I WAS AN idiot. I let things with Nika get too heated, go too far…much too far. I should have left the room the moment she entered, but I hadn’t been able to find it in myself to pull away from that glorious sunlight—a sight my damned eyes had no right to see.
But then I’d looked at her, and the sun had seemed insignificant in comparison. Where the sun glowed, she beamed. Where the sun lit the Earth, she ignited it. But both were unobtainable to me, and I was a fool if I believed otherwise. And while my father had done a lot of things, he hadn’t raised a fool.
I stormed downstairs to the cooler, underground layers while Nika carried on a conversation with her grandmother. I could hear the resignation in the older woman’s voice as she told Nika that I just “needed time.” I could tell from her tone that she didn’t truly believe that. She didn’t think I’d come around. And she was right. I didn’t plan on embracing this lifestyle, embracing my life…embracing Nika. My only plan was to get away. From there…who knew where my road would take me.
Even still, the memory of Nika’s lips on mine burned me more than the acidic feeling of the sunlight as it had finally penetrated the window and seared my skin. Feeling her kiss again had lifted me in a way I’d never expected to be lifted. Our last goodbye kiss was soft, sweet, tender, but full of so much passion. But even it paled in comparison to the taste of her blood in my mouth. The memory wasn’t leaving me. That sensuous liquid had absorbed my every thought and desire. Her heartbeat raging in my ears had drowned out all reason. Clamping onto her neck had felt so natural to me, so right. I’d wanted nothing more than to tear through her skin and feel that burst of warmth course down my aching throat. Oddly enough, I had a feeling Nika would have let me bite her; I thought she’d even wanted me to. But I wouldn’t hurt her in that way, regardless of what the demon inside me wanted.
Once I was inside the lowest level, I breathed a sigh of relief. Shutting the soundproof doors meant shutting out Nika’s honey voice, a voice that plagued my dreams, made me ache in ways that reminded me that a man still lived inside this body of a monster. The way her dress had clung to her, the way my hands had felt running over her body, her warm breath washing over my face, the desire in her eyes, the fire in her kiss… I hadn’t expected her to undo me as quickly as she had. I was putty in her hands, and I’d nearly lost control. But I couldn’t afford to. I wouldn’t snap. Now, or ever. I would remain in full control of this lust. And that meant I had to stay away from Nika. She was too desirable to me. All I would bring her was pain. Or death. And I couldn’t handle either of those scenarios happening.
I would tell her. Tonight, I would tell her. We couldn’t be together, not like we were before. I needed her to stay away from me. I needed her to let me go. Please, Nika, let me go.
I ran into Gabriel in the hallway. He was exiting his lab with a pleased smile on his face. I took that as a good sign, that he was making progress. “I can’t sleep. Do you need anything from me right now?” I asked, eager to do something besides dwell on things I couldn’t have.
His smile evened, and he extended his hand toward the door of his lab. “Come inside. I’ll show you the progress I’ve made.”
His aloof attitude lightened as he explained the various studies he was running on Halina’s and my blood, but whenever he spoke directly to me, his expression darkened. The more time I spent with him, the less I believed he was doing this purely for the sake of freeing his girlfriend. A part of him simply wanted me gone.
Examining a petri dish on the table, I asked, “You don’t much care for me, do you?”
Not one to beat around the bush, Gabriel shook his head. “No, I don’t. If it were up to me, you would have been staked immediately upon your conversion.”
His blunt honesty was brutal, but kind of refreshing. I could only think of one reason why he wanted me dead. It was much the same reason I had wanted him dead—opposite sides of the same coin. “Because I killed your kind? Because of what happened in L.A.?”
Inhaling a deep breath, Gabriel folded his arms over his chest. “You and your father set traps for my brethren. The pair of you were single-handedly responsible for killing several members of my nest. Some of them were newly turned vampires. Children, trying to find their way in a new life, many of whom, like you, never asked for it. You killed them in cold blood.”
Remembering the many vampires father and I had staked while posing as willing blood donors, I raised my chin. “We were protecting people. They were killers.”
Gabriel smirked at my arrogance, or perhaps, naivety. “Were they? Did you follow their every move? Did you see them kill anyone?”
I frowned. We’d staked whoever had arrived—young, old, male, female. The only requirement for execution had been that they were vampires. “Well…”
Seeing my reluctance, Gabriel’s expression turned smug. “Halina kills humans. Did you know that?” A strange icy swirl of unease twisted my gut. She…was important to me, I didn’t want to put her on the same level as the beasts I’d coldly assassinated. But then, I shouldn’t put her on any pedestal. She was an evil monster, as were we all.
