MY BROTHER WAS happy. I could feel it. Thanks to the emotional bond that Julian and I shared, I could always feel what he was feeling, and for the last few months he’d been in a never-ending state of bliss. It was annoying. Right now, Julian was upstairs in his room, doing homework with the girl he was dating—my best friend, Arianna. They were talking and laughing, and generally doing very little actual homework. I was going to have to help him with it once she left, I just knew it.
I was in the kitchen with Mom and Dad, helping them make dinner. Tonight, we were having pot roast. While the cooking meat smelled incredible, I wasn’t really looking forward to eating it. I just wasn’t in the mood. I wasn’t in the mood for a lot lately. Like listening to Julian flirt. That I definitely could have gone without.
Standing beside the kitchen sink, I started peeling a huge pile of carrots. Even though I could have used my enhanced speed to peel, slice, and dice the vegetable in a matter of seconds, I took my time. Doing things at a normal, human pace had been drilled into me since birth. On occasion, I sometimes forgot that I could move super-sonically. But tonight, the regular pace was soothing. Somewhat.
While long orange strands of carrot flesh piled up in the sink, Arianna’s giggling intensified. I wasn’t sure what the heck Julian was doing to her, but it was clearly making her happy, and I was already wishing it would stop. Just when I was debating snapping at him to get to work, since they were supposed to be studying, Arianna squealed, “Julian, stop tickling me!”
Ugh. How long were my parents going to let this non-studying continue? Mom was stirring a pot of blood on the stove, while Dad watched her. The smile on Dad’s face was calm and peaceful as he leaned against the counter, arms crossed over his crisp blue dress shirt; he didn’t seem to be concerned at all that Julian was slacking off on his schoolwork.
Julian and Dad were startlingly similar, with jet-black hair and sky blue eyes. It was a deadly combination; Arianna constantly told me it was her undoing. She’d even jokingly told me once that my family’s signature blue eyes made her want to have an Adams baby one day. Thankfully, that “day” was a long way off. Arianna and my brother weren’t even technically boyfriend and girlfriend yet, and Arianna had no intention of sleeping with him until they were. While I thought that was pretty smart of her, the delay was a huge blessing for me; I didn’t like thinking about my brother having sex, and I definitely didn’t want to emotionally experience him doing it. I didn’t think I’d survive it. Just feeling him make out was bad enough.
Mom paused in her task to smile at Dad. Looks-wise, I took after her with warm brown eyes and wavy brown hair. It seemed a less dramatic combination than Julian and my dad shared, but it certainly worked for Mom; she was gorgeous. And I’d been told I was pretty, even by people outside of my family. A boy once told me I was beautiful, but I didn’t like to think about that. Or him.
Dad had a small smile on his face while he gazed at Mom; he usually did when he was looking at her. You’d think the novelty of being around each other would have worn off after the first decade or so, but not for my parents. They still acted like teenagers in love, still hopelessly head over heels for each other. For as long as I could remember, I’d wanted that. I’d wanted a boy to look at me with as much love and adoration as my parents had for each other. I’d longed for it. And, for a split-second, I’d thought I’d had it, or was close to having it, but it had slipped away from me. No, it had been forcibly ripped away from me. And I still couldn’t get over it. I didn’t think I ever would.
Trying to ignore the laughter upstairs, and Julian’s buoyant mood, I returned my concentration to the carrots. While I went about my work, Mom grabbed glasses from a cupboard and poured some steaming blood for her and Dad. The smell of the warm liquid in the air made my mouth water. I didn’t need blood like my parents did, but it was still the most incredible thing on Earth. Better than pizza, better than chocolate, better than a kiss from a boy. Well, almost better.
Dad took the blood from Mom, thanking her with a peck on the cheek. Mom clinked glasses with him before taking a sip. When the beautiful red liquid slipped past their lips, their fangs dropped. It was a reaction none of us could control. We normally held our teeth in twenty-four-seven, but the moment a speck of blood touched our tongues, our teeth were impossible to contain. Mom and Dad made satisfied noises as they closed their eyes and enjoyed their plasma.
