“SO, NIKA, WHO are you going to go to Junior Prom with?”
Sighing, I lifted my gaze from my lunch to stare at Arianna sitting across the table from me. Posters for the big event at the end of the month were everywhere I looked. It was Cinderella-themed, which I was trying to appreciate, since I had, at one point in my life, really enjoyed fairytales. I wasn’t going to prom though; I could appreciate the fantasy just fine from my living room couch.
“For the twentieth time, I’m not going.” Amused at the bewildered expression on her face, I resumed eating my pita pocket.
Arianna had the same surprised reaction every time I told her I wasn’t going. I really thought she’d be used to it by now. “But it’s Junior Prom, Nika. It only happens once in your life. I don’t want you to miss out…”
Trey, sitting beside me, pointed his fork at Arianna. “It doesn’t necessarily only happen once. My cousin went to Junior Prom three times.” He looked over at me; the red tinge in his eyes implied that he’d imbibed in a little herbal refreshment today. His smell confirmed it. “Course, my cousin’s a skank. She only got invited to go every year because everybody knew she put out.”
I smirked at him. “Nice.”
With a shrug, Trey returned to his watery mac-and-cheese. Julian paused to laugh at his best friend. My brother was sitting as close to Arianna’s side as a person could get, so close that he had to eat with his left hand so he didn’t bump her with every bite. He ate that way every single day. Julian was quickly becoming ambidextrous.
Crunching on a particularly loud piece of lettuce, I told Arianna, “I don’t want to go. And besides, nobody’s asked me.” I smiled around my food as I chewed. That had to end the conversation, since I couldn’t go without a date. I should have known better though. Arianna could be persistent when she was on a mission, and apparently getting me to prom was her newest mission.
Smiling bright, she said, “You still have two weeks. That’s plenty of time to be asked. We just have to put the word out that you’re available.”
She looked around the cafeteria, like she was scouting for potential suitors in the crowd. I suddenly felt like a sack of meat about to be auctioned to the highest bidder. Look guys, she’s got shapely hips and a decent face. And, as a bonus, she promises to not make you buy her a corsage or do the Electric Slide.
Frowning, I reiterated, “I don’t want to go. Really, I don’t mind missing out on this one.”
Ignoring me, Arianna muttered, “Clancy just broke up with Julia. He probably needs a date. Or Luke…he’s gay, but I’m sure he’d go with a girl if we asked real nice.” Her gaze shifted to the other end of the room. “Or Austin. He’s new. I’m sure he’s still single. He’d probably take you.”
Now my face shifted into disbelief. Openmouthed, I twisted to glare at Julian. “Can you please stop her? The more she talks, the more pathetic I sound.”
Julian smiled over at Arianna, then gave her a swift kiss on the cheek. His mood amused, he told her, “Nick doesn’t want to go…we shouldn’t force her.” He glanced at me. “She’d just pout the entire time anyway.”
Giving him a dirty look, I chucked an apple slice at him. He easily caught it, shoving the entire thing in his mouth. While he noisily chewed, Arianna said, “But it just won’t be the same if we don’t all go together.” Getting an idea, she turned her attention to Trey. “Who are you going with?”
My eyes widened as Trey shrugged. “I don’t know. Hadn’t thought about it yet.” Tucking his dirty blond hair behind his ears, he scrunched his eyes in confusion. “When the heck is that anyway?”
Arianna’s face brightened as my heart sank. Oh no, no, no. I was not going with Trey. “Perfect! You two can go together.” Clapping her hands, she gave Julian a satisfied smile. “That solves everything.”
No. No. No.
Trey gave me a languid smile as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders. I felt lightheaded just by the smell imbedded in his clothing. “Awesome. Me and Little A, dancing the night away.” He pressed his body against mine. “Sounds heavenly.”
As politely as I could, I shoved him away from me. “No, I don’t think so.”