Gabriel’s voice cracked the sudden silence. “She has absolutely no compunction about taking human life.” He lifted a finger. “But…she makes sure that whomever she kills actually deserves the death.” He pointed his finger at me. “Can you say the same?”
Not able to answer his question, I said, “It’s a shame you didn’t finish us off in L.A. All of this…wouldn’t have happened if we hadn’t gotten away.”
Gabriel nodded once. “Agreed.”
A phantom pain went up my leg as I remembered the attack that had driven us out of Los Angeles. We’d been doing a routine bait-and-stake, only the intended victims had known what was going on. They’d ambushed us, trapped us in the house, and then blown up the house. Dad and I had barely escaped. “Gas leak” the news had called it. Knowing our tactics wouldn’t be safe there anymore, we’d healed our scrapes and bruises, and gone in search of new monsters to hunt. We’d found ourselves here, in Salt Lake, a place I would do anything to be able to leave.
When Gabriel proclaimed that there was nothing further we could do today, I ambled off to my room. Weary to the bone, I collapsed onto my bed and closed my eyes. As sleep blanketed my mind, I let all my miseries tumble through me. Was any of this even worth it? Maybe I should just walk outside right now and give up? Maybe I should just stay and give in? I wasn’t sure which thought horrified me more.
“HUNTER? IT’S NIGHTTIME. Wake up.”
Halina’s voice roused me from a nightmare. Gasping in a breath, I clutched at the blankets in some vain attempt to determine what was real, and what wasn’t. Her hands cupped my cheeks as her calming eyes washed their hypnotic glow over my body. I panted as I stared up at her. I’d been dreaming of my father, of escaping Los Angeles. Only, this time, the second we’d weaseled our way out of the tiny bathroom window, I’d turned and sank my teeth into his neck, draining him dry. The last thing I remembered about the dream was my father’s screams falling silent as he died in my arms.
Grief overwhelming me, I sat up and wrapped my arms around my benefactor. She held me close to her, shushing in my ear and smoothing my hair. I shook as she held me. I just couldn’t stop the tremors. “It’s okay, Hunter,” she cooed. “I remember having nightmares my first few months too, but those will pass. I promise.”
Reality crashed into me, and I pushed her away. What were bad dreams compared to the nightmare of my existence? “I’m fine.”
She reached out for me again, looking like she wanted to pull me close once more, but then her hand dropped. As her timeless eyes studied my face, I could clearly see her desperate need to connect with me. I felt it too. The guilt raging through my body made me want to open up to her, but I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. This…thing…between us wasn’t real, and it would soon be over.
I moved past her to the end of the bed, then stood up. Her sad eyes watched me. “Gabriel and I are going to go upstairs and join the family for dinner. Will you please come?”
A wave of nausea rolled through me at the thought of staring down another bloody meal. I shook my head. “No, I’m not hungry.”
My outright lie wasn’t fooling either of us, but she didn’t press the issue. Instead, she stood and smoothed her tight dress. “Will you please join us after dinner then?” She sighed. “At least try to fit in?”
The pain in her voice constricted my heart like a vice. I couldn’t have refused her if I wanted. Holding my hands to my sides, so I didn’t reach out for her again, I whispered, “Okay.”
Her face brightened, and my spirit soared. Her eyes flicked over my features, and even though I knew she was constantly disappointed in me, all I saw radiating from her was love and patience. It was…confusing. I stepped toward her, wishing…hoping she would hold me. She didn’t though. She only rested her palm on my chest and smiled up at me. “Come up when you’re ready.”
She started to turn away and panic seized me. How long did I have with her? I clenched my hands into fists, refusing to cave into this absurd desire to ask her to put her arms around me…to stay with me a little while longer. Noticing my turmoil, she paused mid-turn. “Are you all right?”
Now concerned, she fully looked at me. Horror and embarrassment flashed up my spine. Was I actually seeking comfort from a creature of the night? One that I knew had killed before? One that, in my other life, I would have killed without a moment’s hesitation? Turning from her, I walked toward a chest of drawers on the other side of the room. “I said I was fine. Please leave.”
She did. And it hurt so much I had to close my eyes and lean my forehead against the dresser.
After changing my clothes, I looked around my room and wondered what I could busy myself with while I waited. Nothing was coming to mind, and the decorative touches in the room weren’t sparking any ideas. And really, there were only three things I wanted, and they were all upstairs. Halina. Nika. And blood.