Seeing and hearing so much contentment around me almost made me want to leave the house, walk down to Jacen and Starla’s place or something, but I knew I wouldn’t. For one, Jacen and Starla were just as content—the aging, mixed-blood vampire who played my mother was very happy with her seemingly younger, undead, mixed-blood boyfriend. Secondly, Mom and Dad wouldn’t let me leave right before dinner. But aside from those facts, the real reason I wouldn’t go out for a walk was because I knew I’d be tempted to walk by his place. And I tried not to do that. It hurt too much.
I started chopping the peeled carrots while my parents drank their meals and chatted about their mutual workplace—Mom was Dad’s assistant, a fact they both found amusing. As Dad teasingly told Mom that he would like his secretary to start making him “Bloody” Marys in the morning, the sound of laughter upstairs faded away, and heavy breathing and lip-smacking took its place.
Frowning, Dad instantly looked up at the ceiling and said, “Julian, I think you and Arianna should come down now.”
He spoke at a normal volume, like Julian was in the room with us, but I knew my brother heard him; there was rustling upstairs as he moved away from Arianna. Nerves and embarrassment washing through him, Julian cleared his throat. “Umm…my parents want us to come downstairs now.”
Arianna instantly remembered just what she’d seemingly forgotten in the last few minutes. “Oh my God! Can they hear us kissing?”
Brimming with equal parts unease and joy, Julian hastily told her, “Yeah… Sorry, I shouldn’t have started that. Sometimes I forget that they’re around when I’m with you. I forget a lot of things when I’m with you…” Arianna giggled, and the sound of soft kissing filtered down again.
Knife in hand, I glared up at the ceiling. “Oh my God, Julian, if you’re not going to do your homework, which is what you’re supposed to be doing, then get your ass down here and help with dinner.”
Anger rushed through Julian so fast, I had to close my eyes. “I know you’re going through a lot, Nick, but you don’t have to be pissy all the time.”
Until recently, Julian and I had always gotten along. While I called Arianna my best friend, truly that honor went to Julian. But lately, we’d been butting heads. I knew it was in large part because of the bond. He was happy, and I was miserable, and I resented having to be submerged in his never-ending joy. I knew it was wrong of me to be irritated by his happiness…but knowing that didn’t stop the arguing.
“Bite me, Julian,” I growled.
Dad finished his glass and set it inside the sink. “Stop it, both of you,” he snarled. Dad was cool, but he was starting to lose his temper with us. I didn’t blame him, I would be irritated with us too, but I glared at him anyway, because I just couldn’t be reasonable and mature right now. I was a sixteen-year-old girl with a shattered heart. I felt like that gave me some leeway to be a little bitchy.
Seconds later, Julian blurred into the room with Arianna in his arms; she was giggling, but she was holding onto Julian for dear life, and that was probably the real reason why Julian had moved into the room so quickly.
Mom finished her glass of blood then set in the sink with Dad’s. Over her shoulder, she gave Julian a reproachful glance. “Normal speed, Julian. You know better.”
Clearly only half-listening to Mom, Julian set Arianna down near the island in the middle of the kitchen. Still not entirely used to zipping around so fast, Arianna wobbled on her feet a bit. My friend had always been adorable, flirty, and cute, but being with Julian was changing her some. She’d grown out her caramel hair so that it was just past her shoulders. Her hazel eyes were highlighted in a spectacular burst of mascara, and everything in her wardrobe had shrunk a half size. It was as if teasing Julian with the promise of what he could one day have with her had become her goal in life. It was working too. Julian thought about Arianna nonstop. I could tell, just by his emotions.
While Julian stood behind Arianna, wrapping his arms around her trim waist, Dad lifted his hand and pointed upstairs. His voice authoritative, he told Julian, “I think studying should be done at the kitchen table from now on.”
Arianna flushed with color, and every vampire in the room looked her way. Blood rushing to the surface of the skin was just something we noticed. None of us would do anything about it, but like admiring a gorgeous cake in a bakery window, we appreciated the beauty of it. Arianna didn’t seem to notice the inspection of her skin tone. She was too wrapped up in her embarrassment. “Sorry, Mr. Adams…won’t happen again.”
