Chapter Fifteen
Doctor Doctor
I winced as the needle pierced my arm. Whatever liquid was in that syringe burned like the molten fires of Mount Doom.
“Will she be alright?” I heard Joe ask Dr. White.
“She needs rest. The sedative will take effect soon. I’d suggest you get in touch with Dr. Blanchard, her therapist, as soon as possible. Trauma can affect people in many different ways and she obviously has issues she needs to deal with.” I saw Dr. White pat Joe’s arm and begin to pack away his equipment. Joe looked in my direction, his forced smile belying his concern.
“Naomi, I’m going to see the doctor out OK? Will you be alright for a minute?”
I nodded, already feeling the effects of the sedative. I couldn’t speak because I knew that I wasn’t OK. Far from it, I was drowning in a sea of confusion. My emotions were almost indistinguishable from each other. Shock blended with fear and bewilderment which gave way to grief and the whole cycle started again. This felt like a fairground ride that I couldn’t get off, it just kept moving faster and faster until I wasn’t sure if the world were spinning or I was.
I fought to stay awake, I needed to go over things in my head. So much had happened, so many changes in the last few days. Hell, I wasn’t even sure what day it was. I felt overwhelmed. Nothing made sense, everything was fuzzy and confusing. My vision blurred and I felt my eyelids involuntarily closing.
“Joe!” I slurred, suddenly afraid of the creeping darkness that filled my vision. Afraid of what would happen when I woke up. What if something else changed? What if I woke up and found none of it had been real? I couldn’t decide which was worse. I felt so out of control. But having Joe here with me was the one redeeming feature of this madness and deep down I knew that I would, if it came to it, endure everything else that this new life threw at me if it meant keeping Joe. I finally had something good and real to hold on to. I just wished my world would stop spinning.
I felt a warm hand slip into mine and give it a gentle, reassuring squeeze.
“I’m here bella. Go to sleep.”
“Don’t leave me.” I managed to whisper.
“Never.”
The sedative finally won the battle and I fell into a fitful half sleep. Not the peaceful rest that the good doctor had intended but one filled with nightmares and pain. Images of my father laid cold and unmoving on the floor, another of my mother happy in New Zealand, without me. Mum bouncing her grandchild on her knee with a laughing Immy sat beside her while I lay here…forgotten. Flashes of a wedding, my wedding to Joe that I hadn’t even attended. The last image was the one that broke me…Joe gone… and me left with nothing and no one, just a black hole of lonely despair. I cried out and seconds later felt a warm reassuring touch at my cheek. Not alone then?
Unable to decide if I was asleep or just heavily sedated and hallucinating, I tried to call out to whomever had touched my cheek. I just needed to not feel alone. This time I felt a hand slip into mine and squeeze gently. Waves of fear washed over me. I was so afraid to let go and sleep fully just in case whatever magic had brought Joe to me, somehow disappeared when I lost my minute grip on consciousness.
I had no idea how long I had endured that pitiful torture but when I woke up, groggy and heavy, I knew I felt just as bad as I had before. Joe was there, sitting on the edge of my bed, our bed. I raised my left hand and the band of gold on my third finger taunted me. But Joe was here. I knew nothing had changed, my mother had still left me and my sister had a family I was a stranger to. But Joe was here. The more I repeated those words in my head, the more the pain in my heart lessened. Joe was here. He wouldn’t let me fall, as long as I had him, I would be alright. If we were together and he loved me, I could learn to cope with all the irrational, unexplainable madness that was now my life. I needed to understand it all but there was time, I hoped. I had panicked today. The last few days had been crazy and spectacularly overwhelming but now, I understood that I would need to tackle one situation at a time. I had to because otherwise I would go under. Joe was everything I had dreamed of and more and if the only way the universe would let him be mine, was to dump a load of unexpected shit in my life, then so be it. It was naive to think I could have it all. When had anything ever worked entirely in my favour? Joe was the one good thing I had ever been given and in truth I hadn’t been given him, I had stolen him and rebranded him as mine. Perhaps this was why it wasn’t the perfect scenario I had envisioned. I scoffed at myself, idiot! Only you could think being married to a hot Italian with your own business wasn’t perfect! It was true, why was I complaining? It was perfect it was just…too much too soon.