Sighing, I left my room and began the long, arduous journey of heading toward the others. Even though they were all surprisingly open to giving me a chance at becoming a part of their family, I’d never felt so alone. Everything I’d known was gone. My entire life swept away in one painful bite, replaced by a life I barely recognized, and didn’t want. And my only hope of escape was a man who wouldn’t shed a tear if I died. He’d probably throw a party.
When I opened the soundproof doors, Nika was the first thing I heard. I paused in the open doorway, savoring the melody of her voice. She was asking her family why they weren’t waiting for me to join them before they started eating. Her thoughtfulness made me smile. The thought of sitting at that table churned my stomach, but the thought of sitting next to her gave me butterflies. The contrasting feelings made my head swim.
Staying as silent as possible, I continued my trek upstairs. Halina answered Nika by telling her that I was planning on joining the family after dinner was over. I heard metal scraping on porcelain, and food being torn into. The visual made me want to gag, but the thought of Nika hurrying through her meal just to see me…warmed me. And that was not how I should be feeling before seeing her. Not with what I had to tell her tonight.
I paused in the hallway in front of the exit. The wooden door behind the bookcase gleamed in my phosphorescent vision. Wondering if I would be able to break Nika’s heart tonight, if I had the strength, I heard her brother let out a disgruntled sound. “Hey, Nick, I wasn’t done with that!”
I heard water running, then a garbage disposal, then dishes being put into a dishwasher. Nika really was hurrying through the meal, hurrying everyone through their meal. As a smile erupted over my face, I heard her ask, “Grandma Linda, Grandpa Jack, are you guys done?” She definitely wanted to see me.
Leaning against the wall, I heard Nika’s dad tell her to sit and wait until everyone was finished. Teren Adams didn’t like me. Or trust me. I didn’t blame him. I’d attacked his family after all. And shot him in the chest. He probably wasn’t too thrilled about the fact that I was now living here, under the same roof as his family, and his infatuated daughter.
Nika made an annoyed sound and a rhythmic tapping started that could only be her foot smacking against the floor. She was riled up, waiting to see me. I wondered what she’d done today to pass the time? Our last kiss seared my lips, and my smile grew even wider. She was so soft, so sensual. Making love to her would be…
No. Making love to her wasn’t ever going to happen. I wouldn’t allow it. She was still too young. And I…wasn’t the right man for her. Steeling my resolve to end things once and for all, I calmly waited in the hallway until I heard voices and footsteps entering the living room. I closed my eyes, mentally preparing myself for Nika. I had to do this. I couldn’t let her continue to think there was an “us” here. There wasn’t. There was her, and there was me, and we were too entirely different to be anything more than that.
Pushing Nika from my mind, I instead shifted my focus to Halina. I pulled the image of her face into my mind, drawing strength from it. The vision of her helped me open the door, and the room hushed as I stepped from the hidden entrance. Even though I didn’t mean for it to happen, my eyes found Nika first. Or maybe my ears did. She was sitting on a loveseat next to a long couch, her hands twisting in her lap, longing clear in her soulful eyes. Her pulse raged through her veins in a fast, heavy rhythm. It appealed to every part of me, and I couldn’t help but stare at her. A ghost of a smile touched my lips as I watched her swallow a bundle of nerves. Somehow, I knew she was wishing she could control her heartbeat, slow it down, so things would be easier for me. If she only knew how much I enjoyed listening to it race…
The smell of fresh blood burst into the room, and my smile faded. I twisted my head to watch Halina saunter around the corner, a steaming crystal glass in her hand. Pain, desire, and disgust assaulted me at the same time. Against my permission, a low growl rumbled from my throat. My eyes stayed locked on the deep red in the glass as she walked by me. My knees buckled, but somehow, I remained standing.
“Again?” I croaked, my dry throat cracking with need. I didn’t think I could handle being in a room with blood right now. I was too weak, too conflicted, in too much pain. “Why are you doing this to me?”
Halina’s eyes were compassionate as she set down the blood on a coffee table in front of the couch. “Because I care about you. I will make blood available to you every day, Hunter. I will offer it to you every chance I get.” Sighing, she indicated the couch. “But the decision to drink it or not will still be yours.”
I wanted to run away. I wanted to be strong. I wanted blood to stop having such a powerful hold on me. With wooden, choppy steps, I managed to walk over to the couch. I felt like I’d run a marathon I was so depleted, emotionally and physically drained. As I lowered myself to the plush leather awaiting me, Nika blurred to my side. She put a hand on my back as she encouraged me to sit down. Her touch helped pull my focus from the open container of blood in the room. Her heartbeat diverted my attention. I leaned into her side, grateful.
