Chapter Three
Connor had been in hellish situations before, but nothing had prepared him for the sound of a baby’s continuous cry deep into the night.
This baby never slept. Ever. Well, it felt like it anyway. This was only night two. He had just fallen asleep five minutes ago. He’d thought Rosie had as well. He had no idea how the heck she was awake again. Before he could open his eyes, he heard Haley tiptoeing across the family room.
“I’m awake,” he said, sitting up.
This whole Haley-in-his-house situation was another issue. It was one thing to want a woman and not have to worry about acting on it because it wouldn’t ever go anywhere. But having said woman in his house, sleeping close by, wearing cute little T-shirts, at night, was a whole other story. Also, the other thing he hadn’t counted on was how much he liked the way she spoke to Rosie.
It was hard referring to Rosie as his daughter. Sure, he wasn’t in denial. He knew who she was. But he couldn’t think of himself as a father. He just thought of her as Baby Rosie. Right now, she was crying so loud he didn’t think he remembered what quiet sounded like.
“Shhh, Rosie. It’s okay.” Haley crossed the family room and walked into the kitchen and nestled her against her chest, her little face against Haley’s neck. Haley walked around the room, one hand making a circular motion on Rosie’s back with a little tap every two circles or so. He felt like he should take notes because a few minutes later a very loud belch erupted from a very little baby. They both laughed.
“Let’s hope that’s all that was bothering her,” Haley whispered. “I had come in here to get a pacifier, but I think we might be good now.”
He gave a nod. “I changed her after she ate. But I didn’t hear a burp.”
Haley nodded, a lock of light brown hair falling over her shoulder. “The burp is a must,” she said with a soft smile. He had no idea how she handled all this so calmly. It was like she’d raised a bunch of kids before. She gave Rosie a kiss on her bald head and continued rubbing her back.
Haley stood in the dark room and they stared at each other, listening to all sorts of gurgling from Rosie. In some weird way, he found the sounds…sweet…also terrifying. He had no idea what to do with a baby. “I think she’s settling down,” Haley whispered.
Even though the room was dark, the moonlight shone through the window and seemed to highlight everything he wasn’t supposed to notice about her. Kind of like a sick joke from the universe. Her clothes weren’t exactly revealing—they were baggy—but there was no hiding what he already knew was a gorgeous figure. Her smile was what always got him though—her smile and her eyes. She had a warmth and a sweetness about her that seemed to beckon him. It wasn’t usually the traits he looked for in a woman, and yet now he couldn’t seem to get enough. Of her.
Every week, as Sunday approached, he’d get happier and happier, knowing he’d see her at the Baileys. They hadn’t even had a real conversation, except for the night of Gwen and Luke’s wedding. He now knew that night had been brought on by loneliness and alcohol, because she had never shared anything personal about herself again. If anything, she’d distanced herself from him. He knew she’d been married before. He knew her husband had been a douche. He’d gathered enough information to piece together that Haley had walked away from the marriage. She had a kindness that couldn’t be faked. She fit in with the Baileys. He didn’t.
“You can go back to bed. I can watch her if you’re wiped,” he said. The fact that he’d given her his bed was kind of like sweet torture.
“You do remember that you’re paying me to be her nanny, right? You have to wake up at five for work. I think she’s settling. She has to sleep at some point during her first year of life,” she said with a laugh.
He chuckled. “Here’s hoping.” Except he felt bad. He also wanted to be close to Rosie, even though he wouldn’t know what to do if she needed something, but still. “I guess I feel like I should be doing something for her.”
Tears appeared in Haley’s eyes, and he had no idea why. She sat in the armchair across from him, and looked at him like he was a saint. He shifted on the couch; that expression made him uncomfortable.
“That is so sweet,” she whispered, a little sniffle at the end.
He ran a hand through his hair. “I want to make sure I know her. Tomorrow I’ve got to be at work because Jack and I are starting a new house, and I can’t bail.”
