I WOKE UP hungry, but it was a tolerable level of hunger, not the gut-wrenching torture I’d been enduring for months. My glowing eyes fixated on the clock, but I didn’t need to look at it; I instinctively knew what time it was—forty-three minutes and fifty-six seconds until sunset. Give or take a few milliseconds.
Leaping from my bed, I marveled at the difference in my energy level. A week ago, just thinking coherently took an extraordinary amount of effort. But now, after a week of eating every night, I felt like I could take on the world. I felt invincible.
Flexing my arms, I watched the muscles bulge and contract. Physically, I felt better than I had in a long time. Mentally, I wasn’t quite so healthy. What I was doing to strengthen my body was tearing up my psyche. It went against everything I believed. Drinking blood, like a dirty, disgusting demon. I couldn’t deny how much I enjoyed it though. The thrill it gave me was unparalleled. The taste…indescribable. But it still horrified me. There was just no getting around that aspect of it.
Walking into the bathroom, I studied my features in the mirror. I looked more like my old self, not quite so gaunt. Even the circles under my eyes were gone. I was fed and rested, a perfect vampire specimen. Opening my mouth, I let my fangs lower. Disgust flooded me as I stared at the physical manifestation of the beast inside me. These teeth were a reminder of my fall from grace. Or maybe they weren’t. Maybe I’d fallen a long time ago.
I ran my tongue over a fang, feeling the sharpness of the ivory point. Now that I was drinking, the desire to puncture something, to hunt, was growing in me. I thought it would fade as I got stronger, but it wasn’t. I wanted to sink my teeth into something warm, juicy, tender…I didn’t even care what. Blood was all the same to me. It made being around Nika especially challenging. Her heartbeat tended to rage in my ears, the fragrance of her blood beneath her skin tingled my nose. I daydreamed about biting her. I wanted it as badly as I wanted to make love to her. And because of that, I tried to keep my nightly visits as short as possible. I didn’t want to cave into either desire.
Nika wanted me to cave, I could tell. She wouldn’t push me, but her body language screamed at me to take her. In every way. She didn’t realize what that closeness would do to us, though. Of course, she didn’t know I was leaving soon, never to return. I was already going to miss her. Adding sex and…biting…into the equation would just make it even more difficult to leave her. And I had to. I had a job to do—a job that was becoming increasingly more important as time went on.
Ever since Sam and Brett’s trap for me, I’d been scouting the city while Nika and her family slept, looking for more hunters. Just in the last few days, I’d come across two more that I’d once known, lurking around the Adams’ home, waiting for a chance to strike. I didn’t give them the opportunity. Sneaking up on them, catching them unaware, I cleared their minds and sent them on their way, never to harm another vampire again. Like most things in my life, I was torn on this as well. I was reducing the number of fighters waging war on the bloodsuckers. We were few and far between as it was, so I felt really shitty about that. But these men knew about Nika, they knew about me, and I couldn’t let them go on with that knowledge. Or risk them running back to a social circle that would clue them in on that knowledge again. My only way to protect Nika, for now, was to completely obliterate their minds.
Dressing for my nightly rendezvous with Nika, I wondered if the attacks would continue after I left. I was certain they would stop once I put my father down, but what if he sent someone while I was away? I’d been hiding my activity from Halina, not wanting her to spook the family, but maybe I should clue her in. Let her know what was going on, in advance of my departure, so she could take over watchdogging them. Yeah, I would do that. I would tell her tonight, after my feeding.
When it was fully dark, I walked upstairs to join the rest of the nest here at the ranch. I could smell fresh blood in the air, the intoxicating, heady scent that sometimes drove me to distraction. I considered sitting and eating with Halina and the others, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it yet. Maybe after a few more feedings with Nika it wouldn’t be so hard. Right now, though, the smell was making me sick to my stomach, and I just wanted to get away. I went to the only place I could think of going, a place with a scent so pungent, it drowned out all the blood around me—the pool house.
