Chapter Seventeen
Secrets and Lies
“I didn’t write this.” I said quietly. Silent fury bubbled inside of me and I struggled to contain it. No! No! No! You can’t have him back. You can’t!
“Naomi, of course you did bella. It’s your manuscript. Baby, why are you writing things about me seeing another woman? It’s a strange thing to do and a little upsetting if I’m honest. Is there something going on you’re not telling me? Does it have anything to do with my accident?”
“What? No, of course not. What are you talking about?”
“Well…” Joe shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “When I was having those out of body experiences, I saw a little of your writing one time when you were asleep. The night your sister stayed here after your father had passed.”
“That, was you? You knocked my notepad on the floor?” I asked and Joe nodded.
“I saw that you were writing about us, that’s what gave me the clue that we were together. I wasn’t sure until then but I had a feeling that I knew you. When I saw what you’d written, I thought it must be because you were sad that I wasn’t there.”
“You thought I was using it as catharsis?”
Joe frowned. “I don’t know this word, catharsis?”
“Oh, sorry.” Forgetting that English was only his second language. “It means like therapy.”
“Ahh! Si, catarsi! Yes, I supposed it was like therapy for you. Now you understand me? Why I am concerned for you?”
“No, Joe. I don’t”
He let out a lengthy sigh. “OK, let me try to explain. I have my memories of you and of us together and I have my memories of my life in Italia, si?”
“OK.” I drew the word out, still not seeing where he was going with this conversation.
“But I also have huge gaps in my memory. I can’t remember my family, my parents or friends back at home.”
Oh shit, here we go. I cringed inwardly. This was going to get very awkward very quickly. I waited for him to tell me everything he’d noticed that wasn’t quite right. This time I would tell him the absolute truth.
“Bella, the only thing or person who sticks out in my memories, other than you, is Melissa. But I don’t know why.”
Ouch.
“Now you’re writing about her as if I had been seeing her back in Italy but I don’t remember that. So, either it happened and I don’t remember and you’re somehow angry with me and this is why you’re writing it all down, or…” He didn’t finish.
“Or…I’m going crazy? Is that what you think?”
“No bella, ti amo. I’m not saying that. I just think we need to talk about lots of things. I need to piece together my memories and I think you have a lot of things you need to deal with. I don’t think you have grieved properly for your father yet. I never hear you talk about him and you always look sad when I mention your mother and sister. You tell me you are happy but something in your eyes tells me different. I’m suggesting we go together to seek counselling.”
“Joe, we don’t need counselling. We do need to talk but it’s not anything like you think it is. You asked me to hear you out earlier, now I need you to do the same for me OK?”
“Si, of course.”
“I didn’t write this.” I held up my manuscript. “Well, most of it I did but not these other pages. This is someone else’s work. I don’t know how the hell it got there but it did. I’m going to try to figure it out but you’re going to have to help me. I need you to believe me.”
“I’m trying to Naomi but…how can you say it’s not yours? I mean it’s there in your manuscript. Did you copy it from someone?”
“No!” I said tersely and then felt an instant pang of guilt. Liar! “Oh shit. Look I copied the first little bit but that’s all! It’s not what you think.” Joe was looking at me in a way I did not like, he was disappointed in me, I could tell. “Jesus Christ, I’m really not explaining this well. Let me start from the beginning.” I took a deep, steadying breath and continued. “Joe… you’re… not real. I mean you are now but you weren’t before. I read about you in a book I was proofreading and…and I fell in love with you and I was upset and lonely and all I wanted was to escape for a while…so, I copied a part of the book but I started changing things in the story so it was about you and me, instead of you and Melissa.” I looked at Joe for some sign that he was hearing me, that he believed me but his face had hardened, his expression unreadable. Fuck. I decided to just carry on and get it all out in the open as quickly as possible because if I looked into those steely eyes another second I knew I would falter. “After I started writing I kept hearing things and seeing things in the flat and, at first I thought it was my Dad’s spirit or something but then you typed stuff on my laptop, do you remember?” I paused to let him answer but all he did was clench his jaw tighter, causing the muscle to twitch. I swallowed hard and bravely ploughed forward with my explanation. “Then…then that day when you appeared in my bathroom and we touched hands, something happened. Something amazing and magical.” I was pleading with him now, willing him to see what the universe and I had contrived together. “You came to me Joe. The universe gave you to me, you didn’t have any accident and those weren’t out of body experiences you were having. I wasn’t sure what the hell they were but I think I know now, I think it was the magic, I think it was you beginning to manifest, to come to life… Joe?” There was a moment of heavy silence between us and then he spoke,
“Naomi, do you hear yourself?” Joe said stiffly. “You’re talking like a crazy person.”
“I know! I know. But I’m not crazy, this is crazy!” I waved the manuscript again. “It’s real Joe and I don’t know why but isn’t it wonderful? You’re here, with me and we are happy.”
“If we’re happy then why are you writing shit about me and this Melissa?”
“It’s not me! It’s Laney the other author, your creator. I finished proofing her book but then I told her I couldn’t take on any more of her work. I suppose she must be rewriting or something, I don’t know but we must find her and stop her. She’s changing things, I can feel it. It’s all different, it’s all wrong.” Joe got up off the sofa and I looked up at him beseechingly. “Please Joe, we have to find her. Will you help me?” He looked away to stare at the wall. I held my breath and waited for his response. His shoulders slumped and he gave a small shake of his head and for one frightening moment, I thought I’d lost him.
