinked and the anger was gone. It was as though it was washed right out of him. She let out a long sigh, only now realizing she’d been holding her breath. “Thank you, Haley. Listen, I’m not used to talking to people about…feelings.”
She smiled at him and her heart squeezed as he so obviously was trying to make her not feel like she was intruding. “It’s okay.”
She wanted to say more, but he was already standing. Her heart started beating faster and she felt the need to make him feel better, to say something that would comfort him. “Connor, you can’t blame yourself.”
He stopped, halfway across the room. He placed one large hand on the rustic fireplace mantle and ducked his head. “It is,” he said in a low voice. “What kind of father am I? Her mother could have drank herself through that pregnancy. I saw Julia and Lily constantly doing everything for their pregnancies, always talking about vitamins and food choices and exercises.” He paused, slamming his fist against the mantle. “What the hell can I say that Tess did? None of that, that’s for sure. Hell, she left that little girl in sub-zero temperatures on a damn doorstep, on the ground, like yesterday’s trash.”
His voice broke and she stood, ready to do something, but he turned his back on her and left the room. She wiped the tears that were falling down her face when he spoke. Oh, his guilt was going to eat him alive. He had shut her out, not that she was surprised.
She turned around and let her gaze take in the house. It didn’t look like a happy home. All her life, she’d dreamed of a happy home life. She imagined a home where she would immediately feel welcome, a home where her children would find refuge and security. She loved cooking and baking and imagined she would do all those things one day for her loved ones. She knew her mother would have done that for them if her life had been easier, but their mother had the essentials to be concerned with. Everything else was a luxury she couldn’t afford to give them. She could bet anything that Connor hadn’t had any of that, either. Maybe he needed her guidance. She was here in their lives for a reason.
Haley walked across the room to the almost-bare kitchen, running her hand along the clean granite counter. She had lived in luxury when she’d gotten married, but he had ripped her apart until she didn’t know who she was anymore. She blinked back tears as she thought of Connor, of her ex-husband. None of it was fair.
She took a deep breath. She was going to change this place. She was going to find a way to make this place a real home for Connor and Rosie. She was going to show him that he needed to concentrate on the now, and the future for Rosie. He was enough. And she, well, she was going to make this place a home for them. Rosie may not be hers, but she could give that sweet baby a little piece of her heart.
…
Haley pushed the shopping cart through the entrance of Target with Gwen. She was on a mission—she was going to make Connor’s house a home for him and Rosie. This morning he’d not spoken a word. His eyes had been bloodshot and even though she didn’t think he’d spent the night bawling his eyes out, he obviously hadn’t slept. He had barely said goodbye to Rosie. He’d stood over her bassinet for a moment, and the look that had passed over his face had made her want to cry. She was going to turn this around for them. She would start by making his home an inviting sanctuary.
“Does it feel weird to be shopping for Connor and Rosie as if you were an actual family?”
She glanced sharply at her sister-in-law who was trying unsuccessfully to hide her smile. “Very funny. We’re not a family. I’m his employee, and this adorable, super-cute little miss is my charge. I need to make it more of an inviting place. Less like a sterile guy pad.”
“This is all very Sound of Music of you,” Gwen said, stopping at the display of bright baby clothes.
“What does that even mean?” she asked, examining the adorable onesies Gwen was handing to her. She snatched the ones that said Daddy’s Girl and I Love Daddy. “Omigod, these are all adorable,” Haley said. These would pull at Connor’s heartstrings.
“Did he give you a budget?” Gwen asked as she guided them toward the little shoes and accessories.
“Uh, no. He doesn’t know that I’m planning on accessorizing his house.”
“Are you paying for this yourself?” she asked, holding up a pair of cute, fur-lined, pink baby boots.
Haley snatched them and tossed them in the cart. It was a losing battle. “No, he gave me his card.”
Gwen stopped. “Huh. He must trust you a lot.”
“Well, obviously I’m not going to rack up credit card bills and take off. He knows me, and he knows I wouldn’t do that. Though, considering we’ve only been here like five minutes and my cart is already a quarter full, we might have to slow things down.”
“Somehow I don’t think Connor is going to object to anything you do,” she said as they made their way to the housewares section. Haley glanced over at Rosie sleeping peacefully. She really was an agreeable baby—during the day. They were going to have to sort out nighttime sleep patterns this week.
“I think I might pay for the house stuff with cash,” she said. She couldn’t buy all this stuff and have him pay for it.
“Oh, I’m sure he won’t like that and then end up paying you back. Keep your receipts.”
“Thanks for the accounting tips,” she said, her eyes widening at all the possibilities she saw as they turned the corner.
“These are cute,” Gwen whispered, picking up some green, red, and white plaid pillows.