The air was heavy with moisture when I walked into the heated building housing the Olympic-sized swimming pool. The water-laden air felt heavenly on my chilly skin, and the chlorine-filled aroma cleared my senses. Standing near the edge of the pool, I debated going for a swim. I had time. I had to wait until everyone in Nika’s house was asleep before I could head over. Much like before, Nika and I were keeping our activity a secret. As I removed my clothes, I wondered if things between us would always be a secret.
Forgoing the pool, I headed for the hot tub instead. I wanted to feel warm, especially now, when I felt chilled to the bone. The water was like liquid fire as I sank into it. It burned its way up my body, igniting my numb bones. “Oh God,” I groaned, lying my head back on the padded headrest.
“Feels good, doesn’t it?”
I didn’t look over, because I knew who was here. “Why aren’t you eating with the others?” I asked.
Halina’s legs appeared inside the tub beside me as she sat on the edge of it. “I wanted to check on you first. Invite you to join us.”
I looked up at my maker. Her dark hair was loose around her body, her pale eyes brimming with hope. “I’m not ready for that. I do feel better, but…I just can’t sit and eat like that. I’ll eat later tonight, I promise.”
She smiled at me—an easy, carefree smile. “I finally believe you.” Her hand came down to touch my cheek. I was so warm from the water, her fingertips felt like ice. “You look so much better. It makes me so happy to see you like this.”
Sitting up in the tub, I grabbed her hand. Searching deep into her eyes, I said, “Let me go out on my own tonight then. Give me an evening to myself.” I could scour the city so much more effectively if I wasn’t constantly worried about her following me. And she usually did. She usually only gave me a half-hour of alone time before she found me. That made hunting very difficult.
She raised an eyebrow. “An evening with my granddaughter? Her parents would be very unhappy with me if I allowed that.” She smirked, so I knew she didn’t really care if I stayed with Nika.
Seeing an opening, I told her, “She’s been asking me to stay all week, and tonight…I’d like to spend the night with her. Privately,” I added, so she wouldn’t just lurk outside the window, which was what she normally did.
Halina pursed her lips as she pulled her hand from mine. Brows bunched, she said, “You’ll be careful with her? Gentle? She is mainly human, and very important to me. I don’t want you damaging her in your eagerness.”
I looked away, feeling embarrassed. “I won’t…hurt her. I don’t even know if we’re going to…do anything. I just want to stay with her.” After the words left my mouth, I felt the truth in them. I did want to stay with her. It hurt that I couldn’t.
As I sighed, Halina patted my shoulder. “It will be fine. I’ve bedded many a human in my time. So long as you remember how breakable they are, you’ll do great. Better than great I’d say.” She chuckled as she stood up. “I’ll stay at the ranch tonight. Gabriel will enjoy that anyway. He’s been…testy lately.”
Nodding, I thanked her. If Halina stayed here at the ranch, she would only sense that my presence was in town. She wouldn’t know that I was darting all around it, not really staying with Nika.
She started to leave me, then paused. “If you bite her—”
I immediately cut her off. “I’m not going to.”
She raised a finger at me. “I know how easily it can happen in those situations. I just wanted to warn you, to not take more than a small sip. If it becomes too much, if the desire is too strong, then you have a glass of blood nearby, at the ready. You understand me?”
I blinked, disbelieving that she was giving me tips on how to successfully have sex with a human. This was so much stranger than my dad’s birds and the bees talk. And that had been pretty strange.
“I’m not biting her tonight,” I repeated. To put her mind at ease, I added, “But we’ll keep blood handy…if it starts to go that way.”
Flashing a smile, she ruffled my hair. “Excellent. Enjoy your evening then, and make sure you return well before sunrise.” I briefly considered telling her about the hunters I’d been coming across, but I didn’t. For one, she’d never leave me alone with Nika tonight if I told her—she’d probably rouse the family and form nightly search parties. Secondly, she’d probably berate me for not killing the potential threats to our nest. But I didn’t plan on killing anyone anymore—except my father. He would be my last sin. Well, him and then myself.
Once Halina was completely gone from the pool building, she added on the breeze, “Oh, and don’t leave the city, Hunter, or I will bring you back.”
