Chapter Nineteen
It’s All In Your Head, Alice
“Schizophrenia is often described in terms of negative and positive symptoms. Positive ones can include delusions, disordered thoughts and speech. As well as tactile, auditory and visual disturbances like the ones you have described to me today and in our past sessions. Many of the things you are experiencing are typically regarded as manifestations of psychosis. Now I’m not giving you that diagnosis today, but I would like to see how things go over the next few weeks.” Dr Blanchard said. “Depending on how that goes we may have to seek both a clinical and medical examination.”
“You really do think I’m crazy!” I said stunned. “I’m telling you the truth!”
Dr Blanchard gave me a sceptical, sympathetic look which I found incredibly infuriating. Why was I wasting my time here, trying to prove to her that I was telling the truth? All I had done was convince her I had gone loopy and now she wanted to monitor me and send me for tests to make a definite diagnosis.
“I see signs of many of the positive symptoms. However, the negative symptoms usually associated with a condition like schizophrenia aren’t really apparent in you Naomi. Hence my reluctance to diagnose you. I think the death of your father and the absence of your mother have affected you psychologically, especially considering the strained relationship you had with your mother. Environmental factors can be a feature of the condition…then of course we need to rule out any possibility of substance abuse.”
Dr Blanchard went on and on and I just sat there rolling my eyes. She noticed, I know she did but I was past caring. The only reason I had agreed to this charade was to placate Joe. After a while I had decided I might give it a go and tell her the truth, hoping that she may be able to shed some light on the whole situation. I had thought maybe, being a doctor of psychology, she could tell me more about the power of the mind or something like that? But no such luck, she just thought I was a proper raving looney.
I despaired at the thought of having to go through this pretence on a weekly basis for however long it took to either be diagnosed with some form of psychosis or for me to find Laney Marsh and straighten this whole thing out. Finding Laney was priority number one but it was not going to be easy keeping secrets from Joe, he was watching my every move.
Joe had been so attentive and loving, more than usual, these last few weeks. Since our fight he’d shown me such care and patience, I almost felt like a delicate little flower he was afraid would be crushed to a pulp at any given moment. As much as I loved the attention I was getting from him, I missed just being real. I hated that he might feel like he was treading on eggshells around me. The other thing that had changed between us was our love making, he was tender and had taken things slower in the bedroom. At first I had enjoyed it, it was sort of romantic and sweet but I was beginning to miss the raw passion that we’d had before. The Joe that I knew liked to fuck and I liked being fucked by him. I wasn’t some china doll that would break with a little rough handling. The thing is, I knew why he was behaving like that and it just made me love him even more. His entire focus was on me, not once had he asked to discuss the things that were on his mind and yet I knew he must still have many questions. Things needed to be resolved and soon. One way or another I had to hunt down Laney Marsh, she was the only proof I had that could convince Joe, my family and Dr Blanchard that I had been telling the truth all along.
“So, does that sound alright with you, Naomi?” Dr Blanchard continued.
“Hmm?” I had totally zoned out.
“That we continue our sessions on a weekly basis for now and see how things develop?”
I nodded.
“Great, then in the meantime, I suggest you carry on with your daily routine as much as possible, rest and get plenty of sleep and do try and lay off the alcohol?”
Who the fuck are you, my mother? I gave her a placatory smile. “Yes, of course.”
“Same time next week then?” She asked.
I’d rather gouge out my eyes with a spoon! “That’d be great, thanks.”
“Goodbye Naomi. If you need to talk in between appointments, here’s a card with my emergency number.” She took a small business card from her desk and handed it to me. Jesus, I must be a special case, I was getting the emergency number! I almost laughed out loud at the sheer ridiculousness of it all. If she’d just bother to get off her arse and come down to the book bar, she would meet Joe face to face and see what I was talking about. I’d suggested as much to her but she said it ‘wasn’t productive for her to participate in a client’s fantasies’. I’d thought that ironic because if she did happen to participate in my particular fantasies, she’d probably find it extremely ‘productive’, not to mention erotic.
When I got back to the flat it was around 4.30pm and Joe wasn’t home yet. I’d left The Imp early so I could make my appointment with Dr Blanchard. Joe didn’t lock up usually till around 5.30pm which meant he’d probably be home around 6pm. Great! That gave me and hour and a half to try and research Laney.
Laney was proving a very tough person to track down. When I had proofed for her, we’d only ever communicated via email and she only had a P.O. Box number registered as a postal address. I had contacted Royal Mail and asked for an address connected to the P.O. box number which they had given me, albeit reluctantly. It had taken some time for me to convince the man on the other end of the phone that I had a genuine reason for wanting the address but I also informed the irritating jobsworth that I knew the law and that they were obliged to give me the connecting address because I had asked for it. I’d looked up the address online but it was registered to a different name and there was no contact phone number. I’d sent Laney a few emails but I’d gotten several mail delivery failure notices back so it was clear that she had changed her email address. The street address was quite obscure, a little village I’d never heard of somewhere in Scotland. It was too far for a quick trip and, according to Google maps, nigh on impossible to get to. It occurred to me that I had never asked Laney who her publisher was going to be, had I had that information I could’ve tried to contact her through those means. Right now, I was at a complete loss as to what to do next. It was looking highly likely that I would have to take a trip up to Scotland to see if the address I had was correct, but I wasn’t sure how I’d get that one past the ever-vigilant Joseph.
