Chapter Eight
Haley stared at the roaring fire, the orange flames crackling and popping and warming the room. Rosie was sleeping soundly, and Connor was working late. The house felt empty without him, and she missed him more than she could have imagined.
She’d never missed her husband like this. She’d been happy when he wasn’t home—even in the beginning, when things weren’t so bad, she’d felt almost relief when he wasn’t around. But Connor made her feel alive, safe, and she was always herself when he was around. He made her laugh. He made her believe in all those things she’d believed when she was growing up. He made her believe there were good guys out there, even though she got the distinct impression that he didn’t believe he was one of them. He was, though.
Anyone who stepped up and took in a baby that they weren’t even 100 percent sure was theirs was awesome. Add to that the fact that he already adored his baby and was trying to do his best for her, made her heart ache.
Last night she’d wanted him to kiss her, but she’d left before he could. But she’d wanted nothing more than to run into whatever it was he was offering her. She wanted to spend the night with him, to feel as alive and loved as she knew he would make her feel.
She looked over at the stack of neatly folded baby laundry on the sofa table and love filled her, just thinking of Rosie. How many little sleepers and onesies had she purchased when she’d found out she was pregnant? They’d all been for nothing. For no one. She stood and slowly unfolded a favorite pink velour sleeper and held it up to her nose, inhaling it, hoping for a hint of that precious baby smell. It was like she was trying to torture herself. She took a deep breath, hating that it came out shaky. But she gave in to the tears and wished impossible wishes. She stood there and cried, her head resting against the wood mantel, her hand clutching the sleeper. She wished she hadn’t lost her baby, her one gift. She wished she hadn’t gotten the diagnosis, the one that told her she’d never be a mom. She’d never have her own babies. She wished and she wished, and she stood there and cried for things that she had no control over. She had thought she’d recovered, that she’d put all this behind her, but it was all resurfacing. First with David’s call, then with Rosie and Connor and this connection the three of them had.
“Haley?”
She jumped at the sound of Connor’s deep voice. She hadn’t even heard him walk in. She quickly dropped the folded sleeper and tried to make it look as though she’d been folding laundry. She wiped her eyes with the edge of her robe and turned in his direction. He was standing in the doorway, looking like her comfort and her desire all wrapped in one. He was part of her dreams, her foolish dreams.
“I was on my way to bed.”
He shrugged out of his jacket and tossed it on the back of the sofa, walking toward her like a man on a mission. The look in his eyes was enough to make her want to forget everything and run to him. It was almost like he sensed that, because he stopped walking when he was just a few inches from her.
“Come here,” he said in a gruff voice that called to her, somewhere deep inside, and stirred up all the loneliness and fear she’d kept in check the last few years. He called out to that soft place inside that really wanted to lean on someone stronger, harder. He called out to her soul and her heart, the two places that she’d thought had been irrevocably damaged. But she didn’t move, she stood there, basking in the adoration she read in his eyes, the concern for her. She didn’t want to look away. She didn’t want to do anything that would take away this feeling of safety.
When she still didn’t move, he reached out, his large hand cupping the nape of her neck, slowly nudging her forward. Maybe it was the gentleness she felt from this tough man that made her cave. Or maybe it was the knowledge that he evoked feelings in her she’d never experienced. Maybe it was because he was the only man capable of making her revoke her no-man policy. She walked right into him, buried her face in the crook of his warm neck, shuddering as his arms wrapped around her. His chest was hard, his arms like steel as they held her close. She listened to the strong beating of his heart and let herself get lulled into the security he was offering her.
“Why were you crying?” he whispered against her head, his lips brushing against her hair.
“So many things. Sometimes I wish I could go back and start over. Make different choices. Sometimes I hate myself,” she said, shocking herself with the blatant honesty. He didn’t need this. He didn’t need her self-pity. She was going to change the subject.
He leaned back slowly, the look in his eyes making it impossible for her to think of something to change the subject with. Connor up close, with that protective glint in his eyes, took up all brain power. Her mouth was dry, and she was going to have to remember how breathing worked. “There are many things I wish I could go back and change. I learned a long time ago that you can’t take on the blame for someone else. If you’re talking about your ex, that’s on him, not you. You can’t take on guilt for him being an ass.”
