Chapter Twenty-Six
Ashes to Ashes
I’d been right, it had been easy to get Joe to agree to visit Laney. He’d seemed rather relived that I had asked him. He said he’d been worried because I’d changed my mind and had gone to meet Laney alone. Poor Joe, I gave him a sideways glance as we stood on the stone steps of Laney’s manor. Joe couldn’t wait to meet her and put this whole thing to bed. Of course, he didn’t yet know the full story, he only knew my version, the one I had told him to get him to Scotland in the first place. He was in for a shock to say the very least. I’d decided to hold off on anymore of the details of how my own visit Laney had gone, let her be the bearer of bad news. As I stood beside him on the steps, I worried that I should’ve given him at least some of the truth but then he wouldn’t have believed it anyway. He hadn’t so far. Joe caught my gaze and smiled, taking my hand in his he gave it a reassuring squeeze. That small gesture said so much, ‘don’t worry love, this will all be over soon’. If only he knew. The door clicked and swung open, my heartbeat instantly increased. This was it, the moment of truth.
Expecting to see the sweet, sickly smile and blue eyes of the Librarian, I was shocked to be greeted by none other than the lady of the manor herself, Laney Marsh. My hackles were up in a second. I wasn’t prepared for Joe to see his old love just yet, I had thought we might have at least a few minutes with the loyal assistant first.
“Hello Joe.” Laney held out her hand for him, he hesitated and shook it then stopped suddenly, dropping her hand like he held a hot pebble.
“Melissa?” He barely breathed out her name but it clearly affected Laney, she beamed at him. I scowled at her, secretly thankful of the fifty years that had aged her since they had last laid eyes on each other. “You’re so old.” Joe said in total wonderment. I couldn’t help it, a snort of laughter erupted from me and I tried to smother it with a cough. Laney’s mouth went to a thin line, the laugh had not escaped her. Joe regrouped and stuttered, “I didn’t mean it like that. I meant…you look so different, so very different. How is this even possible?” He shook his head still staring at her in disbelief.
“Come inside and I will explain everything.” Laney said, her face softened again as she addressed Joe. Laney glanced at me and I swear I caught a look of malice in her eyes. Turning on her sweetest smile for Joe she said, “You haven’t changed a bit, still as handsome as you ever were.” Then she reached up and patted his cheek! My blood boiled and I glowered at her, right now I hated her- for everything she was about to do to Joe and to me and for daring to touch him with such familiarity. She’d had her chance with Joe and she chose to let him go. Joe was mine and if she laid a hand on him again, I’d make her regret it- old lady or not. We followed her down the same dimly lit hallway that I had walked down yesterday and into the vast library. This time there were four chairs instead of two, the Librarian already occupied one of them. She stood to greet us as we approached. I couldn’t bring myself to smile back, the nerves had taken hold of me and I had no room for manners. I wanted to believe that Joe would feel the same way about me as I did him and that he would choose to stay but I had no real idea how he would react when Laney finally told him the truth.
“Please, sit.” Laney gestured towards the chairs, I took a seat but Joe remained standing.
“No thank you. I’d prefer to get this over with as quickly as possible.” His tone was clipped and business-like, I could tell he was uncomfortable but there was something underlying in his manner that I couldn’t quite place.
“As you wish,” Laney sat and folder her hands in her lap, she addressed Joe directly, “where would you like me to start?” Joe shifted his feet,
“I want to know how it is possible that you look like you have aged fifty years and yet I remember you like it was yesterday?” Joe demanded, “Naomi’s manuscript…it had you in it, why? How? Tell me Melissa or is it Laney? I need to know. Merda! I have so many questions I don’t even know where to begin! Was I ever in an accident?”
“No, Joe you weren’t. You have holes in your memory because your past never existed.”
“But…I remember you and you are in my past.”
“No, you are in my past Joe.” I glared at Laney, could she be any more insensitive? I know she had to give him the truth but Christ, she could at least give it to him gently; she was playing with his feelings! I hope Joe told her to stuff it and that he wanted to stay with me because I honestly couldn’t see myself working for this heartless bitch.
“How is that even possible?” Joe said.
“Because it’s the truth. Naomi told you the truth, although she didn’t know the depth of it. You are a manifestation of her making,” Laney looked down at her hands and added, “as you were once mine.”
“You’re telling me I’m not real? I’m just some made up…thing…I don’t feel, or need or want?”
“Only what you were created to feel Joe, you’re born of a work of fiction and manifested through a gift that only certain people possess, like Naomi and myself.”
“Bullshit! You can’t sit there and tell me what I’m feeling now, the pain and the betrayal,” Joe glanced at me, “the love, isn’t real! I bleed, I breathe and my heart beats the same as anyone else, so don’t you dare tell me I’m not real!”