Joe shifted on the bed. His hand reached out to me to stroke my hair. His touch instantly reassuring. My safety zone.
“Bella. How are you feeling?” The concern in his eyes blatantly obvious.
“I’m OK I think. I feel a little shaky. Is there any water?”
“I’ll get some, one minute.” He rose and went quickly to the bathroom to fill a cup. When he returned, I had propped myself upright on two pillows. I took the water and drank it all in one go.
“You want some more?” Joe offered out his hand for the cup but I shook my head.
“No thank you.” He took the cup and placed it back on the bedside table. “What time is it?” I asked.
“It’s a little after 3pm.” He said. “Did you get a good sleep?”
“I suppose so.” I lied. “I still feel a bit groggy though.”
“That’s probably the effects of the sedative. The Doc thought it best to give you something to help you rest. He says it’s probably all the stress of the last few weeks that finally caught up with you.”
“Probably.” I said, not knowing what else I could say. Joe looked down at his hands and he started to pick at the bedcovers.
“You scared me baby. When you ran off like that. I didn’t know what to do. I had to lock the bar and then come find you. I didn’t know what I would find when I reached you.”
“I’m sorry.” I choked back. Seeing him scared and sad like this made me feel awful. I knew I’d have to pretend like I’d had a mini breakdown or something because there’s no way I could ever tell him the real reason for my outburst. Joe caught the tone in my voice and was instantly beside me, he pulled me into a crushing hug and breathed into my hair deeply.
“Don’t ever do that again. Please Naomi? If you ever feel like you need to run, run to me. There’s nothing we can’t get through together OK?”
“OK” I replied meekly. The depth of feeling with which he spoke stunned me. It was clear that despite him only being an actual physical person for a few days, the situation we were in was by no means new, at least to him. This was a fully established, committed relationship. It was a marriage! It would take some getting used to but I had already decided it was what I wanted. I’d just have to pretend everything was how it had always been. Joe was my husband, we had a book bar and I was not crazy.
“I called your mother.” Joe said and I froze.
“You what? Why did you do that?” I groaned.
“Because I think she should know when her daughter is ill. Don’t you?”
No! I wanted to say. She abandoned me. But then I remembered that everything was different now. And she had been planning on moving to New Zealand even before all of this happened.
“What did she say?”
“She wants to Skype you later when you’re feeling up to it.”
“What if I’m not feeling up to it?” I whined.
“Naomi,” he chuckled, “come on now, don’t be a coward. She’s your mother and she loves you. It’s just a quick call.”
Then why did she leave me? I sighed heavily. “Fine. But not yet. I’m too tired and my head is fuzzy. I need all my wits about me to deal with my mother.”
“You’re too harsh bella. Your mama is adorable. Her heart is in the right place.”
OK now I knew I was in some parallel fucking universe or something because no one could ever call my mother ‘adorable’. A thought occurred to me,
“Joe? Do we have a wedding album? Of photographs. I mean.”
“You know we do.” His brow furrowed again but he quickly smoothed it over. Blimey, he must think I’m bonkers.
“Can you get it for me please?”
“Sure. If you want. Are you feeling nostalgic?” I nodded and smiled and Joe disappeared out the bedroom door. When he returned he held out a thick, brown leather covered album to me. I took it and sat nervously with it on my knee. I wasn’t sure I had the mental capability or the appropriate acting skills to be able to look it with Joe sitting right there with me so I asked him to make me a coffee.
“Are you hungry bella? I can make you something special?”
“Really? That’d be lovely, thank you.” I beamed at him. I was starving but it also meant it he’d be in the kitchen for a while, giving me chance to look at the album alone. I felt like I needed the space and the privacy to deal with whatever was in this album. Joe gave me a kiss on the cheek and pottered off to conjure me up some wonderful culinary masterpiece.