Chuckling, Julian buried his head in her neck and murmured, “You sure?”
Dad cleared his throat, before his disapproving face shifted to a soft smile. Addressing Arianna, he politely told her, “Please, call me Teren, Arianna, even in private. The people here don’t know my true connection to the children. You’ll be less likely to mess up, if you only refer to me by name.”
Arianna’s face turned thoughtful as she nodded. Since she knew the truth now, Arianna was part of the deception, and the world believed our father was dead, and our real father was only related to us through marriage. In the lie, Dad’s last name wasn’t even Adams. It was Thompson, which still sounded strange to me.
Understanding the oddness of what he was asking of Arianna, Dad gave her a sympathetic smile as he motioned to the kitchen table. “Dinner is almost ready. Why don’t you have a seat?” His eyes flashed to Julian’s. “And why don’t you help Nika cut the vegetables?”
Clearly not wanting to let Arianna go, Julian sighed in a lovesick way that irritated me. Feeling my mood, he shot me a cool glance. “Sure,” he said to Dad as he walked my way.
Grabbing another knife from the block, Julian stepped beside me. I moved over a step, and Julian grunted, then grabbed a fistful of the peeled carrots. While I went back to tenaciously Julienne slicing the carrots, Mom and Dad sat at the table with Arianna and asked her about school. Julian watched his girlfriend bonding with his family with a satisfied smile on his lips. It made me want to poke him with my knife. Just a little.
While the sound of people talking filled the air, Julian leaned over and said, “What’s your problem?”
Intent on my carrots, I muttered, “I don’t have a problem.”
Julian shook his dark head, and I studiously ignored his intense gaze. “You can’t lie to me, Nick. I know you. I know you better than anyone.”
Hating that he was right, I glared up at him. “If you know me so well, then you don’t have to ask, do you?”
The heat in his eyes faded as he stared at me. “Nick…”
Compassion and sympathy surged through Julian, and my eyes watered as a ball of pain climbed up my throat. I pushed it back as best I could. I couldn’t think about it. I couldn’t think about him. I needed to press the memory of what we’d had, however briefly, from my mind. It was gone. Dead and gone, and we were over. Swallowing, I snapped, “Just cut your freaking carrots, and leave me alone.”
Confusion and irritation swirled through my brother, and under his breath, he told me, “I know you miss him, I know you worry about him, but why are you always taking it out on me?” Anger flared inside him again, and he muttered, “I’m not the one who hurt you, so quit being such a bitch.”
“Julian!” That admonishment came from both my mother and my father who had easily heard Julian’s almost imperceptible speech.
Julian glanced at them, and Arianna looked at all of us, confused. Turning to face them, Julian shrugged, “I’m sorry, but you know I’ve got a point. She’s been nothing but prickly and moody ever since Hunter converted.” Hearing Hunter’s name was a physical blow to the chest. I even inhaled a sharp breath and took a step back. Julian’s pale eyes returned to me, painful compassion filling him again. “I’m so sorry it happened, Nick, I really am, but you’ve turned into this cold, bitter person I don’t even know anymore. I want my sister back. I want my best friend back.”
The tears in my eyes built to an intolerable level. “I’m sorry if my pain is an inconvenience to you. I’m sorry that I’m having trouble dealing with the death of the only person I’ve ever loved. God, how selfish of me, to rain on your perfect parade with my own petty problems. Why don’t me and my patheticness just go somewhere else, so you don’t have to listen to my ‘pissy’ attitude anymore.” With those words, I adjusted the knife in my hands and slammed it into the cutting board. Thanks to my revved-up strength, the blade went right through the board and into the granite countertop beneath it.
I stormed away from Julian. “Nika, wait, that’s not what I—” He reached out for me, but I avoided contact with him. Arianna’s eyes were huge as she stared at the knife impaled into the countertop like the famed sword in the stone. Saying my name, Dad stood from the table, but I ignored him too. I didn’t need a lecture right now. I needed to be alone.