Arianna’s expression turned sympathetic. “Please, Nika. I hate the idea of you staying home, hurt and sulking. If you’re truly going to move on…let go…then you need to get back out there. And we’ve been planning prom since freshman year. I know deep-down you want to go. I don’t want you to leave high school with regrets.”
Remembering our past excitement, our many conversations about who we’d take and what we’d wear, made my resolve weaken. Prom had always meant more to Arianna than it had to me, but I’d loved the idea of experiencing it together. And she made a good point: I didn’t want to leave school and regret not sharing the night with my best friends…because of a boy. And if I went with Trey, at least my date would know for certain that there wasn’t any possibility of a romantic hookup. I was already used to Trey’s outlandish flirting, and I rejected him on an almost daily basis. He wouldn’t be shocked if I told him I’d rather paint my nails than go out with him. And dancing with Trey might be fun. Maybe. “Okay, Arianna…you win.”
She squealed in delight, then reached over the table to hug me. “This will be fun, Nick, I promise!” Repressing a weary exhale, I hoped that she was right.
When lunch was over, Arianna gave Julian a goodbye hug that lasted for several eternities. I could almost feel myself aging while I waited for my friend so we could walk to class together. You’d think Julian was going off to war by the way they clung to each other, but instead of interrupting, I let them have their moment.
My eyes unintentionally swung to my prom date. Trey was sitting on the edge of the table, kicking his legs as he stared off into space. He seemed oblivious to the world as he waited for Julian, but I wondered if he really was. Trey had shown a lot of insight when the ordeal with Hunter and his father had blown up in our faces a few months ago. He was a lot smarter than he let on. If only he’d stop baking his mind nearly every day, he’d probably be a lot quicker.
Just as I was wondering if Trey was even using his brain at the moment, he glanced up at me and indicated across the room with his head. “Looks like Julian’s got an admirer.”
My eyes instantly flashed to where Trey had been staring. Sure enough, someone across the room was openly watching my brother and Arianna. I frowned when I recognized the dark-haired girl. Raquel. She was with a group of kids who were slowly filing out of the room as they meandered to class. Her boyfriend, the obtuse Russell Morrison, was nowhere in sight. That was probably why Raquel was taking the opportunity to blatantly stare at my brother. Russell was the jealous type, especially when it came to Julian. Raquel had actually broken up with Russell a while ago, finally choosing my brother over the brute. But unfortunately, she’d been too late, and Julian had already started dating Arianna. Surprising, and pleasing, the hell out of me, Julian had turned down Raquel when she’d hit on him. But instead of remaining strong and tough on her own, Raquel had gone right back to Russell when it had become clear that Julian wasn’t going to leave Arianna for her. Made no sense to me. She would have been happier alone.
Raquel’s dark eyes were glued on Julian, so she didn’t see me watching her. To get her attention, I stepped between her and my brother. Her cheeks flushed with color, and her eyes refocused on me. She immediately turned away, tucking her hair behind her ears and laughing at a friend…who wasn’t even looking at her. It was a sad attempt to make it seem like she hadn’t been ogling Julian. It instantly irritated me. She shouldn’t be longingly staring at Julian, not with how long she’d toyed with him. Julian was happy now, dating my best friend, and Raquel needed to accept that.
Feeling my surge of aggravated protectiveness, Julian pulled away from Arianna to look my way. “What’s wrong?”
His eyes looked beyond mine to Raquel gathering her things and preparing to leave. A frown formed on his lips, as Arianna asked, “What is it?”
Curling her arms around Julian’s bicep, she stared up at him like he held all the answers to life’s many mysteries. Smoothing his expression, Julian smiled down at her. “Nothing that matters anymore.”
Arianna glanced past me, to see Raquel leaving the room with her friends. Arianna’s expression grew guarded, and her brows furrowed as she nibbled on her bottom lip. As happy as Arianna was with Julian, a part of her still worried that he’d dump her any second for Raquel; that was why they weren’t officially boyfriend and girlfriend yet.
