Chapter Thirteen
Haley stood on Connor’s doorstep and waited. She could go in, she had a key. But after…what happened it didn’t feel right to just walk in as though she lived here anymore. She couldn’t imagine what he thought of her. Probably that she was a hot mess and that he and Rosie were better off without her. She couldn’t blame him. She pulled the collar of her coat up a little higher as the cold wind blew a dusting of snow around her.
She frowned when another minute went by and there was no answer. Connor’s truck was in the driveway and the lights were on inside. She knocked again and tried not to panic at the thought that maybe he wasn’t answering because it was her.
A moment later the door swung open and she swallowed her gasp at the sight in front of her; Connor was standing there with bloodshot eyes, stubble a few days old, a T-shirt smattered with formula stains. He was wearing those worn jeans that hugged the lean lines of his hips and legs. He was mouthwatering. He was holding the door with one hand and Rosie in the other. Her gaze went back and forth between the two nervously. “Um, hi,” she finally managed.
He looked beyond her, and her heart sank. He wasn’t pleased she was here at all. She turned as she heard tires crunching against the snow.
“It’s Luigi’s,” he said, pulling a twenty out of his back pocket. She tried to ignore how good he looked, even in his bedraggled state.
A young man ran up the walkway, his car still running, holding a pizza warming bag in one hand. “Hi, Connor. Got the usual for you,” he said, sliding out a large box.
Connor slipped him the twenty and grabbed the box. “Thanks, see ya.”
“You bet!” the kid said as he ran back down the walkway.
“You should probably come in. The pizza is going to get cold fast out here.”
She forced a smile and walked through the door, resisting the urge to reach out and kiss him and then grab Rosie. She stifled her gasp as she walked into the house. There were piles of laundry and receiving blankets strewn all over the couches. Empty pizza boxes were on the counters. A dozen or so baby bottles in the sink…and the Keurig was back out, with boxes of coffee pods beside it. “How…are you?” Her voice sounded stiff. She felt awkward.
He sighed and leaned against the counter. “How do I look, Haley?”
She swallowed. “Well…Rosie looks good,” she said, forcing a polite smile.
She was relieved when his lips twitched and she caught a sparkle in his eyes. “I’ve managed to keep her alive for three days, so I guess that’s winning.”
“That’s…great. You’re a great father. A good man,” she whispered. She needed to get it out. She needed to tell him how she felt about him, how wrong she’d been. “I was wrong. I’m sorry. I was reacting to what happened. I know you’d never hurt me. I just needed to separate what happened with David and you. I…started going to a group therapy meeting at the women’s shelter. I’m going to start volunteering there with Mrs. Bailey.”
He ran a hand over his jaw and she didn’t know what he was thinking. The last few days with Gwen and Luke had been cathartic for her. When he didn’t say anything, she continued. “I thought in my year away from him that I had healed. I thought my issues were with David. Turns out, they aren’t magically going to disappear, so I think therapy is the right thing. I have a long road ahead…” She blinked back tears furiously and she forced the truth from her lips, knowing he needed to hear everything. “But I don’t want to travel that road alone. I don’t want to lose you. I want you and Rosie by my side. I want to learn how to lean on you. I can’t do it by myself. I want to be here, if you’ll have me back.”
…
Connor couldn’t stand still any longer. He crossed the distance between them and gently wrapped one arm around her, relief flooding him when she let him. She clung to him, like he was her lifeline. He stroked her hair and whispered as many words of reassurance as he could. Rosie made a noise and she pulled back slightly to look at her, the longing in her eyes making him hurt.
He handed Rosie over to her and she hugged her tight, squeezing her eyes shut.
“So you’re speaking to me?” she asked, holding Rosie still.
“Haley, I told you the other night. I love you, and I don’t want to live without you.”
Her mouth dropped open and her eyes glistened. “I love you, too,” she whispered, her words, the emotion in them, touching him inside. All these soft places he never knew existed in him. They reminded him of when he was little, of the times when he’d felt unconditional love. It had been a long, long wait to feel that again.