She waved a hand. “It’s okay. I’ll spend tomorrow really getting everything settled around here. As soon as you get home you can spend the whole evening with her. And we have the appointment with Luke. I’ll be fine doing the night shift. You need your sleep. It’s already going to suck because you’re on the couch.”
He stood. “You sure you’re okay with her? Call me if you need anything…not that I’ll know what to do.”
She laughed, and he smiled. “I promise.”
He walked over to her when she stood, smiling as he looked at the little baby finally sleeping so soundly. She was wearing light pink, fuzzy pajamas with attached feet that Haley had picked out. It was cute. He followed her into the bedroom, watching as she placed Rosie on her back in the little bassinet.
“Okay, good night,” he said, glancing from her to Rosie. “If you’re sure you can do this without help.”
“I’m totally okay with waking up with her. You’re going to be exhausted tomorrow. Go sleep.”
He gave her a little salute and then peeked in the bassinet again. “Good night, then,” he said as he walked out of the room.
…
“So?”
Haley looked up from feeding Rosie her bottle to Gwen who was sitting across from her at Connor’s kitchen table, sipping a cup of takeout coffee from her shop, the Chocolatiers. “So, what?”
Gwen rolled her eyes. “How’s it living with Connor?”
Haley tried to look like it wasn’t a big deal. Judging by the glint in Gwen’s eyes and the barely contained smile, her sister-in-law already knew better.
“I hardly see him. The night he found Rosie we went straight to Walmart. We set up the basics. Then he woke up at five, showered, and was gone. Same thing this morning.”
Gwen leaned forward and grasped her forearm. “Where did he sleep?”
Haley rolled her eyes. “On the couch.”
Gwen gave a nod and released her arm. “Of course, of course. Was he fully clothed?”
Haley put down the empty bottle and patted the little droplets of formula from Rosie’s mouth. She kept her face downturned a bit longer than necessary, because just the mention of Connor and what he was or wasn’t wearing was sending heat through her body.
Of course she’d been attracted to him the moment she met him—because there was no woman on the planet who wouldn’t find him attractive. That had been before, when he’d been fully clothed. That had also been before she’d seen him with a baby. The entire thing was overload. Very aware that Gwen was watching her closely, she carefully lifted Rosie so that she was tucked against her and then began walking the room, patting Rosie’s back. “I can’t really remember what he was wearing.” Lies. All lies. The man hadn’t been wearing a shirt, and she memorized every exposed, hard, ripped, tattooed inch like some teenage groupie.
Gwen choked on her coffee. “Seriously, Haley. You and I both know that’s not true. No reason to hide. Your brother isn’t here, and you know I wouldn’t say a thing. Well, I have been working on him. Poor Luke, he worries about you, you know.”
Haley groaned as she circled the kitchen table. “I know, I know. I wish I had never called him the night I left David. It was such a moment of weakness.”
“Hey, Luke loves that he can be there for you. And he loves that you’re in Shadow Creek and that your life is back on track. He just doesn’t want to see you hurt again. I think he sees Connor as somewhat of a risk. Up until now, no one knew anything about him except that he worked on an oil rig with Jack. Connor isn’t exactly the warm and fuzzy type.”
“Yeah, I’ll admit when you first meet him he doesn’t exactly give off that vibe, but he’s a big sweetheart.” She stopped when she realized she let out a giant sigh. Like the pre-twenty-first century Disney Princess kind of sigh.
“Interesting. How so? You know, so I can pass along the info to your brother.”
Haley smiled and walked back over to the family room. “First off—the way he is with little Rosie. It’s adorable. He’s so tough on the outside, but he’s kind of afraid to even hold her. He’s so gentle with her I almost feel like crying when I watch. He’s also conflicted, I can tell. Like, he’s desperate to do the right thing, but it’s like this bomb has been dropped on him, and he can’t really process it yet. I mean, she’s barely been here forty-eight hours.”
She stopped speaking abruptly when she felt her throat close up. What was wrong with her? She knew. Connor was the exact opposite of the man she’d been married to, in every way. On the outside, her ex had looked like the guy to bet on—wealthy, educated, good family, clean-shaven, clean-cut. On the inside…well, there was no heart of gold. She’d found that out the hard way, bit by bit, so at first, she hadn’t even noticed. Then, before she could even realize, he’d changed her.