Haley eyed them. “These are nice. Masculine, but cozy and inviting.” She tossed four into the cart.
“Also twenty-five percent off,” Gwen said, pointing at the red sign.
“What do you think of those hunter green chenille throws?” she asked, pointing to the shelf housing an assortment of throws. “He has those two large dark leather couches, no pillows, no throws. They’re nice, just really cold.”
“Totally a necessity,” Gwen said, pulling two out.
“This was meant to be, then,” Haley said, getting excited now. “I think we need to find some candles. I saw some cute ones in the flyer this morning—they’re in Mason jars.” She stopped talking as Gwen clutched her arm and pointed to the display of candles. “I need those,” she said.
“I say the dark green,” Gwen said, holding one up.
“Agreed. I’m thinking three. One for the coffee table, one for the kitchen island, and one for the kitchen table.”
“Done,” Gwen said, placing three in the cart. “What next?”
“Place mats? Or a table runner?”
Gwen gave her a nod and led the way. Minutes later they had made their decision on some woven place mats. “What else?”
“Ugh. I think we need two lamps. Do you know he uses a bright overhead fixture? It’s like I’m in an interrogation room. So one lamp for the hall table, and one lamp for the side table in the family room area.”
They grabbed another shopping cart and made their lighting decision within minutes.
“Done. Next?” Gwen asked.
“Mugs. Dishware. He eats off paper plates and straight out of the pizza box.”
They burst out laughing. “It’s sad how such a hot man could live like that,” Gwen said, steering the cart toward the aisle with dishes.
“I know. Maybe a vase. I’ll pick up some fresh flowers on my way home.”
“I can’t wait to see how this looks,” Gwen said. “Let me know if you need help setting up.”
“I’ll be okay. Once we get home, I’ll feed and change Rosie, and then when she’s napping I’ll make coffee and get it done!”
“This is very domestic of you,” Gwen said, pausing in the dishes aisle.
Haley tried to make sure her smile didn’t dip. She was domestic. No one really knew that about her, except her ex, and he hadn’t appreciated it. He’d abused it. She’d had stacks of decorating magazines and cookbooks. Her wedding registry had been filled with gorgeous items. Everything she’d left behind in an instant. None of it mattered. “Speaking of domestic, I should get a muffin tin and a loaf pan. Crockpot, too, because I think with this crappy cold weather I’m going to make chili tonight. Oh, and coffee—he has awful taste in coffee. I need a French press and whole beans.”
Gwen burst out laughing. “Connor isn’t going to know what hit him when he gets home.”
They both laughed at that as they made their way through the store, adding things here and there. Her phone rang inside her purse and she pulled it out, her heart thumping as she saw David’s number on the display. Why was he calling her? She panicked and decided against answering it. She had nothing to say to him. Their divorce had been finalized. She owed him nothing.
“You going to get that?” Gwen asked when her phone kept ringing.
Haley ended the call and forced a smile on her face. “Nope.”
“Are you okay? You look like you’re overheating or something.”
Haley shook her head and refused to give his call any meaning. “It was David. I decided not to pick up.”
Gwen frowned. “Why’s he calling you? Do you two still speak?”
Haley started pushing the cart again, Gwen following. “No, we don’t, and I have no intention of starting. I’m going to pretend like it didn’t happen. Maybe he dialled by accident.”
Gwen was still frowning. “Be careful, Haley.”
Haley stared straight ahead, the fluorescent lights seeming to bore a hole through her sockets. This was her new life. She didn’t want her old life intruding. She never wanted to speak to him again. “I will. I’ll deal with it if he keeps calling. Right now, I want to pretend like it never happened.”
…
Connor came home, wiped. He was vaguely aware something was different as he hung up his coat on the rack that he didn’t remember buying and taking off his boots on a rug he didn’t remember buying either. He spotted Haley right away, in the kitchen. Haley always greeted him with a smile, but tonight there was nothing.
It was because he’d been an ass last night and this morning. It had bothered him all day. She volunteered to help him out with Rosie, not to be a punching bag for his emotional drama. He didn’t know what was happening to him. Three days ago he had no idea he had a kid, and now he felt the heavy weight of parenthood on his shoulders.
No, it wasn’t even that. It was that he’d already failed the one kid he had, and she was barely a month old. He’d failed her, maybe irreparably. He’d spent the entire night researching fetal alcohol syndrome and its symptoms. Then he’d stared at Rosie while she slept, looking for any of the visual cues, but not finding any. There were times he’d hated himself, but nothing had prepared him for the self-loathing he’d felt in Luke’s office yesterday. It would be a long time before that feeling dimmed.