Hating my life, I stomped out the front door. I wanted to go somewhere, anywhere, I just didn’t have anywhere to go. And there was nowhere on this Earth where I could escape my family anyway. I could sense every relative who was a vampire. I could feel their exact location; my parents and my brother were in the kitchen, two of my grandmothers were miles away at the ranch. I could close my eyes, spin around three dozen times, and still flawlessly point each one of them out. But what hurt most of all, was the fact that I could feel Hunter too. Hunter had my family’s blood inside him now, and his pinpoint inside my head ceaselessly banged like a drum, one I could never escape from. There was no peace for me, because I was constantly “aware” of him.
Currently, Hunter was with Halina. They were several miles south of the city, away from the ranch where the others were staying. Hunter still refused to accept what he was…what I was. There was an obstacle between us that we would never be able to get past. Even though we could both potentially live for several millennia, there was no future for us.
Spring was fast approaching, but it was still frigid outside. I didn’t care as I paced the porch. Clenching and unclenching my fists, I willed the tears I wanted to release to remain inside my body. Through the walls, I could hear my family debating who should come out to talk to me. Arianna wanted to go, but she didn’t really understand the situation. Julian wanted to talk to me, but he didn’t want to make me even madder, and feeling the mood I was in, he knew he would. Mom started approaching the door, but Dad cut her off. “I got this, Em.”
I closed my eyes and grit my teeth, wishing, just once, that my parents weren’t so involved with our lives. Couldn’t I wallow in pain like any normal teenager? Couldn’t I get any peace? When Dad opened the front door, I looked back at him and hiccupped a breath. A part of me wanted to fall apart in his arms, and a part of me wanted to stay strong, stay pissed. Anger was such an easier emotion than pain.
His youthful face concerned, Dad quietly shut the door. He sat on a bench nearby while I continued pacing. He didn’t say anything, just watched as I made back and forth patterns across the worn wood of the deck. As the boards under my feet creaked, fury swam through my heart. It felt good, and I embraced it. “He’s such a jerk,” I bit out.
Tilting his head, Dad asked, “Julian? Or Hunter?”
Hearing his name, I stopped and stared at Dad. The hurt in my chest amplified tenfold. I struggled to hold onto the heat, the wrath, but like the crispness in the air, icy devastation leaked around the outsides of my heart, slowly suffocating the flames. “He said he loved me…” my voice warbled as I whispered my inner torture.
Dad nodded as he leaned over his knees. “I know,” he answered.
I swallowed the sob that wanted to escape. “Then he left…and he won’t come back.” I’d felt so hopeful for us when Hunter had snuck into my bedroom and shared his feelings for me after his conversion, but that had been months ago, and I hadn’t heard a peep from him since. My hope had turned to despair long ago.
Face full of compassion, Dad again said, “I know.”
Wanting him to somehow fix this, like he fixed everything, I tossed my hands into the air. “What do I do?”
Dad patted the bench beside him, and I reluctantly sat down. There was a light breeze that sent a shiver up my spine as it stirred the ends of my long locks. Winter was hesitant to release its hold on the earth, but spring would soon be erupting throughout the city. I could already smell the emerging life in the air. New romances would blossom around school as well—it happened every year—and I didn’t want to see the new crop of delighted, joyful faces. I’d rather we just skipped past spring and tumbled directly into summer. That used to be my favorite time of year. In the past, I’d longed for those lazy days, when my obligations were fewer and I could spend more time at the ranch with my family. Now, free time was about the last thing I wanted. No, it was better to be at school. At least I was busy there; it helped keep my mind off things.
Voice soft, Dad told me, “There isn’t anything you can do about Hunter, Nika. He has to deal with what was done to him. He has to deal with who he is now. There’s nothing that you, or me, or even Great-Gran can do to help him. His happiness is up to him, just like your happiness is up to you.” Reaching over, Dad grabbed my hand. His was ice cold, chillier than the breeze washing across my exposed cheeks. “Even though it hurts, and believe me, honey, I know exactly how much you’re hurting right now, you have to let him go.”