Well, she’d allowed herself to be changed, to be treated like she was garbage. But she did pride herself on walking away before it was too late, before he’d changed her so much that it would have taken years to get back to the woman she was before she met him. Not that that could ever really happen, though; she could never go back to being that naive. It was a good thing, maybe. She had learned a lot. She had learned how strong she could really be.
“That’s sweet,” Gwen said, smiling at her.
“It is. He is.”
“So this turned out to be a great job before you start teaching in the fall.”
She didn’t want to think about having to leave any of them. She had to stay detached. Rosie was just a baby she was temporarily caring for. At the end of this, Rosie would not be hers. Somehow she had to remember that the adorable little girl in her arms would never be more than Connor’s daughter. That was scary. Maybe there was something wrong with her. She should know not to get attached. She should know that no part of this situation was going to last. One day, she was going to walk out the door and leave the two of them. In a few months, she’d be in another state, regaining the independence she’d lost. “Yeah.”
“When are you going to see Luke?”
“Today. Connor is coming home early from work and we’re taking her in to the hospital. Luke said he’ll set us up with a pediatrician, too. He’d better behave,” she added.
Gwen took a sip of coffee. “I think I’ve lectured him enough for at least your next three encounters.”
Haley laughed even though she was slightly nervous about Luke and Connor in the same room with her. Whatever. Connor was an adult, he could defend himself. It’s not like there was anything happening anyway. They’d barely even had a real conversation. Certainly not one that didn’t revolve around the baby.
“And don’t forget we have the winter carnival coming up. I know last year we didn’t go, but this year you should. That would be great for the three of you to attend,” Gwen said, putting down her coffee.
Haley tried not to scoff so loud that she woke Rosie. “Seriously. A family carnival. Where do you come up with this stuff? We aren’t a family.”
Gwen frowned at her. “All in due time, my dear, all in due time,” she said, patting her hand.
She had no idea how Luke kept up with Gwen. The woman must run circles around her poor brother. “Remember, we’re not a couple.”
“Don’t be closed off to opportunities that might present themselves,” she said with a sly smile.
“Okay fine, but still. Gwen…I can’t let anything happen with Connor. Even if I wanted to. Getting involved with him—or anyone—is not something I want. I don’t want to be tied down to a man, I don’t want the complications. I want simplicity.”
Gwen leaned forward. “I know…I mean, I don’t know all the details about your ex-husband. All I know is that you ran from him. Every time Luke mentions him, he gets all crazy looking. I also know that being alone for the rest of your life isn’t going to make your past not exist. It will always be a part of you. Just like my brother and nephew—no matter what, whether I’d chosen to stay alone, I still wouldn’t have been able to change what happened. You can either sit on the sidelines, afraid to try, afraid to love, afraid to be vulnerable, you can do that, but it still won’t change what’s happened. So you might as well try and live. The best life you can live.”
As she spoke, Gwen reached across the table and handed her a tissue. “Wow, you should be a motivational speaker or something.”
Gwen’s eyes were glossy, but she managed a smile. “I hand out advice at the coffee shop. Your brother and I had a lot of discussions about this as well. Less now,” she said softly.
“You’ve been so good for him, Gwen. I don’t think I ever saw him this happy. After that accident, I didn’t think he’d ever smile again. But you changed him. Your whole family.”
“I love your brother more than I knew I even could. I…he changed me, too. It was mutual. But if you really think about it, if he hadn’t let me in, if he had just wallowed in the tragedies, we wouldn’t be together.”
“He was headed down a dangerous path. I was so worried for him, but I feel like I was so self-absorbed, so self-involved,” she said, breaking her gaze from Gwen’s. Since coming to Shadow Creek she hadn’t really talked about her marriage or what she’d been through. She’d wanted it behind her. Sure, her brother was there for her, but she didn’t want to burden him with the details and ruin the happiness and peace he’d finally found. What was the point in looking back anyway?