I clenched my jaw and ducked my head under the water. My chain might have been lengthened, but it was still very much a leash.
When it was time, I headed out to see Nika. It was almost strange to leave the ranch and not have Halina’s presence follow me. It gave me a sad, wistful feeling that made me want to turn around and return to her. But I knew that manufactured feeling was from the bond, and I fought against it.
For the first time since my conversion, I ran the entire way to Nika’s and didn’t feel the least bit drained afterward. I was getting so much stronger, nearly at my peak. Excitement started to build in me as I leapt to the second story. I was about to eat. Steaming warmth was about to be coursing down my aching throat. I almost let out a growl of anticipation as I scrambled to Nika’s window. I needed to calm down, but I was so ready for it.
Before I opened Nika’s unlocked window, I scanned the evening sky. Inhaling the breeze, I sniffed for any scent that didn’t belong. I listened to every noise, letting them all assault me at once. A cacophony of heartbeats filled my ears, but none nearby were beating rapidly; all was quiet tonight. Satisfied that no threats were lurking, I opened Nika’s window and crawled inside her bedroom. Not wanting her to freeze, I instantly closed the window behind me. Nika stirred on her bed, but she didn’t wake up. As I stared at her, I wondered why I really came here to eat. Surely, I could do it on my own by now. How much of this routine was about food, and how much of it was about Nika?
Sadness filled me, and I ached to lie beside her. We were supposed to be together…in another life. One where I was still human, and she was only human. Who knows, maybe in that life, I would have given up hunting to be with her. I’d always imagined her joining me in the fight, but maybe I would have retired, and spent a life full of peace with her. Didn’t matter now; all of that was gone.
Thinking maybe I should stop coming here, I sat on the edge of her bed. My weight on the mattress woke her up. “Hunter?” she whispered into the grayness.
I turned my enhanced eyes her way. Most of the glow was blocked by the streetlamps filtering light into the room, but I knew there was still an unnatural brightness around the whites of my eyes. Demon eyes. Nika didn’t seem bothered by them as she stretched out, then sat up. “Hey,” she murmured, lacing her arms around my neck.
Like always, her smell, heart, and warmth hit me all at the same time. I practically purred in her embrace. Caving with need, I wrapped my arms around her waist and buried my face in her neck. God, she smelled so good.
She threaded her fingers through the back of my hair and sighed in a happy way, like she’d been wanting to do this all day. “You’re not as cold as you normally are,” she breathed in my ear.
I shuddered as I spoke into her skin. “I took a bath. A six-hour bath.”
She laughed and pulled back to look at me. One benefit of vampirism, I supposed, was the fact that there were no time limits on hot tubs. I could have spent the entire evening submerged under the near-boiling water and been quite content. Nika’s fingers traveled down my cheek. “I love seeing you like this.” Her eyes glowed at me, but with love, not phosphorescence. It made me feel even worse. I should push her away. I just…couldn’t.
I tilted my head as I examined her. “Like what?”
She cupped my cheek. “Healthy. Happy.”
Not meaning to say anything, I whispered, “Do I look happy?”
Her smile fell. “Aren’t you?”
I pulled away from her. I hadn’t meant to give her any insight into my emotional turmoil. Best if she thought I was content, or at least becoming content. Then she wouldn’t try to figure out what I was up to. But then, it would only hurt her more when my plan came together. When I left her. That was the way it had to be though.
I gave her a half-smile. “I’m still struggling with this, Nika. Eating. Drinking blood. I don’t…I wouldn’t say I’m happy.” Her face shifted into compassion. The look was so beguiling on her, I couldn’t hold back my next words. “But being with you gets me close to feeling happy again…”
Her eyes filled with moisture as she stared at me. The heaviness in my chest lifted, and I instinctually leaned toward her. She automatically came toward me, and our lips met in the middle. For a second, as her mouth moved in sync with mine, I felt completely at peace. I felt human again. My hand came up to thread through her hair, then slid down to her neck, holding her close to me. Her heartbeat picked up when my tongue slipped into her mouth. The growl that escaped my chest was both from longing and desire. I wanted her, in so many ways.