Stepping in front of Arianna, blocking her view of Raquel’s retreating form, Julian said, “I’m yours, same as I was yesterday, same as I’ll be tomorrow. You’re the one I want to be with, Arianna.”
Right in front of my eyes, my friend melted into a puddle of romantic, sappy goo. I was a little surprised her knees didn’t buckle. Julian was getting good at this kind of stuff. He must have picked up a thing or two from Dad. Or Halina, although her form of romanticism was usually a little more X-rated. Giggling, Arianna laced her arms around Julian’s neck and pulled him in for another kiss.
Groaning, I turned away again. “We should go, Arianna. We need to get to class. You can maul my brother later.”
Arianna giggled in a way that made a flash of desire wash through Julian. I shot him a glance, and he grimaced in embarrassment. Damn bond. Studiously ignoring me, he told Arianna, “I’ll see you after school.” The lovebirds didn’t have another class together today, hence the epically long goodbyes.
“See ya,” she sighed as I dragged her away.
When we were free of the cafeteria, I rolled my eyes at her. “Jeez, Arianna. You could at least try to play hard to get.”
She cuddled into my side just like she’d cuddled into Julian’s. “Why would I want to do that? Your brother’s dreamy.” Laying her head on my shoulder, she sighed again.
Looking back, I saw Julian and Trey heading off in the opposite direction. Julian was laughing, his mood light and happy. It was a far cry from his disposition earlier in the school year when he’d been the dour one. Twisting around to Arianna, I laid my head on hers. “I’m glad you guys are happy.”
Arianna broke our contact and looked up at me. “Are you happy?” she asked, her lips curling into a frown.
Watching the cracked concrete at my feet, I debated what to tell her. I felt something sort of like happiness at times, but I certainly wasn’t Julian’s level of giddy. I was mainly…resigned. This was my life, and I had to deal with it the best I could. Not sure how else to answer her, I simply said, “I’m not miserable. And that’s enough for now.”
Arianna sighed and stared at the ground. “Have you heard from…him?”
I knew exactly which him she meant and woefully shook my head. “No, not since the night he told me goodbye in my bedroom.”
The memory started bubbling to the surface, but I pushed it down. I didn’t want to relive the moment when Hunter had left my life for good. I was trying to move past him. I’d even tried to stop cataloging his location, which was still miles from the ranch.
Arianna rubbed my arm, while I forced myself not to wonder why Hunter was so far south. “I’m sure it’s for the best, Nick. I mean, what future could you really have with a vampire?”
So only my ears would hear her, she’d barely breathed the word vampire. I gave her a smirk in response. “That’s an interesting question, considering who you’re dating.”
Scoffing, she shoved my shoulder away from her. “Julian’s barely a VP, and you know it. He’s pretty much just got the sexy teeth.” Biting her lip, she giggled, “And, oh my God, they’re so freaking hot.”
Cringing, I tried to scrub the image of my brother dropping his fangs and playfully growling at Arianna. Unfortunately, I’d heard him do it on more than one occasion. “Ugh, Arianna, I don’t want to hear about how hot my brother is to you. It’s disturbing.”
Arianna continued laughing for a moment, then she sighed. “I’m serious about you and Hunter though. Maybe it’s for the best that the two of you…aren’t together. You’re so different now.” She pointed up at the sky. “He’s up all night, you’re up all day. He’s got an entirely different…appetite than you, and kids…kids are definitely out.” I frowned at all the truths she was spouting at me. Face sympathetic, she gently added, “And don’t forget that his entire family wants to kill yours.”
I was about to tell her that her concerns weren’t all warranted—the blood one was fine, since that would eventually be my diet too—when a thought struck Arianna, and she stopped walking. “Oh, my God…will Hunter still try to kill you? Even though he’s kind of…one of you?”
