“Hey, Mrs. M.” I greeted Addie’s mom as she let me in. “You look real pretty.”
“Why thank you, sweetheart, that’s very kind of you. Since I don’t have my babies to fret over much longer, I’m finding time to do things for myself. I’ve even started taking a yoga class.”
“That’s real good, Mrs. M.” She patted my shoulder.
“She’s in her room—packing I think.”
“Thanks.”
I continued down the hallway but came to a halt when I realized Addie was talking to someone. The door to her bedroom was cracked open, so I listened for a second until I made out that the other voice belonged to Piper.
“Oh my god, Ads. The guys in Texas are freaking HOT!”
“Piper!” She giggled. “Shh, my mom’s home. So, did you make the squad?”
“Heck, yes! And I already hooked up with the quarterback . . . twice. I cannot believe how much fun this is, and school hasn’t even started yet. I wish you came to Texas with me. I don’t know how you’re going to start college with a boyfriend. I mean RJ’s cool and all, and I know y’all love each other, but . . .”
“Piper, I don’t know. He’s been pulling back a little bit, and it scares me. I don’t know what to do. I mean, is it fair to him for me to hold onto him? Make him wait for me? It just doesn’t seem fair to either of us, but I love him so much. I don’t know what to do.”
“Honestly, Addie?” There was a short pause. “I would never start college knowing I was tied down. Heck, why do you think I ended it with Collin? This is a time to explore and find ourselves. It’s great and all that you two had each other while in high school, but are you ready to commit to one person for the rest of your life?” Piper’s voice softened and I had to really concentrate on what she was saying. “He’s already asked you to marry him. Doesn’t that tell you something?”
What the fuck kind of bullshit was Piper filling my girl’s head with?
They laughed a little more, but then Addie’s voice softened. “It tells me he loves me.” There was a short pause, and if I had closed my eyes, I would have been able to picture the skeptical look on Piper’s face. Then Addie spoke again, changing the subject.
“It really does sound like you’re having a good time.” They both squealed. “I know, right, but you can’t change the subject. What are you going to do? You can’t have sex with only one person your entire life. Besides, you can’t honestly tell me you think it will work? You are way smarter than that. You know how many people walk into college attached to someone back home and fuck it all up.”
“I don’t know, Piper. I mean I could see me and RJ lasting.”
“But do you want to?” Piper asked, but then she kept talking, “Whatever, we should start planning for you to visit. You know what they say about everything being bigger in Texas.” Piper laughed. “What about Thanksgiving break?”
“Piper, my parents would kill me,” Addie shrieked.
“Oh, live a little, would you? You’ve been tied down for way too long. This is your time to have fun, you’re going to be hundreds of miles away . . . what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”
What the fuck?
I pressed my palms against the wall to stop my hands from shaking. Addie hadn’t told Piper to go kick rocks. She didn’t say anything. Would she cheat on me? Could I trust Addie?
A wave of nausea rolled through my stomach, and my fingers curled, pressing hard into the drywall. I wanted to punch a hole in the fucking wall. Better yet, I wanted to take that damn computer, chuck it out the fucking window, and run it over with my truck. How the fuck could Piper fill Addie’s head with all that bullshit? No, this was Addie. My girl. She loved me. I know she did. I dropped my hands to my sides and took a deep breath. When I felt like I was okay enough to see her, I cleared my throat and walked into her room.
Addie sat at her desk with her foot propped up on the chair so she could paint her toenails. I pulled a bag of peanut M&M’s from my pocket and tossed it next to her computer. When I bent to give her a kiss on her cheek, my eyes shifted to her bed.
Her neatly folded clothes waiting to be stuffed into her suitcase had my hand balling into a fist again. I walked over to her bed, noting all her clothes and cute panties. Then, just to the left of the pile, was the little green compact with her birth control pills. It knocked me sideways. I glanced over my shoulder, and the look of guilt on her face didn’t disappear fast enough for me to miss. She smiled and looked back at Piper from her laptop screen.
“Hey, Piper, let me call you later, okay?”
“Sure thing, girly, and remember we need to start planning.” Piper blew Addie a kiss. “Hey, RJ.” She waved.
“Hey.” I wanted to give her the finger, but the nice guy in me waved instead.