Not feeling human anymore, I pulled away from her. She gasped, then tried to pull me back to her. “It’s okay. The growling doesn’t bother me.” Breathless, she added, “It’s kind of hot.”
I wanted to sink my teeth into her flesh. I wanted to strip the tank top off her. Knowing I couldn’t give in to either carnal desire, I murmured, “I’m hungry.”
Nika instantly stood and held out her hand for mine. “Then let’s get you something to eat.”
She gave me a shy smile as her eyes flicked to the bed. I knew she was hoping we’d return to fooling around once I’d fed, but that wasn’t going to happen. Not wanting her to see my grief, I grabbed her hand and stood. Nika beamed at me as she led me downstairs. I hated the hope in her eyes—hope for us. God, I was a selfish son of a bitch for coming here every night. I needed to end this. I was strong enough to eat on my own. I didn’t need her holding my hand anymore. I clasped her fingers tighter after that thought.
Nika released me when we got to the kitchen. Tucking her long hair behind her ears, she set about making me my nightly meal. Now that my hunger wasn’t so dire, she warmed a large batch of blood on the stovetop, instead of the microwave. I preferred it that way; the blood’s temperature was more consistent. I sort of hated that I had a preference now.
Feeling eager and anxious, I gripped the counter behind me as I leaned against it. I couldn’t peel my eyes away from the blood she was pouring into the pot. Another growl escaped me, a hunger-filled growl. With a chuckle, Nika murmured, “Calm yourself, I’m working on it.”
Her humor broke the blood’s hold, and I glanced up at her. A charming grin lit her face as she watched me, and a very human laugh replaced my primal noise. Embracing it, I eased my stance. “Sorry. Guess I was hungrier than I realized.”
Once all the blood was in the pot and Nika had the stove on low, she turned to me. “That’s because you need to eat more than once a day. You’re not a five-year-old, you’re a newborn.”
She crossed her arms over her chest like a mother scolding her child. The disciplinary posture would have been more effective if her lounge pants weren’t disastrously low on her hips, exposing a good chunk of her waistline. The blood suddenly wasn’t the only appealing thing in the room.
Eyes on her bare stomach, I walked over to stand in front of her. Her hands dropped to her sides as her heart spiked at my nearness. “I’m not a child,” I whispered, dragging my knuckles over her exposed abdomen.
She swallowed, hard. “I know.”
Her breath picked up. It pulled me toward her. Our hips touched, then I pressed her into the counter behind her. Placing my hands on the counter, on either side of her, I trapped her there with my body. She tentatively placed her hands on my chest, slowly rubbing them up and down. The movement sent shockwaves through my body. It was better than the bloody aroma filling the room.
Overwhelmed and unthinking, I started lowering my head to hers. Before our lips touched, she whispered, “Grandma’s not with you?”
I paused, my lips brushing hers. “No. She gave me a night to myself, since I’m eating.”
Her hand came up to my neck, digging into my skin as she tried to pull me closer. “Are you staying with me tonight? Please?”
Her voice. Her actions. Her obvious need. It woke a very human part of my body. I wanted her so much. The ache overriding my common sense, I adjusted our hips so I could press my desire against hers. My name falling from her lips, she moaned and dropped her head back. Her neck was now directly touching my mouth. I groaned as I leaned down to suck on her skin. Her hand tangled in my hair, holding me in place. Her leg wrapped around my hip, squeezing us together again. It was too much for my body. I needed so much more. I needed all of her.
My hand came down to pull her leg farther up mine. It gave me a better angle to press against her, and she gasped. My other hand ran up her side, my fingers brushing past the bottom of her breast. She squirmed, panting. I sucked harder on her neck, wishing I could drop my fangs and sink even deeper.
Nika rocked her hips hard against mine in a rhythm that was quickly making every last speck of reason leave my body. God, I loved her. I wanted her. I wanted inside of her. I wanted to possess her. I wanted to pierce her skin. I wanted to drink from her.