Her father shot me a deadly glance as he sat next to Julian. His entire body was tense as he watched me, and I was positive that he’d be on me in a second if I did anything wrong. My attention drifted back to the glass in front of me. Bloody vapors were drifting into the air. I inhaled and exhaled in long, slow draws, trying to control my breathing, trying to accept the vile, heavenly smell. It took every ounce of will power I had to not reach for the glass. My stomach was in knots, and I was positive I was going to be sick.
Then Nika’s hand touched my thigh. It relaxed me, fractionally. Her hand drifted down to cover mine. The heat from her skin seared me, soothed me. I turned my palm, and we interlaced our fingers. I could do this. With her by my side, I could face down my inner demon, and win.
Maybe hoping to distract me, or him, Halina started a conversation with Teren. His voice was crisp as he answered, and I was sure he was staring at me like a hawk watching its prey. Halina too for that matter. Everyone was probably watching me, but I was too fixated on the blood to care. Why did it have such control over me? Why couldn’t I ignore it? Why couldn’t I just drink it?
The remembered taste of Nika’s blood in my mouth hit me, and I felt my fangs slowly extending. I couldn’t pull them back up; my body refused to cooperate. I licked my lower lip, remembering Nika’s sweet nectar on my skin. My free hand moved forward an inch. I immediately pulled it back to my knee as bile rose in my throat. No. I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t drink.
Nika’s thumb stroked my skin in silent support. I drew the strength of her heat into me, fortifying myself with it. I wouldn’t cave.
So silent, I almost believed it was subliminal, I heard Halina, whisper, “Drink, Hunter, it will ease your pain.”
A whimpering groan escaped my scorched throat. God, yes, it would. It would soothe the rawness in my mouth, the empty ache in my stomach, the fatigue that made every movement an effort. I could stop suffering, if I just…
My hand reached out for the glass, and I couldn’t pull it back this time. I touched the stem, and imagined the relief that warm liquid would provide me. It had been so long…so very long. I was dying to have it again. Blood. I wanted it, I needed it.
No!
I shot to my feet, tipping the glass over in my haste. The crystal cracked as the blood inside of it spilled over the tabletop. Halina and Teren jumped to their feet as well, but all I could focus on was the ever-expanding pool of deep, red blood. A need-filled rumble erupted from my chest as Nika slowly rose beside me. She placed her other hand over mine, subtly prying my fingers loose, and it was only then that I realized we were still holding hands, and I was squeezing her palm tightly, probably hurting her.
I blinked out of my trance as guilt pummeled me. Releasing her, I scrambled over the back of the couch, eager to get as much distance from the blood as I could. All eyes followed me as I pressed my back against the wall. Halina moved toward me, and I held my hands up to stop her. “Please, don’t.”
Trying to ignore the hollow ache in my soul, an ache that was quickly filling with disgust, I said, “I can’t do this. I’m sorry, I just…can’t.” I scanned the room full of disappointed and distrustful faces. “I know what you’re all trying to do for me. You’ve taken me in…when nobody else would.” My eyes settled on Nika’s. Hers were watery as she watched me struggle with the necessity of life that I was denying myself. Meaning much more than just blood, I held her gaze and told her, “But I can’t do this.”
Her brow bunched in confusion, like she didn’t understand my sudden mood shift, and I supposed she wouldn’t. I’d been very misleading today. “Hunter?” she asked, extending her hand to me.
I sighed as I stared at what she was offering me. In truth, I wanted her hand, her love, as badly as I wanted to drink the blood pooling over the tabletop, but I wouldn’t let myself be a dickhead monster any more than I would willingly become a vampiric monster. Seeing her emotions on her sleeve, her eyes begging me not to reject her, tore me to pieces, but I knew I had to do it anyway, for both our sakes. She was too attached to me. I was too attached to her.
Bringing my hands to my sides, I shook my head. “I’m sorry, Nika, I can’t do this either.”
Her hand dropped from the air like it weighed a thousand pounds. “What?”
Unable to keep looking at the torment in her eyes, I averted mine. “What happened earlier today, shouldn’t have happened. I had a weak moment. It won’t happen again.”
Her father immediately asked, “What happened earlier today?”
Ignoring him, since Nika was my main concern, I stepped as close to the couch as I would allow myself. Feeling like I’d aged a thousand years in the span of a day, I told her, “I care about you, I do, but we’re not meant to be together. I don’t want to hurt you by letting you believe there’s a future here. There isn’t.” In a whisper, I added, “I don’t think there ever was.”
I could tell that every word I was saying was a blade slicing off sections of her shredded heart. I hated myself even more for letting it get this far. I never should have returned. I never should have let her kiss me. I never should have kissed her back.