Looking on Google maps, I could see that the little village of Crovie in Aberdeenshire was over four hundred and fifty miles away from Lincoln. It was at least an eight hour drive and once you hit the east side of Scotland, it meant travelling down a few remote roads. I wondered how I’d convince Joe to take the trip. I looked on Skyskanner and found that flights went from Doncaster airport to Aberdeen which took around four or five hours. I supposed that wasn’t too bad, we’d have to hire a car and drive the rest of the way but that might be quite enjoyable. Inspired, I googled hotels near Crovie. Surprisingly Crovie, being a one street fishing hamlet, had few permanent residents, most of the cottages it seemed were now used as holiday lets. The nearest pub and grocery shop was in Gardenstown a few miles away. It was doable and absolutely necessary if I was going to track Laney down. I just had to convince Joe.
I heard a key turn in the lock and jumped, realising Joe had come home I quickly shut the laptop lid and rose to greet him with a smile.
“Hey you. You’re early.”
“Ciao bella. Si, it was quiet today so I thought I’d lock up early and come see you. I wanted to know how your session went?” Joe strode over to me, lifted my chin with his hand and planted a soft kiss on my lips. He pulled away then and I felt disappointed, I didn’t want soft and tender, I wanted him to kiss me so hard that my lips would bruise.
“It was good, thanks. Dr Blanchard thinks I’m making progress. She wants to see me regularly for a few more weeks to see how it goes but I’m feeling great. I have an appointment for next week but after that I wondered if you fancied maybe getting away for a few days? I feel like an adventure. What do you think?”
Joe raised his eyebrows. “An adventure? What about The Imp? Can we afford to close it for that long?”
“It’s just a couple of days, I need to get away for some fresh air, reset my body you know? And besides you said it’s been quiet at The Imp lately so…” I knew if I implied it was for health reasons that Joe would most likely agree and it worked.
“OK. Sounds like fun. Where would you like to go?”
“Well…I was thinking Scotland. You’ve not been there right?” I was suddenly unsure, so much of mine and Joe’s life together was a mystery.
“Scotland? That’s a little far isn’t it? Can’t we go to Whitby or somewhere closer? It’ll take us a day just to travel there.”
“I love Whitby but I really fancy an adventure! Let’s go somewhere totally off the beaten track. Somewhere not so touristy, just us.” I hit him with my most appealing look, my eyes practically begging. “Please?”
“But it’ll take so long to get there love. We can’t afford to close The Imp for more than two or three days and you know there’s no one to cover. I don’t know.” He shrugged his shoulders but I wasn’t giving up.
“We could fly! Doncaster does internal flights to Aberdeen, I already looked. It’s only four hours to get there. Please?”
Joe chewed his bottom lip for a few seconds and I could practically feel him teetering on the edge of indecision. “Let’s think about it for a few days, si? Consider the flights and see how much it costs and then we’ll decide. It would be nice to go away for a little break I suppose, but it needs to be affordable OK?”
Well, at least it wasn’t a no. “OK, I’ll see how much flights cost then. But Joe, I know you’ll love it! Scotland is gorgeous, it’s all wild and rugged.”
“And cold and wet.” Joe pulled a face. “Why don’t we just save up for a few months and I can take you to Italy? You haven’t seen my country yet and I…” a quizzical look crossed his face, “I haven’t been back since, God, I don’t even remember.”
“Italy, really?” I was momentarily distracted from my mission by the thought of travelling to Italy. But then I realised that Joe would be expecting to find family, friends and evidence that it was once his home, a dream Italian adventure would most likely turn out to be an absolute nightmare. “Italy sounds wonderful babe but that’d mean us saving for months and I really need a break now. Dr Blanchard says I need to take time out, I thought Scotland would be perfect.”
“The doctor thinks it’s a good idea?”
“Yes.” I lied through my teeth but I needed to get Joe to Crovie come hell or high water. I’d sell my soul to the devil if it meant I could find Laney Marsh and stop her from writing.
“OK.” he relented, “let’s go then. Providing the flights aren’t too expensive, I would say we’d drive but it’s a long way. You do deserve a break.” He smiled at me indulgently and I felt like a brat for lying to him but this was the only way. I went to him and planted a firm, purposeful kiss on his lips, making a mwah sound with my mouth.
“You, Joseph Ferrantino, are the best husband a girl could ever wish for.” He grinned at the compliment and replied cockily
“Well, you know what they say, behind every great man is a woman waiting to beat him over the head with a frying pan if he doesn’t do as he’s told.” He winked at me and pinched my nose between his thumb and forefinger making a honking sound, as if my nose were a horn.
“Ohhhh, you did not just say that!” I said and he backed away grinning like an idiot. “You are in deep trouble now mister. You better run!” I started to stalk him with a glint in my eye, hopeful that his playful mood might lead to some rough and tumble.
“Just so you know bella, I’ve hidden all of the pans!” He was openly laughing now, egging me on.
“Well then I’ll just have to improvise won’t I!”
“Aha! You’ll have to catch me first.” He quipped and stuck out his tongue. I pounced towards him and he ran off down the hallway towards the bedroom. I went after him in stalk mode. I was almost to the door when he called to me.
“Naomi? I can’t offer you a frying pan but I found a handy utensil you might like to make use of. Want to see?”
“Ohhhh, really?” I said dryly and swung open the door to find Joe with a large buzzing vibrator in his hand. He waggled it at me and pressed the button to make it buzz. Oh my god! He’d found my vibrator! Heat flushed my face and I didn’t know where to look.
“I don’t think much to its pancake making abilities, do you?” He teased. “Shall we put it to better use and mix up some batter of our own?”
An embarrassed laugh escaped me and he waggled it again. I walked into the bedroom and closed the door with my foot. Thrilled that Joe was back to his playful bedroom antics again. Sweet and romantic was nice but right now I needed my Italian stallion and if he wanted to play master chef with my toy in our bedroom, who was I to complain?