His image was blurry again because his empathy was unexpected but also a soothing balm on wounds she thought would never heal. “I was stupid enough to marry someone like him. Luke warned me so many times, but he was perfect on the outside. He was the opposite of the dad that walked out on us. He came from a prestigious family, went to the best schools, hung out with the right circle… I thought I was making such a great life move. He was the man to raise a family with. I’d be providing my future kids with a dad that could offer them so much,” she said, her pathetic words demonstrating just how shallow, naive, and stupid she’d been.
His jaw clenched and he didn’t speak for a moment. She wondered what he thought of her now. Not as highly, for sure. She’d just described a man the complete opposite of him. And that was it, he was the opposite in so many ways, but Connor was his superior in all the ways that mattered. “You wanted the American Dream, the white picket fence, don’t apologize for that. You wanted what you thought was best for kids.”
“I was so wrong, Connor. I let myself get beaten down. I sold my soul for a taste of what it was like to live a privileged life. I lost everything because of him.”
“You’ve got to move on. Hell, I’ve made so many damn mistakes, Haley, and I’ve found along the way that if you learn from them, you grow. If you don’t, you’ll just keep repeating them. He’s to blame for the way he treated you. You trusted him—regardless of whether you did it for what you think are the right reasons. None of that absolves his part in your marriage.”
“When did you get so smart?” she whispered.
A corner of his mouth turned up slightly, but the look in his eyes didn’t match the smile. “I’ve just made my share of mistakes. I have regrets. What am I going to say to Rosie one day? Her mom didn’t want her. Her mom didn’t even tell me she was pregnant. Her mom… God, Haley, I don’t know what she did while she was pregnant. She wasn’t exactly the picture of maternal bliss. Want to know what keeps me up at night? Worry that I’m not going to be enough for that little girl, that we already screwed up her life before she was born.”
She shook her head. “You are enough,” she said, tears in her eyes again as she placed her hand on his heart. “I know you. In a weird way, I know you, Connor. I know the man inside. I know this heart. You’re a good man,” she said, her voice cracking.
He leaned down, his eyes shining. She held her breath as both of his hands came up to frame her face. He held her there, his rough hands achingly gentle as he slowly kissed her. He kissed her like he wanted to savor her like he had the cinnamon buns she’d made this morning. He kissed her like he didn’t want it to end.
She pushed aside all her thoughts, all her insecurities, and closed her eyes, closed her thoughts, and opened herself up to Connor. The moment she did, he pulled her in and she felt the hard length of him. She trembled as the kiss deepened and they stumbled across the room to the couch. She went down first, and just in case he had second thoughts about joining her, she took a handful of his shirt to make sure he followed her down. She smiled at his low chuckle as he resumed kissing her, his hard body covering hers. His right hand began trailing down her body while his mouth explored hers. She knew she had never experienced anything like this. There was no hiding from him, no fear, no shame.
Kissing him was all-consuming, life-giving. It restored her faith in men, in her dreams, in her desires.
“God, I’ve wanted to do this since I saw you at Luke and Gwen’s wedding,” he said roughly, his mouth moving from hers to her earlobe, then the underside, then down her neck. How he could even speak was beyond her.
“That’s weird. Not me. I was just thinking you were a gentleman.”
His head popped up and he was smiling. “You’re lying.”
She tugged on the nape of his neck. “You’re right. I thought you were the hottest man I’d ever met,” she whispered. He gave a sort of groaning laugh that sent vibrations through her entire body. The next thing she knew she was helping him take her robe and then T-shirt off. His gaze was appreciative, and she was relieved she’d worn her nice bra today instead of the sports bra. Underwire did amazing things.
“Your turn,” she said, grabbing the hem of his shirt. “You can’t leave me here half naked all by myself,” she said, trying not to be self-conscious.
“You should be fully naked,” he said, taking off his shirt in one motion, leaving his hard chest bare. She already knew he had a spectacular body. It was hard and ripped. The kind that came from hard work and physical labor rather than the kind that was produced from endless protein shakes and hours with a personal trainer. There was nothing vain or contrived about Connor. He was exactly who he said he was. So, even though she’d already seen and drooled over him without a shirt on, having him looming over her without said shirt was an entirely different experience. Because now she could touch. They were both breathing heavily, and it took a moment for the other sound in the room to register. They locked gazes, his forearms bracing either side of her.
Rosie. The angry cry was much louder the second time around.
He ducked his head and groaned. “That’s great timing,” he said, his voice thick as he rolled off her.
She could have cried. “I’ll go,” she said.
He was already across the room. “I’ll go. I haven’t seen her all day,” he said. His words warmed her heart, made her want him even more.