I lifted my lips from her neck right as my fangs crashed down. I barely pulled them away in time. Nika snapped her head down to stare at me; her eyes blazed with lust. “Don’t stop,” she whispered, rubbing herself against me. My eyes closed as the sensation of her body gyrating against mine warmed me more than the hours of hot water.
“Nika…I won’t drink from you.” I said the words through clenched teeth, my fangs still fully extended.
Then another growl filled the kitchen, this time from her. My eyes sprang open as the desire in me tripled. Something about that sound ignited me. She was right, it was hot. As I watched, Nika bared her teeth. My breath picked up as I watched her fangs extend. While I should have been revolted, some part of me was excited by what she was showing me. Her eyes still locked on mine, her hand ran down to pull the neck of my t-shirt open to expose my shoulder. An ache unlike anything I’d ever felt before filled me.
“Yes. God yes,” I murmured, tilting my head to give her complete and total access to my skin. I had never wanted anything more in my life, than for her to bite me. God, was this what she felt when I teased her? Was this what it could be like for us? “Please,” I croaked, marveling that I was begging her to bite me.
Her tiny fangs ran across my tender flesh, scratching me, and I convulsed under her touch. “Please do it,” I whispered, my breath fast with need.
She paused with her lips against my skin. “I never have before. Do it with me?”
She angled her head so I could bite her while she bit me. The aching pulse of need flushed out every other sensation in my body. Ready, overwhelmed, I moaned, “Yes,” and clamped my teeth on her skin.
My hand across her back held her tight as I drove my hips against hers at a frenzied pace. I had lost control on every single level. So had she. We were both poised and ready for the bite, to bury ourselves in each other, but another need was escalating first. Nika’s teeth retreated from my skin as she dropped her head back. Her movement changed my focus, and I watched her face instead of her neck.
“Oh God, Hunter…” she moaned, before letting out a noise that was so erotic, I almost couldn’t remain standing. Her arms and legs clenched around me as the explosion rocketed her body. It was mesmerizing to watch, by far more interesting than the blood rushing through her veins, or beginning to bubble on the stove.
I slowed my pace, letting her down easy. Like pliable putty, she collapsed into my arms. I released her leg and held her tight to me while both of our breaths stabilized. I still wanted her, but reason was returning to me now, and I wouldn’t go any further with her tonight.
Regret filled me as my body calmed down. That shouldn’t have happened. She was too young for something that intense. And I couldn’t be out of control with her. I almost… Several things almost happened that shouldn’t have.
When she could stand on her own again, I stepped away from her. She was all flushed and giggly, happy. I…was not. Averting my eyes, I whispered, “I’m sorry. That shouldn’t have happened.”
She grabbed my elbow, making me face her. “Don’t. Don’t ruin this by saying stuff like that. You just gave me something…” she beamed as she smiled, “…amazing. Don’t feel bad for that.”
I pointed at her neck. “I also almost took something.”
She shook her head. “No. I wanted to give that to you.” She looked down. “I wanted to share that with you. I want to share everything with you.”
Needing to get my mind off what had just happened. I grabbed the pot of blood on the stove. “Don’t tempt me yet, Nika. I might not be able to stop next time.” I poured the blood into my mouth straight from the pot. It was wonderfully disgusting. It burned my lips, my throat, but I didn’t care. The pain was momentary, and it was better than the guilt and nausea I was feeling.
As I swallowed large gulpfuls, Nika told me, “I don’t want you to stop next time. I’m ready for you…whenever you’re ready for me.”
I paused in drinking to stare at her. Swiping my hand over the back of my mouth, I shook my head. “You don’t know what you’re saying. Sex permanently complicates things, and you can’t ever go back to the uncomplicated times.” I knew she didn’t just mean sex, but that was the only thing I could focus on right now. I couldn’t think about biting her.
Nika crossed her arms over her chest, again resembling a scolding parent. “When have you and I ever not been complicated? The only thing sex will do to us is…” she reached out and ran her hand down my arm, “…is bring us closer. And sometimes…I feel so distant from you.”