I stroked the album cover and slowly peeled it back. The first page gave the details and date of our wedding. I was astounded to discover we had gotten married in Lincoln cathedral! That was unbelievable…and expensive. I wondered how we had ever been able to afford that? I felt quite jealous of the fact that I had apparently gotten married in one of the most impressive medieval buildings in the country and didn’t even bloody remember it! My fingers trembled a little as I peeled back another page to be presented with a large, black and white close up of Joe and I kissing. I turned to the next page and saw a full page spread of what little friends and family I had, stood together in front of the cathedral. My friends and family, not Joe’s.
It struck me how much my dad would’ve loved my wedding. I pictured his face beaming with pride as he walked me down the aisle, imagined his father-of-the-bride speech and how he would’ve welcomed Joe into our family. The fact that both myself and my father had been denied this day hurt so much I almost couldn’t stand it. The lump in my throat strangulated the whispered words I forced from my lips,
“I miss you daddy.”
I kept flicking through and studying the photos, trying to absorb the fact that this had been my wedding day but it was so surreal. I could see myself, Joe and other people I recognised in the pictures but it felt like I was looking at someone else’s life. It was the strangest feeling not having any recollection of what supposedly had been the happiest day of my life. It all looked so perfect and everyone was smiling, even my mother! My dress was simple and understated but elegant, exactly the sort of thing I would have chosen. Joe looked incredible in a dark navy blue suit which complimented his colouring.
“You looked so beautiful that day mia cara.” The sound of Joe’s voice made me jump and I quickly shut the album.
“Oh, hey. I didn’t hear you come in.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you jump…again.” He smiled. “Here is a nice hot coffee just for you and your food will be ready in about fifteen minutes.” He looked rather satisfied with himself so I assumed that whatever it was that he was cooking, was going to be pretty special. My stomach growled just to remind me that I was indeed, very hungry. I inhaled deeply as delicious smells wafted in from the kitchen.
“Oh Joe, that smells amazing! What are you making?”
“It’s just a little pasta dish and side salad my love.” He grinned and I cocked an eyebrow at him.
“Just a little pasta? Really? Because when I make pasta it smells nothing like that!”
“That’s because you are not Italian. Only Italians can cook pasta and make it smell and taste like the food of the Gods.” He winked at me and I laughed.
“And only you could make arrogance look adorable.” I quipped back.
“It’s all part of my charm bella. There’s a reason that Italians are labelled the best lovers in the world you know.”
“Oh really? And what is that?”
“Because it’s the truth.” He shrugged laughing. “I need no other reason than that. The evidence speaks for itself don’t you agree?”
I hit him with a pillow. “Oh my god! How cocky are you!” He tugged the pillow away from me and a look of pure devilment crossed his face.
“You want to talk about cocky? I can show you cocky.” He winked.
“That is not what I meant and you know it!” I was belly laughing hard now. God he was adorable. I could forget that I didn’t get to attend our wedding. I could excuse that fact that a huge chunk of my life had changed without me being aware of it. Because I had Joe and he was worth it. I would get used to my new life and everything would be fine. My mum wasn’t dead-she was just not here. I supposed Joe and I could fly over and go visit her and Immy in New Zealand and I could meet my nephew or was it niece? I couldn’t remember right now. But suddenly, with Joe sitting here laughing with me, things didn’t seem as frightening as they had done this morning.
An alarm went off in the kitchen and Joe got up off the bed.
“That’s the oven timer. Do you want to eat at the table or would you like me to fetch you a tray and you can eat it in bed?”
“Well aren’t I being spoiled!”
“Yes. You are. So, which one?”
“Hmm, I think I’d like a tray please. Or is that incredibly lazy of me?”
“You’re entitled to be lazy after this morning bella.”
“Well, perhaps I should be lazy more often then if this is the sort of treatment I get.” I teased. Joe wiggled his eyebrows and said,
“Oh this is nothing il amore mio…wait till you see what’s for dessert!”