Adjusting my backpack, I stopped with her. “I don’t…think so.”
She narrowed her eyes. “But you don’t know for sure?”
I lifted my chin, exuding more confidence than I actually felt. “He won’t hurt me. He won’t hurt my family. That’s not who he is anymore.”
Arianna smiled in support, but I could see the doubt in her eyes. “That’s what you hope, and I hope for everyone’s sake that you’re right…but you haven’t spoken to him in a long time, Nika. His head might be in an entirely different place than you think it is…”
A part of me wanted to disagree with her…but I couldn’t. She was right. I didn’t know for sure where his head was, and I didn’t know how much he was hurting. All I knew was that Hunter was now something he’d never wanted to be, and he was struggling with that fact. And truly, it wasn’t completely beyond the realm of possibility that he might take his grief out on my family. I think he would hate himself even more if he did, but I couldn’t just blindly pretend that it was an unthinkable scenario. Hunter could still want to kill us.
Resuming our walk to class, I morosely told Arianna, “You’re right…I don’t know. But Grandma is watching him closely, and I do know that she would never let him hurt us. She’d kill him first.”
I stopped talking after that. I had to. My throat had cinched tight, and no amount of swallowing could loosen the knot.
The rest of school went by mundanely enough. Arianna told me all about her master plan for prom; she’d already spotted the perfect dress. She was so excited that we were all going together. I wasn’t as excited yet, but I liked the normalcy of the idea. I could use a little normalcy in my life right now.
After school let out, Julian and Arianna rekindled in the parking lot. Even though Arianna lived within walking distance of the school, and getting out of the parking lot took longer than driving to her house, Julian insisted on taking her home each day. It was a nice gesture, but it meant I had to watch them be all sweet and lovey-dovey for even longer.
Arianna lived on the other side of a graveyard behind the school. While Arianna chatted with Julian in the front seat, I watched the tombstones passing by the window. Before I could stop the thought, I wondered if Hunter was sleeping in the earth right as that very moment. Was he covered up like a grave, or had he found a home to wait out the day? I felt like I would never know the answer to that question. And it was only one of many things I’d never know the answer to.
Julian got out of the car and walked Arianna to her front door. It was so sweet it made my jaw ache. I shifted around to the front seat while the lovebirds smooched on her porch. Believing they’d never separate without assistance, I tapped the horn. When Julian looked back at me, I told him, “I only have so much time, Julie.”
He heard me loud and clear through the windshield, and reluctantly said goodbye to Arianna. She lifted her hand to me in a wave as Julian jogged back to the driver’s side. Sensing his sadness, I told him, “Cheer up. You know you’re going to call her the minute you get home, and now, because of me, you have more time to talk to her.” He smirked at me, but his mood lifted as we left Arianna’s driveway.
From there, Julian drove me to Salt Lake City Public Library. Besides Arianna’s house, Trey’s house, and our house, the library was the only other place we could drive to without special permission. And besides the ranch, the library was my favorite spot in all the world. It was also the most painful spot in all the world. It was where Hunter and I had first officially met. It was where he had died.
As Julian drove, both hands studiously holding the wheel at ten and two, I contemplated why I kept going back. In the end, I think it was plain pig-headedness that made me return. I’d loved this place before Hunter had entered my life, and I didn’t want my ex to taint something I loved. And maybe if I kept coming back, it would hurt a little less each time. That hadn’t happened yet, but I was hopeful.
“You okay?” Julian asked.
“Yeah,” I murmured.
The feeling always passed…eventually. Julian knew that, so he didn’t question my answer. Instead, he said, “I’m glad you’re going to go to prom. I think you’ll have fun, even with everything…” He sighed and stopped talking, guilt filling him.
Forcing a smile, I told him, “It will be fun hanging out with you guys.”