He had never done things the right way, growing up. He hated the memories of his father, of being called trash, getting told he was worthless, stupid, before being locked in a closet or hit. But more of his memories were of him and his mother. He was always grateful to her for trying to do the best for him, even after his father left, even if she had no means of supporting them. They had spent time in a shelter, time living out of her car.
He should have done better than this. He should have taken the straight path, but he’d wavered. He hadn’t finished high school. Sure, he’d worked and been able to help and then support himself, but he hung out with a rough crowd for years. Then he worked construction and finally the job on the oil rig where he met Jack. It was good money, but brutally hard work that took everything from him physically. But he wasn’t father material. He wasn’t what this baby needed and he didn’t know how to be.
Haley opened the lid on some appliance he’d never seen before and stirred, the aroma of something sweet and spicy filling the air and reminding him he’d barely eaten today. No matter what, he didn’t want to make her feel bad. “Haley?”
She turned around, wiping her hands on some dark-green dishcloth he didn’t remember buying. “Hi.”
He cleared his throat and took a step forward. “I’m sorry.”
Surprise flashed across her large eyes and he felt like even more of an ass for some reason. She hadn’t expected him to apologize. What did she think of him, if she hadn’t thought he’d apologize for shutting her down and being a jerk?
“Okay. I, um, know you’re going through a lot. No need to let me in on anything. I’m here for the next few months.” She said it with a sad kind of smile. Normally he’d think that was someone’s plea for sympathy or attention, but she said it matter-of-factly, like she really believed that’s all they were. At the very least they could be friends. Whatever he thought was already impossible was now made even more so by his current circumstances.
“You know you’re so much more than that to me,” he said. He’d wanted that to sound friendly and not like he meant any more, but his voice was hoarse and he’d obviously done a bad job of keeping the emotion out of it, because her cheeks colored slightly and she turned away.
“Does this place look different to you?” she asked, the brightness in her voice sounding forced.
He reluctantly turned from her, knowing this was a tactic to change the subject. But when his gaze took in the open space he was shocked. It looked like a home. Certainly, nothing like a place he’d ever lived. There were glowing candles, matching pillows and blankets. He spotted a couple of cooking/recipe magazines on the coffee table. There were red flowers on the kitchen table. Place mats and another candle. And dishes. Huh.
“You did all this?”
She nodded, smiling now, ear to ear. Then she spread her arm out and showcased the kitchen. There was a coffee maker—the fancy kind—with a glass jar filled with coffee beans. A mug stand with some white mugs. And the appliance he was most intrigued with was the one that was housing whatever was making the place smell so damn good.
“What’s in there?” he asked, pointing.
“Chili,” she said.
His stomach growled audibly. “Seriously?”
She nodded and then bolted to the oven as a timer went off. She pulled out a tray of biscuits and he swore to god he was going to pay her more money. “Can I help with anything?”
She shook her head and started scooping out chili into some bowls he’d never seen before. “Go sit down,” she said, handing him a bowl. “There are toppings on the table. I’m not sure how you like your chili. I’ll bring the biscuits.”
He did as instructed, and she joined him a minute later. “This is all way beyond your job description,” he said as she handed him a basket with warm biscuits.
“It’s part of the Haley package,” she said, smiling across the table at him like they did this every night.
He noticed the candle on the table. “I like the candle,” he said.
She looked up at him and smiled. “Really? It has a light spruce smell. I thought the place needed a little bit of warming up.”
“I like it. You got the rug and coatrack, too?”
She nodded, almost warily. “Um, also the pillows, throws, and other candles in the family room. But don’t worry, I paid for all that myself.”
He didn’t know what to say. She looked nervous, like she thought he was going to be mad or something. “You don’t have to do that. Tell me how much you spent, and I’ll give you cash for it.”
She didn’t say anything. “No, no. I insist. It’s stuff you never would have bought. I may have gotten a little carried away.”
He laughed. “I like all of it, but if you don’t tell me how much you spent, then I’m going to get it wrong. I have no idea how much this stuff costs. Seriously, I hope you kept receipts.”
She nodded. “I can always return stuff if you…” Her voice trailed off, and she blushed.
She probably thought he was broke. It was a fair assumption. No one really knew much about him. He was just some guy who’d worked on an oil rig with Jack. They’d all accomplished so much. Next to them, he didn’t look that great. His house was small and empty. He drove a nondescript truck. His entire wardrobe consisted of jeans, except for the dumb suit he’d had to purchase for Luke and Gwen’s wedding. Oh, and he had a baby with some woman who left an infant on a doorstep in the winter. That never would have happened to any of them.