“Yes, that much is true Joe, you do feel and bleed the same as any other human being and if you were to choose to stay in this life, no doubt you would love Naomi till the end of your days but,”
“No! No ‘but’… I love her,” Joe pointed at me and a multitude of emotions swelled in my chest, I felt the familiar sting of tears begin to form and all I wanted to do was wrap myself in his arms. “I love her and it doesn’t make any difference how it came to pass, it just did. And I’m glad of it, at least now my questions about my lost memories have been answered. Now I know the truth we can leave and just get on with our lives…right?” The uncertainty in his voice betrayed his confidence. I couldn’t bear the gravity of what I was about to tell him, the first tear slithered down my cheek and closing my eyes, I shook my head in despair.
“I wish it was that simple Joe, I really do.” My hands shook with emotion, Joe immediately knelt beside me, clasping my hands in his.
“Why isn’t it bella? Nothing else matters but you and me. If I don’t have a past, so what! We can make our own together, the future is what matters now.”
“That’s exactly why you have a choice to make Joe,” Laney interjected, “the future is what matters and it lies in your hands. Yours and Naomi’s.” Laney proceeded to tell Joe the rest of the ‘truths’ she had laid out before me yesterday, presenting him with the very same choice; save our relationship and suffer the inevitable consequences or, restore the balance and give it all up for the sake of the natural order of the universe and all of humanity. Talk about Sophie’s choice!
“So…let me get this straight, if I chose to do nothing, Naomi and I walk away and continue our lives together but the universe will fight to regain order?”
“Essentially yes, you were never meant to exist on this plane Joe. You were not born into this world like a normal human being, you are a creation of an entirely different kind. You’re existence here has already begun to affect those around you and the ripples of change will only grow bigger and more destructive. I cannot tell you who it will affect or how, only that it will.”
“And if I agree to…to go back…to die?”
“No! Joe you can’t say that, please!” I pleaded, Joe squeezed my hand and kissed my wet cheek.
“Shh mia cara, the question must be asked. This is a life changing decision not just for us but for all the people you love.”
“You wouldn’t die per say, Joe. You would merely cease to exist.” Laney explained.
“Would I feel pain?” His voice cracked a little and my throat tightened, I couldn’t bear to hear him even discuss the matter.
“No, you just wouldn’t be. You would be as you were before, fictional.”
“Until you decide to use him again on some other unsuspecting woman!” I spat. “Joe, you can’t let her do this to us, please? I love you, I won’t let her use you like this. Whatever consequences might arise from us being together, we can deal with them when they happen.”
“Bella…ti amo, I want nothing more than to be with you, I know how I feel, regardless of what anyone might think. Right now, I am my own person with my own feelings and I do love you.”
“But? I sense a but.” My heart stopped beating, just for a moment as I sensed his trepidation at knowing the full truth.
“But, I’m not sure I want to be responsible for whatever else might happen.” I started to protest but he put his finger to my lips to quieten me, “Naomi, what if these ripples of change affect your mother or your sister…or even her baby? My being here has already separated you from them, what if it causes them harm? Could you live with that? Because I know I couldn’t.” And then my heart broke, because I knew he was right. I had been so blind and naive to think that these changes wouldn’t cause harm, I couldn’t take that risk and Laney had known that all along. I looked at her and for the first time I saw genuine sadness in her eyes. I understood now the choice that she had made all those years ago, who was I to think I could take on the powers of the unknown universe and win?
“Joe…” I sobbed and let my head fall into his chest.
“I know baby,” He held my face between his hands and kissed my tears away. I couldn’t believe this might be the end, “will you give us a moment?” For a second I thought Joe was talking to Laney, asking for a moment alone with me but then I saw he was looking directly at me and I realised he was asking me to leave them alone. I couldn’t hide the hurt I felt and knew it must be evident in my expression but I got up anyway and followed the Librarian. Just as we reached the doorway, something made me turn around. Laney was watching me leave. The gleeful spite in her eyes made me shiver. Joe had never looked so vulnerable, sitting there with his head in his hands and his shoulders slumped, with that old hyena looking like she was about to devour him. Every instinct in me shouted at me to go and fight his corner and it took every ounce of my will power to allow the Librarian to escort me from that room.
I sat for what seemed like an age, in a small parlour off the main hallway, trying to listen in to any snippets of conversation from the library but there were none. The Librarian sat patiently opposite me on the very edge of her seat as if ready to jump up and stop me should I decide I’d waited long enough. As I looked her over she never shifted away from my gaze, just smiled politely and waited. I could not envisage working with these two for the life of me, the thought that I might not have any choice in the matter was sickening. What the hell would I tell my mum and Immy? And what would happen to mine and Joe’s book bar? I loved our little place, I loved being in my flat in Lincoln…with Joe. Without him I had nothing. As much as I tried, I couldn’t see any way out of this horrible situation. I wanted to scream at whatever power had brought me to this place. I didn’t want this. I just wanted Joe.
