Silence filled my days, and the longer I remained here, the more I hated it. Eight weeks had passed and not a word from RJ. Tears came too easily and too frequently. Overanalyzing my decisions became the norm, and the inability to focus on anything other than RJ couldn’t have hit at the worse time in my life
The four walls of my dorm room were the only security I held onto. Eating seemed like a chore, and the lack of it made me ten pounds lighter. RJ’s silence wasn’t the only reason for my distress. Yes, I missed him so much my heart physically ached each time I thought of him, but had I known the outcome from the decisions I had made, I might have put more thought into the repercussions.
On top of the mountain of guilt and doubt, a week ago I found out I was pregnant.
If it weren’t for my newfound friendship with my dorm mate Evin and her ability to force reason into my chaos, I would have packed up my car and headed back home the day after I found out. She talked me into staying and not making rash choices. It also helped that I couldn’t seem to get ahold of him. Every call went to voice mail, and each text went unanswered. I refused to reach out to anyone else.
I needed him. It didn’t matter that his last text message left me empty inside, hating myself for leaving the way I did, but it had to happen.
At the time, there was no way I could let him live his life revolving around mine, it just wasn’t fair. So, I did what I had to do, and I prayed every day since that he didn’t hate me. In a strange way, those two indigo words inked on my pinky finger gave me the sliver of hope to hang onto.
But as each day that passed, less and less made sense.
The idea of marrying RJ and starting a family weighed heavy on my mind, pictures of a little boy that looked like him or a little girl that had my eyes played in my dreams, both waking and sleeping. My priorities quickly changed, school wasn’t as important as it was a month ago, and being a wife and mother became everything I wanted. I just didn’t know how to go back. I didn’t know how to ask for his forgiveness.
I knew what I had to do.
“Evin?” I whispered, peeking into her room.
She forced a half smile and patted the empty space on her bed. I slowly made my way, accepting her invitation.
“You’re going, aren’t you?” She squeezed the top of my hand. Nervously meeting her stare, I nodded my head. The tension rolled through me as tears cascaded down my cheeks.
“Did you want me to go with you?” she offered. I held my hand over my mouth as I shook my head, pushing back the tears.
“No. . . thank you, though, but I need to do this on my own.”
She nodded in understanding. “Are you coming back?”
That was a question I really didn’t have an answer to. “If I do, hopefully it’ll be just to grab my things.” I blinked back my tears, trying to hold myself together. “I don’t know, Evin, I’m scared. I never expected my life to turn out like this. I mean I had everything planned. Go to college, get a degree, go back home, and finally marry my high school sweetheart.” I shook my head, and my head fell back so I was staring at the ceiling.
I felt lost.
What the heck was I doing?
“Addie, I’m sure once he sees you standing there in front of him, he’ll melt and forgive you right there on the spot. Then when you tell him about the baby, he’ll take you in his arms and never let you go, no matter how hard you try to leave.”
I forced a weak smile, hoping and praying her words were true. I needed her words to be true. There was no way I could do this on my own, and I didn’t even want to try. I just wanted him back—I wanted us back.
“Thank you. I’m going to pack a bag, and I’ll call you.”
She nodded. “Make sure you call. I need to know you got there safely.”
“I will, I promise.” My own words hit straight to my heart.
The drive home would take me a little over four hours, and I cringed at the thought of being alone with my thoughts for that long. The one good thing I reminded myself was that I had my little baby nestled safe. My little RJ would keep me company.
Four hours and six minutes, a bag of M&M’s, and two bottles of water later, I passed the Welcome to Savannah sign, and my heart started hitting out beats like a kick drum. Dread weaved its way in, turning my stomach. I pulled my car over, opened my door, and threw up everything in my stomach.
Note to self: pregnancy and nerves do not mix.
Once my stomach settled, I stared at the chunks of chocolate and knew that I would never look at another bag of my favorite candy again.
Before I left North Carolina, I didn’t really think things through. Desperation got the better of me; I wanted to be in RJ’s arms in the worse way, and now. . . I had no idea what I was doing.
With frayed nerves and Carrie Underwood telling me in her sweet and deceiving voice “I Told You So”, I sat there parked on the side of the road a little longer. Closing my eyes, I let the tears fall. In that moment, all I wanted was to run into my mother’s arms and tell her everything that happened. She would tell me it would be okay. That thought spun into something darker, something that hurt my heart as much as missing RJ did. My parents, the two people I had always talked to and been honest with, had no idea. No idea of my situation, no idea I was back in Savannah, pregnant, and seriously contemplating altering the course of my future for a man.
They knew nothing.
I couldn’t focus on them right now. It was too much. So, I pushed the thoughts aside and focused on RJ. What would I do when I was standing face to face with the father of my little peanut? What would I say? Should I have called first? No, he wouldn’t have answered anyway. What if he had moved on and was with someone new? It was possible, but for some reason I didn’t really see RJ doing that.