He never really cared about proving himself because there had never been anyone he’d needed to impress. Until now. They had all gone to school, he was the only one who hadn’t. Maybe it was his own insecurities, but still. It bothered him that she pitied him or thought he couldn’t afford a few hundred dollars’ worth of purchases. If there was one thing that growing up with no money had taught him, it was that being broke sucked. So the minute he’d started full-time work, he’d saved. He’d lived below his means, always. “I can afford it, Haley. I don’t have financial issues.”
She nodded and smiled.
He hadn’t convinced her. He knew she and her brother were used to living with money. Her brother was a doctor. He had a feeling she’d been used to a pretty good lifestyle with her husband, because he knew enough to know that her clothes were designer, and her car was luxury. He’d done well for himself, though; he just had no need for more than what was in his house. He was good with numbers, always had been, and when he first started making significant money had taught himself how to invest. It hadn’t taken long before he’d grown a significant portfolio. It was laughable really; no one would ever know that about him. It was probably for the best. If Tess had known that, she’d have probably tried to take advantage of the situation.
She gave him a small smile. It was her pity smile. “Do you want a coffee with dinner?”
“No thanks, but after dinner I can make us a cup.”
She winced. “I might need to give you a tutorial,” she said, taking a bite of chili.
“Why?”
“I kind of changed up the coffee situation.”
He grinned and took a spoonful of the warm chili. He tried not to die. “This is the best thing I’ve ever eaten in my life,” he said, inhaling another spoonful. “I couldn’t care less what you’ve done to my coffee.”
She laughed. “Really?”
He nodded and proceeded to devour the rest of the bowl, but trying to remember not to look like a wild beast in the process. He ate. He ate everything. She was still finishing her first bowl of chili while he’d polished off two bowls and three biscuits. “You don’t have to cook like this for me.”
“It was easy. Do you want me to get coffee going?”
He frowned. “I’ll do it. You finish eating. Besides, I’m sure Rosie will be up soon.” He didn’t like thinking about the fact that when his daughter did wake up he had no idea what to do with her. He also had the new issue that just looking at her after yesterday made him feel even guiltier. “Just tell me what to do and I’ll make it,” he said, rising and taking his dishes to the dishwasher and loading it.
She gave a small laugh. “Okay. Fine. It’s super easy.”
“First, you boil water,” she said in a voice that was slightly bossy which he really liked. “Is that new, too?” he asked, pointing to the red kettle she had placed on the stovetop.
She blushed and nodded. “It was super cute, and you didn’t have a kettle. Okay, now scoop in six spoons of the freshly ground Ethiopian coffee.”
He did as instructed, trying not to laugh. “You had to mention it was freshly ground?”
“It’s really an art.”
“Sure.”
“Great. Before the water boils, fill up the carafe with the hot water, give it a stir, and put the lid on. Then set the timer for three minutes. Then slowly depress the plunger.”
He leaned against the counter and crossed his arms. “All that effort for a cup of coffee? Now I know why Keurig became so popular,” he grumbled.
She made a choking sound. “That’s not real coffee. Just wait until you drink this.”
He tilted his head. “Fine. We’ll see.”
If she wasn’t the woman he was supposed to not get involved with, he would have snatched her into his arms and kissed her. He realized how quickly he’d gotten used to seeing her in his house. All her things. Even all the stuff she’d bought today…he liked all of it. She was making it feel like home. She was making him feel like he was part of a family.
He stood there looking at her, feeling like a child for wishing for things that he knew didn’t really exist in the real world. Or maybe they did, just not for people like him. People like the Baileys, sure. Not for Connor. But Haley deserved more. She deserved another chance with a man who appreciated her for the kind-hearted woman she was.
The sound of Rosie crying broke the moment. He knew he should offer to get her. He knew he should at least express interest in seeing his daughter, but he held back. After his sleepless night of research, the thought of Rosie filled him with a guilt that immobilized him. The timer went off. “I’d better finish this coffee,” he said, happy for the excuse.
“Don’t screw it up,” she said over her shoulder. “Rosie is about to be up for hours, so I need my caffeine.”
He would have smiled, except she was already gone so he didn’t need to fake it. He poured two cups of the dark brew, the aroma teasing his senses. He took a sip, while the sound of Haley talking to Rosie softly stirred something inside him. Her voice was so comforting and gentle, and Rosie must have thought the same thing because her crying ceased.
He took another sip of the damn fine coffee and tried to reconcile what he was feeling, what he was wishing for. He hated wishing. Wishing wasn’t doing. Wishing was sitting around on your ass like a kid and dreaming about all the things that life owed you. But life didn’t owe him anything.
He was the only one who could make his dreams come true. He wasn’t wishing for himself, though, he was wishing for Rosie. He was wishing that Haley wouldn’t leave them.