But every now and then she’d be doing something and pause as her ex’s voice would pop into her head…you’re worthless…a pathetic excuse for a woman…total trash…you’re lucky I even look at you…and then she’d have to stop and take some deep breaths, try to shake off the feeling, the heaviness, the regrets. How could she have stayed with him so long? How could she have let herself be treated like that? She knew better than that. She had seen movies and shows with abusive husbands, how did she become one of them? She was educated, she had a support base, she had a job…maybe it was because he was there on her darkest days and had taken her vulnerability, her deepest holes, and used it against her.
“Hey, you okay? Luke doesn’t blame you. You weren’t self-absorbed, you were living your own nightmare and trying to survive. He blames himself. I’m sorry. I know I’m kind of like a tornado when I get going. I love you like a sister,” Gwen said softly. “I want to see you happy.”
Haley blinked until she could refocus on the room and her sister-in-law who was now staring at her, the worry in her eyes obvious. She wanted to confide in Gwen, but if she told her, there was the risk that she’d tell Luke. Sure, she’d told Luke some of what happened, but not everything. Some of it was too personal, too embarrassing. She forced the memories down; she didn’t need to confide in anyone. She could keep on going the way she was. There was no need to look back. This was her new life. She was safe here. “I feel the same way about you,” she whispered, hating that she couldn’t just throw around the word love anymore. But her ex had tossed it around like a dirty washcloth. He’d ruined the word. He’d manipulated it until it had become something filthy. “I’m totally fine,” she said, forcing a smile. “Why don’t we talk about something more interesting, like you and Luke?”
“I know what you’re doing, because your brother does the exact same thing,” Gwen said with a frown. “But, I’ll let you off the hook because I hate being one of those people that prods and prods.”
“No, you’re not one of those people. Honestly, I’m not mad at all. But how are you guys?”
Gwen smiled, but she could tell it was slightly forced. “We’re good. I think the whole baby bonanza in the Bailey house has brought up some issues for Luke.”
“Ugh, so hard,” Haley said, running her hands through her hair. She hated what happened to her brother and his wife. He hardly ever talked about it, and he never really opened up enough about it.
“It is. It will never go away, he’ll never be able to put it completely behind him, just like Julia won’t. But anyway, all that to say, I think we’re kind of moving toward maybe trying for a baby,” she said, her eyes sparkling.
A stab of pain along with a jolt of elation worked their way through her. Then she was filled with shame. How on earth, after everything they’d been through, could she feel pain or jealousy? It was disgusting. She would rather die than ever let on that she was still hurting or grieving the loss of her babies, or the possibility of having her own children. It wasn’t fair. She reached across the table and hugged Gwen until they both cried.
“We’re not there yet,” Gwen said, pulling back and wiping her eyes with a napkin. “So not there yet, but maybe we’ll…not stop a pregnancy from happening if it happens.”
“That’s a perfect plan. It’ll give Luke time to adjust, and I know him. When you do get pregnant, he’s going to do everything and be everything you need. He will put his own fears aside, and he’ll be there for you,” she said, loving that she could say that about her brother. He was one of the most caring people she’d ever known.
The door opened, and Connor walked in. They both quickly wiped their teary eyes and smiled at him. And right on cue, her stomach flip-flopped a few times at the sight of him. “Hi, Haley, Gwen,” he said, hanging up his jacket, staring at them a second longer. No doubt he thought they were crazy.
“Wow, is it that late already? I’d better get back to town,” Gwen said, standing and then blowing her nose.
“I’m home early. I want to shower and change before we go to the hospital,” he said, giving them a small smile and then leaving the room.
Gwen turned to her and she could swear her sister-in-law’s eyes looked like heart emojis. “That is the cutest thing ever. He’s nervous,” she whispered as she got her coat on. “Also, I’ll keep working on Luke for you.”
Haley laughed. “Thanks.”