He grinned, then bit his lip as nerves cropped up inside him. “So…I’m going to ask Arianna to go out with me at prom. Like, officially go out with me. It’s been a few months now, and I think she’ll say yes. God, I hope she says yes…”
I wasn’t too surprised by his comment; I figured they were heading that way, but I was a little surprised by the fear and anxiety he was feeling; he was genuinely worried that she’d turn him down. And if she did…would they still date? Sending encouraging feelings his way, I told him, “She’s crazy about you. I think she’ll say yes, too.”
He looked over at me with a dopey smile on his face. “You think so?”
I Indicated the road, so he’d look where he was supposed to. “Yeah…I do.” I hoped. If they stopped dating, Halina would wipe Arianna’s mind. She wouldn’t remember what we were, and I’d have to lie to her again. And I really liked being open and honest with her, even if it was painful sometimes.
Julian’s mood shifted once again, from hope to discomfort. Twisting in the seat to face him, I studied my suddenly uncomfortable brother. “What?” I asked, not sure if I wanted to know the answer.
Reluctance oozed from him in waves that made my skin pebble. He let out a weary sigh, then embarrassment flooded him. I furrowed my brow in confusion. Sometimes it would be a lot easier if our emotions had maps we could follow.
“Ah,” he began, “It’s just…if Arianna says yes, and we start getting serious…you and I…well, we should talk about…”
His emotions twisted from embarrassment to mortification, like he wanted to crawl inside a very deep hole. But there was an edge of determination about him too. Whatever it was he wanted to say, he really wanted to say it. His courage slowly built up, but it was laced with dread, and he was nervous when he pulled the car over in front of the library.
Concerned for my brother, I told him, “Just tell me whatever it is you’re dying to tell me…because your anxiety is giving me heartburn.”
A small, nervous laugh escaped him. “Sorry, this is just…weird to talk about…especially with you.”
I started to say, “What is?” when I suddenly understood what he might be so nervous about. “You’re thinking about having sex with her.”
Julian sank his head to the steering wheel, and I knew without a doubt I was right. His emotions tumbled from horror to embarrassment to excitement to fear. He wanted this, but he was nervous about it. And now I was too. Julian couldn’t experience sex without me experiencing sex, emotionally at least. That wasn’t something I wanted to feel. Ever.
“Julian, you can’t. You guys are…too young.”
Julian peeked up at me, and a flash of amusement washed through him. “Really? That’s the objection you’re going with?”
My gut churned, and now I was the one letting out a nervous laugh. “No, not really, it’s just…I don’t want to feel that. Feeling you make out with her is bad enough.”
Julian sighed and twisted to face me. “I know, and I don’t want you to feel it either.” He cringed, and the look on his face matched the feeling in my stomach. “I’m not saying it’s happening now, but maybe in a couple of months? Or maybe in several months, I don’t know. But I think…I think I’m falling in love with her, Nick, and I want to…one day…” With a sigh, he looked down. “It’s just something we need to talk about, that’s all.”
Panic filled me—this might be happening much sooner than I’d expected. “Are you sure you’ll be ready in a few months? Why don’t you wait a year or two? Or ten?”
Julian smiled at me, his embarrassment easing now that the topic had been broached. “Not ten, Nick. Maybe one, but definitely not ten.”
Closing my eyes, I nodded. Asking Julian and Arianna to wait a decade wasn’t reasonable, I knew that, but I wasn’t ready. I didn’t think I’d ever be ready. With a sigh, I opened my door and got out of the car. Julian waved goodbye, then sped off toward home so he could talk to his soon-to-be girlfriend. And soon-to-be lover. How were we going to get through this?
Putting aside the question I didn’t have an answer for, I turned and trudged toward the library. It truly was a spectacular building, a sight that every person visiting town should make a point of seeing. Fountains and parks ringed the building while a curving path sloped up to a garden on the roof. The library itself was a stunning mix of glass and mortar, allowing for plenty of natural light. Hunter and I had spent countless hours talking and holding hands while we sat at a table near the wall of windows that overlooked the city. It had been idyllic. I loved it, I hated it.