“Okay, talk to you soon,” Addie rapped before closing her laptop.
“I didn’t expect you so soon.” She was already moving toward me for a hug.
“I told you I’d be here at five, it’s quarter past,” I answered and cleared my throat in hopes of riding out my obvious irritation.
“Thank you for the candy.” She pointed to the yellow bag on her desk, and when she looked at me, she took a step back. “Why are you upset?”
“I’m not upset.” I turned away from her and pinched the bridge of my nose, taking in a deep breath. I didn’t want to lie, but I also didn’t want her knowing I was eavesdropping and pissed about her taking her pills with her.
“RJ, will you talk to me please?” Addie grabbed me by the crook of my elbow.
“Why do you need to take those with you?” I pointed to the compact.
Her eyes darted to her bed and then back to me. “Why wouldn’t I take them? I’ve been taking them, no sense in stopping now.”
“Unless you’re planning on sleeping with somebody other than me, there really is no need.”
Her eyes darted to the bed again and back to me. She cocked her head to the side. “What are you trying to say?”
“Nothing. I’m not saying anything. You wanna go and grab something to eat?”
“Will you look at me please?”
I hesitated before turning back around to face her.
“RJ, I know you heard Piper and me talking.” She held a finger to my lips. “Piper is Piper. You know how she is.”
“I do.” I nodded.
“I want you, but seriously, RJ, is it fair to make you wait for me?”
“What!” I was two seconds from flipping my shit.
“It was just a thought. I hate to leave you behind. It seems so selfish.” She pressed her palms to my chest, and I reached up and encircled both her wrists. “I love you, and we made a promise—one I intend on keeping.” She stuck her pinky finger out. “But, I’ve been wondering lately if I’m holding you back.”
“You’re too good for me, Addie Mae. I have nothing to offer you. Hell, I can’t even get the military to take me. You’ll find someone, probably some doctor or lawyer who can take care of you.” I released her wrists and stepped away from her, letting out a deep sigh.
Her eyebrows rose, and her forehead wrinkled. “What are you talking about? What do you mean ‘You can’t get the military to take you’?”
“I don’t know, babe, if you’re breaking up with me, just tell me now.” I hung my head. I hadn’t even told her about my taking and failing the ASVAB. I couldn’t bring myself to admit just how much of a fuckup I really was. She would have looked at me differently if she had known; I just know she would have. It never would have just been RJ and Addie. It would have been RJ and the girl who felt sorry for him.
“What are you saying? RJ, will you look at me for crying out loud,” she snapped, and I brought my head up.
Her face was a mix of anger and fear, but I still couldn’t bring myself to come clean. “Nothing. I’m not saying a damn thing. I just don’t see a need for you to take those with you when you aren’t going to be around me for months at a time.”
She stared at me with a fire in her eyes, and I swore I saw horns pop out of her head.
“Are you seriously picking a fight with me right now?”
“Nope.” I pressed my lips together and shook my head.
“Really! Because it damn well feels like it.” She stood there like a beautiful defiant angel.
With a pained stare, I watched as she pressed the heels of her palms above her eyes. “Tell me what’s really going on with you, RJ. You know this isn’t easy for either of us! You don’t think this scares me, too? That I don’t worry that someone will come along and snag you away from me? What the fuck! You pull back, you keep shit from me—” She shook her head and took a few steps back. “You know what . . . just leave.”
I rocked in place as the panic set in. “You’re kidding, right?”
“Does it look like it?” she clipped, holding her arm out, pointing toward the door. Was she for fucking real right now?
First off, I would never speak to her like that. That was one rule I kept, no cussing directed at her, she deserved respect. And second, she was actually kicking me out . . . the day before she left for North Carolina.
“You’re serious?” I stared at her, dumbfounded.
“Dead.”
After our short staring contest, I clasped my hands together and stomped out, almost crashing into her mother.
“RJ, honey, you’re leaving?” I nodded and continued walking. “You’re not staying for dinner?”
“No, thank you, ma’am.” I let myself out.
After leaving Addie’s house angry and hurt, I loaded a cooler and sat by the dock for a few hours, contemplating where in the fuck our lives were headed. I needed some time alone to clear my mind; our back and forth shit was giving me a headache.