I nodded, sniffing back tears. Dad had suffered a huge loss when he was my age, so he really did understand what I was going through, but I still clung tight to the agony, not yet ready to release it. Letting out a long exhale, Dad wrapped his arms around me. The warmth in his freezing embrace was more than I could handle. The wall holding back my reservoir of pain broke, and my cheeks instantly flooded with moisture. Dad calmly rubbed my back while I sobbed in his arms. I hated crying about Hunter; I felt like I’d done it way too much. My family was right—I was becoming someone I didn’t know, someone I didn’t like. I needed to release Hunter, for my own sake. I had no choice but to let him go. He wasn’t coming back anyway.
When my tears were all used up, Dad and I sat side-by-side in silence. His arm was wrapped around me, and I laid my head on his shoulder. He didn’t offer any more words of wisdom, just held and supported me. Dad was my rock, and I knew, without a doubt, as I sat next to him that I could do this. I could emerge from my funk and once again be the hopeful girl who looked at life through optimistic eyes. One failed romance shouldn’t be the end of my world. I was stronger than that. At least, I wanted to be stronger than that.
Tuning out my pain, I listened to the world around me. Someone was playing loud music a few doors down. I wasn’t sure what song it was, but there was a definite Reggae rhythm to it. In the other direction, an elderly woman was snapping at her tiny dog to stop barking. She always got after her dog about its incessant yapping, but she treated the tiny canine as well as any human child, possibly better. I could make out birds chirping in the trees, an undeniable sign that warmer weather was indeed on the way. I could make out traffic nearby, moving and stopping, creating a symphony of sound that was beautiful in its own way. All around me the world was alive—full of opportunity, hope, and potential. A part of me wanted to embrace it, and I clung to that slippery thread. I wanted to be my own source of happiness.
Lifting my head, I looked at Dad. “Thank you.”
Smiling, Dad kissed my temple. “No need to thank me. I’m always here for you and your brother…even if you sometimes don’t want me to be.” He smirked, and I laughed at his expression. Patting my thigh, he said, “Ready to eat?”
I nodded as sudden hunger overwhelmed me. I hadn’t been eating a lot lately—wallowing in grief was a surefire way to lose weight. But I was going to try tonight; I wasn’t sure how long this peaceful, hopeful feeling would last. As tightly as I clung to it, I could already feel the edges of it start to slip from my grasp. But instead of giving up and releasing it, I clung even tighter. I was the only one who could make me happy.
When Dad and I walked back into the kitchen, Mom was setting the table. After she set down the roast, she swooped me into a tight hug. “I love you, honey,” she whispered into my hair. I sighed as I patted her cold back. I hated worrying my parents; the last several months had been hard on them too.
“Love you, too, Mom.”
When I turned to sit at the table, I noticed that Julian and Arianna were sitting as far apart from each other as possible. From Julian’s mood, I could tell it was intentional. He was trying to make things easier for me by not being overly affectionate with her. My heart softened as I considered just how much of a bitch I’d been lately. Julian had been put through hell by his first crush. Raquel had led him on, toyed with his emotions, but all her torments had never turned him into a sullen, bitter asshole. Well, not fully. After everything he’d been through with Raquel, I had no right to resent the fact that he was now happy with Arianna. I didn’t want to. I wanted to embrace his happiness, wanted to encourage it. He deserved it…they both did.
Pointing at Arianna, I told them, “You don’t have to do that; you guys can sit together.”
Julian shook his dark head. “We don’t want to rub it in your face.”
Inhaling a deep, cleansing breath, I looked at them both. “You’re not. I promise.”
I turned to stare at Julian, letting him feel my emotions. They were level for once, moderately happy even. Feeling me, understanding me, Julian stood up. “I’m sorry I said you were a bitch,” he said as we crossed paths.
The corner of my lips jerked up into a smile. “Don’t be, you were right.” Remorse filled me as I looked over my family. “But that’s not who I want to be, so I’m going to try to be better.” I locked eyes with Dad. “I’m going to try to let him go.”