As I did most times I came here, I went to the self-help section and found the book on abandonment that Hunter had first introduced me to. I’d never checked it out again, but I read it whenever it was here. I must have read the book about a dozen times by now. I could probably recite it word for word. In an odd way, it was helpful, therapeutic. Hunter hadn’t abandoned me, but the feeling of loss was similar. Or maybe he had abandoned me. It was hard to say.
Just as I was reading about how to be comfortable with being alone, something I could never truly experience, since I was never truly alone, I felt my mother and father approaching. With a sigh, I returned the book and left my sanctuary. Voices, rustles, and whispers hit my ear as I emerged from the quiet of the library. Once outside, the sound of splashing water joined the cacophony of noise. Looking past a flowing staircase of water, I saw my dad’s Prius. Mom waved at me out the window, and I gave the library one last glance before heading toward them.
So many memories resided here; it always took me a minute or two to disengage from them. I didn’t speak much as we left, but my parents were used to that by now. I think this place was hard for them to be at too. They’d almost watched their children get killed here. That had to hurt. Once we were clear of the plaza, Dad picked up Mom’s hand and kissed the back of it. She gave him a soft smile, then looked back at me. “Everything okay today?”
Her question was all encompassing, open to any sort of problem I might be struggling with. Not wanting to talk about my past, I instead focused on my future. “Yes, no…I don’t know.”
Dad’s eyes focused on mine in the rearview mirror. “What do you mean? What happened?”
An edge of worry laced his voice and I made myself smile; I didn’t want him to worry about me anymore. I was perfectly fine. Well, perfectly safe anyway. “Arianna talked me into going to the prom with Trey.”
Both Mom and Dad relaxed. Dad kissed Mom’s hand again, as she told me, “I think that’s great. It will be nice for you to go out and have some fun with your friends.”
I nodded as I imagined how the night might go. “Yeah, I think so too.” Resting my head against the window, I watched the world flash by. At least it would be fun to go dancing with everyone. And not a whole lot in my life had been fun recently.
Once we got home, I headed upstairs to put my bag on my bed. Julian was on the phone with Arianna. He was pacing his room as he talked, his face and mood joyous. They were discussing the dance, but I did my best not to listen. Downstairs, Mom and Dad were starting to make pizza from scratch. I was on my way to join them when Julian suddenly told Arianna, “Hey, can I call you back in a minute? Nika just got home, and I want to talk to her.”
I locked eyes with Julian, and, after saying goodbye, he tossed the phone on his pristine bed. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he walked through our shared bathroom and into my bedroom. “Hey,” he said, his mood content, but concerned.
Julian’s eyes drifted to the floor, to where our parents were jokingly telling each other that they should hide some veggies in the pizza crust so we’d eat more. “About what we talked about earlier…are you okay?”
Forcing back the embarrassment, I told him, “Yeah…I’m fine.” And I was fine, or I would be at any rate. Julian and Arianna were my best friends, and there was no way I’d selfishly stand in the way of their happiness. If this was what they both wanted…then when the time came, I’d deal with it.
Julian’s smile was soft and hopeful. “Yeah?”
Walking over to him, I smiled. “Yeah. This won’t be easy for us…but we’ll figure it out. Together.”
“Thank you,” he said, searching my face. “I know you’re not excited about all this, but I am, so…thank you.”
Letting out a morbid laugh, I told him, “Just keep in mind that when it does happen, you’ll owe me big time.”
Running his hand down his face, he shook his head. “Oh, I know. Believe me, I know.” He peeked up at me. “And I know I’ll have to return the favor one day, when you’re ready. And we’ll get through that too. Together.”
I nodded, swallowed, and looked away. Julian had nothing to worry about there. The day when I was ready to have sex with someone wasn’t happening for me. Not for a really long time.