I realized my mind or my heart weren’t any less confused than they were five hours ago, so I gave up and got back into my truck. I pulled into my driveway and sat there. I didn’t want to go inside. I was still sitting there in the dark when Addie pulled up and parked across the street from my neighbor’s house. I could have gotten out and went to her, but I wasn’t ready for that either.
So, I slouched down in my truck and watched her toss pebbles at my window. A smile cracked at the corner of my mouth. She was so darn cute. I watched for another minute before kicking off my shoes, flipping the switch on the overhead light so it wouldn’t come on, and snuck out from the passenger side.
With careful steps, I stalked up behind her like a lion hunting his prey. She was so deep in her own world that she had no idea I had crept up behind her.
Closing in on her and only a foot between us, I reached around with one arm, covering her mouth while the other snaked around her waist and pulled her back to me. The vibrations of her screaming tickled against my palm, and I quickly leaned into her ear and whispered, “Shh, babe, it’s me.”
She physically relaxed under my touch. “What are you doing here?” I whispered in her ear again. She mumbled something, and then, right before I let go, she bit my hand—hard. “Ouch! Shit! What was that for?” I dropped my arms and took a step back.
“Are you seriously going to ask me that? You’re freaking crazy, you know that?” she whispered loudly. “What the hell are you doing? I was seconds away from having a heart attack.” She exaggerated, and I chuckled softly.
“I think you’re a little too young to be dying of a heart attack. What are you doing here?”
Her face visibly softened as she looked to the ground and scuffed her flip-flop against the damp grass. “I felt bad for being mean to you earlier.” With apologetic eyes, she slowly glanced back up at me. “I’m sorry for acting the way I did.”
This shit was driving us both to the brink of insanity. “Hey, forget it.” I wrapped her in my arms and kissed her head. We stood there silent in each other’s arms. The second I felt her tears soaking my T-shirt, I squeezed her tighter.
“You want to go lie down for a bit?”
She nodded against my chest before she let go of my hand and let me lead her through my bedroom window.
I couldn’t believe I had spoken to him with disrespect. From the minute he walked out of my room, the image of his shoulders slumped plagued me. My stomach twisted, and an unknown pain appeared in the back of my throat. I hated myself for speaking to him the way I did, and I hated myself for not chasing after him and begging for his forgiveness. By the time my voice cracked, calling out for him, he was gone.
These past few weeks had been nothing but a chaos of lust, fear, uncertainty, and laughter. RJ had been perfect. He was always there when I needed him, he was attentive and thoughtful. He didn’t think I noticed that he avoided talking about the future or the way he would sometimes get this far away look in his eyes, but I did. I didn’t want to pressure him. I wanted us to just be able to hold onto ourselves a bit longer. But the fight we had tonight never would have happened two months ago. The stress was getting to both of us.
“Scoot in,” RJ whispered while holding open the covers, and I did.
He pulled off his shirt and slid in behind me, and I all but drooled at the sight of his sexy chest. When he pulled me into his arms and couldn’t see my face anymore, I let a tear silently seep down my temple and onto the pillow. He pressed his nose into the side of my head. “You always smell so sweet.”
I couldn’t leave tomorrow on a bad note, so tonight I wanted nothing more than RJ to make love to me, claim me over and over again as he slid in and out of me, to make good on our promise permanently inked into our skin. “Addie, what are you doing?” he whispered in a strangled voice when I sat up and removed my bra.
“Go and lock it,” I whispered, ignoring his question and nodding to the door. RJ jumped out of bed at the speed of light. I shimmied out of my jeans and panties, and before he climbed back into bed next to me, he slid his jeans and boxers off. Then he was pressed against me, his hot skin warring with the goose bumps spreading over mine.
“Tonight I don’t want anything between us.” I defined.
“Addie.” He sighed.
“RJ, please?” I would beg if need be.
The clouds must have shifted then. A glow from the moon peeked through the room, and I watched the shadows dance over RJ’s throat as he swallowed. He closed his eyes, and I snuggled closer.
“I love you, Addie Mae. I love you so much.”
Tightness in my chest was followed by a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. This time his words sounded different. They were sad . . . almost resigned. They were laced with good‑bye. He was letting go—letting me go. Little did he know, I was trying to let go, too.