With tears in her eyes, she shook her head and lifted her chin. “You don’t mean that, you’re just going through a rough time. I know you want to be with me as much as I want to be with you.” Glancing around the room, she lowered her voice, “I felt that when we kissed.”
Teren started to take a step toward me, but his wife grabbed his arm. Nika’s words sliced me as surely as mine had sliced her, and I turned my face from her. “Like I said, I care about you. I…I lost control for a moment.” Thinking of the hopeless life she’d have with me, thinking of my secret plan of escape, I strengthened my resolve, and shifted my gaze back to her. “But I’m not the right person for you. I’m not who you should be with.”
Her jaw started to tremble, and I knew I needed to leave. If she cried, if she fell apart, the desire to sweep her into my arms would be too much. I wouldn’t survive it. I’d cave, and pledge my undying love and devotion to her. Needing to hide from her as much as the blood, I started walking back to the doorway leading to my room. She blurred in front of me, blocking my path. “Shouldn’t I decide who the right person for me is?”
Her spirit made my lip turn up into a small smile, but it instantly faded as our impossible realities crashed around me. “If I leave it up to you, I know you’ll choose wrong.” Leaning in close, so close I could smell the warmth of her skin, I whispered, “I don’t love you like you love me. I can’t. So, I won’t let you choose me.” Straightening, I made myself look into her watery eyes, at the destruction I had just created. Then I finished tearing out her heart. And my own. “I don’t need you to save me, Nika. Just let me go.”
Looking too stunned to do anything else, she stepped aside and let me walk around her to my escape. When I was gone from her sight, I heard a choking sob escape her. I couldn’t listen to it. The wound I had just given myself was too raw, it hurt too much. Using up what little energy I had left, I ran toward the soundproof doors. Slamming them shut behind me, I sank to the floor and dropped my head to my knees.
God, I really was a monster. I didn’t love her as much as she loved me? What a laughable joke that was. It was me I didn’t love. Nika…was perfect. But I needed to push her away, and claiming I didn’t feel for her like she felt for me was the easiest way to do that. And now I hated myself even more.
I felt Halina coming and thought to run even farther, but my legs refused to carry me. I was down, and I wasn’t getting back up for a very long time. Halina slowed as she approached the soundproof doors. Knowing she was about to enter, I sat up straight, leaned my head against the wall, and pulled my knees into my chest. I could at least pretend I wasn’t losing it.
The door cracked open slowly like she didn’t want to spook me. Arguing assaulted my tender ears. Nika was telling her parents that I was depressed, that I didn’t mean anything I’d just said. Her parents were saying it didn’t matter…they were going home. I sighed as I slumped against the wall. What a mess I’d made.
“I’m not depressed,” I told her, once she shut the door and blocked out the sound of people bickering.
Halina dropped to her knees in front of me. “I wish I could believe you.” She laid her hand on my arm. “I know you probably won’t believe this, but I went through something similar after my conversion. Granted, it didn’t last nearly as long as what you’re going through. Or should I say, what you’re putting yourself through.”
Sniffing, I ignored her implication that all this turmoil was my own fault. I looked away. “And how did you get through it?” I risked a look back at her. “Start killing everything in your path?”
She smirked, dark humor in her crystal eyes. “I had a child who depended on me to be strong, to survive. Not eating was never an option. But I found something that helped me overcome my misguided conscience.”
Knowing she was going to tell me that love could set me free, or something equally flowery, I gritted my teeth. “Let me guess…love saved your life?”
The humor in her face completely faded as her expression turned chilly. “No. Hate saved my life. I held on to the hatred of what was done to me, of what was done to my child, of what was done to my husband. That was what got me through the dark times. That was what kept me sane, kept me focused, allowed me to stay strong.”
She stared at me coolly, for once completely compassionless. Surprise washed through me. “Do you want me to hate you, like you hated your creator?”
Tilting her head, her dark hair flowing over her shoulder, she calmly stated, “I’ll be that for you, if you need me to be, if that will keep you alive, but truly…” Her cold mask evaporated into the worried mother that I knew her to be. “…am I really the one to blame for what you are? Am I really the one you should hate?”
I knew who she meant—my father—and I did see the point in her question; I just wasn’t sure if I was capable of hating him. He was my father. He’d shaped me into the person I was. He’d raised my sister and me on his own after Mom had passed away. He’d loved me. And he’d also forced this abhorrence upon me, and then abandoned me. For all the positives he’d given me, I knew I couldn’t overlook that mountainous negative. He’d betrayed me. And I did hate him for that.