I opened my eyes and looked at the clock on the dash, it was just after five. He may already be home from work, but some nights he would be there until after seven.
There was only one way to find out.
I shifted the car into drive, inhaled a very large breath, and then exhaled all my worries into the universe. Then, I drove to RJ’s house.
His mom’s car was in the driveway, but his truck wasn’t there. I considered driving right past and coming back later, but I dismissed the idea. He needed to know, he had a right to know, and I couldn’t keep this from him any longer. I would just sit at his house until he got home.
I parked just past his driveway, sent Evin a quick message to let her know I made it, and then I got out of my car. In the short distance from my car to his house, I talked myself out of leaving a hundred times. I forced myself to keep walking.
With my hands twisted together and my heart lodged in my throat, I stared at the lines in the sidewalk, making sure to avoid stepping in the cracks. I came to a stop on the sidewalk just in front of his house, and it was as if it was my first time seeing it. Everything was exactly as it was when I left, but it looked so different. The manicured landscape, pretty flowers lining the walkway, and oak tree RJ and I used to sit under, were exactly as they were two months ago.
I trudged my shaky legs to the front of the house.
Here goes nothing.
I didn’t have to wait long after ringing the bell for Mrs. Watson to open the door.
“Addilyn, sweetheart, what a pleasant surprise.” She smiled, but it was a strange mix of worry and hope. Then she did the oddest thing. She stepped toward me and out onto the porch, looking around as if she expected someone else to be with me. “Are you here alone?” The confused tone of her voice was a perfect match for the look on her face.
I nodded and twisted my clammy hands together. “I am.” I inhaled a deep breath and avoided her stare. “I was hoping to talk to RJ.”
When she didn’t respond, I met her gaze and saw something that had me more confused than her actions. Why did she look like she was about to cry? She pressed her lips together, clearly trying to keep herself together, and then held her hand out to me. “Why don’t you come inside?”
Nerves hit again, and I mumbled, “If he’s not home yet, I can come back later.” I turned around, ready to leave. “Maybe if you could tell him that I stopped by—”
“Sweetheart, he’s not here.”
“I can see that, but if you could please tell him that it’s really important I talk to him.”
At that point, it was most likely safe to assume she didn’t want me anywhere near her son. Not for the hell I put on his heart, because she of all people should understand why I did what I did. Wouldn’t any mother feel that way?
“Mrs. Watson, I understand if you don’t want me seeing RJ—”
She sniffled, and a tear slid down the side of her face. I stared at the beautiful woman standing in front of me. I had never seen her this upset about anything.
“Sweetheart, he’s not here because . . . well, we have no idea where RJ is.”
“What?” I whispered, confused.
“Come inside.” She took me by the hand, and this time I let her.
Vicki Watson led me to the living room, and we sat on opposite ends of the sofa. She offered me something to drink, which I politely declined. All I wanted was for her to explain to me what was going on. Why she had no idea where her son was. I sat there, waiting patiently and staring at the cream-colored carpet. I didn’t dare look at the walls or the mantel where I knew pictures of RJ and his family were proudly displayed.
“Sweetheart,” Well at least she didn’t hate me, “the day you left . . .” Silence filled the room, and I wondered if she was still sitting next to me. I glanced over to her and understood her silence. She was dabbing away tears with shaking hands. It was then that I really looked at her. Her hair wasn’t quite as perfect as it usually was. Her clothes not quite as pristine. Anxiety twisted inside me, and I glanced at the door, wanting nothing more than to run from this house and whatever she was going to tell me. “He took off that day as well. Left us a note saying he needed a couple of weeks off and he’d call to explain.”
“Did he call?” I asked in a rush.
She shook her head. “No, not me or his father anyway. He did call AJ to let him know he was okay and to tell us not to worry, but he never said where he was, and he won’t pick up or return any of our calls.”
If they didn’t know where he was, then how would I find him to tell him about the baby?
“Mrs. Watson, may I use your restroom please?”
“Of course, sweetheart.” She pointed down the hall.
I was so calm as I got up and walked away from her. I was calm as I opened and closed the door. I was even calm as I flipped the lock. Then . . . I lost it. A silent sob tore from my body, and I braced myself against the sink so I wouldn’t fall. RJ was gone? No. Nonononono. He couldn’t be. I gasped for air and then slammed a hand over my mouth. Mrs. Watson didn’t need to hear me breaking down. I didn’t want her asking questions. I took a deep breath and forced down the hurricane of emotions inside me. Then, when I could stand without the threat of my knees giving out, I splashed cold water on my face.