I heard footsteps in the hallway and I shot out of my chair, the obedient Librarian following. Joe waited there for me, alone. Laney had remained in the library, thank God.
“Come on bella, let’s go.” He took my hand and began leading me towards the front door.
“What did you say to her? What’s happening now?”
“You don’t need to know mia cara, I just needed time to get things straight in my head without you there, you’re such a distraction,” Joe smiled down at me and blew me a kiss.
“Don’t do that. That’s not fair Joe, now isn’t the time for jokes. I want to know what’s going on.” We got to the door and Joe yanked it open before the librarian even reached for the handle.
“Goodbye.” He nodded at her politely, I just ignored her. I wasn't in a very polite and forgiving mood. The shut behind us and I whirled around in front of Joe, halting his steps.
“Joe, for Christ’s sake tell me what is going on?” He hesitated a moment and then gentled his tone,
“We have a few days or so to sort things out.”
“Sort things out?”
“Si, talk and think things through before we make a final decision. OK?” I sighed with relief, there was still time to find a way out of this mess, still time to be with Joe and somehow make it work.
We walked the long trek back to Crovie and our holiday cottage hand in hand and in complete silence. Neither of us wanting to break the spell of just being together, neither of us wanting to confront the choices that lay ahead. Joe took off my coat and hung it on the door hook as we entered the cottage. I went to the kitchen and put the kettle on,
“Coffee?” I asked and then promptly burst into tears at the triviality of my question. Joe came to join me in the kitchen.
“Hey now, come on bella. Don’t cry.” Joe pulled me into a tight hug and smoothed my hair with his hand.
“I can’t lose you Joe.”
“I know baby. I don’t want to be without you either.”
“What are we going to do?”
“Well, for now, I’m going to light the fire and make us dinner and you are going to take that beautiful body of yours to bed and rest. No protest! It’s been an upsetting two days for you. We can’t make decisions without a clear mind, so off to bed. I’ll come wake you in a short while OK?” I agreed and reluctantly made my way to the snug bedroom. Despite the anguish that tore at my very soul, I fell almost instantly into an exhausted sleep.
I woke up some considerable time later. I knew several hours must’ve gone by because it was dark enough to be late in the evening. A tiny sliver of light crept under the bedroom door. Joe wasn’t in bed with me so I got up and made my way sleepily towards the lounge, following the warm, amber light that must have come from the wood burner.
“Joe? Why didn’t you wake me up babe? Did I miss dinner?” I rubbed my hands over my eyes trying to wake up properly, I felt ridiculously tired. The lounge was empty but for the last flickering embers of the fire. “Joe?” I called en route to the kitchen. When I didn’t find him in there or the bathroom I assumed he’d gone out the back for more firewood. I sat on the sofa and wrapped the soft throw around my now shivering shoulders, the fire had almost died out and a chill crept into the room. The flutter of paper caught my eye and I leaned forward to pick it up, it was a piece of the page of manuscript that I had torn up in anger. The sight of it brought feelings of fear and dread at the decision Joe and I had yet to make. I became impatient and suddenly wanted it over with, Joe and I needed to talk right now. I couldn’t take living in fear of if or when it all might end. I needed a plan, a process to follow, I was so tired of winging it. Where the hell was Joe? I got up, keeping the throw around my shoulders and opened the back door
“Joe, are you out here? Can you come in now? I need to talk, and bring the wood in will you babe? It’s bloody freezing in here.” I got no reply, it was pitch black outside and there was no wind today but it was raining again. I listened for a reply but got none. Maybe he’d gone out to see our landlady, Moira to settle the bill for the cottage. I decided to see if Joe had left me a plate of dinner, I hadn’t realised until that moment that I was hungry but Joe’s cooking always got my appetite going. I turned on the kitchen light and scanned the worktop, there was no dinner that I could see only a sheet of paper. I could see there was writing on it and knew it was a note. I’d been right, Joe had gone out. I picked up the note and began to read, no more than a few lines in and I began to shake. I ran back to the lounge towards the fire and my eyes fell upon my old satchel. It was open on the floor…and empty. I didn’t want to look, I tried desperately not to but I couldn’t stop my gaze travelling to the wood burner. Why hadn’t I noticed the burner door was open just now? Why hadn’t I noticed my satchel on the floor? I was too late. There was nothing I could do to change anything now. Joe had left me no choice. I knelt in front of the burner and looked despondently at the large pile of smouldering ashes that had been my manuscript. The letter fell from my hand and fluttered gently and softly to the floor. My whole world crumbled and I felt my heart break into a million pieces. I was painfully numb. I had nothing left. I was alone…and Joe was gone.
To be continued…