…
“So how are things with Haley?”
Connor paused for a moment at Jack’s question then continued installing the kitchen cabinet in the home they were renovating. “Fine.” Fine probably wasn’t the best adjective. Maybe awkward was better, considering she was now avoiding him like the plague. Two nights ago, he’d thought he’d broken down her barriers, but the next morning they were back up. The minute he’d try to bring it up, she’d change the subject. Of course, it didn’t help that he was barely at home because they were behind on this current renovation.
“You guys seem like a family.”
“Lily getting you to watch Hallmark Christmas movies again?”
“No, I told her if I had to watch another one I’d shoot myself.”
Connor laughed, knowing that was bull because he’d bet ten bucks if Lily asked him, Jack would. “Sure, sure.”
“Is there something going on between the two of you?”
He put his drill down and stared at his friend, who was leaning against the freshly installed drywall. “Why do you care?”
“I like to be in the know, so that I don’t get my news from Gwen who loves lording it over me.”
He grinned. “Fine. Nothing happening.”
“But you want something to happen.”
He shrugged. “I don’t really think it would be a good move.”
“Why? Like Rosie’s mother was a good move?”
He shot him a look. “Is there a point to this conversation?”
“I think if you like Haley, you should go for it.”
“So what if I like her? It doesn’t mean something should happen. I’m not the right guy for her, Jack. Her brother’s a doctor. Her ex is some wealthy moron. What the hell am I? I didn’t even finish high school.”
“I’m not really one for pep talks and crap, but none of that stuff matters. Luke isn’t really what he seems. They aren’t stuck up.”
“Doesn’t matter, I’m still not that kind of guy.”
“So what? You’re just not going to see if it will work?”
“She also has some serious baggage. Like I think her ex did a number on her.”
Jack nodded. “I know he did. When she first showed up in town she looked like a ghost. Thin as a rail and scared looking.”
His stomach twisted and he clenched his teeth. He hated hearing that. He hated thinking there was a point in her life she was afraid of anything. “Even worse than I thought.”
“You’re not going to date her because she has baggage?”
He swore. “No, I mean that I don’t think she wants to get involved with anyone.”
“You two have had sparks flying between you since the night you met. Now she’s looking after Rosie, living in your house, and you’re telling me nothing’s going to happen?”
He pictured Haley in her pajamas looking sexy and rumpled in the mornings and how many times he’d seen her like that, wishing she’d come out of his bed with him in it. He cleared his throat. “We’re keeping things PG.”
“Did you tell her about the Shadow Creek Women’s Shelter?”
“Uh, no, and you aren’t either,” he said, taking a sip of takeout coffee.
“What’s the big deal about keeping it quiet?”
He shrugged. “A few reasons I guess. First, my lawyer told me to keep it quiet in case Tess gets wind of it and wants money from me. Second…I don’t want Haley thinking I’m trying to impress her. I spent time in one of those places. I know they need help. Your mom told me it was bursting at the seams. They could use the money and they could use the new kitchen we’re going to build them.”
“I swear, Connor, when I first met you I thought you were a thug.”
“Thanks. So glad we were able to keep our friendship.”
“Just wait,” Jack said, holding up a hammer. “Besides the fact that you needed a shower, a shave, and possibly one or two tattoos removed, I knew you were a good guy. I’ll never forget how you bailed me out, man.”
Connor looked away from him for a second, uncomfortable feelings rushing through him. They’d both come a long way. “I like you better when you’re not talking about your feelings for me.”
Jack flipped him the finger. “I wasn’t. I was just saying you’re not an ass.”
“That’s great. Real mature.”
“Speaking of Tess, have you heard from her?”
He cleared his throat. ”Yeah, actually. She’ll relinquish all her rights. She doesn’t want Rosie.”
Jack gave a low whistle, shaking his head. “I can’t even imagine. But you’ll make a good dad.”
He shot his friend a look of gratitude. “I have no idea what the hell I’m doing, man.”
“That’s okay. I don’t know anything, either, but I’m learning. I guess it’s good enough for our kids to know that they are loved. They have a roof over their heads. Food.”
“Yeah. I want to give her everything, you know?”
Jack nodded. “I get it. Well, if you want her to have a family, you and Haley…”
He groaned. “You’re worse than your mother.”
“My mother is a saint.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. But I can’t make Haley want something.”
“Ten bucks says the two of you will be together by Rosie’s first birthday.”