I needed to get out of here. By the time I made it back to the living room, I was ready to leave. I had to figure out how I was going to make the four hour drive back to the one place I no longer wanted to be, more so with no outcome in sight. There was no way I would stay in this town a second longer.
Thoughts shot out like rapid fire through my mind. How would I raise a child on my own? And what if RJ found out later from someone else, how would he take it? What if he found out and never wanted anything to do with me? He did say in his last text message that I was “off the hook”. How could he have given up so soon?
I rushed past the living room to the foyer, and Mrs. Watson caught up with me just in time to give me a hug.
“He’ll be back, sweetheart, please just give him time. He loves you so much. You’re both so young and need to find what it is you want out of life.”
I nodded against her shoulder. “Could you please keep this visit to yourself?” I took a step back and held a steady gaze. “My parents weren’t aware of this spur‑of‑the-moment trip. I really needed to speak to RJ, but since that’s not happening, I think it’s best if I just head back to school.”
“Of course. Please drive safe, though.”
The drive back to North Carolina was filled with tears and quite a bit of soul‑searching. After the first thirty minutes of heartbreaking country songs that made it hard to breathe at times, I flipped the radio off. The white noise of the road under my tires was better and so much worse at the same time. He made me so angry. Why did he have to be so selfish and not let anyone (not even his brother) know his whereabouts?
I made it back to my dorm with no fight left in me, but as I pulled into my parking spot, I grabbed my phone and dialed RJ.
“I hate it here.” I paused, trying to calm the shakiness in my voice as his voice mail recorded. “I love you and miss you so much. I really need to talk to you.” I hesitated; letting the silence say all the words I was incapable of forming. In the end, I whispered, “I promise,” and hung up.
Unlocking the door to my dorm room seemed like it depleted the very last molecule of strength I had left, and I collapsed onto my bed. Three seconds later, Evin barreled into my room and wrapped her arms around me.
I cried.
I sobbed.
I balled my eyes out until there truly was nothing left in me.
“Shh, it’ll be okay.” Her gentle coaxing helped a tiny bit. “You want to tell me what happened?” Evin whispered, and I shook my head against her shoulder.
We sat there in the minimal light and dead silence. The whole time, Evin offered me comfort. I almost fell asleep on her shoulder, but then my phone rang, sending a jolt of energy through me. I rushed over to my purse like a crazy woman, hoping that it was RJ calling me back. That he was waiting for me and wanted to talk, to reconcile, but when I saw it was my mother checking in, I gave up all hope. My heart seized in my chest, and a hollow feeling took root in its place.
In the two weeks that followed, my life evolved into sleeping in and missing more classes than I cared to admit. Food became my worst enemy, and the nausea decided it would take up permanent residence inside me. I still hadn’t been to a doctor yet.
Each morning when I woke, the first thing I would do was send RJ a text message, asking him to please forgive me and telling him that it was of dire consequence that he called me. He never did.
It was just three weeks after my trip to try to talk to RJ when I woke up to a pain so fierce that it made me roll out of bed. I landed hard on the floor, but the small pain in my shoulder and arm was nothing compared to what was twisting in my lower belly. I curled into the fetal position and tried to catch my breath. A high‑pitch scream ripped past my lips as another twisting pain ripped into me.
My door slammed open, and then Evin was on her knees in front of me.
“Addie! Addie, what’s wrong?”
“EVIN!” I whisper-yelled as another jolt of pain sliced through me. “EVIN, please . . . help me please.” I choked on my words and reached for her.
What in the world is happening?
“Addie.” She spoke softly with caution, scooping up my hand into one of hers. “Listen to me.” She felt my forehead with her free hand, and her eyebrows pinched together. Then, she looked over the rest of me, and her eyes widened in shock. “You’re bleeding; I’m going to call an ambulance, okay?”
I shook my head while fear suffocated me. I couldn’t go in an ambulance. I had no idea if they would call my parents. I couldn’t take the chance that they would find out like this. That was when it dawned on me.
“Evin, my baby, what’s happening to me?”
She shook her head in jerky motions as she tried to stammer out words, but they just wouldn’t come. I grabbed onto her forearm and bit back a scream as a stronger jolt of pain ripped through my stomach.
“Evin, call the ambulance. Please . . . just call them for God’s sake.”
I dropped my hand from her arm and wrapped it back around my legs, slowly rocking myself and repeatedly mumbling, “Please let my baby be okay. Please. This is all I have left of him. Please let my baby be okay.”
The EMTs showed up in no time and transported me to the hospital.
Strapped to a gurney, my heart raced, and I started to shake. Chills ran through my entire body, and I felt the strength of it as I shivered. Without even having to ask, the EMT to my right covered me with another blanket.
I closed my eyes and tried to will away the nightmare happening around me and inside me, but the life inside me slipped further away with each second that ticked by.
Just as I died inside, so did our promise.