He cupped her soft face with his hands. “I love you in ways I didn’t know was possible. You gave me the direction to go in. You showed me I was capable. There isn’t an inch of me that isn’t damaged or scarred. I came to you completely inadequate and unworthy, but I’m not the same guy. I’m not that guy who found his baby on his doorstep. I don’t know how, I don’t know why, but I was given two amazing chances to become so much more than I ever thought I could be: you and Rosie. You’re my girls, and you’ve healed every damaged part of me. You’re the woman I’ve always wanted. You’re the woman that makes me the man I want to be. You are perfect. In all the ways you think you are imperfect, you are perfect for me.”
She was crying when she leaned forward and kissed him.
“Babies?” she whispered.
He framed her face with her hands. “I thought I was going to kill him when he said that. You are not some vessel whose only purpose is to bring children into the world.”
“I know…I know that on a rational level, but I can’t help feeling inferior. I can’t help feeling like I’m the one who would screw up our future,” she whispered. “But you’re going to want more kids.”
“Thanks for telling me what I’m going to want in the future. I know when I’ve got it good. You and Rosie are all I need. Hell, I didn’t ever plan on becoming a dad. Life had other plans for me, so here I am. I love that little girl more than anything, but I’m not going to go from not even having kids on the radar to wanting a giant brood of them. Look at me, despite my status as genius I’m incapable of multi-tasking with a baby. I can barely warm a bottle and call for pizza delivery. I can’t make coffee unless it’s in pod form, and I swear to God I have no idea how you’re able to take Rosie out of that tub thing without her slipping out of your hands. I almost dropped my own child. The constant bottle washing. I had to order more bottles off Amazon Prime because I couldn’t keep up. We now have a three-day supply of bottles. I don’t know how you’re capable of running this place. I will never take that for granted.”
…
Haley shut her eyes, half laughing, half crying at his words, not really believing any of this was happening.
He made sense.
He sounded sure.
It was good male logic, but he didn’t know how it really worked. How the feeling could just suddenly be there one day when you looked at another family, or maybe wanting Rosie to have a sibling. And then what? She wouldn’t be able to give him that.
“I can see you’re still arguing with me inside your head. Haley, I want you and Rosie. That’s it. That will be more than enough for me, and I will consider myself the luckiest man on earth.”
She blinked back tears and crossed her arms in front of her. “You’ll never be able to change your mind,” she whispered.
“You know what I think, babe?” This time when he spoke, his voice was soft and the anger was gone. He rubbed his thumb across her cheekbone. “I think you want a baby so badly and you’re putting it on me. You want to be pregnant, to have that baby inside, to give birth to him or her.”
When a sob broke he pulled her against his chest and she held on for dear life. She hated how he knew her so well, how he could cut out all the bull and speak the truth, no matter how painful it was. “I’m sorry that it sucks, I’m sorry you’ll never experience that. Life isn’t fair, so many times. But you’ve got my little girl. You don’t need the same blood to make her your own. You’ve been more of a mother to her than her biological one. You can’t tell me that you’d love another kid more than her. Let her be enough.”
She struggled to hold it together and clutched a fistful of his shirt. “You know Rosie is enough. You know I see her as my own, and maybe that’s what’s so painful if we don’t work, then I’d have to give her up to.”
“I want you, today, I want you by my side forever. I don’t know how I managed to get you in my life. You are so beyond what I ever thought was in my future. I will spend the rest of my life showing you how grateful I am to have you in my life. And my little girl—you became her mom. She had no one in the world when she was dropped off on the doorstep that day. You stepped up and gave her what she needed. She is so lucky to have you. I want us to be a family. I want us to do all the cheesy things you like at that winter carnival thing. I actually want to do that again next year.”
She laughed and buried her face in his chest. It was so much to process. Everything he was saying was a dream come true. He was giving her the family she always wanted. He was giving her himself, the kind of man she’d only dreamed about. He was everything.
He smiled. “I’m trying, Haley. God knows I’m trying. I will do anything. I’ve got you, forever, if you’ll have me. I love you.”
Her eyes filled with tears and she grabbed a fistful of his shirt, pulling him in closer, exactly where he needed to be. “Thank you. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for loving me as I am.”
His own eyes felt watery as he leaned down close. “You are perfect,” he whispered.