…
Connor opened the washroom door, feeling slightly better now that he’d showered. Judging by the lack of chatter in the house, he assumed Gwen was gone. He didn’t really know what to do or say. This whole situation was straight off a television show. Not that he watched TV. Precisely for these reasons—because what were the odds some woman would just drop off a baby at her ex’s? Well, real life was stranger than fiction. Again, something else he didn’t really do—he never read fiction. He devoured all nonfiction. But he didn’t think he’d have the time for any of that in the next few months.
He paused in the doorway for a moment, taking in the sight of Haley with his daughter. He didn’t want to break the moment. The last forty-eight hours he’d been battered by relentless emotions and thoughts. How could this have happened? How could he have screwed up this badly? Then the whole fatherhood thing plagued him. He didn’t know how to be a dad. He didn’t know the first thing about caring for another human being, let alone a tiny little girl. He could barely hold her without worrying he was going to do something stupid.
Then there was his nanny—Haley. How the hell he ended up having the one woman in Shadow Creek who was off-limits to him as his live-in nanny was beyond him. She’d be in another state in a few months. She made it clear her career was important to her and she was willing to leave her family to pursue teaching. He respected that. He was also not the kind of guy Haley would want. “Ready to go?” His plan was to keep things as impersonal as possible.
She nodded, twisting her light brown hair around and then securing it up to the back of her head with a clip that seemed to appear out of nowhere. “Yes, Rosie is changed and all bundled up.”
He ignored the wave of insecurity. He had no idea what he was doing, and Luke seemed to be ready to call him on it. They were also going to get the paternity test done. He wasn’t nervous about it because he knew she was his. He just knew.
He put his jacket on and waited by the door for Haley. He forced himself to look away from the enticing picture she made. Even though she was wearing jeans and a plain black sweater, she was gorgeous. Looking away was his best shot at keeping things platonic between them. He took the carrier from her and she shot him a grateful smile that seemed to light up his insides. She had that effect on him. Right from the first moment he met her.
“Thanks,” she said, slipping on her gloves and then stepping out onto the small porch. She swung a large purse over her shoulder. “I have no idea why that thing has to weigh a ton. Rosie is so tiny!”
He smiled as he locked up. “I know. I had no idea. What’s in the bag?”
“Everything. Bottle, formula, change of clothes, diapers, wipes, pacifier. You know, the essentials,” she said with a cute smile. He took the bag, the carrier, and started walking.
“Thanks, I can help you know,” she said, walking beside him to the truck.
“You lug her around all day. No problem.”
Once Rosie was settled in the backseat, he pulled out onto the quiet two-lane road that led to the small rural hospital on the outskirts of Shadow Creek.
“I feel I should prepare you in case my brother is less than friendly.”
He tried not to smirk. He didn’t need Luke to like him. Luke sensed things about him, and he was probably right on most. “Don’t worry about it. I don’t need him to be my friend. It’s nice of him to do this. I’m appreciative.”
“He means well. He’s kind of overprotective,” she said, the hesitation in her voice making him glance over at her. Not your business, Connor. Don’t get involved.
“Well, he has nothing to worry about. You’re just working for me—oh, speaking of which, here,” he said, pulling an envelope out of the armrest.
“What’s this?” she asked.
“Pay for two weeks. I know we discussed an amount, but I didn’t think you were asking enough, and Lily did some digging around for me and found a rate I was more comfortable with. So that’s cash for the next two weeks.”
“But I didn’t even work three days yet!”
“You helped me out when I was in a bind, no notice or anything. You packed your bags and moved in. Paying you in advance seems fair.”
There was a long pause. “Thank you,” she said.
He pulled into the parking lot and found a spot not that far from the main entrance. “It’s amazing to me how Rosie can go from crying to completely quiet,” he said, looking in the backseat.
Haley laughed, and he smiled at the sound. “I know. Such extremes. I hope she holds out for a while. We have about an hour before she’s going to want to eat again.”
“She’s like a ticking time bomb.”
“Yup,” she said as they got out of the car and made their way to the hospital. Haley led the way, and a few minutes later they were standing outside a small office.