Julian gave me a quick hug, then flitted over to Arianna’s side of the table. My friend shot to her feet to give me a warm embrace. “Love you, Nick,” she whispered in my ear before returning to Julian’s side. She’d started using Julian’s nickname for me once they’d started dating. As much as I hated to admit it sometimes, they were very cute together. Almost perfect.
Mom and Dad sat down. We didn’t talk about anything deep or anything hard. We mainly stuck to school topics, work topics, and family topics. And, for a moment, I felt just like my old self.
When Julian left to take Arianna home, I did my best to ignore his soaring mood, and tried not to let his joy sour me. Instead, I shifted my pain to happiness for him. And happiness for us. Julian was driving Arianna home in our new car; Dad had finally caved and bought us one. It was a very practical four-door station wagon with absolutely no frills, and Julian and I had to share it, which sometimes led to arguments, but the small amount of freedom it provided was exhilarating.
After saying goodnight to my parents, I headed upstairs. What I saw while I was brushing my teeth was nothing short of miraculous. Julian’s room was clean. Everything was off his floor, every item in his closet was properly hung, and every book in his bookcase was facing the right direction…I think they were even alphabetized. Even his bed was made. Rumpled, but made. This was typically how his room looked nowadays. It was such a huge change from the pigsty it had always been before he’d started dating Arianna; I couldn’t help but be awed every time I looked in here. Definitely a positive side effect of dating my best friend. One of many.
I closed my side of the bathroom door once I was finished, then changed and got ready for bed. It was early, but I hadn’t been sleeping well recently, and I really wanted a decent amount of rest tonight. Maybe I’d feel better in the morning. Maybe I’d be able to hold onto this sliver of hope I’d found tonight. After changing into my pajamas, I stared at my dresser; just looking at it made a searing pain rip through my chest. Sitting atop the dresser were two items that were very morbid to have in a bedroom—urns. One was gray granite mixed with specks of rose quartz, and the other was pitch black; the black stone reminded me of a pool of deep red blood. Both had fangs engraved into the stone, so subtly that you wouldn’t realize what they were unless you firmly believed in my kind.
An internal battle stirred my soul as I stared at the inanimate objects. These things were important to me, but they were also holding me down. If I was ever going to be free, I needed to be rid of them. I took a step toward my dresser, then stopped. Just the idea of removing them from my sight was difficult. I could see Hunter’s face with picture perfect clarity whenever I looked at his urn—the darkness of his hair, the intensity of his eyes, the course stubble along his jaw. His features were clear as day when my eyes traced the etching of his name upon the blackness. As was his voice.
“I want you to keep it. Store it next to my sister’s. I don’t deserve her company.” And the last thing I’d ever heard him say to me. “I love you, too.”
The memory was too much to bear, and I felt the edge of defeat crawl up my spine. Knowing what I had to do, I picked up each urn. They felt like they weighed a thousand pounds as I held them to my chest. Keeping my emotions as level as possible, I walked downstairs and into the garage. Some cardboard boxes were lying on my dad’s workbench. Finding one that was the right size, I placed the urns inside it. I packed them carefully so they wouldn’t break, then I taped up the box.
Pulling out Dad’s ladder, I dragged it over to the access panel for the storage space. Popping open the hole that led to a small attic caused a light layer of plaster to fall around me. Feeling sniffly for a few different reasons, I grabbed the box and gently pushed it up into the hole. Once it was in the attic, I climbed up and stared down at it.
With a loving hand, I traced the line of tape across the top. Tears pricked my eyes as I murmured, “Goodbye, Hunter.” Then, before I could lose my courage, I shoved the box to the far end of the space. It smashed up against some long-forgotten boxes that had been here prior to us moving in. That felt appropriate. Maybe one day, I’d forget they were there too.
It was several minutes later before I returned to the main portion of the house. Mom was right there, her brown eyes searching my tear-streaked face. “Are you okay?”
All I felt now was relief. I’d physically let Hunter go, and now I could begin to emotionally let him go. I could get past this…I could move on. I was sure of it. I smiled at Mom as I answered, feeling better than I had in a really long time. “Yeah, I’m fine.”