Closing my eyes, I turned away from her. The distance was my fault. It was also intentional. It would be easier for her, in the end, if we didn’t get any closer. “I can’t go there with you, Nika. I’m sorry.” I finished the pot of blood without pausing again. Nika was silent as she watched me.
When I was full, I felt more level-headed, more in control. I faced her, and her grief. She wanted an intimacy with me that went beyond our physical closeness. She wanted me to stay. I owed her some small amount of honesty, I just wasn’t sure if I could really give it to her. Cupping her cheeks, I whispered, “You are so important to me. More than you’ll ever know. But I can’t cave into these desires. I can’t bite you. And sex…will lead to biting. I’m positive of that.”
She lifted her chin as her eyes filled. “You won’t kill me.” She shook her head. “You can’t. If you take too much, I’ll just…I’ll convert, like all my other family members.”
I raised an eyebrow at her. “That’s not the story I’ve been told, Nika. You’re too young, your conversion won’t happen for another decade. A death for you now, would just be a death.”
I started to walk away from her, and, panicking, she grabbed my arm. “Okay. No sex. No biting. But please, stay with me tonight. Don’t leave again. Don’t eat and run. Just…stay with me. Hold me.”
Everything in me was conflicted. Holding her all night sounded so wonderful. So did sex. So did biting. But weren’t they all different facets of the same problem? They would all bring us closer, and I was trying to avoid that. Maybe seeing that I was conflicted, she added, “You’re fed now. I won’t be as tempting to you.”
I smirked at her statement. “You’ll always be tempting to me, Nika.” Closing my eyes, I felt defeat swell in me. Maybe I could stay for a little while, at least until she fell asleep. “Okay. I’ll stay.”
She hugged me tight, and I again felt my world shifting. Could I leave her? I wasn’t sure anymore. But I had to try. Holding onto the hope of going after my father was the only way I was surviving this hellish life I’d been forsaken with. If I abandoned that mission, there’d be nothing left of me, and I was certain I’d slip back into the melancholy that had made every second of my life excruciating. And besides, I had to leave, to keep Nika safe from Dad’s hunters. My father had to be stopped. My father had to be punished for what he’d done to me.
But, maybe if I lived through this battle, I’d return. For her. Maybe. If she still wanted me after that.
Nika sent me upstairs to wait for her while she cleaned up the evidence of my nightly gorging. I listened to her as she pulled some blood from the freezer and reheated it. Her parents hadn’t caught on to the fact that she was replenishing the fresh blood with frozen every night, but I was sure they’d notice when their supply unexpectedly ran out. Nika hummed while she worked, perfectly happy since I’d agreed to spend the night with her. Slipping off my boots, I again debated if I was doing the right thing. I didn’t think so.
Nika was grinning when she rejoined me. It was her vibrant stunning smile that stole my breath, made me reconsider lying beside her. In a bed. Why did she have to be so beautiful? And warm, funny, sweet, wonderful. Why did I have to be in love with her?
Closing the door, she hurried to my side. I was sitting on top of the covers, my knees in the air, my arms wrapped around my knees. Not exactly a cuddling posture. Nika didn’t care. She sat beside me, and curled both of her arms around one of mine. Then she laid her head on my shoulder. A stab of loneliness pierced my heart, and I wanted to sob for the humanity I’d lost. Instead, I kissed the top of her head, then scooted down the bed, so we were lying on our sides, facing one another. Her fingers traveled down to my hands, and she brought them to her lips, kissing each knuckle.
I felt lost as I stared into her eyes. I also felt found. Wrapping my arms over and under her, I pulled her into the safety of my body. She held her arms tight to her chest and let me cocoon her. I laid my cheek on her hair and let every troubling, wondrous emotion tumble through me. I pushed nothing away, and it hurt in the best possible way.
“I love you, Hunter,” she whispered.
A fresh shock of pain exploded in my chest. I loved her so much. I wished it was enough. “I love you, too, Nika.”
She sighed in contentment, and nuzzled into my chest even more. The feeling was overwhelming. I almost couldn’t take it, but I couldn’t leave either. Cautious of her fragility, I clutched her closer to me.