“Hey, stop sleeping on the job,” Haley said as she walked into the small space. His head sprung up from the desk, and he ran a hand down his face. He looked like hell.
“Sorry, long day,” he said with a laugh. “Hi, Connor,” he added with a nod.
“Thanks for seeing us.”
“No problem,” Luke said, rounding the corner of his desk. “Why don’t you get Rosie undressed down to her diaper and we’ll start the checkup. Oh, before I forget”—he took a business card off his desk and handed it to Connor—“this is the pediatrician. The first appointment is booked for two weeks from now. If that date isn’t good, call and reschedule.”
“Okay, here she is. Isn’t she a cutie patootie?” He couldn’t help but grin as Haley held up Rosie in her little diaper. He’d never been one to notice babies or anything, but if he were, he’d say she ranked right up there as the cutest.
Her brother shot her a look Connor couldn’t quite figure out as he reached for Rosie. To his credit, Luke was gentle and seemed comfortable holding her and making sure she was happy. “I’ll get her weight, do a quick physical exam, and some reflex tests,” Luke said, placing her on a tabletop scale, his hands hovering over her as he looked at the display. Rosie started crying and Luke scooped her up, talking to her as he proceeded to do a bunch of tests while he and Haley stood side by side. He asked for help just to make sure she didn’t slide off the exam table when he was measuring her. She stared up at him when he measured her head and Haley beamed down at her.
“Okay, we’re good,” Luke said finally, taking his chart to his desk. He handed Rosie over to him when he was finished, and Haley helped him get her clothes back on while Luke sat at his desk, inputting things into his computer. Once they had her dressed again, Haley took Rosie and cradled her as they sat down. “Luke, no need to be so mysterious. How’s Rosie?” Haley asked.
Luke turned to them, rolling his eyes at his sister. “I’m not being mysterious. She’s fine. Perfectly healthy. A little underweight, but I think after a few weeks in your care that’ll adjust. Her reflexes are fine, her eyes—everything checked out. We don’t know anything about the pregnancy, do we?”
Connor clenched his teeth and shook his head.
Luke gave a nod and glanced at his sister, then back to Connor. “Is there any possibility that her birth mother would have been drinking or using any kind of narcotics while pregnant?”
The room went silent and the heavy weight of his past left him filled with shame and without words for a moment. He had a daughter and he wasn’t even listed as her father on her birth certificate, a mother who abandoned her and could have possibly been drinking while pregnant. If there was any permanent damage to Rosie, he’d never be able to forgive himself. Not that he was the praying type, but it might be a good time to start. He glanced over at Haley for a moment and wished he hadn’t as he spotted the sadness in her eyes. He looked back at Luke, whose gaze was hard and unrelenting.
“Alcohol might have been an issue, but I’m not sure. Do you think it’s a problem? I’ve tried calling Tess repeatedly, but she’s not taking my calls. I don’t know where she lives now.”
Luke ran a hand over his mouth and leaned back in his swivel chair. “There’s no quick and easy test to confirm, and you may not know for years. Right now, I’d say she looks perfect. Her size, like I said, is a little small, but her head circumference is where it should be based on her height and weight, so that’s a good sign. All her reflexes are perfect. No facial indications that there might be something wrong.”
“Do you think she’s fine?” Haley said, the worry in her voice obvious.
Luke gave a nod. “Yes. But, like I said, I can’t say one hundred percent she is. If it was severe, we would know. The pediatrician I recommended is top notch, I know her personally. She’s going to be head of the new maternity/pediatrics ward in the hospital addition next year. She’ll see you, even without the paternity results.”
Connor stared down at his hands on his jeans, hating himself. “Thank you. I can do the paternity test today, right?”
Luke nodded, standing. “Yeah, follow me and we’ll get that done, too.”
Connor swallowed down the fear at the thought of there being something wrong with Rosie, and stood, shaking Luke’s hand. “Thanks for everything. I appreciate it.”
Luke tightened his grasp for a moment. “You’re welcome.”