“Naomi, I want to help you.” Oh thank God. I breathed a sigh of relief.
“I’m going to book you in to see Dr. Blanchard as soon as possible.”
“Wait! No, Joe. You’re not listening!”
“I have listened bella. I’m trying to understand you but it doesn’t make any sense, what you’re saying is crazy. I want to help you, to help us and this is the only way that I can do that. You must see that?”
Annoyance and anger boiled inside of me. “Read it!” I shouted and flung the manuscript at him, it hit him in the chest and pages went everywhere. My eyes brimmed with tears and I instantly regretted my actions when I saw the hurt reflected in his. “Joe! I’m sorry I…” I reached out to him but he turned away and walked towards the door. Panic rose in my chest, “Where are you going? Please don’t leave!” I cried.
“Naomi, I’m going for a walk. I’ve been very patient with you, put my own needs aside for you! I can’t keep doing that without answers. There are things I need to know and if you can’t see that, then we have a problem bella.” Joe dropped his gaze and I felt a boulder of dread settle in my gut. “I need some air. I suggest you go to bed and get some rest, don’t wait up for me.” He grabbed his keys from the hook on the wall and left, closing the door behind him with a soft click. The bottom dropped out of my world. What had I done?
“Oh you stupid, stupid cow!” Why the hell did I have to go and blurt it all out like that? He was right, I did sound insane. It’d been hard enough for me to believe in and I was the one who it had happened to. Why would I think Joe would just accept it when I told him he wasn’t real? Just because I wrote about it on a piece of paper? I felt like an idiot, an insensitive fool. I had hurt his feelings then told him some outrageous truths about who he was and then, to top it all off, I’d literally thrown the book at him. Now he was probably thinking about having me committed or worse, leaving me!
He’d only been gone a few minutes and I wanted him back. Instinct took over and I darted out of the door after him, running down the stairs I almost tripped over Slinky, Nelly Parker’s cat from apartment 3b. Slinky let out a yowl as I stepped on his tail. I brushed him away with my foot a little too hard causing the cat to bolt upstairs. I didn’t stop to see if he was alright because the need to find Joe buried any sense of concern for the stupid cat!
I reached the front door at a run, leaping from the bottom step and ran out onto the street. Looking in both directions I searched frantically for any sign of him.
“Joe!” I shouted. “Joe! I’m sorry!” A small sob erupted from my lips and I clapped a hand over my mouth trying to stop the flood of sorrow that threatened to pour from it. I stood there in the street, fighting the tears, desperately needing him to come back so I could apologise. Where would he go? Think Naomi, Think! The Imp! Without even a care that I didn’t have a coat or, I realised, my door keys, I ran down the street in the direction of The Imp. He had to have gone there right? There was nowhere else for him to go.
By the time I was halfway up Steep Hill and heading towards the corner where our book bar was, I was panting hard. My legs were burning from the lactic acid in my muscles but I pushed on. Hope filled me with every tired footfall, it would be OK, he would be there and we’d sit down and talk. I’d agree to go to counselling, anything just to keep him with me. In the meantime, I’d try and locate Laney Marsh but I’d have to do it without Joe’s help.
When I breeched the rise of Steep Hill I could see The Imp. The lights were off and the shutters were down. I felt a cold lump of despair in my chest but I banged on the door anyway.
“Joe? Are you in there? Please answer the door!” I banged on the door again and waited. Nothing. The cold lump grew and spread until it engulfed me. I stood in vain watching and waiting for Joe to open the door. I’m not sure how long I stood there, five minutes, maybe more? I waited until I began to shiver with the cold, then turned despondently for home. The walk home was desolate, I passed people on the street but they faded into the background. All I could think about was Joe. Where on earth had he gone? I quickened my pace hoping that he had just gone out for a walk, just like he said he would and was now back at our flat waiting for me.
Please be there, please be there. I chanted in my head. I couldn’t allow myself to think that he might not be. When I reached the front door, I punched in the key code and bolted up the stars to my flat. It was then I remembered I’d left without my keys. I knocked on the door.
“Joe? Are you there? I forgot my keys, can you let me in?” There was no reply and I knew he hadn’t come home. I rested my palms and forehead against the door and I felt a tear slide down my cheek and plop on the floor. Turning, I leaned back against the door wondering what to do next. I couldn’t get inside the flat and it was no good walking around the city at night trying to find him, he could be anywhere.
I heard a soft mewling noise down at my feet, when I looked down I saw Slinky standing about a foot away. I don’t know why but the return of the cat after the way I had hurt him earlier gave me hope, hope that Joe would also return. I slid to the floor and held my hand out to Slinky who immediately came forward to head-butt my open palm. His soft purrs soothed me and I scooped him up onto my lap for a cuddle.
“I’m so sorry puss. Did I hurt your tail? Hmm?” I scratched the top of his head which elicited a loud and forceful purr from the big ginger fluff ball. I was relived to find the cat was OK and had apparently forgiven me. He jumped off my lap, sauntered off down the hall and up the stairs towards his owner, Nelly’s flat. It was as if he had purposefully come down just to check on me. The notion brought fresh tears to my eyes. All I could do now was sit and wait for Joe to come home. If he came home.